Jim: A naked space vampire girl really fucks up England.
Here are some of our observations as we watched the film:
- Brad: Cannon. Always a sign of quality.
- Brian: John Larroquette voiceover? Where have I seen that in a Tobe Hooper movie before?
- Jim: V/O intro narration by John Larroquette is a very nice touch for us Texas Chainsaw Massacre fans.
- Jim: Looks like I’m gonna have to shit on another Tobe Hooper movie.
- Brad: Steve Railsback. Always a sign of quality.
- Brian: Written by Dan O’Bannon, directed by Tobe Hooper, and produced by Cannon, how can it be bad? But it will be, won’t it?
- Brad: In any other dimension this movie should be a major success and be awesome.
- Jim: Introducing Mathilda May – think we’ll get to see her naked in this?
- Jim: The Cannon Group = always a treat.
- Brian: What’s 150 miles long? Let me show you…
- Jim: How exactly can a spaceship 150 miles long hide in the head of Hailey’s Comet?
- Jim: Hey it’s Steve Railsback!
- Brad: I fucking hate Steve Railsback. He’s so bad he’s the only actor I know that can actually ruin a Peter O’Toole movie for me!
- Brian: It seems futuristic at first but they’re just on a regular ass space shuttle. We should’ve watched Space Camp instead. That movie is frightening.
- Jim: Those are some big-ass wings for a space shuttle.
- Brad: Is this NASA or British? I wasn’t aware the limeys had a space program.
- Brian: Another space tunnel scene that looks like a colonoscopy. Wait, I think I see a polyp. Nope, space bats.
- Jim: Those aren’t aliens doll, they’re giant space vampire bats!
- Brad: Haven’t these astronauts seen Alien? You never go investigate strange life forms. You have to send in the Space FORCE!
- Brian: Astro-net!
- Jim: All of this high-tech and regular old rope nets are used to collect samples.
- Brad: Is it common astronaut protocol to carry nets to take things with?
- Brian: We’ve found the asshole of the ship.
- Jim: Is that door on the spaceship supposed to look like a coffin since this is essentially a vampire movie?
- Brian: This is just like Star Trek: The Motion Picture without the motion or the picture.
- Brad: Henry Mancini’s score is not one of his best. Sorry. They should’ve played Baby Elephant Walk during this. I mean, when you think Sci-Fi horror movie you automatically phone up Henry Mancini right?
- Jim: It looks like the crew are spacewalking into the space slug from The Empire Strikes Back.
- Brian: They find a three people who look like fully nude action figures, which was the most short-lived line of G.I. Joes.
- Brad: These naked people are in mint condition in their original packaging! They’d be fools to open them up now!
- Jim: This is no cave!
- Brian: “We found a young girl.” You could just say “woman.” It’s pretty creepy that you called a totally nude chick a “young girl.”
- Jim: All of that work for three space nudists?
- Brian: They don’t show how the astronauts decided who gets to bang her first. Or maybe it’s all of them at the same time. Or maybe the other two naked dudes are more their speed.
- Jim: Thirty Days Later – that’s how long it takes to rescue three naked people in a floating artichoke.
- Brian: “Soft dock” that sounds like a problem.
- Brad: Just open the damn door already. How long do we have to watch these astronauts turn a knob?
- Jim: Well, I’m bored – how about you guys?
- Brad: I understand that we’re in space here but does that one shuttle have to be upside down this whole time?
- Jim: Houston, we have a problem – yeah, of course you do.
- Brad: Is that a space 8-track cassette?
- Jim: Uh oh, the inside of the ship looks like the atmosphere to the Upside Down.
- Brian: We should’ve just watched the tape of the Challenger disaster.
- Jim: Fuck, I was gonna make a Challenger joke too.
- Jim: Data is tired of skeletons!
- Jim: Did this guy call where they’re storing the naked Mathilda the Tug Bay? If so, well done – an apt name if there ever was one.
- Brad: Wait a minute. The news just said that they are waiting to see the outcome and return of the shuttle but the female in the case that they rescued is already on earth? I’m confused.
- Jim: It’s good to see Dr. Edmund Halley getting the props he deserves.
- Brad: But my confusion takes a backseat as Mathilda May is walking around fully naked.
- Jim: Wake up Mathilda, I think I’ve got something to say to you.
