Schlocktoberfest IX: Recap from Outer Space!

Let’s review!

In order from best to worst score:

Bear in mind, Brian used the standard 0–10 scale while Brad & Jim used a 0–5 scale. If you even care. All of these movies suck sideways.

Species (5.75)
TerrorVision (4.5)
Contamination (4.5)
Without Warning (4)
The Galaxy Invader (4)
Nightbeast (4)
Critters 2 (2)
The Deadly Spawn (3.5)
The Puppet Masters (3)
The Alien Factor (3)
Breeders (2.5)
Galaxina (2)
Communion (2)
Moontrap (2)
Alien Predators (2)
Critters 4 (2)
Inseminoid (2)
Jason X (2)
Invaders From Mars (2)
Lifeforce (Average: 2)
Dead Space (1.5)
Creature (1)
Critters 3 (1)
Extraterrestrial Visitors (1)
The Incredible Melting Man (1)
Leprechaun 4: In Space (1)
Alien Terminator (1)
Apollo 18 (0.5)
Parasite (0)
Star Crystal (0)
Xtro (0)

Brad’s Thoughts

This clip perfectly sums up my experience this month:

Well it seemed like a good idea at the time. We haven’t had a good themed year since the first Rock Out with Your Schlock Out, which if I recall we hated at the time but now can’t help but look fondly at those crop of shitty flicks. Jim had suggested something like all 80s or 90s theme but he’s the new guy and it just wasn’t specific or masochistic enough. I don’t know what next year holds. It’ll be a decade of schlock horror watching and we should make it a good one but so far no good ideas are coming, to me anyway.

But yeah, what a excruciating agonizing month. I was looking back for this post and it feels like years ago that I did the ones earlier in the month! I can barely remember some of these entries for this recap. I knew we’d get a lot of Alien and Star Wars rip-offs that’s a given, but man, did those people watch Alien or Star Wars enough to know how to make an effective sci-fi or horror or even an entertaining movie? I can understand low-budget having its limitations but christ, just don’t make it fucking boring and 99% of the films I/we watched were mind-numbing slow, tedious and dull.

Most Pleasant Discovery: This is not an easy decision actually. But it’s a toss-up between Don Dohler’s The Alien Factor and Without Warning. I’ve tried Dohler’s Galaxy Invader before and couldn’t get into it and ended up bailing on it. The Alien Factor was actually dumb enough to enjoy. Without Warning was fun as well despite or because of its ineptness.

Least Pleasant Discovery: A tie between Critters 3 and Alien Terminator. Both were devoid of anything even remotely good or creative. I want those 166 minutes those two films wasted from me. Avoid those two at all costs.

Most Disappointing Mission: I really had no high hopes for any of these flicks but probably Moontrap. With that cast and premise it should’ve been way more campy and fun than it turned out to be. Moontrap indeed.

Favorite Villain: I didn’t even have any interesting aliens or monsters this year either the more I’m looking back. We joke about Mathilda May, who was in fact the villain, but she was not really a decent villain. I loved the look of the alien hunter in Without Warning but he too was so lame with his pubic hair frisbees.

Best Kill: Hands-down, the sheriff getting incinerated by the high electric wires in The Incredible Melting Man.

Runner-up: The guy getting cartoonishly devoured to his bones in Critters 2.

Worst Kill: I can’t even recall any other kills in the other movies. (Damn, I think Lifeforce really did drain me) I’m assuming the worst kill was in Alien Terminator since I can’t even remember how any of those douches died in that. And Communion didn’t even have a death in it (which may be a first in Schlocktoberfest history)! Not a good month for kills really.

Character I’d Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before With: Man, I just remembered that I watched a flick that I deemed not horror enough this past month called Galaxy Destroyer that was so hilariously bad. It was more sci-fi/action so you’ll have to wait for my Schlock Watch review in the near future. But anyway, it had one of the best Schlock characters I’ve ever seen called Mad Dog. I would follow Mad Dog through hell he was so awesome.

But I suppose I need a real answer and I guess I’d pick Bruce Campbell’s character from Moontrap since it’s Bruce Campbell after all.

But seriously, Mad Dog is my number one.

