Death Spa (1989)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A soothing massage turns deadly for me every time I get so relaxed I accidentally urinate all over the massage table. 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Why wasn’t this called Hellth Spa?

• Death Spa: The Spa that Eats! 
• The actual spa is called Starbody Health Spa. STARGROVE!

• This is one of those weird proto gyms of the ’80s where there was one piece of equipment every 20 feet and they were each highlighted by an elaborate modern painting.
  
  
• Ken Foree! When there’s no more room in Hellth Spa…
  
  
• This girl has the flattest boobs ever. They look like eggs benedict but with pepperoni instead of ham. That actually sounds pretty good.
  
  
• Everyone is lifting weights that have about 2 pounds each on them.
  
  

  “Keep pumping and you’ll be able to lift your new kitten in no time!”

  
  
  

• Speaking of weightlifting, where’s the snatch and clean & jerk? 
  
  
• This is some high tech spa where a computer runs everything. That makes no sense. Shouldn’t legs run everything?
  
  
• This spa seems to be the size of a small town.
  
  
• Ok, a ghost loosens the bolts on a diving board, causing a woman who was about to dive in the pool to fall in the pool. Wow, great job. She went in the pool, like she was about to do anyway. What was the fucking point of that? And then everyone makes a big deal out of it. Maybe if she went backward and landed on the concrete that would be one thing, but she just fell in the water, completely unharmed.
  
  
• It’s Captain Kirk’s son! That guy’s career never went anywhere, huh? Oh, he died right after this? Oof. But still, not much work in between.
  
  
• Mmmm, Chelsea Field. I’ve been a fan of hers since “Masters” of the Universe.
  
  

  She’s now married to Scott Bakula, who is probably in this picture somewhere.

  
  
  

• Shower scene! This is like Death Porky’s.
  
  
• It’s always funny to see ’80s movies where the women are the horndogs. I’ve never met a woman like that in my life. But maybe that’s just how they react to me.
  
  
• Some dude is on a chest machine and the weight increases so much that it breaks his insides. It’s blamed on the computer increasing the weight. Again, this whole computer thing makes zero sense and lessens the coolness of the kill, just like real life.
  
  
• Hey dick-shaped asparagus.
  
  

  Sometimes an asparagus is just an asparagus unless it looks this much like a penis and is this very shot then it’s definitely a dick.

  
  
  

• There are about 700 people in this gym and they all know each other.
  
  
• Now Michael (owner of Death Spa) is talking to some kind of psychic about his dead ex-wife Katherine haunting the club and it’s boring and sucks and can we please get back to Death Spa deaths?
  
  
• Ooooookay, so Captain Kirk’s son is having an incestuous affair with his ghost sister? Why can’t this movie just be about an automated gym that goes haywire?
  
  
• So some girl gets lured to the basement, the sprinklers turn on, and then the ghost turns the sprinkler water to acid or something?
  
  
• Man this got boring fast. Much like actually going to the gym. More like Bored to Death Spa!
  
  
• Oh did I mention the girl who has bandages over both her eyes? I’m 62% sure she’s the eggs benedict one. And I’m 0.2% sure of her purpose. Although there’s only a 10% chance of that.
  
  
• Why were boiler rooms such a hotspot for ’80s horror settings? I guess steam is scary?
  
  
• An open leather jacket with no shirt. I’m going to singlehandedly bring that look back as spa is my witness.
  
  
• Now this has become about a hostile takeover at the Death Spa. Zzzzzzzz. I really just wanted it to be about people being killed by gym equipment. Why don’t I ever get what I want?
  
  
• So Captain Kirk’s son is now a transvestite psycho. Unique.
  
  
  
• This should be about a killer spa ghost OR a killer spa computer, but definitely not both, which it is.
  
  
• Some guy in the sauna just got a board through the brain? I don’t know how that would work either ghost or computer.
  
  
• Well now we’re getting into Exorcist territory. How many donkey-brained baboons wrote this screenplay?
  
  
• Well Laura’s eye bandages are off now with no explanation. The ghost tied her up in the tanning bed so now she’ll look like Donald Trump and be just as donkey-brained.
  
  
• This costume party (because everyone goes to a costume party at their gym) is supposedly taking place on February 2nd. A Groundhog Day costume party?
• Hand in a blender that isn’t plugged in to anything. Did the ghost do that? But she was preoccupied with the possession thing in another room. This movie about a Death Spa makes no sense.
  

• This costume party (because everyone goes to a costume party at their gym) is supposedly taking place on February 2nd. A Groundhog Day costume party?
• A mirror just exploded, which caused a lady standing in front of it to explode. I have no idea, but it was kind of cool.
  
  
• Everyone’s on fire. Michael defeats Katherine by putting electricity through his shoe. Then a cop shoots her in the face. Then her eyeball explodes. Then she’s still sort of alive. But I am not.

Scare Level: If the thought of going to the gym sends chills up your spine then you should stay far away from this movie because it’s kind of about a gym and it sucks.

Gore Level: A good amount, much like an old man who gets his fandangler caught in a treadmill.

Nudity Level: A gratuitous shower scene, and some tannings and saunaings in the buff.

Best Line: “I’m Beta, you’re VHS.” BURN! …uhhh, on yourself??

Best Scene: I guess the end when all hellth is breaking loose and the spa is on fire and people are exploding and all manner of things.

Worst Scene: The whole subplot of Michael’s lawyer trying to screw him out of the Death Spa was totally unnecessary because of the 19 other unnecessary subplots going on.

Overall: What a waste of potential. It’s like they couldn’t decide whether the movie should be about a computer-run spa that goes nuts, or a vengeful ghost haunting a spa, so they decided, “Fuck it, let’s just do both” and the results are as disastrous as that time I tried to deadlift 10 pounds. Plus, Ken Foree is barely in it! If he were the lead character and had to use every weapon in his arsenal to fight a computer that caused all the gym equipment to go nuts (and hey, maybe there were robot trainers that also go nuts and he has to fight them too!) then it would have been the pepperoni tits. But as it stands, it has some cool moments but is just an incoherent mess, much like my lower body.

Score: 4 Possessed Transvestite Computer Hacking Ghost Gym Members (out of 10)