- Brian: “Hey mom and dad, I landed a big movie role!” “That’s great honey, but you don’t have to be nude, do you?” “Well, just 97% of the time.”
- Jim: She certainly has magnificent mammalian protuberances.
- Brad: I’m assuming she killed that one guard. I was too distracted to notice anything.
- Brian: I mean, I would probably let her suck the life out of me too.
- Jim: Church.
- Brian: “Use my body.” Well, if you insist…
- Jim: I like how they are filming mostly in shadows and using the Austin Powers gag to cover up her how-do-you-do.
- Jim: Oh wait, I stand corrected:
- Jim: Great Gods of the Caboose! Should we also post a link to “Baby Got Back?”
- Brad: “Don’t worry a naked girl is not going to get out of this complex.” That sounds like a challenge.
- Jim: A naked woman can easily escape a base filled with English men.
- Brad: This one guy watching this other guy kissing Mathilda May totally wants in on that.
- Brian: I imagine Menahem Golan and the couch in his office supervised the casting of this naked girl role personally.
- Brad: May has the worst static shock affect on people.
- Brian: Aside from the bush and the sucked bodies this movie is as boring as a non-naked woman.
- Brad: How extraordinary fortunate that the naked space chick is a complete 10. I mean, would she be able to fulfill her mission (whatever it may be) if she looked like Kathy Bates?
- Brian: If only Moms Mabley was still alive at this point to play the space vampire chick.
- Brad: Mere glass is no match for her!
- Brian: Glass, grass, or ass, no one gets out of this facility for free.
- Jim: Only British dudes could pull off the white turtleneck with a leather jacket look.
- Brad: “And it was murder?” No, it was suicide. He sucked his own life-force using a Mr. Thirsty.
- Brad: “She was the most overwhelmingly feminine presence I have ever encountered. I was drawn to her on a level…” “Was it sexual?” “Yes. Overwhelmingly so, and horrible. Loss of control.” I can only imagine this is a typical British guy chat after any first date.
- Brian: Am I wrong or is Mathilda May the only woman in this whole picture? If they had a lady doing Railsback’s job she would have shut this naked space bitch down quick.
- Jim: Isn’t that Locque from For Your Eyes Only?
- Brad: “It was a terribly hot fire.” As opposed to those lukewarm fires?
- Jim: She is beyond the grace of God, she is vampyr – nosferatu.
- Brad: “I’m not paid to believe nothing, am I?” This guy has the best attitude for Schlocktoberfest.
- Jim: The two naked space vampire dudes are now up and around – a little sumthin’ for the ladies.
- Brian: The two space vampire dudes wake up but you don’t see their fandanglers. Sorry, fellas.
- Brad: Those two male space vampires didn’t have a chance to survive since the guards weren’t gay I suppose.
- Brian: Did they blow them up? Hard to tell.
- Jim: Did that security guard drink from the wrong Holy Grail?
- Brian: The sucked dry security guard wakes up and then sucks dry a doctor. At least someone’s getting sucked dry around here.
- Brad: Everyone just stands there doing jack shit as the corpse sucks the Lifeforce out of the one doctor stupid enough to get close to the reanimated corpse puppet from Spirit Halloween.
- Brian: Honestly if that happened in my office, I’d probably just watch too.
- Jim: Now this guy Fallada mentioned vampires before, yet he seems completely ignorant of vampire protocol when he says, “I had no idea it could be passed on.” That’s the fundamental thing about vampires! Van Helsing he is not.
- Brad: Well they are on a learning curve after all. They are, like the scriptwriters, making this up as they go along.
- Jim: That lifeforce drained woman in the park looks like that half-corpse woman from Return Of The Living Dead.
- Brian: I can feel myself rot… watching this movie.
- Brad: It’s been too long since we last saw nudity. Hello?
- Brad: We don’t care how these kids found the corpse in the park. We really don’t.
- Brian: “Now she has clothes.” GOD DAMN IT.
- Brad: I guess they were banking on finding her easily because she’d be the only one naked chick walking around London. Besides Samantha Fox that is.
- Brian: There’s very little here to write about or make fun of. It’s sucked the Lifeforce from me.
- Brad: Quickest hunger strike ever.
- Jim: So if you get your lifeforce drained from you, and you don’t suck out someone else’s lifeforce within a certain amount of time; you turn to dust. OK, I got it.
