Welcome to the opening round of the first ever Villain Madness! Here we’re pitting some of our favorite movie villains against each other in a Karate Kid-like tournament without a wuss like Daniel LaRusso and to the death. We’ve broken the competitors up into groups according to their respective genres: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Action, Horror and Schlock (which is mostly B-movies that we’ve covered for Schlocktoberfest). Now, this is our list, made up of the villains that we at Hard Ticket to Home Video feel were worthy, so that’s why you may find some villains “missing” (e.g., “Where’s Darth Vader??” We had a NO STAR WARS rule for this because Star Wars villains almost always run away with these things. And besides, the prequels disqualified him.) So get comfortable on the edge of your seat and vote, VOTE, VOTE!
1. Velvet Von Ragnar (Never Too Young to Die)
Hermaphrodite leader of a homeless army and master of disguise.
Evil plan: To poison the city’s water supply and seduce Lance Stargrove.
16. Dr. Carl Stoner (Sssssss)
Renowned snake scientist specializing in cobras.
Evil plan: To create a race of snakes that were once men and have man’s intelligence.
8. Zeus (No Holds Barred)
A mystery man with the world’s laziest eye who basically just goes around beating other guys up.
Evil plan: To destroy Rip so he can win the Battle of the Tough Guys.
9. Belial (Basket Case)
Former conjoined twin, now a glob of flesh who lives in a basket and has some kind of mental powers.
Evil plan: To murder all of the scientists involved in his separation surgery and to c-block his brother.
5. Killer Klowns (Killer Klowns from Outer Space)
Murderous alien clowns who use circus tricks to kill.
Evil plan: To trap everyone in town in cotton candy cocoons and drink their blood through crazy straws.
12. Aylmer (Brain Damage)
Kind of like a psychic leech with a charming personality and smooth voice.
Evil plan: To control people by injecting his juice into their brains so they will help him go out and feed on other people.
4. Zuni Fetish Doll (Trilogy of Terror)
Freaky-looking doll with the soul of a Zuni warrior that really wants to kill you.
Evil plan: Kill Amelia. If that doesn’t work, put his soul in her body.
13. Death Bed (Death Bed: The Bed That Eats)
Cursed bed that devours everyone who dare lay on it.
Evil plan: To resurrect its dead lover and eat.
6. The Blob (The Blob)
Anthropomorphic malleable death mass.
Evil plan: To kill and absorb everyone so it can grow bigger and bigger.
11. Porky Wallace (Porky’s)
Fat redneck jerk owner of backwater strip club.
Evil plan: To keep local high school boys out of his club by being an a-hole.
3. Cropsey (The Burning)
Summer camp groundskeeper turned summer camp slasher.
Evil plan: To kill campers because of that time campers tried to burn him alive.
14. Protectors (Chopping Mall)
Robot mall security.
Evil plan: Go haywire and kill mall intruders.
1. Bruce (Jaws)
Really hungry rogue shark.
Evil plan: To eat anybody who swims near him and ruin the 4th of July.
16. Max Zorin (A View to a Kill)
Evil plan: Create earthquake to destroy his competition in the microchip industry and to stay “on shedyool.”
8. Wez (The Road Warrior)
Insane biker who loves to wear ass-less chaps.
Evil plan: Steal gas, murder, rape.
9. Bennett (Commando)
Mercenary with a bad haircut and mustache combo.
Evil plan: To make money through death and to show John Matrix that he’s better.
6. Toht (Raiders of the Lost Ark)
Creepiest Nazi ever.
Evil plan: To help steal the Ark of the Covenant and bring the Nazis to power.
11. Mola Ram (Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom)
Cult leader who can pull hearts out of chests.
Evil plan: “The British in India will be slaughtered. Then we will overrun the Moslems. Then the Hebrew god will fall. Then the Christian god will be cast down and forgotten. Soon Kali Ma will rule the world.”
3. Hans Gruber (Die Hard)
Exceptional thief and fake terrorist.
Evil plan: To steal $640 million in bearer bonds from the vault at Nakatomi Plaza.
14. Bill (Kill Bill)
Master assassin, ladies man.
Evil plan: To get revenge on Beatrix Kiddo for breaking his heart.
5. Biff Tannen (Back to the Future)
Evil plan: Beat up Calvin Klein, sexually assault Lorraine Baines.
12. Thulsa Doom (Conan the Barbarian)
Leader of a snake cult, lover of flesh, sometimes snake.
Evil plan: Rule the lands with orgies and snakes.
4. Gremlins (Gremlins)
Evolved Mogwai who love to cause trouble… deadly trouble.
Evil plan: Terrorize Kingston Falls and multiply.
13. Judge Doom (Who Framed Roger Rabbit)
Inventor of Dip, capital punisher of Toons.
Evil plan: Erase Toontown and build a freeway over it.
5. Pinhead (Hellraiser)
Cenobite, extradimensional pain lover.
Evil plan: To practice some extreme sadomasochism on people.
12. The Tall Man (Phantasm)
Evil plan: Turn people into slave dwarves, I think.
4. The Thing (The Thing)
Evil plan: Assume the form of humans, kill humans, get to a populated area to assume the form of humans and kill them.
13. Pazuzu (The Exorcist)
Demon from Hell.
Evil plan: Possess a young girl, puke, curse.
6. Hannibal Lecter (The Silence of the Lambs)
Evil plan: To escape jail and help Clarice Starling a little bit.
11. Reverend Kane (Poltergeist II: The Other Side)
Evil reverend, then evil ghost. A.K.A. The Beast.
Evil plan: To bring Carol Anne to the other side and become a powerful demon.
3. Michael Myers (Halloween)
Murderous escaped lunatic, possibly immortal.
Evil plan: Kill his sister and some random people, might as well.
14. Silver Shamrock Company (Halloween III: Season of the Witch)
Evil manufacturer of masks.
Evil plan: To bring back the more evil, witchcrafty aspects of Halloween by killing everyone wearing the masks, mostly kids.
Voting ends on Monday! Be sure to come back tomorrow for the second part of the opening round!
Voted on all of them, dude!!!
You know what? You’re alllll right!
Great stuff!! My vote will be for Porky Wallace the whole way through!
It’s his tournament to lose.
Great tournament. Really fun stuff.
Compelling and rich. Thanks!
As much as I love Walken he was no match for Bruce!!
Awesome stuff here 😀
Christopher Walken was actually the first choice to play Bruce. Thanks!
This was the most fun blog post of all time. ALL TIME!
I voted in every single poll, and I loved the match ups! I think no star wars is a great rule, it made the matches much more even. I can’t wait to see the results!!! 🙂
Excellent! Glad you liked it so much. Don’t forget to come back later today for part 2!
I’ll be back.
(Imagine that I said that in an immaculate impersonation of the Terminator) lol.
This is a %$#@ing EPIC post!!! Amazing!! My votes are all in.
I LOVE this!!
Thanks! Irving Spiderman is monitoring all of the votes to make sure there is no tampering.
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