Character I’d Like to See Slowly Die in a Sarlaac Pit: All of them. Fine. Dr. Ted Nelson is up there. As is Steve Railsback of course. I can also add the whole cast of Alien Terminator. Minus Lisa Boyle.

Rick Baker Award: Goes to Rick Baker for the alien design for Without Warning and The Incredible Melting Man from The Incredible Melting Man.

Industrial Plight & Tragic Award: I could give it to whoever made the monster in Alien Terminator but we never saw the damned thing. But the stop-motion Lunar Rover shots in Moontrap take the cake. Plus that Walter Koening character was the worst example of a CGI human ever.

Best Heavenly Body: Hard to bear Mathilda May even with clothes on! But I also have a thing for Lisa Boyle from Alien Terminator. And Lynn-Holly Johnson from Alien Predator(s) was easy on the eyes as well.

Best Logs of my Co-Pilots: Brian’s Extraterrestrial Vistors review. I watched this travesty to filmmaking with him one sad evening and it’s always good to see our collective pain & suffering put to proper comedy.

Jim’s XTRO. It’s always treat (and doesn’t happen often during Schlocktoberfest) that I see something before the other chaps and know the kind of lunacy and ridiculousness they are in for. I saw XTRO a few years back and yeah, it’s loony alright.

Brian’s Thoughts

Who thought of this stupid theme? ~~This may have been the worst year yet, possibly second only to the~~ ~~666 year~~. This was, without a doubt, the very worst year of Schlocktoberfest, which is not something I say lightly. I kind of like maybe one movie this year, and that’s combing two halves of two different movies. I just don’t think I can continue. … What, it’s over? It’s never truly over…

Most Pleasant Discovery: It says a lot about this year that I’m going to give this to TerrorVision, a movie I watched years ago and didn’t even like.

Runner-up: Contamination, very cheesy and bad but with loads of charm and guts.

Least Pleasant Discovery: I was more upset with the outcome of Apollo 18 than NASA was with Apollo 1.

Most Disappointing Mission: I had higher hopes for Dead Space because of Bryan Cranston and Beastmaster vs. Alien but it was more like assmaster vs. Asslien.

Runner-up: Leprechaun 4: IN SPACE. I thought these movies could at least be kind of fun, but they were kind of like finding a leprechaun in your refrigerator but it’s actually a rotten avocado.

Favorite Villain: Too close to call between the alien monster from The Deadly Spawn and the nearly identical alien monster from TerrorVision!

Runners-up: Mathilda May from Lifeforce and Sil from Species. No reason, really. I mean, I don’t find them any more attractive than those alien monsters. What? Oh, and the cyclops from Contamination. There, didn’t see that one coming, did ya??

Mathilda May today.

Best Kill: I mean, man, there wasn’t a whole hell of a lot of kill creativity this year. I think I’d have to go with the girl getting her head bitten off then going out the window in The Deadly Spawn.

Worst Kill: It can’t get much more lame than the seemingly omnipotent Leprechaun just dropping a heavy box on a guy in a scene filmed on two different days. Did Warwick Davis have no creative control clause whatsoever?

Character I’d Want to Go on a 5-year Mission With: Well I can’t say Mathilda May or Sil because they would kill me so it would have to be Julie Warner from The Puppet Masters because she’s a scientist so she’d be pretty smart and good to have around and that’s all the reason.

Runner-up: Trumpy from Extraterrestrial Visitors, for the same reasons as Julie Warner above, but his fur probably smells like piss.

Character I’d Like to See Get Slowly Sucked Into a Black Hole: Hands down Jeff from The Video Dead. Yeah that was eight years ago but I still hate him.You know, I didn’t really outright hate anyone this year, which is very rare indeed, but if I had to pick I’d probably go with Dr. Mittenhand (I think that was his name, and I refuse to look it up to check) from Leprechaun 4, chiefly do to his really annoying over-the-top fake German accent performance that was more irritating than wiping with a pinecone from the Black Forest.

Most Star-tling Special Effects: I was pleasantly surprised by a few of the creatures this year, in order I would rank them: 1) TerrorVision monster; 2) Deadly Spawn monster; 3) Dr. Mittenhand Spider from Leprechaun 4; 4) the space stingrays from The Puppet Masters; 5) YOU.