- Brad: Otherwise what?! You just saw what happens when the vampires don’t eat after 2 hours you moron.
- Jim: The guy playing the Home Secretary was the creepy mortician from Bordello Of Blood I think.
- Brian: As bad as this movie is, at least it doesn’t star Dennis Miller.
- Brad: Hi Hi Hi Mr. Deltoid!
- Brad: I know what the problem was with the vampire. He ate too much sand.
- Brad: Fallada told Caine and the Home Secretary that the same thing [turning into sand] will happen to the drained lady they found in the park and instead of the movie moving on to something else, we have to actually watch it happen. In this case, telling us and not showing us would be fine.
- Jim: Railsback’s escape pod lands in Texas and not Tatooine. Odd.
- Brian: Less chance of getting shot on Tatooine. Unless you’re Greedo. Who I do find slightly more attractive than Mathilda May.
- Brad: Wait, so Railsback’s pod was drifting in space around Earth’s orbit for over 30 days? How did he survive?
- Brian: Drank his own semen.
- Jim: I’m guessing having all of this exposition done in flashback helped the pacing of the film.
- Brad: Is that one astronaut destroying the navigational panels with a toilet brush?
- Jim: Why are all of the empty space suits stored holding hands?
- Brian: Because it’s fucking adorable. Not everything has to be horror, Jim.
- Jim: So Railsback commits patriotic sabotage – kinda like what we got going on now.
- Brad: This flashback sequence of the first 10 minutes is a quarter of the movie! Again, telling and not showing would’ve been preferred.
- Brad: I literally dozed off and I don’t know how May and Railsback ended up together.
- Jim: This dream sequence with Railsback and Mathilda looks like it could have been in Hellraiser.
- Brian: Mathilda has such sights to show us…
- Brad: Oh it was just a dream. Well there ya go.
- Brad: Railsback has the first ever on-screen Wet Nightmare. I wish I had bad dreams like he just had.
- Brad: Wasn’t Fallada an expert in Bio-Chemistry? Is hypnotizing people just a hobby?
- Brian: I guess the head space vampire chick can move from body to body, but I vastly preferred the first body.
- Jim: One way of keeping a low profile is to walk around the English countryside wearing a garbage bag.
- Brad: This new Mathilda May looks like she’s going to walk into the video for Slade’s Run Runaway.
- Brad: Now she’s showing this hapless victim her white
- Brian: OK, I think we can confirm beyond a shadow of a doubt that Tobe Hooper absolutely 100% did not direct Poltergeist.
- Brad: Railsback just described every Skin-E-Max plot I’ve ever seen.
- Brad: Out of nowhere, Brian’s XboX, that we were watching the DVD on, just turned itself off. Even the XboX doesn’t want to watch this.
- Brian: It hasn’t worked the same since and occasionaly tries to suck my… lifeforce.
- Jim: I think Tim Burton designed the look of the alien ship.
- Brad: Now we know where Lydia Deetz’ got her sculpture ideas from.
- Brad: Jesus Jumpin’ Christ on a pogo stick! This movie is more than half-way through and it’s been nothing but talk and observations from the main cast. It’s so dull and dry even for me and I consider myself an Anglophile.
- Brian: I consider you a -phile of many kinds.
- Jim: Now we’re off to England’s version of Arkham Asylum and who is in charge? None other than Jean Luc fucking Picard that’s who.
- Brian: It’s Captain Jean-Luc Xavier!
- Brad: Hey, Patrick Stewart…how hot is Mathilda May?
- Brian: Bowie poster! I guess there’s life on Mars after all.
- Jim: This is a God-awful small affair, regardless of the pubic hair. You’re a mummy if she gives a blow, and this flick has left us nowhere to go…
- Brad: Couldn’t Railsback see that May left the other lady’s body BEFORE he slugged her in the face?
- Brad: Wait, is he still not sure? I guess he has to strip this poor woman naked to find out.
- Jim: Can we just go back to watching Mathilda walk around completely naked? Make it so Number One.
- Brian: Who would’ve thought a movie about naked space vampires could be so unbelievably boring?
- Brad: Are we sure this movie was made by the chaps that made Texas Chainsaw Massacre, Star Wars and Alien and “allegedly” Poltergeist?
- Brad: Hell of a birthmark on that one patient. No wonder he went criminally insane.
