The Blob (1988)
What’s It About: No kids, not a movie about Honey Boo Boo’s mother. This here is the remake of the 1958 classic, which blew its special effects budget on Steve McQueen’s hair. It’s definitely a movie that deserved a remake, but how to improve it? Well the answer was: awesome blob gore.
The movie stars Kevin Dillon, Generation X’s Steve McQueen, and Shawnee Smith, who somehow always looked way too old for high school even when she was in day care.
Shawnee Smith plays Meg, a cheerleader and bit of a tramp, I’m assuming, and Kevin Dillon plays a mullet with a motorcycle named Brian Flagg.
A meteor lands in a woodsy area of their warm ski town, and it contains some kind of goopy thing, let’s just call it the Blob. I just made that up. Anyway, a homeless woodsman pokes at the meteor with a stick, and the Blob blobs his arm, and blobs it well.
Meanwhile, a football player, Paul, comes to pick up Meg for a date and meets her dad, who recognizes him as a kid he thought was eager to buy condoms from him at the pharmacy earlier. Comedy!
Flagg is out in the woods fixing up his motorcycle, which he crashed there earlier trying to jump an old broken bridge. Apparently he couldn’t walk it back to town even though he was just fixing it with a socket set, which I guess repairs bent wheels. Anyway, the homeless guy pops up with the Blob on his arm and he naturally tries to hack his arm off with a hatchet. He runs off and Flagg chases him through the woods… straight into Paul’s car. They take him to the hospital, and stay there filling out forms even though he’s homeless and they have no idea who he is. But as homeless guy is laying on a gurney, the Blob eats his lower half. So the Blob kind of works like slime made of acid.
As Paul is on the phone to the fuzz, he gets blobbed too. Meg comes by while Paul is being eaten and pulls his arm off when she tries to rescue him. All in all, it’s a better first date than I ever had.
The cops like Flagg for these killings, even though that’s f*cking ridiculous.
Paul’s jock friend, who earlier bought the condoms from the pharmacist who is Meg’s dad and pinned it on Paul when the priest questioned him (not important), is trying to make it with a girl in his car, and when he goes to his trunk to make her a drink, the Blob comes blobbing by. As he tries to feel some boob, the Blob bloobs him good since it’s blabbed her already.
So everyone still believes that Flagg dissolved the homeless guy’s lower half and dragged away a football player who was bigger than him to kill him even though he had no reason to do so. That part of the plot is really really weak. It makes zero sense. Eventually the sheriff realizes this and let’s him go. BIG MISTAKE BECAUSE TWIST HE’S BEEN CONTROLLING THE BLOB WITH HIS MIND THIS WHOLE TIME!!!
Meg meets up with Flagg because she needs someone to corroborate her wild Blob story. Unfortunately, they talk in a diner that has pipes full of Blob. It grabs the cook by the face and sucks him down the drain, then goes after Flagg and Meg, but they hide in the freezer, and like an old lady from New Jersey who spends the winter in Florida, the Blob hates the cold.
But the Blob’s not going to rest on its blobby laurels, so it blobs the sheriff and the diner waitress in some kind of glass box that has what looks like a gigantic cell phone with a cord on it.
If you’re not aware already I should probably point out that the Blob grows bigger with each person it eats. So the more it eats the bigger it gets, the bigger it gets the better it feels, so let’s have people for every meal.
Soon, a priest goes into the diner and finds crystallized Blob pieces. He puts them in a jar even though he has no idea what they are. I mean, he saw the Blob in an alley for a second but how would he equate that purple ice with the gooey thing he just saw? Maybe it was just some frozen jelly?
Meanwhile, some dudes in hazmat suits from the EPA or NASA or something show up at the meteor crash site and explain… something to Flagg and Meg, I’m not sure. What’s important is that the Blob found its way to the local movie theater, where it blobs the projectionist.
Let’s check my notes: “I feel that I have to know whether or not Kevin Dillon was wearing a mullet wig for this movie. I HAVE to know this.”
The hazmat dudes round up everyone in town, while the Blob breaks some hell loose in the theater. Meg goes there to find her kid brother and his friend, which leads to a really cool scene of the Blob attacking everyone in the theater while the projector strobe-lit everything. I wish that had happened to me when I watched Transformers 2.
Turns out the Blob’s meteor was actually some kind of US satellite. And the government wants to use it as germ warfare against the Russians? How do they plan on controlling it? And they think Flagg is infected… with…. something. I’m not sure how the Blob “infects” anyone. Well, Flagg probably is infected, but not how they think…
But Flagg shows them that you can still live your life to its fullest with an STD by escaping the hazmat guys on his shitty motorcycle, even though they’re shooting at him and there’s a helicopter overhead. Maybe his mullet acts like a cloaking device.
Anyway, they want to close off the sewers because the Blob is hanging out down there with Meg and the kids. The Blob actually kills the kid who isn’t Meg’s brother, which you really don’t expect so it’s awesome. Meg’s brother escapes but Meg is too big to fit through the sewer grate, which has to be damaging for her self-esteem.
Somehow someway, Flagg gets his motorcycle down in the sewers and finds Meg. They find a way out but the hazmat dudes see them and shut them down there, although I’m not sure why. Fortunately, Flagg manages to bazooka their way out.
The hazmat guys keep shooting at the Blob, even though it clearly does no good at all and just pisses it off.
The Blob finally comes back above ground and starts kicking ass. The priest says that this has all been prophesied. There’s a Blob part of the Bible?
Meg squirts the Blob with a fire extinguisher and figures out way too quickly that it can’t stand cold. But the Blob is now the size of a small house, so spraying it in one little part with a fire extinguisher probably isn’t going to affect it too much. Also, it seems to be a lot more solid than the dripping slime it was before.
Fortunately, Flagg comes with a snow maker truck, even though he wasn’t around Meg when she figured out the cold thing. But he tries to ram the Blob for some reason and the truck flips over. Smooth move, Ex-Lax. But Meg blows up one of the snow tanks, which somehow blankets the entire town in snow somehow and crystallizes the Blob. Poor Blob.
But wait! Remember when the priest collected the icy Blob pieces earlier? Flash forward to some months later, and he still has them, and it seems that he’ll be using them for nefarious blob purposes.
Is It Actually Scary: The Blob is a twist on a monster movie, so there really aren’t any scares. It goes more for gory shock value and tension.
Scariest Moment: When the Blob attempts an attack on Kevin Dillon in the shower, he barely gets the conditioner washed out of his mullet before he makes his escape.
How Much Gore: A blobload! Pretty much every death scene is fantastically gory. Probably the least-gory kill is when the Blob snaps the deputy in half to pull him through a bookcase, which is still great.
Dumbest Moment: There really doesn’t seem to be a narrative point to the whole government intervention thing. It’s really unnecessary. A Blob from outer space doesn’t need much of an explanation.
Any Nudity: The Blob is fully nude throughout the entire movie and is not ashamed of it. Otherwise, no.
Overall: A refreshing update on a monster movie classic. It’s not flawless by any means, but upping the gore and horror was a great move. Definitely a good time, especially if you have a fat fetish or are a mullet admirer.
I wouldn’t be surprised to see another Blob movie come out down the road. The monster is just too unique and versatile not to use for something (like when Creepshow 2 did kind of a WaterBlob segment). It would be awesome to take the Blob out of the small town and put it into a city. The Blob Eats Manhattan could be epic!
Score: 7.5 majestic Kevin Dillon mullets (out of 10)