Schlocktoberfest VIII – Day 31: The Stuff

The Stuff (1985)


*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Alien goop from space becomes a popular frozen treat.

Here are some of our observations as we watched the film:

  • Jim: This old geezer thinks it’s OK to stick his fingers in boiling Fluff?
  • Brad: At least he didn’t try to eat it—er…wait, he just did.
  • Brian: Why would you pick up white goo off the ground and eat it? It could be bear jizz for all you know. Or maybe that’s why he did eat it.
  • Jim: Jed Clampett wasn’t this excited when he struck black gold. Texas Tea.
  • Jim: This kid has Return Of The Jedi bed sheets. Good on him.
  • Brad: Yeah but he’s like 12 years old.
  • Jim: Do we really need to see this kid parade around in his PJ’s? What is this the Kevin Spacey channel?
  • Brad: That is one really bright fridge light! It’s blinding!
  • Brian: My mom used to make chicken that moved around in the fridge all the time. 
  • Brian: “You shouldn’t be walking around down here!!” Dad, this is our house. 
  • Jim: So The Stuff is already mined and marketed? That escalated quickly.
  • Jim: The advertising department decided to go with a woman who looks like Frances McDormand after a helium and no filter Camels binge. The 80’s truly were sexy.
  • Jim: Old white men with snifters of cognac aboard a yacht, talking about their empires – nothing has changed at all.
  • Jim: Mo Rutherford is portrayed by Michael Moriarty – this is a Larry Cohen film after all.
  • Brad: Man, I cannot stand Michael Moriarty. 
  • Brian: God damn Michael Moriarty is the most irritating actor alive.
  • Jim: A DeLorean reference that isn’t in a Back To The Future film – odd.
  • Brad: It’s hard to believe this shitty film came out the same year as Back to the Future. This film looks and feels at least 5 years older.
  • Jim: What’s the deal with Rutherford’s voice? Is that a Midwest, southern, or Texas accent?
  • Brad: Genuine Asshole.
  • Jim: The cowboy boots have answered that for me.

Interesting accent you have there? New Jersey?

  • Jim: This foley work is truly terrible.
  • Brian: He was always best as Cactus Jack.
  • Jim: Rutherford is ex-FBI turned industrial spy, not all career changes are tough to transition to.
  • Jim: How can you have over easy eggs scrambled?
  • Jim: Jason’s older brother looks like a Michael Young embryo.  Google him to get the joke.
  • Brad: The MLB infielder? I still don’t get it.
  • Jim: He used to host “Kids Are People Too” – before your time I guess.
  • Brian: The kids in this movie definitely are not people too.
  • Jim: Jason’s dad is a fucking douche-nozzle.
  • Jim: Is the secret formula to Coke’s syrup a secret anymore? It must be as easy to find on the internet as pics of Jennifer Lawrence’s tits by now.
  • Brian: Cocaine, ostrich piss, and butter.
  • Jim: Ugliest models ever.
  • Brad: This advertising lady, Nicole, came up with the ever so clever name The Stuff? She’s truly an ad wizard!
  • Brian: It’s like when my daughter was a toddler and she’d name her stuffed (STUFFed!) animals just what they were, like a horse would be Horsey or a unicorn would be Unicorny.
  • Jim: Jesus Rutherford, KISS didn’t wear boots that fucking big.
  • Jim: Jason was a food activist years before they were invented.
  • Brad: I’m confused as to what type of food The Stuff is. It’s in the dairy section in one scene but then shown in the frozen case and another scene it’s out in the open stacked in an aisle unrefrigerated. Make up your damn minds!
  • Brian: That should be a red flag for consumers.
  • Jim: I can see 6 brands of crackers in this shot that they don’t make anymore.
  • Brian: Speaking of crackers, not a ton of diversity in this movie, huh?
  • Brad: And why is there only one Cromdamned flavor which looks like vanilla? Can’t they add flavoring to this viscous shit?
  • Jim: Eric Bogosian!
  • Jim: It took 3 adults to pin Jason down, is he one of the kids from Power Pack?
  • Jim: This is not one of Larry Cohen’s finest. I really need to watch It’s Alive or Q The Winged Serpent to cleanse myself.
  • Jim: Danny Aiello!
  • Jim: I wonder if the marketing of Cool Whip went through as many hurdles.
  • Jim: Why is there a tracking dolly shot used here?
  • Jim: The dichotomy between Aiello and his dog is odd to say the least.
  • Jim: The possessed dog f/x in “The Thing” were far better.
  • Brian: That dog attack scene was done much better in Airplane!
  • Jim: When Rutherford said, “state ‘o Georgia” I thought he was being a wise-ass.  It turns out the town’s name is “Stader.” Ha! I’m incorrigible.
  • Jim: Why is this gas station attendant so adamant on hand washing? Who cares if the towel in the bathroom is new or not?
  • Brian: Remember that “towel loop” system that was in most high schools and your less desirable rest areas? Those were so gross I could barely stand to dry my balls with it.
  • Jim: Garrett Morris!
  • Brad: So why is Chocolate Chip Charlie hanging around this fleabag town? What is he trying to find here?!
  • Jim: I really don’t think you can call a black guy “Chocolate Chip” anymore, even if it is part of his trademarked name. Then again, this is Georgia.
  • Brian: At least he’s not Rum Balls Charlie. Or Gingerdead Charlie.
  • Jim: Village Of The Damned Stader is not.
  • Brad: Why would the shop keeper want two weird strangers to take him out to dinner?
  • Brian: Maybe he thought the were the guys he contacted on Grindr.
  • Jim: Garrett Morris is the best actor in this opus so far.
  • Brian: Why wasn’t he the lead instead of Michael Moriarty?
  • Jim: Rednecks with melee weapons = never a good thing.
  • Jim: Rutherford just punched that redneck’s face off!  Hooray!
  • Brian: I guess it kind of sort of stuff of works like an Invasion of the Body Snatchers thing? Body Stuffers?
  • Jim: This entire movie was ad-libbed right?
  • Brad: Why doesn’t this diner have The Stuff when that rinky dink shop had a ton of it?
  • Jim: Every actor in this movie seems drunk.
  • Brian: Why is all of a sudden The Stuff becoming sentient and killing people from the inside? Hasn’t it been sold for a while?