- Brian: I really only have the faintest notion of what’s going on. What happened to all the muff?
- Jim: There really is a lot of screaming in this goddamn movie.
- Brad: There’s a lot of screaming watching this goddamn movie.
- Brad: Mighty convenient that the huge hulking nurse isn’t questioning why these fellas he doesn’t know are knocking out his superior.
- Brian: Maybe it happens all the time and he’s like “Not this god damn shit again…”
- Brad: This hospital conducts surgery in this room? It looks like a smoking room in an old Victorian mansion.
- Brad: You cannot get a more British name that Sir Percy.
- Jim: Anyone else creeped out with Mathilda’s voice coming out of Sir Patrick? Engage!
- Brad: It’s messing with my boner cutting back and forth between Sir Patrick and Mathilda.
- Brian: I know what you mean, mine’s like twice the size I thought possible.
- Jim: Seems Sir Patrick has been smooching guys before seeing him pucker-up with Sir Ian.
- Brad: It is a tad off-putting seeing Railsback dry humping Sir Patrick on the table like this.
- Brian: Clearly not in the script but Patrick Stewart had yet to catch his big break and Railsback promised him he’d be a big star.
- Jim: This is one silly-ass Exorcist rip-off shot.
- Brad: You mother sews socks that smell!
- Brad: This scene in the surgery room should have Benny Hill music playing. Wait a tic:
- Whew. Glad that scene’s over. It was too intense and loud. I like my horror movies nice and quiet with a lot of gentle conversations.
- Brad: Why is he yelling? Because they’re on a helicopter!
- Jim: Leaded iron through the life center. What ever happened to a wooden stake through the heart?
- Brian: “Life center” clearly means “vagina” here, right?
- Brad: “Leaded metal shaft penetrating” Heeheehee.
- Jim: More screaming, more blood, and more Railsback chewing up the scenery.
- Brad: What the hell just happened to Mathilda May’s jelly form on the helicopter? Mothersmucker!
- Jim: So if she’s space Dracula, Railsback is space Mina Harker.
- Brian: I think that makes Railsback the Creature from the Black Lagoon, a.k.a. something that doesn’t belong in this movie.
- Brad: We leave the movie to listen to Railsback flashback ramblings and all of a sudden London is being destroyed by hordes of space vampires. How did this happen?! And how so quickly?!
- Jim: London’s going nuts and it has nothing to do with Brexit.
- Brad: “Would you like a cup of tea?!” Did you see the devastation outside?!?? Man, if this movie wasn’t taking itself so seriously, it would be a great British satire.
- Brian: A rapid decline in this movie going from teats to tea.
- Brad: Do you guys remember the old Nintendo Lifeforce game? That game had nothing to do with this movie but it was 90% more entertaining and had a better storyline.
- Jim: The PM wasn’t acting suspicious at all was he?
- Brad: I love how the PM just doesn’t give a hot shit about devouring his receptionist in the next room. And how unsurprised Carlson and Caine act towards it. They practically just shrug and walk away. I think this movie is a satire.
- Jim: London is now under NATO command? I haven’t heard that term since Red Dawn.
- Brad: This movie is totally going off the motherfucking rails! We don’t know what’s happening. And I don’t think Caine, Carlson or the helicopter pilot know either.
- Brian: Off the Rails, and back again.
- Brad: Caine should’ve been played by the actor who played Nigel in Top Secret instead.
- Brad: How much time has elapsed anyway? It felt just like a few hours but already there’s quarantine barb-wire fences all over London.
- Brian: There are wayyy to many office-based scenes. The zombie space vampires were interesting for a second, and now we’re back back to slamming our dicks into filing cabinets.
- Brad: I totally forgot about the alien ship in Halley’s Comet. Maybe instead of nuking London to save humanity, they should try nuking that ship first. Just a thought.
- Brad: You can tell Dan O’Bannon wrote this since his solution to use nukes is the same as Return of the Living Dead’s.
- Brian: He must have saved all of his good dialogue and remotely interesting characters for Return of the Living Dead, too.
- Jim: I’m waiting for some shy douche-bag to drone on and on about how much he’s in love with the receptionist.
- Brad: It’s so unbelievably convenient that Railsback knows what the vampires are doing.
- Brad: Man, I really loathe Steve Railsback.
