Microwave Massacre (1983)

Trailer (be warned, there’s a lot of nudity in this):

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s on the Menu: A husband is disgruntled about his wife’s horrible cooking so he delivers horrible one-liners for an hour and a half.

Here are some of my observations as I dined:

• Well right off the bat there’s a mummified head in a microwave then a giant pair of boobs bouncing down the street. So far so good. I’m pretty sure the bra was invented before the microwave but I’ll have to do more research.
• Somehow this girl gets her tits stuck in a construction wall peephole. And they look bruised, which is not a great look. They were better covered.
• This microwave is the size of the bay window in my house. Maybe my dog will lay in it, too.
• Now we’re in a bar talking about hemorrhoids. Well it was boob while it lasted.
• So far this is like an episode of The Honeymooners that never aired because it was too stupid. A husband (Donald) and wife (May) hate each other and she cooks lousy meals in the microwave. I guess Alice didn’t have a microwave, but Ralph did want to kill her.
  
  

  “One of these days, Alice! Stab! Slice! To the morgue!”

• Why is there a giant bowl of oil in the middle of their dining table? Maybe it was the style back then.
• These jokes are even worse than mine, if that’s possible, and it’s not.
• Donald (played by Jackie Vernon, who is the poor man’s Jackie Mason, who is the poor man’s Rodney Dangerfield, who is the poor man’s Gallagher) decides to bring a dog food sandwich to the construction site the next day. I get it’s supposed to be a joke about his wife’s cooking, but why can’t he just go buy a sandwich? Or get some cold cuts and slap them between some bread? He complained that he longed for a good bologna and cheese sandwich, but how hard is that to make?
  
• The girl with the boobs returns to the construction site, for some reason. She’s fascinated. And it all seems to exist just to make jokes about dicks and skyscrapers.
• I’m simultaneously like, “Only 20 minutes have gone by?” and “I can’t believe this shit has gone on for 20 whole minutes already.”
• I don’t care for the genre myself, but if you’re a fan of schlocky horror, Amazon Prime Video has really upped their selection. Really blows Netflix away in that department. Netflix is absolute garbage with their horror selection. Most of it is the exact same horror movie that’s been made 300 times since 2012. Plus this movie is dogshit smeared in a petri dish but the transfer looks amazing.
• Well after he comes home drunk and trashes his own living room, Donald finally kills his wife. This still isn’t going to help him get food, which apparently he’s incapable of getting himself. I’m no Gordon Ramsay but even I can make a sandwich. Kind of. Not well.
  
• Donald wakes up the next morning and his wife May’s full body is in the microwave. The microwave is literally the size of a refrigerator. He cooks her on slow broil. I suggest 20 minutes at 80% power. I mean, I wouldn’t know…
• Every single line of dialogue in this movie is some hackey quip and it’s incredibly grating. Like parmesan cheese on a human thigh bolognese.
• These might be the shortest notes in Schlocktoberfest history because nothing of note happens. You’re welcome.
• This sort of reminds me of Bordello of Blood in that it’s nothing but horrific one-liners, but Jackie Vernon is a thousand times funnier than Dennis Miller, and Jackie Vernon isn’t funny at all. It’s also like Elvira, Mistress of the Dark, which was all boob quips. But Elvira is funnier than Jackie Vernon. So it goes Elvira > Jackie Vernon > Everyone else > Dennis Miller.
• Donald brings home a hooker. I bet he eats her, and doesn’t pay for it.
• Besides May being in it before, this movie has fuck all to do with the microwave. I guess Donald’s using it offscreen to cook everyone, but he’s not massacring anyone with the microwave, so the title is flawed. Thankfully, the rest of the movie is flawless.
• Oh shit, I just read that Jackie Vernon voiced Frosty the Snowman in that awful cartoon. I thought he sounded familiar.
  
• A bum finds a hand in Donald’s garbage and scratches his balls with it.
• Why does Donald wear the exact same shirt every day that looks like it was just taken out of the package?
• By the way, Donald has a perverted neighbor woman who do things like pee on the garden in front of her house. It has no purpose and is just mystifying. So actually it fits right in with everything else.
• Donald takes home a girl in a chicken suit and plucks her feathers. This movie is a fucking grind.
• DONALD SHUT THE FUCK UP.
• May’s sister comes over and Donald knocks her out by putting some bread in her mouth for a few minutes.
• At first Jackie Vernon seemed to be an ok sad sack, but he delivers every single line exactly the same and it really eats away at you.
  
  

  “May, you always told me to get ahead in life…” That’s not actually what he says (I don’t think), I just made that up in two seconds, but it’s an entire movie of that.

• I’m going to stuff myself in the microwave if this goes on much longer.
• Please I just want this to stop. I’ll do anything.
• So Donald is prepping an Asian woman for his two construction buddies and they come over and find him dead on the kitchen floor, implying that the microwave blew his pacemaker. Probably something that could have been shown. This ain’t No Country for Old Men, motherfucker.
• Then the last scene shows the sister still tied up in the closet and May’s head in the garage fridge has glowing eyes for no reason at all. But it makes the movie end, so it’s the greatest ending I’ve ever seen.

Is It Actually Palatable: About as palatable as overcooking a plain chicken breast in the microwave then eating it with no seasoning.

Scariest Entree: This is a comedy. These are all comedies.

Is It Raw and Bloody: Sort of. There are a couple of scenes with blood spurting when Donald cuts up his victims, but nothing splatters in the microwave. 

Any Mouth-Watering Nudity: More boobs than I was expecting, which was no boobs. There had to be at least 9 boobs in it.

Most Delectable Line: “I’m so hungry I could eat a whore.” – Donald right before he chops up the hooker

Most Delicious Scene: It all droops downhill from the opening credits.

Most Flavorless Scene: That’s like asking me which leaf on the tree in my front yard do I not care for the most, so I’ll have to go with something I could find a clip of. The movie has a couple of dumb skits like this but this one is painfully unfunny, like the others.

Overall: You know when you put a bag of popcorn in the microwave and push the “Popcorn” button but it cooks the popcorn too long and all the popcorn burns and catches fire and the microwave explodes and sends shards of glass into your face and then your entire house burns down and you’re left blind, burned, and homeless? That’s what watching Microwave Massacre is like. Unless you just can’t get enough of sitting and staring at your TV while no emotion goes through your mind whatsoever, you can avoid it. Just nuke a Hungry Man and watch All In the Family. The only interesting thing about this movie is that according to IMDb Rodney Dangerfield was approached to play Donald but he wanted too much money. Good call, but my god this movie would have gone from tortuous to amazing. 

Score: 1 Boob Stuck In a Fence (out of 10)