Special Effects That Failed to Launch: It’s a toss-up between CGI Sil at the end of Species and when the Leprechaun grows to giant size in Leprechaun 4, which really just turned him into a bunch of closer pixels.

Most-Garbled Sound Design: 94% of the dialogue from The Puppet Masters, which was barely audible and sounded like it was recorded on another planet with two cans and some string that had been pissed on by the giant Leprechaun.

Spaciest Space Vaccum: The majority of the pictures I watched this year turned out to be evil aliens who visit Earth to mess shit up. The only movies that really spent the majority of time in space were Leprechaun 4, which was “in space” but confined within sets that look like they couldn’t afford cardboard. So, as much as it pains me to even acknowledge that this movie exists, at least Apollo 18 seemed like it was on the moon, for the most part.

Best Transmission: “OD, my new boyfriend!” “Irish boy?” – TerrorVision

Biggest Space Laser Bullet Dodged: I initially had Forbidden World on my list, but Brad and I started watching it and quickly realized it was the original version of Dead Space, and I wasn’t about to go through that hell again. Although from the few minutes we saw it looked a lot more entertaining. But then again, so do most things.

Most Heavenly Body: In any other year, the alien concubines of Breeders would have taken it if not for Julie Warner, and in any other year Julie Warner would have taken it if not for Dianne Franklin, and in any other year Dianne Franklin would have taken it if not for Natasha Henstridge, and in any other year Natasha Henstridge would have taken it if not for Mathilda May. And that’s it. I’m sorry, with the exception of my wife in case she’s reading this, Mathilda May is as close to perfect-looking in Lifeforce as nature dares possible.

“Is this heaven?” “No, the opposite, this is Lifeforce.”

Schlockscars:
Best Actor: Bryan Cranston – Dead Space
Worst Actor: Dr. Mittenhand – Leprechaun 4
Best Actress: Dianne Franklin – TerrorVision
Worst Actress (possibly ever): The doctor lady – Breeders
Best Director: Luigi Cozzi – Contamination
Worst Director: Brian Trenchard-Smith – Leprechaun 4: In Space

Favorite Dockings: Brad’s Moontrap review because we watched it together while our bodies made of clay rode in a stop-motion rover.

Jim’s Star Crystal review because it was initially on my list but he had already called fives and I’m grateful because it apparently turned out to be a crystallized space turd.

See you next year for Schlocktoberfest X: Please God, Let This End.

Jim’s Thoughts

New guy?

I’ve been with Schlocktoberfest since the beginning: first I was Michael Myers (appearing only on Halloween), then I was on the weekends, then I got admin access; and here we are.

Brad is right though, at the end of Schlocktoberfest 8te I pitched a pilot for an all 80’s theme for the next year’s Schlocktoberfest. It didn’t get picked up for series, but that’s Hollywood for you. Some time later it was decided that Schlock 9 would have a sci-fi theme, so I set a course for adventure and my mind on a new romance. Looking back on this past month, I have no idea why I made a 5 out of 5 graphic for my scoring – because these movies sucked like a black fucking hole. I don’t know what it is, or how to really explain it – but I can always find something to like in bad horror movies; but I find bad sci-fi just intensely painful to get through. Well I don’t want my intro to ramble, so here’s a quick intro video I whipped up parodying the opening credits to a favorite movie of mine. Enjoy.

A Scene I Really Wish I Could Mind-Wipe: That goddamn alien on the side of the road in Xtro. I don’t really get scared anymore at my age, and I’ve seen so many horror movies they’re basically like getting stabbed with cotton candy at this point; but that alien scurrying off the side of the road made me yell “Fuck you!” to the screen.

I hope the contortionist who played this alien did get run over eventually.

Most Pleasant Contact: The highest scores from me this year went to both of the Dohler movies, Nightbeast and The Galaxy Invader. I’ll take a 24 hour marathon of Dohler’s oeuvre over the rest of the shit this month any day.