Phallic desert toppings erupting out of random lakes in the south. This country is beyond doomed.

  • Jim: It must be invigorating to be referred to as a champion for the ice cream industry.
  • Jim: Stuffies?  Oh fuck this movie.
  • Brian: Ok, I have to issue a public apology to George from Blood Diner and Derek from Bad Taste. Mo is the absolute stuffing worst character in the history of cinema and it has 1,000,000 percent to do with Michael Moriarty’s performance.
  • Jim: Why do another take when the main actor clearly flubs his line?
  • Jim: Jason has Jedi posters and covers to the old magazine Dragon on his walls. Good on him again.
  • Jim: Wild guess, but I think Jason’s family were all assholes way before they became Stuffies.
  • Brian: Jason’s family really wants him to eat The Stuff. Just do it, I mean, what else do you have going on in your life?
  • Jim: I thought I heard someone playing Colecovision Zaxxon!
  • Jim: Star Frontiers basic game rules and modules right on the living room coffee table?  I might have judged this family prematurely.
  • Jim: Who puts a Motley Crue poster in the hall bathroom?
  • Brian: I had a Cinderella poster in my bathroom when I was a kid. That’s where I would eat all my Pat’s Chili Dogs.
  • Jim: I hope Lucasfilm got a few bucks from this, there’s Return Of The Jedi shit all over this house.
  • Jim: Jason would rather eat Barbasol than The Stuff. Kid’s got morals.
  • Brad: How is it even possible to eat shaving cream? Wouldn’t that make him violently ill?
  • Brian [actual unedited note I took]: What the fuck is a kid doing
  • Jim: How did Rutherford find Jason?
  • Brad: How? My question is why did he find him? How did Rutherford know Jason knew about The Stuff being evil?
  • Jim: This movie is really all over the fucking place.
  • Brad: This kid is no Henry Thomas.
  • Jim: Whatever happened to the railroad worker who discovered The Stuff?
  • Brad: He sent that kid to get on a plane to Georgia but who’s suppose to meet and take care of the kid when he arrived!? Is he just supposed to wait for him at the airport?
  • Jim: Abe Vigoda! Clara Peller!
  • Brian: “Where’s The Stuff?” Man the ‘80s were the best. Except for when they made The Stuff. That was a bigger disaster than the Challenger explosion and the Exxon Valdez spill combined. 
  • Brad: Why am I the only guy who didn’t know the Where’s the Beef lady’s actual name?
  • Jim: A “Where’s The Beef” reference that was probably the last time that catchphrase was funny.  Not including my use of it in the Schlocktoberfest 8te trailer of course.

