Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood (1996)
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- This movie has “Bordello” in the title, so we’ll surely see naked boobies, and possibly Dennis Miller’s nuts.
- Any movie that starts out with a dwarf Indiana Jones is ok in my book.
- Mummified boobs!
- It’s the same key from Demon Knight!
- William Sadler as a mummy!
- Crypt Keeper looks a lot like Michael Jackson.
- And speaking of boys Michael Jackson molested: Corey Feldman.
- All the guys in Feldman’s crew have huge nose studs. That’s so super cool, man.
- The story was by Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis??!
- These vampires is hookahs!
- “How would you like to take the skin express to Tuna Town?” Classy.
- Three nipples, three nipple rings.
- So Lilith kills the johns by sticking her tongue down their throats then pushing their hearts out. That’s what women will do to you, son…
- It’s Dennis Miller ad lib hour!
- I don’t understand why Chris Sarandon wasn’t a bigger star.
- Suede jackets: very inconvenient.
- Creepy old man mortician playing with dead fat woman nipples. Highlight of the picture so far.
- Not a ton happens in this movie besides Dennis Miller being snarky.
- This bordello party is actually pretty homoerotic.
- There is a bodacious amount of boobies in this to hold your interest.
- There’s boobies in this movie when you least expect them!
- It’s like this movie could be good, but it just never kicks it into the next gear.
- You know, this movie really slowed down when Corey Feldman’s character disappeared in the beginning. Fortunately he comes back as a vampire!
- Totally random Whoopi Goldberg cameo. Oh my god, if she starred in this movie instead of Dennis Miller it would be so awesome.
- Apparently Dennis Miller is stronger than these vampires.
- Vampire whores, Super Soakers filled with holy water, vampires exploding or burning, it seems like this movie ripped off From Dusk Till Dawn pretty liberally.
- Finally some action with 15 minutes left. There’s even some boobies involved.
- Pretty decent twist ending where Dennis Miller dies!! Spoiler?
Is It Actually Scary: Not unless you’re afraid of Dennis Miller, which you have every right to be.
How Much Gore: Blood sucking, blood chucking, blood fu…
Best Scene: Pretty much the only real action sequence in the movie, Dennis Miller and Prince Humperdinck wet some t-shirts! (WARNING: Naked Boobs!):
Worst Scene: That time Dennis Miller opened his mouth.
Any Nudity: So many boobies that you almost forget about Dennis Miller… almost…
Overall: If you’re a huge Dennis Miller fan, then you’ll love this movie. If you find Dennis Miller pretty intolerable, like most people do, then you won’t really want to waste your time, even if you’re a huge naked boobies fan (I mean a huge fan of naked boobies, not a fan of huge naked boobies… but that too). Honestly, nothing really goes on in this movie and there’s not much of a plot, it really just seems to be a vehicle for Dennis Miller to deliver mediocre sarcasm. And I can do that myself, you undead noodle dicks. If that role was recast (with, say, William Sadler) and they focused more on vampires than Catskills jokes, then maybe this would be worth watching. And aside from Miller, Erika Eleniak is a lousy actress who bafflingly plays the straight-laced Christian girl and doesn’t even show a hint of boob. Angie Everhart is gorgeous, but nobody’s confusing her with Meryl Streep. Corey Feldman is a novelty who thinks he’s the coolest guy in the universe because he’s a huge douche. But Chris Sarandon is good, as always. I can’t believe Bob Gale and Robert Zemeckis came up with the story for this. But their contribution was probably just “vampire whorehouse.” Which would be a good name for a goth band. It’s too bad that this movie bombed so hard it killed the Tales from the Crypt movie franchise, especially since Demon Knight showed so much promise. But that’s what happens when you try to make Dennis Miller a star. Maybe they’ll remake this with Dane Cook.
Score: 4 smarmy smirky smarks (out of 10)