Shake the Scene: Never Too Young To Die

Never Too Young To Die (1986)



Why I Love This Scene: Brian and I recently watched this early ’80s action gem and boy were we surprised at how entertaining it was. Pure cheese! It stars teen heart-throb John Stamos and Prince protege Vanity as special agents trying to stop the diabolical VELVET VON RAGNAR, played by the scenery-eating Gene Simmons. You may be familiar with Simmons’ makeup-wearing persona when he’s Rock n’ Rolling All Nite (and Partying Every Day) with KISS, but in this flick he’s also wearing make-up as well as womens’ clothing, since he’s a hermaphrodite! Yes, you read that correctly: a hermaphrodite. Simmons plays a very over-the-top villain attempting to kill thousands of innocent people while wearing stiletto heels, lingerie and lipstick. He’s all man, but he’s also half woman. In this scene he uses his secret weapon… his insanely sharp fingernail. He’s actually strong enough to pierce through the rib cage of this hapless woman to kill her. He then yells to his dystopian group of Road Warrior-like minions to get him his arch-nemesis: STARGROVE, who is Stamos’ father played by I-really-need-the-dough-cause-those-On-Her-Majesty’s-Secret-Service-checks-stopped-coming/one-time-Bond, George Lazenby. If this opening scene doesn’t hook and reel you in, then we’ve failed each other.

Bonus scene: We are then treated to the opening credit theme song simply titled, “Stargrove,” which is easily the best movie theme song of the past 40 years. All the while, we are treated to some fine Stamos gymnastic training feats.
Bonus scene #2: Yes, you guys deserve to see three scenes of Never Too Young To Die. This scene highlights Simmons’ burlesque show skills. ‘Nuff said.


17 thoughts on “Shake the Scene: Never Too Young To Die

  1. I don’t know if we’re allowed to curse out here so:

    I curse you!!! That #*&!! &*^%% %$#@!@#ing song will be stuck in my head for three weeks!!!! Curses!!!


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