This might as well have been one of those “Rockers Against Drugs” ads from back in the day.

  • Jim: Did someone with epilepsy edit this movie?
  • Brad: How exactly did The Stuff get in their bed? They weren’t using it as lube were they?
  • Brian: Michael Moriarty was probably so desperate to get laid he wouldn’t have minded getting Stuff on his junk.
  • Jim: I remember that falling up the wall gag from A Nightmare On Elm Street.
  • Brad: Why is the Stuff attacking this other guy, who’s obviously a brainwashed ally of The Stuff?
  • Jim: The production really didn’t give a shit that the stunt people’s faces are shown clearly in this scene.
  • Brad: That’s not the center of the Earth Moriarty! That’s not even the crust!
  • Jim: There weren’t this many expository truck scenes in Maximum Overdrive.
  • Brian: Jason locks himself in a tanker truck. Smooth move, Stuff-Lax.
  • Jim: I honesty can’t believe that this movie isn’t over yet.
  • Brad: Where did he get all these plastic explosives and why does he have plastic explosives?
  • Jim: This shot of The Stuff lake looks like a rip-off of Close Encounters of the Third Kind.
  • Jim: Has anyone ever told Michael Moriarty that he looks exactly like Jon Voight?
  • Brad: He’s the poor man’s Jon Voight.
  • Brian: Jason communicates with The Stuff like a friend. It’s like E.T. with less murder. 
  • Jim: After Rutherford detonates the cliff to fall into the lake of Stuff, does that make it rocky road?  I hate myself for that joke.
  • Brian: I made the same joke in Ice Cream Man before I read this! Great minds stuff alike!
  • Jim: Finally a guy getting run over by a truck – we never see that anymore.
  • Brad: Yeah but how did that guy’s face explode when just his legs got run over with that truck?
  • Brad: That kid really wanted that cop to frisk and search him.
  • Brad: Moriarty is so dead-eyed in his performance. He’s got black eyes, lifeless eyes!
  • Brian: And those black eyes roll over white, and then… oh, then you hear that terrible low-pitch yawnin’, The Stuff turns red, and spite of all the groanin’ and the dozin’ off, Moriarty comes in and he… annoys you to pieces.
  • Brad: And he’s doing his best Lindsay Graham impression.
  • Jim: Paul Sorvino!
  • Brad: Poor Paulie.
  • Jim: I’m convinced – there was no screenplay to this movie.
  • Brad: Hey, where is Chocolate Chip Charlie anyway?
  • Brian: I KNOW!! He was the most interesting character by far and they used him for 6 minutes. I’m sure Garret Morris wasn’t too busy.
  • Brad: Why is the army in that castle building? Are they a rogue platoon? They were unaware about the Stuff because Rutherford told them just now. so what were they doing there?
  • Jim: Stuffies bleed Stuff.

    The result of co-starring with Ron Jeremy in the mid-eighties.

  • Jim: Worst good-guy music ever.
  • Brad: And they just go and attack the Stuff’s factory on Rutherford’s unproven word? They go in guns blazing with no proof of it being evil or nefarious. This is not how the military works!
  • Jim: Not exactly Delta Force are they?
  • Brian: It would be great if they accidentally attacked a Häagen-Dazs factory instead, but they said screw it anyway because it’s un-American.
  • Brad: And why is Nicole and Jason with them on their raid?
  • Jim: This acting is fucking abysmal.
  • Jim: So is the green screen work.
  • Jim: Was Sorvino holding Nicole’s high heels supposed to be funny?
  • Jim: Honestly. What the fuck is going on?
  • Brad: Why is there a giant 1000 dollar bill on the wall of this radio station?
  • Brad: Why does Paul Sorvino, who’s a military general, own not one, but a few radio stations?
  • Brian: Robert E. Lee owned dozens of Dot Com companies before the bubble burst. It’s what lost the South the war.
  • Brad: Moriarty’s monotone delivery is hilarious.
  • Brad: Paul Sorvino just referred Garrett Morris as a colored man. And here I thought it was 1985 but the DeLorean took is back to 1955.
  • Brian: That racism was really out of left field. There’s no real reason for it. Although Chocolate Chip Charlie is the only non-honky in this whole picture so maybe Sorvino was just startled.
  • Jim: At least Garrett Morris is back. He’s supposed to be Famous Amos. I get it.
  • Jim: And he explodes with Stuff.
  • Brad: Why does The Stuff need to open up Chocolate Chip Charlie’s whole head to slip out?
  • Brian: He’s like a Stuff bomb sent to kill the resistance. Nice special effect. Too little too late.
  • Jim: I hate this movie.
  • Brad: And how did it not immediately attack the advertising girl when Chocolate Chip Charlie was right in front of her?
  • Jim: The Stuff store explodes, but the McDonald’s right next door is untouched.
  • Brian: It’s because their burgers are made of styrofoam, camel meat, and sawdust. Shouldn’t that have been a Wendy’s to tie it in with the Clara Peller cameo?
  • Brad: And all it takes is one radio warning from some AM station in Atlanta to convince people that the Stuff is bad and they should destroy it. 
  • Jim: Mother of all that is fuck, end!
  • Jim: Dilute The Stuff with ice cream and everyone’s happy with the new campaign.
  • Jim: Why aren’t they playing Weird Al’s “Eat It” now?
  • Jim: Patrick Dempsey!  The last of the who-fucking-cares cameos.
  • Jim: The Stuff is now only available on the black market it seems.  What an ending.
  • Brian: Eat The Stuff until you die! I feel like I just did. 

