TerrorVision (1986)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Coordinates: The alien from The Deadly Spawn comes through Gerrit Graham’s TV, chaos ensues.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Here’s another one that I’ve seen before but remember virtually nothing about. I just remember that Brad and I watched it because we thought we liked it when we were kids, but we kind of hated it, and I’m pretty sure I confused most of it with The Stuff, which is the worst sign possible.
• Planet Pluton, Sanitation Department, Fred G. Sanford Memorial Star Facility.
• I don’t know if I had a bigger crush on Dianne Franklin or Julie Warner back in the day, or maybe my man crush on Gerritt Graham was bigger.
• The alien that got flushed away by Planet Pluton’s sanitation department looks quite a bit like the alien from The Deadly Spawn, except with eyes, and a dick hung on him 9 inches long.
• My wife wants to point out that Gerrit Graham’s name is Mr. Putterman, which is close to Mr. Futterman from Gremlins. I don’t see the connection, but I still love her.
• Although the mom is played by a Joe Dante regular. Maybe she’s onto something.
• So the premise is Mr. Butterman (Graham) is setting up a new satellite dish and the alien from Planet Pluton kind of gets beamed down to their house through it. I don’t know how old you are reading this but trust me this used to happen back in the ‘80s.
• I think we didn’t care for this because it’s mercilessly cheesy, but it’s completely intentional so I’ll just keep that shit in mind.
• OD is played by Uncle Rico, better known as King Vidiot from Joysticks! He had the dumb punk market cornered back then. I’m surprised he didn’t play Suicide in Return of the Living Dead.
• This happened a lot in movies but they confused punk and metal. Close, but also a lot of differences, culturally. This was back when we had pop culture differences.
• There’s a TV horror host named Medusa with a huge rack, but why couldn’t they just get the queen Elvira? I guess they blew their budget on Gerrit Graham’s salary and alien goop.
• “You stare at her tits, I’m going to bed.” – my wife. Done.
• Maybe we were in bad moods when we rewatched this 8 years ago, but I kind of dig it it so far.
• So far this is all comedy and no horror, hopefully someone aside from Gerrit Graham and Dianne Franklin gets mutilated soon.
• There’s a dish technician guy played by the dude who gives Hamilton shit about his order in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.
• The inside of the Butterman’s house looks like the inside of the mausoleum from Phantasm.
• There are tons of nude statues and paintings. Maybe this will inspire Dianne Franklin.
• So the Fast Times guy is killed but nothing is shown. Maybe this isn’t going to be all that horrory. But nobody will ever read this, so who cares.
• Oh, nevermind, the grandpa gets his head crushed in. Now we’re talking. My grandfather went the same way.

• Gerrit Graham drives a Porsche with a license plate that says Mr. Cool. I assume he brought that to the set from home.
• Hey it’s that high-voiced blonde with the huge boobies. An ‘80s schlock staple actress! You know which one I’m talking about.
• She and her man are swingers, as in “to swing”!
• The boy, Sherman, is a dead ringer for skateboarding legend Jay Adams.
• This alien is like The Thing in that he can puke up an old man’s head and animate it to fool his family into thinking he’s still alive. Exactly like The Thing.
• Ok yeah there’s a ton of filler here, mostly with the Butterman’s swinging. Many more people should have have their heads squished by now.
• An alien appears on TV to warn people that he accidentally sent the alien monster to Earth and he’s sorry. It’s kind of like a regretful Trump voter.
• Why does Uncle Rico always do that thing with his mouth when he talks, no matter the role? He like sticks his jaw sideways and his tongue is full in it. You know what I mean.
  

  stop it

• We’re looking to move soon and my top priority is now an indoor swinger’s pool like the Buttermans have.
• The alien monster has filled the sex pool with goo, but that’s its intended purpose anyway.
• Well the Greek swinger was killed in the sex goop pool.
• NOOOOOOOOO Gerrit Graham!!
• I don’t understand why when the monster kills someone green blood comes out of them. Or is the monster spraying green semen into them?
• This house couldn’t look less like a house if it was a Taco Bell.
• At least Gerrit Graham’s head will continue on.
• The monster imitates the Butterman parents’ heads and the other two swingers in the bed to fool the kids, and even gramps pops up! That scene was great.

This scene looks eerily similar to the annual Schlocktoberfest wrap party.

• The monster was just imitating swingers in the bed, but now he came out of the TV. I don’t get his powers. I don’t even get my own powers.
• The monster thinks Uncle Rico is his dad because of his studded glove. If he went to Fire Island he’d think everyone was his daddy!

• Now the kids are befriending the monster with food and music. I don’t know why Jay Adams doesn’t just shoot him with the machine gun he’s holding.
• I know this is farcical but these kids don’t give a snake’s butthole about their family being dead.
• Oh, nevermind, apparently they just fell for that goopy orgy thing.
• This has basically ceased being horror and now it’s like E.T. If the kids tried to exploit E.T. For financial gain.
• Wait, is it Butterman or Putterman? It seems to go either way in this. Just like that Greek swinger!
• The monster ate Uncle Rico’s face, so now he can’t do that jaw thing anymore.
• Also, a policeman showed up to arrest Sherman just because he called 911 twice.
• Now we’re back to the monster being on a rampage, why was any of that making friends with it stuff necessary? It could have been totally skipped and we’d be in the exact same scenario.
• Now the monster is just chilling out in the sex pool and watching UFO movies. Leave him alone, you monsters!
• Suzy throws the remote in the sex pool and kind of electrocutes the thing, then the space guy from TV comes through the TV to exterminate the monster.
• Medusa shows up to the house to party, still wearing her snake hat. Sure, you can leave it on.
• She kills the space guy for no real reason. I bet the monster eats her boobs right off.
• Sherman gets sucked into the monster’s maw, then it fades the the monster with Madusa’s head in the back of her car telling her driver to go to the TV studio. So everyone’s dead? Even Dianne Franklin???

Scare Stars:

Gore Galaxy: A lot of green goop and clear goop, and the movie had these things, too.

Nudity Nebula: Medusa’s cleavage; alien goop.

Space Vacuum: Aside from the garbage planet in the beginning everything pretty much takes place in one house, like an effective kidnapping.

Best Transmission: “OD, my new boyfriend!” “Irish boy?”

Best Visual: The theme song, without question. It’s cheesier than Milwaukee birth canal but in a great way.

Worst Visual: Like I said before the part where the kids try to befriend the alien monster and teach it about food and music is completely pointless and goes nowhere, much like Schlocktoberfest itself.

Universally: Well I have to say after scraping 6 feet underneath the bottom of the barrel for movies to fit this year’s space theme and settling for this that I’ve seen before and strongly disliked, I was pleasantly surprised. I wouldn’t say it’s some great hidden gem that you would watch over and over again but if you watch it just expecting total cheese and don’t confuse it with The Stuff then you may slightly enjoy yourself. 

Analysis: 4.5 Goopy Orgies (out of 10)