- Jim: Now the scenes of pandemonium in the streets looks like a Russell Mulcahy movie.
- Brian: I’d definitely be down for watching this movie about a zombie apocalypse in London but it’s presented in the most dry and bland way imaginable. The movie is intentionally following the most boring characters like it’s in some experimental kind of way. It’s like getting a peep show from a young Dolly Parton but your eyes are covered with matzoh and you can never get it off.
- Jim: I really want to overdub the “Benny Hill” theme over the Colonel’s drive to the city.
- Brad: As you wish:
- Brad: That was an odd time for comic relief seeing Railsback play with a severed arm still moving.
- Jim: Tobe managed to have a Dawn of the Dead and The Evil Dead homage together in one shot.
- Brad: Everything that is happening now, Caine and Railsback racing to go, wherever, while being attacked by space vampires should’ve happened 45 minutes ago.
- Brian: The whole movie should have just been 45 minutes long and only Mathilda May walking around naked while they get attacked by space vampires
- Brad: Mathilda is repeating “Carlson” almost as much as Ted Nelson.
- Jim: Say what you want about having Mathilda May laying down in the middle of the cathedral Padre, but it sure brings in the parishioners.
- Brad: Who’s Bukowski?
- Jim: Is Fallada compromised? Uh, yup seems so.
- Brad: This is such an exciting conclusion. Seeing Fallada and Caine have a nice little chat.
- Brian: It’s the real love story of the movie, from Fallada’s point of view.
- Brad: The Lifeforce of the vampire just shot out of Fallada’s ass.
- Jim: Have you guys noticed that the lifeforces going up into the sky look an awful like the ghosts that surround Dana Barrett’s apartment building in Ghostbusters?
- Brad: So Caine got a sword or something from Fallada but where did Fallada get this sword that can kill the vampires? Harrods?
- Jim: Too much talking! More naked space vampire girl!
- Brad: “The Web of Destiny?” What is Mathilda going on about?
- Brian: The main theme does not fit in at all. It seems like the score for a western.
- Jim: That’s what happens when you forego Henry Mancini for Michael Kamen (RIP).
- Brad: I’m shocked that there wasn’t a scene where Caine stopped at the pub for a pint and some fish n’ chips while battling space vampires.
- Brad: “It would be much less terrifying if you just come to me.” I tried that pick-up line a few times. Never works.
- Jim: An alien vampire bat monster at the end? Why?
- Brian: I mean I guess it beats two Calvin Klein models just standing around waiting to suck people.
- Brad: So Caine stabs the gatekeeper vampire with the sword but it causes such a backfire that he’s thrown many feet back. Caine’s alright but then the gatekeeper cries in agony for what seems like 20 seconds and then turns into a claymation demon-bat like creature. But then that creature explodes a few seconds later. My question is, what drugs did I take today?
- Jim: This kissing scene is fucking horrible. Do actors ever practice?
- Brian: So the ending is basically the protagonist getting cockblocked.
- Brad: Railsback really would rather be with Mathilda May in her space vampire ship then stay on Earth. Can’t say I don’t blame him.
- Brian: Why does the alien spaceship look like a witch’s broom?
- Brad: Is Caine the only survivor in all of London? Sure seems so.
- Jim: So Railsback and Mathilda beam up to the ship, leaving London decimated with space vampire zombies and fly away. The end. All righty.
- Brian: Yeah everyone’s still fucked, good job.
- Brad: So let me get this straight: Caine throws Carlsen the sword and Carlsen stabs both he and Mathilda together but they don’t die they just beam up to the space vampire space ship. And then the space ship starts to glow blue with the plethora of human souls aboard and takes off as the credits roll. So basically, Caine and Carlsen failed big time in their mission—May is still alive and has legions of new souls and leaves to another galaxy. What a shitty ending. My Lifeforce has been extremely drained watching this.
Scare Stars: Brian: This is more sci-fi/softcore porn than horror.
Jim: That’s hilarious. Asking if it’s scary, not Brian’s answer. Although that is funny too. Is Schlock 9 over yet?
Brad: I’ve seen The Simpson’s Treehouse of Horrors that has given me more of the willies than Lifeforce.
Gore Galaxy: Brian: There’s more sucking of various varieties than gore, but the scene were Patrick Stewart’s head gushes blood is nearly as gory as his death on Star Trek.