Is It Actually Palatable: Jim: I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say no.

Brian: About as palatable as eating shaving cream.

Brad: I want to Stuff my eyes and ears with some sort of stuff.

Scariest Entree: Jim: Watching every scene with Rutherford and trying to pretend what he’s speaking is comprehensible.

Brian: Every time Michael Moriarty appears onscreen is the equivalent of a jump scare.

Brad: ☝🏻☝🏻☝🏻

Is It Raw and Bloody: Jim: I found the sparse gore shots to be more creamy than bloody.

Brian: It’s Blah and Ruddy.

Brad: You can’t get blood from a stone stuff.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Jim: Didn’t see any.

Brian: Depends on how sexually attracted you are to The Stuff itself.

Brad: Clara Peller is in this. Need we say more?

Most Delectable Line: Jim: “I suppose we do have to keep the world safe for ice cream.” Is that what motivates The Avengers?

Brian: “What you’re supposed to do, you’re supposed to EAT IT, that’s all; you eat it and eat as much of it as you can and you KEEP eating it!” – Jason’s brother, out of context

Brad: “Don’t you know who I am? I am Chocolate-Chip Charlie! My hands are registered with the mid-New Jersey police as lethal weapons, and I eat them guns for breakfast!” I only picked this quote because it was Garrett Morris and he mentioned the great state of New Jersey.

Most Delicious Scene: Jim: I thought all of the in-camera f/x scenes with The Stuff were pretty good for the time.

Brian: The hotel room scene was pretty decent. I haven’t seen that much white goo in a hotel room since…

Brad: That time when the movie ended was really great.

Most Flavorless Scene: Jim: Realizing that according to this movie, the earth’s core is full of alien-killer-whipped cream.

Brian: When Jason keeps eating the shaving cream even though he doesn’t need to. I’d like to think that after the whole Stuff incident Jason becomes addicted to eating shaving cream to get high.

Brad: That time when the movie started was really awful.

Overall: Jim: Another one that goes under the file, “It Was More Enjoyable When I Was A Kid.”  

Brian: What a complete waste of time and Stuff. Like I said this could have been a cool The Blob crossed with Invasion of the Body Snatchers kind of vibe but it’s just a complete motherstuffing mess. The plot is all over the place, non of these scenes are all that interesting, and Michael Moriarty is an ins(t)ufferable lead actor. So I guess the secret formula for The Stuff is total bullshit.

Brad: This is my second viewing of this abysmally bad B-grade schlock. Now I’m questioning all my life’s decisions. But in all seriousness, like what Brian said, this had a great concept and could’ve been a great flick. I think at times it tried to take itself too seriously and other times it wanted to play with a humorous tone. The political and industrial plot lines were a stretch and as if we didn’t mention it enough Michael Moriarty’s character is irritating AF. This movie should be remade by a capable director and writers. And I think it should because it could really work. Especially in this day and age’s consumerism. I’m only giving this flick a 2 even though it deserves a lower score because it was actual food being the horror and not about cannibals.

Score: Jim: 1 pint of The Stuff to go (out of 10).

Brian: 1.5 Chocolate Chips for Charlie (out of 10).

Brad: 2 Nut-Busting Bites From Danny Aiello’s Doberman (out of 10)

5 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest VIII – Day 31: The Stuff

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