Best Soundtrack That Wasn’t From Star Wars: Anyone else going insane waking up in the morning with fucking “Baby Shark” in your head? It was catchy once, like “Chocolate Rain” and “Peanut Butter Jelly Time” before it, now it’s an earwig that needs an ice pick extraction. Where was I? Oh, Christopher Young’s music to Invaders From Mars was a standout this year – easily the best thing about that movie.

Worst Alien Life Form: Stupid-ass GAR from The Star Crystal. He takes the whole goddamn movie to say something tangible, and it winds up being cliche and boring. Stupid, slimy, bug-eyed, orange motherfucker.

Ms. Schlock Universe 2019: This year gave us the best and most contestants so far. First place goes to Dorothy Stratten (Galaxina), second to Mathilda May (Lifeforce), and third to Melyssa Ade (Jason X).

Runners Up: Julie Warner from The Puppet Masters and Rainbeaux Smith from Parasite and The Incredible Melting Man.

Which Finalist I’d Want to Go On A 5-Year Mission With: Let’s see, with Stratten I’d always think that fucking ghoul Bogdanovich would be watching us through windows. With Mathilda I’d constantly worry that she would suck me into an actual mummy. So I think I’d choose the wise-cracking, little hottie Janessa.

Most Disappointing Alien Abduction: Christ there were so many this time out, but I think the worst was Parasite. Aside from it giving me my daily dose of Rainbeaux Smith, like I said, NOTHING happens until the end of the movie. I had watched El Camino the same day (as you could tell) and Parasite was the dogshit-flavored sorbet after a delicious steak au poivre.

Sleeping with an angel, woke up with a monster.

Most Interesting String Theory: I noticed it in Nightbeast and Creature, and Brad mentioned it in Without Warning, but there seems to be some sort of cosmic relation to Jaws this year. Most of the shit this month were Alien rip-offs, but it really looks like that the center of the universe is a mechanical shark named Bruce that never worked properly. Another theory can be derived from the anomaly that is Rainbeaux Smith as well.

Favorite Space Antagonist: Don Leifert from Nightbeast and The Galaxy Invader. I don’t think he was the hero in either of these movies, but fuck it – he’s a hero to me and at the end of the day that’s all that matters.

Favorite Space Protagonist: Odric from Modric from Galaxina. Not only does he get this accolade because of his tenacity, but also because he was voiced by movie trailer narration legend Percy Rodriguez. He did the trailer for Jaws ya know. See? There it is again.

Best Termination Of A Life Form: Gail from Inseminoid. What an absolute idiot she was. She was in a situation that could have been easily remedied plot-wise, yet she cuts off her own foot only to freeze to death in alien atmosphere.

Most Deserving Termination: Joe Montague from The Galaxy Invader. Finally watching that degenerate redneck take a header off of that cliff was a highlight for me this year. Remember, this was a rough month of reviews so you look for the sunshine wherever you can.

Best Song That Sums Up Schlocktoberfest 9 From Outer Space:

Favorite Joke I Wrote This Year (An Exercise In Self-Indulgence Part 3: In 3-D): “This mining cart chase scene is reminiscent of the one in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, except for the fact that it’s boring and only going two MPH.” from Inseminoid.

The Best Shots From My Wingmen Biggs and Wedge: Brad’s review of The Incredible Melting Man because it’s actually a favorite movie of mine, and we both seem to be drawn to Rainbeaux Smith like a couple of creeps. And Brian’s review of Extraterrestrial Visitors because “Hear The Engines Roar Now” has been on my iPod for 5 years. You guys are the best goddamned co-writers from Timbuktu to Portland, Maine. Or Portland, Oregon, for that matter.

Fade To Black: Well, that was awful. I have finally realized that with the exception of the Star Wars saga, I am not that big a fan of science fiction. There’s a handful of classics that I love but the genre on the whole has a small presence in my movie collection. I can only hope that we go back to horror for our anniversary year. Speaking of which – none of us know what we’re gonna do yet as a theme, (we tend to start planning every August) although I have some stuff planned that are companion pieces to whatever will be done. All three of you readers will like it I think. Brian’s title for next year is looking pretty accurate. Anyhoo, that’s about it from me and here is my obligatory, yet-pretty-vague-this-time trailer for next year. LLAP, MTFBWY and all that jazz.