Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: A documentary crew went into in the Amazon to film a documentary. A year later, their footage was found. They were all eaten – go figure

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Un film di Ruggero Deodato = strap the fuck in.
• I don’t know if it was done on purpose or not, but Riz Ortolani’s score (beautiful though it is) either does not match at all; or so brilliantly does that it makes you think it doesn’t. That was a run-on thought, Christ.
• Frank Langella’s Dracula gets some free publicity with that tracking shot.
• When the TV announcer was reading the names of the ill-fated documentary crew, I was hoping he would end with, “They were bad people who went surprisingly well with apple sauce.”
• Just over five minutes in and we see some tribe members eating somebody. Told ya, Ruggerio goes for the throat.
• One of the marines gets a blowgun dart to the arm and dies almost instantly. If only he spoke Hovitos.
• All that’s left of Faye is her frickin’ cigarette lighter? You aren’t turning back now why exactly?
• Gordie Lachance didn’t scream this much when he got leeches on him, and they were attached to his balls for the love of whatever.
• I hope the spider monkeys, parrots, and cheetahs are all getting residuals from this film.
• Huh, I was wondering how long it would take for someone to puke in this movie.
• The primitive punishment for adultery against women in this tribe is, well, pretty fucking primitive. I’m not one to judge other cultures, but that giant stone dildo could have been left home.
  

  Do you think now’s the time to tell the waiter I had a dirty fork?

• Why did Miguel have to get naked to return the prisoner they took back to his tribe?
• If these cannibals keep killing off and eating all of these women, how do they plan on keeping their tribe going?
• No matter how primitive a human being can be, the girls always know where to wash you when you take a bath in the river with them.
• That is one helluva tree fort.
• I wonder what this tribe’s grilling secret is. Dry rub or wet baste? Because this guy is falling right off the bone.
• You can definitely tell how this movie is the godfather of all found-footage films. The pacing, the mix of footage to present-day scenes have all been copied to death at this point.
• Since their arrival, the crew have already killed a tortoise, a tarantula, a snake, and a pig. What the fuck ever happened to leaving only footprints?
• OK, it’s obvious now that they are portraying the missing crew as the villains and the true savages, who got what they deserved. After a snake bite, they cut off their guide’s leg and he dies anyway – but they had to make sure they got it on film.
• Alan torches the village saying that it’s beautiful to watch. How long do you think it’ll be before he becomes hors d’oeuvre?
  

  That’s the way the cannibal laughs, they probably ate Manny – let’s do the whole village.

• This scene with Alan and Faye having sex in front of the tribe is not only odd, it shows that destruction and killing make Alan harder than Chinese algebra.
• Only in a Deodato movie can the hero be the same guy who was in Debbie Does Dallas.
• I really hate Alan and am considering eviscerating him myself.
• OK, now these pricks are taking turns raping a young native girl on film. I’ll fire up the BBQ myself at this point.
• Actually, if you think about it – it was completely the right idea for the film crew to be hated. If they were innocent and sympathetic, the movie wouldn’t have worked at all.
• Whoa Nelly! The first thing the tribe cuts off of Jack is his dick. There goes one less asshole groping girls during happy hour.
• The tribe is really enjoying dancing around with Jack’s guts.
• You feel a little more sorry for Faye when she gets ripped apart. She was after all the somewhat voice of reason out of all of them, and she did try to stop the gang rape. Nevertheless, she became the second course.
• We don’t get to see Alan’s demise, just his bloody face as the film runs out. It reminded me very much of the last shot in Blair Witch when Heather gets killed and the camera falls to the ground. Or does that shot remind me of this one? You know what I mean.
  

  I hate it when I get something stuck in a back molar, but for fuck’s sake!

Scare Level: It’s disturbing, not scary.

Gore Level: I’d say around a metric fuck-ton.

Nudity Level: More than you would think for a cannibal movie, but then again you don’t expect them to eat the clothes too. Faye thankfully has no problem walking around au natural.

Best Line: “…and yet man seems to ignore the fact that on this very planet there are still people living in the stone age and practicing cannibalism.” And that’s just the Trump supporters. Bah-zing!

Best Scene: Watching the real savages, that is the film crew, get their oh so truly deserved comeuppance.

Worst Scene: When the asshole film crew slaughter and eat a tortoise just so they can film it. Thanks to those pricks, the poor thing will never become a teenager or a ninja.

Overall: The often-cited inspiration to The Blair Witch Project does not hold back on the gore or the shocks. You fellow horror movie buffs know the history of this film inside out I’m sure, but for those not in the know; this movie was confiscated and the director arrested ten days after its premiere. No such thing as bad press jokes aside, you know you’ve hit a nerve when you’re arrested because everyone thought you killed all of your actors.

Score: 6 Destroyed Cannibal Documentaries (out of 10)