Mountain of the Cannibal God (1978)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Some more people get lost in the jungle with cannibals hot on their trail, the difference this time is that Ursula Andress is in it.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• Starring Ursula Andress and Stacy Keach! Finally, a classic hottie with a damn good actor. This should be a completely different cannibal movie experience right?
• Fucking snakes and crocodiles already. We’re not even out of the opening titles yet.
• The music to this movie is copyrighted to someone or something named, “Clitumno.” I’ll let that one go.
• The freeze frame explaining that primitives still exist in the modern world was unnecessary and too long. I thought my VLC player froze.
• Jesus Habanero, Ursula was hot wasn’t she?
• It’s always an expedition gone wrong that starts off these movies.
• Why is there such a dramatic breeze in this guy’s office?
• Seeing Stacy Keach with hair is still odd.
• He will always be Sergeant Stedenko to me.
• Ursula’s brother looks and sounds like he is a leftover from Operation Paperclip.
• Keach tells the helicopter pilot that drops them off in the jungle to not tell anyone where they are. They’re fucked.
• Keach was wrong about being bit by a tarantula. You don’t get a fever that lasts three days resulting in death; most humans are in fact immune to their venom.

• Another iguana slaughtered alive. Are these things as abundant as cows?
• I am so sick of iguana guts.
• Is it only in the jungle where bats cruise in broad daylight?
• Leave it to the nazi to screw up the party.
• OK, we’re at the beach, can Ursula get naked now?
• Is this a really bad composite shot, or a really beautiful island?
• Why would anyone in their right mind touch any sort of remains of a leper?
• This monkey getting killed by an anaconda/boa constrictor – whatever, is the second time I’ve seen it. Fucking enough already.
• Alright at least it’s raining now and Ursula isn’t wearing a bra.
• I actually thought that this crocodile attack was going to be piranhas.
• Shit, I’m only 1/3 through this movie.
• That Predator-esque tree trap was pretty sweet.
• How the hell did the production set up such a smooth dolly shot in this jungle?
• Hooray! A beheading!
• Alright you primitive screw heads listen up, that’s the goddess Aphrodite you’re chasing through the woods here.
• There is always a Mission to seek refuge in that has a very cute native girl amongst its inhabitants.
• Ra Ra Me translates to Mountain Of The Cannibal God – I use that phrase to cheer myself on.
• That was a shit load of expository without one flashback.
• Finally, Ursula’s tits! Rah, rah, me!
• This tribal dance looks more like a 2 Live Crew concert.
  

  No caption needed.

• Don’t drink out of the gourds, all the chicks are spitting in them.
• A shame the cute native girl went for the nazi.
• Shit, whatever was in those gourds sure as hell worked. Who knew you could get that drunk and horny off of native women saliva?
• Oh dear, the priest of this Mission is pissed off at Keach, this can’t be good.
• That was a quick banishment, no one even argued.
• As our heroes paddle down the river, we are treated to another iguana death by croc, and the same fucking scene of an iguana puking up a snake from the other movie. Mother o’ Christ.
• Would this nazi just get fucking eaten already – nobody likes him, myself included.
• For being in the middle of a remote jungle, everyone’s hair dries really nice.
• Even after he saves his life, the nazi lets Keach fall to his death off of the waterfall. My guess is that he’s being saved for a gloriously gory kill later on. Just a hunch.
• This movie drags more than RuPaul.
• Even the snakes drool while watching Ursula walk by.
• Gee, Ursula and her nazi brother were only in this expedition to find a uranium mine. Did you think their motives were altruistic? I didn’t.
  

  Even Andress couldn’t believe they cast Harry Hamlin as Perseus, and she married him for chrissakes.

• Yes! The nazi gets a spear right in his gut.
• I trust now there will be cannibals on this mountain?
• In order to differentiate this tribe from all of the others portrayed in previous cannibal movies – this one has a pygmy.
• The cannibal tribe worships Ursula’s decaying husband as a god, because the still ticking Geiger counter in his chest is misinterpreted as his still beating heart. I’ve really had enough.
• Oh please let this be nazi-cooking prep.
• Yup, he’s finally disemboweled. Too bad he was dead already.
• Ursula is stripped naked and covered in orange frosting. All good things to those who wait.
• Who knew that one asshole nazi could feed a tribe of at least 30.
• Damn! This shot of a tribal woman masturbating is pretty hardcore. A reward for getting this far through the movie I would think.
• Could have gone the rest of my life without seeing this guy fuck a pig though.
• Since there is no way I could only write one joke about this scene – the pig is eating some greenery, and couldn’t care less about the guy pumping away on his back bacon.
• Some young upstart tries to rape Ursula and promptly gets his dick cut off. Another staple for the genre checked off of the list.
• Manolo kicks the annoying pygmy in the breadbasket right into a rock, and we get to see his little exposed brain twitch as he dies. You take your hooray moments wherever you can in Schlocktoberfest.
• I’m tired of writing about this movie. Manolo then cuts himself free, rescues Ursula, and they escape the tribe by swimming down a river – The End.
  

  How did a primitive tribe of cannibals get their hands on McQuarrie’s early Stormtrooper sketches?

Is It Actually Palatable: Nope.

Scariest Entree: Seeing cannibals eating snakes out of that green slop bowl again wasn’t the greatest moment of Schlock 8. Did the editors of these movies trade scenes like baseball cards?

Most Nauseating Moment: Watching the pygmy smash a dead lizard into Manolo’s mouth in a lame attempt at force-feeding.

WTF Was The Cook Thinking: The continuous copying of the same fucking animal death scenes once again makes you wonder, why use different editors at this point?

Is It Raw and Bloody: As far as most of the Italian cannibal movies go, this one was pretty bush league.

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: Ursula is topless twice – then fully nude, and a native girl strips down to show us quite explicitly, how bean flicking is done in the jungle.

Most Delectable Line: “That’s right! You never forget the taste of human flesh!”  I can empathize with Keach – I can almost taste it myself at this point.

Most Delicious Scene: Seeing Andress being smothered in what looks like melted circus peanuts by two topless native girls.

Most Flavorless Scene: I’m only speaking to half the population here, but as a guy you can’t take this many castration scenes. After the second or third, you find yourself looking in your lap and telling the boys how much you truly love them; and promise that the Caribbean vacation you’ve both been putting off is happening very soon.

Overall: Usually these cannibal flicks have gore, shock, and nudity spread throughout the whole thing to keep you somewhat interested. This one doesn’t do a goddamn thing until the last 40 minutes. This is thankfully the last of my old school Italian cannibal movies, so at least I won’t have to see the same fucking scenes used over and over anymore. However, I am dreading to see what Eli Roth is gonna do with the genre.

Gulp Rating: 2 wasted uses of Stacy Keach (out of 5)