Cannibal Ferox (1981)
What’s It About: Cannibals eating people. Duh.
Here are some of my observations as I dined:
- Another of many more cannibal flicks – here we go.
- Is this a cannibal movie or an Italian remake of Saturday Night Fever?
- Hey! It’s 30 Rock! I hope Judah Friedlander gets eaten alive.
- After being called a shitface and a motherfucker, is being slapped in the face by mobsters really necessary?
- Robert Kerman is in this. Go figure.
- Now that we’re in the Amazon, was the whole NYC opening needed?
- Hearing fluent Spanish inside a dubbed Italian movie rips a hole in space-time.
- Has anyone said “twat” in a movie since this one?
- We’re gonna see Pat naked a lot. Just a feeling.
- Gloria thinks cannibalism doesn’t exist. She obviously hasn’t seen Cannibal Holocaust yet.
- At 10:54, we have our movie title!
- The boat captain who eats a blue bird alludes greatly to The Rime Of The Ancient Mariner.
- Those “god-damn jaywalking iguanas” should probably be the least of everyone’s concern I would think.
- Stuck in the mud twice, a prophetic coin toss – and these three assholes are still going forth.
- This one native has literally gone down to the garden to eat worms.
- As gross as this movie will eventually be, I doubt anything can top the close-up of this native’s open mouth while he chomps the worms.
- Law of the jungle aside, did we really need to see this anaconda kill a coati?
- Finally the repeatedly aforementioned Mike shows up.
- Mike won’t take a slug of whiskey, but he’ll Tony Montoya the local coke without hesitation.
- Emeralds and cocaine – the ingredients to any healthy cannibal movie.
- Twat said again.
- You know what? Fuck Mike.
- Pat is quite the whore. Not judging, just stating.
- Rudy’s machete would make Jason blush.
- A cheetah just took out another coati. Those poor fuckers.
- Mike is truly becoming the hero of this picture, the way he slaughtered that defenseless baby pig was incredible.
- Twat said again.
- Looks like Joe is gonna go out the easiest with blood poisoning.
- Twat said again. Mike really needs to learn more vaginal colloquialisms.
- In a scene shot purely to even the score for the circle of life, an iguana totally fucks up an anaconda. Clearly a hit-man hired by the coati.
- Took longer than I thought, but Pat finally gets naked. A welcome refresher after all of this animal on animal violence.
- After they have sex, Mike describes Pat as a “hot-pussy little whore.” Well, at least she’s not a twat.
- Mike and Pat ambush a couple of villagers who capture a tortoise, Mike then tries to goad Pat into killing the female half of the couple due to her being a virgin. Pat refuses and runs off, after which Mike shoots the girl anyway. What a twat.
- Who knew a tortoise had that much meat on it.
- Christ on toast, backstory and flashbacks? Now?
- Gee, who would’ve guessed that this whole fucking movie was Mike’s fault.
- There’s the eyeball violence I’ve been talking about! Viva l’Italia.
- I trust Mike’s death will be coming post haste.
- Rudy sums up the entire cannibal genre by saying, “spilled milk is spilled milk.” When you think about it after watching as many as I have, he’s pretty much right.
- We’re back in NYC again, did Kerman really need this much screen time?
- Joe finally succumbs to his blood poisoning, but thanks to his flashbacks he goes out somewhat sympathetic.
- Rotten papayas apparently mean a curse – you learn something everyday.
- Some of the tribe take Joe’s body, cut him open and eat his vital organs. He died of blood poisoning! Haven’t these people learned about food chain?
- Mike is finally taken into custody, has his pants ripped down and with the flash of a blade, another schwantz bites the dust.
- Funny how they use Gloria’s VO of how cannibalism doesn’t exist while she watching Mike’s dick get eaten like a jalapeno popper.
- Back in NYC yet again, Kerman didn’t get this much character development in Debbie Does Dallas.
- The tribe is now transporting the last 4 prisoners to another location, yet Mike looks absolutely fine for a guy who just got his dick cut off and then cauterized. Must have been the local cocaine.
- Oh Rudy, you never jump into an Amazonian river with an open leg wound. Didn’t you see that Joe Dante movie back in ’78?
- Pat and Gloria’s singing is actually making this creepier.
- Mike doesn’t even bother to help Gloria and Pat escape, he just cuts the rope to their freedom. Fucking twat.
- Can this just end already?
- Oooof! Mike just got Jaime Lannister/Luke Skywalker’d.
- One hand, no dick, and Mike is still breathing our air.
- There’s a shortage of perfect breasts in this world, would be a pity to damage Pat’s.
- Never mind, Pat gets strung up by the tits like Richard Harris in A Man Called Horse. Ouch.
- Mike is finally dispatched and his brain eaten. Now the villagers are all gonna call each other twats. Once again – food chain!
- Gloria is rescued by a tribe member who helps her escape into the jungle only to be killed by a booby trap. You would’ve thought he would know where they were.
- Gloria is then rescued from savages by criminal poachers. Poetic in its own way.
- Here at the end, and after all of the shit she went through; Gloria is awarded a doctorate in anthropology, and in her thesis she says that cannibalism still doesn’t exist. So, that makes her Dr. Twat right?
Is It Actually Palatable: Uh, no – not in the slightest. Even for a cannibal movie this wasn’t good, terrible acting with a terrible script.
Scariest Entree: As I said last year, these types of movies are not scary – they rely solely on the gross out.
Most Nauseating Moment: Not the first won’t be the last – any of the animal torture scenes. Like in most Italian horror movies you’re gonna see some sort of eyeball trauma, and with these cannibal movies some spider, pig, coati, snake, or turtle is gonna get fucked up.
WTF Was The Cook Thinking: The set up and cutaways to NYC were stupid and unnecessary. Yes it’s a cannibal movie, and yes that means Robert Kerman has to be in it – but it all could have been summarized in a flashback when everyone puts all the pieces together near the end.
Is It Raw and Bloody: Seriously? It’s Cannibal Ferox. Yes.
Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Thanks to Pat yes, the rest is just like looking at an old issue of National Geographic.
Most Delectable Line: “What a hole Rudy!” If there were a hyphen involved, that quote would have been a whole lot funnier. You see that? A spoken and written pun in one shot. You’re welcome.
Most Delicious Scene: Finally getting to see the piece of shit Mike get what’s coming to him. Even after he gets the John Wayne Bobbitt special, you still want more – which is why I think he was kept alive to have the top of his head sliced off and his brain eaten like free shrimp at a Red Lobster.
Most Flavorless Scene: There is one scene with some tribesmen killing an alligator for no reason whatsoever. It was not integral to the plot at all and it is beyond obvious that it was thrown in just for more animal gore.
Overall: I understand and appreciate cannibal movies within the pantheon of horror; that being said, even if you binge-watch every season of 24 you’re gonna eventually get sick of Keifer Sutherland. This is my 2nd of eight cannibal movies for Schlocktoberfest, so I’m sure some of the jokes will be somewhat repetitive. Pretty much like this genre.
Gulp Rating: 1 mere peasant in Cannibal Holocaust’s kingdom (out of 5)