Jim: Some good stuff this time out: blood, and drained vampire bodies walking around.
Brad: I’ve seen worse when it comes to blood and gore. But not many.
Nudity Nebula: Brian: I’m trying to think but I can’t remember any at all. You’d think there would be at least a little.
Jim: Even more hilarious than if this is scary, May is naked the whole fucking movie. Brava!
Brad: Too much nudity if you ask me.
Space Vacuum: Brian: Oh sure, most of the beginning is in space, and Mathilda May is also out of this world.
Jim: I don’t get this category. Does it mean how much space is in a space movie?
Brad: None. None more space.
Best Transmission: Brian: “Colonel, take it from the beginning. Assume we know nothing… which is understating the matter.” That sums it up pretty well.
Jim: “Something’s happening to me, what’s wrong?” Not exactly the first thing I’d say upon finding Mathilda naked.
Brad: “Would you like a cup of tea?” I mean, it doesn’t get any more absurd to have a British woman offer tea while the apocalypse is happening outside. Sure I’ll take a cup. 2 sugars please. The vampires will still be there in the morning.
Best Visual: Brian: Aside from Mathilda May, I really like mummified vampire look. It looks very cartoony but I think that’s what I dig about it. Peak 1985 stuff.
Jim: Pretty much the same, aside from Mathilda, I’d have to go with the puppetry effects for the vampire victims, they were really quite impressive.
Brad: The blood slowly being drained from Stewart and that other fella to make a blood-form of Mathilda on the helicopter was great. It was also weird but great seeing Ghostbusters light effects flying around London.
Worst Visual: Brian: I have to call out Steve Railsback as the lead protagonist. Not nearly as bad Michael Moriarty in The Stuff but as bland as The Stuff Lite with Nutrasweet. Tobe Hooper should’ve cast Billy Idol.
Jim: The shots of the London streets succumbing to space zombie vampirism. Everyone running around crazy was just plain silly. I hated Railsback in this as well.
Brad: Steve Railsback staring off into space whenever he spoke to someone about the space vampires. Every time he spoke to someone he stared off to some corner of the universe like the zilch that he is.
Universally: Brian: A few interesting scenes and ideas, nice cheesy effects, and a mesmerizing Mathilda May can’t make up for virtually everything else. It’s a space slog that sucks your will dry, particularly when Steve Railsback is on the screen. He’s the real vampire in all this, draining your will to continue watching. We’ve gone over this before, but Tobe Hooper. R.I.P., just wasn’t a very good filmmaker outside of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Poltergeist has a bigger asterisk next to it than Barry Bonds’ home run record or Hugh Jackman’s marriage.
Jim: Has anyone mentioned that we were thinking about doing the original V mini-series for the Halloween Triple Review yet? That would have taken fucking forever to be sure. Anyhoo, this wasn’t a bad a flick as I remember. Granted it wasn’t good, but it was certainly better than most of what I had to endure this month. Hats off to Tobe and clothes off to Mathilda I say.
Brad: So you have Tobe Hooper fresh off success of making Poltergeist. Dan O’Bannon fresh off the success of Alien. John Dykstra, who revolutionized special effects with Star Wars. Henry Mancini is doing the score and you have a slew of Shakesperean actors and the smashingly beautiful form of Mathilda May. This should be a grand slam touchdown blockbuster but unfortunately they put all this talent in a cannon—a Cannon with a dud to be exact. Seriously, everything Golan-Globus touches turns to shit. Usually it’s in a fun campy way. Not here. This was the most boring and dumbest science fiction horror production that I’ve ever seen. People say that it should be a cult classic and they may be right but try watching this more than once. It’s so dull and uninteresting (save for the Mathilda May shots). I actually watched this a few years back and hated the life-force out of it. But I figured my newfound appreciation for schlock may help with a second viewing but nope—it was worse than I recalled. I know what they were going for, a very British sci-fi thriller like the Quatermass flicks (very dry, science-based and tons of talking with a bonkers finale) and in 1985 this was just not going to fly. By all rights Lifeforce should be one helluva of crazy flick with all the shit in it—vampires, full frontal nudity, great special effects, zombies, and ghost-like apparitions flying around an exploding London. If only they put in giant robots, ninjas and dinosaurs and this movie would’ve been my adolescent wet dream of a flick. Instead it’s a wet nightmare.