Parasite (1982)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Mission Log: Aaron Paul knocked it out of the fucking park! Only Vince Gilligan could write two amazing finales years apart from each other. It was so cool to see all those Breaking Bad cameos too. Huh? What? Oh right, Parasite was Demi Moore’s first major film role and nothing else really. Anyway back to El Camino, how cool was that scene with…

Here are some of my observations during playback:

• The producers of the first three Halloween movies and Puppetmaster are behind this. Can’t be all that bad.
• I don’t have the 3-D version of this so strike one already.
• This laboratory looks like it’s leftover from a sixties Corman movie.
• Did the parasite go into the doctor or the guy strapped to the table.
• Is the doctor the guy strapped to the table? What’s going on here?
• The parasite shot out of his skull and the doctor is now sitting in an ambulance screaming himself awake from a nightmare. Can I just punch out now and go right to my re-cap? I’m so done.
• According to the billboard on the highway it’s 1992. I love shitty sci-fi movies that were made 37 years ago and take place 27 years ago.
• Demi Moore ladies and germs, her first major film role. Whoopee.
• Cherie Currie is in this? Rock on.
• Why did Vivian Blaine have to have “Miss” in front of her name for the credits? Is that a Guys and Dolls reference?
• Parasite effects by the late great Stan Winston. I bet he eventually erased this from his resume.
• The doctor walked right underneath that stepladder which means bad luck for both of us I think.
• Have you ever noticed that people just cut and paste the information from IMDB and slap it into Wikipedia? Lazy pricks.
  

  Madballs!

• The doctor rescues Rainbeaux Smith from being gang raped, beats the shit out of her would-be assailants, fires his laser gun willy-nilly; and is thanked by being attacked by Rainbeaux before she runs off with on of her attackers. Chicks, am I right?
• Turns out the doctor’s name is Paul Dean. Did he get into trouble for using a racial slur 20 years ago too?
• Coffee is $5 a pack in this dystopian 1992, and that’s without a Starbucks anywhere in town.
• A crazy topless Rainbeaux Smith in slo-mo is always a welcome treat.
• I guess the pipe Dr. Dean shoved into this guy’s stomach was a 3-D shot judging by the length of time the camera is lingering on it.
• This is one shitty future I tell ya, unleaded is $40 a gallon. The gas station also proclaims to take silver only with no bartering. That seems a bit ridiculous since the pump is self-serve.
• The gas station attendant is Arnold from Fast Times at Ridgemont High. I hope he had a helluva piss.
• It seems that one of the side effects of being infected with this parasite is boredom and lethargic pacing.
• I think it’s high time to throw this Kiss classic in:

• This scene with Mrs. Roper of the future isn’t really helping the flow of this movie.
• Doctor Dean looking at his parasitic stomach in the mirror is the only thing that’s happened in the past 10 minutes.
• What early 80’s d-grade flick is complete without a Lamborghini Countach?
• Maybe this group of ruffians from central casting will help liven things up.
• Wow, the gang’s leader bit into a lemon and ate it like an apple. Don’t fuck with this sour puss; he’s tough as nails.
• I’m not kidding, nothing is happening in this movie.
  

  And I thought my hiatal hernia was bad…

• I’ve never seen assault, burglary, and kidnapping portrayed so boringly.
• Why the fuck did this scene fade to black? Does the editor know what those are?
• The parasite pops out of a thermos and attaches itself to a gang member. The most action packed scene so far.
• Ewww, Doctor Dean has women’s fingernails.
• Apparently Demi’s home-brewed lemon tea doesn’t sit well if you have a parasite in your stummy.
• An old man’s hand gets blown off by a laser gun! Whoa, tone down the action, it’s getting too intense.
• It’s hard to believe this is the same Demi Moore that was in Ghost.
• Every time the parasite is in a shot they cutaway. Why have the movie’s namesake in a shot anyway right?
• This merchant guy hunting Doctor Dean really isn’t that adapt with a laser gun.
• Nice of the production to give Cherie Currie a few lines, I thought she was a mute up until this point.
• Cherie’s in for it now, the parasite has killed the gang member and has taken a liking to her now.
• Speaking of, they couldn’t use at least one song by The Runaways?
• To say that Demi owns a lemon grove is saying a bit much, there’s maybe three trees in her shitty garden out back.
• Another dumb fade out.
• I am so fucking tired of making sure this text shows up black and not grey. See?
• Finally some excitement! The parasite finishes off Cherie, then kills future Mrs. Roper and exits her body by exploding out of her face with a mouthful of brains! And to think it only took 74 minutes for the action to kick in.
  

  What the hell happened to Geena Davis?

• Wolf the Merchant is an utter dildo.
• There’s no way Doctor Dean would survive an open wound like that after he gets the parasite out of his gut.
• It’s hard to believe these are Stan Winston effects.
• Wolf and the last parasite are blown up and burned in an explosion, and I have to agree with Demi as she watches them burn, “you’re finally free, it’s over.” Damn right sister, I am and it is.
  

  Your ass is so square, baby I don’t care. Take it away King!

Scare Stars: Unless you count Demi’s acting, this was far from terrifying in any way.

Gore Galaxy: Some blood scattered around, and two fairly decent head/face explosions.

Heavenly Bodies: Thanks to the incomparable Rainbeaux Smith yes. They must have thrown her tits in later on in the production to keep people in the seats.

Best Transmission:  When the parasite explodes out of the motel owner’s face is the only one that comes to mind; this movie really had nothing going for it at all.

Best Visual: If you can ignore how badly everyone runs in this movie, the end battle is decent enough.

Worst Visual: This movie was marketed as 3-D, but it looked like there were only four or five shots that would utilize that technology.

Damage Report: Well that fucking sucked out loud. Nearly ¾ of the film has absolutely nothing going on, and in the last ten minutes there’s action. The home stretch has never looked better. With one more movie to go, Schlock 9 is almost over, and in the words of the immortal Red Leader:

Kobayashi Maru Score: