Sadly, Schlocktoberfest III: The Search for Schlock has come to a close, like so many doors that stood in Shakma’s way. Once again, we shattered our monthly views record like Things shattered Brad’s will to live. So thank you all so much for coming by every day and supporting us. And special thanks to Death Bed, filling in for the 30-days sober R.O.T.O.R.! Let’s recap!
In order from best to worst score:
- KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park (10)
- WNUF Halloween Special (9)
- The Monster Squad (9)
- Shakma (8)
- Monkey Shines (8)
- Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil (8)
- Tentacles (8)
- Thinner (8)
- Happy Birthday to Me (7.5)
- Tales from the Crypt: Demon Knight (7.5)
- Piranha (7)
- Let’s Scare Jessica to Death (7)
- Bloody Birthday (7)
- Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (6)
- Children of the Corn (6)
- Prom Night (6)
- The Prowler (5.5)
- Galaxy of Terror (4.5)
- Screamtime (4)
- Tales from the Crypt: Bordello of Blood (4)
- Great White (4)
- Terror Train (3.5)
- God Told Me To (3)
- Poltergeist III (3)
- C.H.U.D. (2.5)
- The Keep (2)
- Jaws: The Revenge (2)
- The Legacy (2)
- Barracuda (1.5)
- Blackenstein (1)
- Zombie Lake (1)
- Things (0.2)
Despite giving out five 8s, two 9s and a 10, this was our lowest-rated Schlocktoberfest to date!
You may have noticed that we altered our review approach with the observational bullet list this year as opposed to a standard and boring paragraph review format. We did that to make the reviews easier to read and to make our movie-watching note-taking easier as well. We hope it was quicker and more casual reads for everyone. In some cases I think it was actually funnier to read just the reaction to a particular scene without the whole context. We are constantly trying to improve the reviews, as well as make them more entertaining to you, fine folks out there, and you may even see a different new format next year as we have even more dandy ideas.
Personally my crop of horror flicks this year was disappointing. They ran the gamut from so bland and mediocre to downright terrible. I was actually doubting my reviews’ worth at least in entertainment and comedy value because the movies I watched were so shitty. But mid-way through I picked some decent ones like Monkey Shines, Great White and Prom Night and then I felt good. And then I watched Things.
Most Pleasant Surprise: I’d have to go with Monkey Shines. I always knew about the film since it premiered and never gave it a chance until now. I didn’t expect it to be as well made as it was as well as entertaining with such a small villain as Ella the capuchin monkey.
Most Disappointing: I’m not even going to count Things since I really had no hope for it in the first place. Rather I’d pick two for a tie: The Legacy and Let’s Scare Jessica to Death. The Legacy had a lot of decent aspects going for it on paper, Sam Elliott and Katharine Ross, creepy old English mansion, possibly ghost story with satanic implications and it failed to deliver on all counts! It was such a lousy dud. The Keep was bad but it was also so fantastical and out-of-this-world that I at least will remember some things about it. The Legacy is not worth a modicum of memory space in my brain. Let’s Scare Jessica to Death should’ve really creeped me out with the creepy atmosphere and ghost story and insanity subplot but sadly it too was a dud overall.
Favorite Villain: My villain choices are very weak and sparse to tell you the truth. But I guess Ella is up there as well as the return of Angela from Sleepaway Camp II. Homage must also be made for gypsy Tadzu Lempke from Thinner.
Best Kill: Ella being bitten in the neck by quadriplegic Allan and then thrashed violently back and forth a dozen times until she died. I’ve never seen such cruelty in a movie to a small animal. Honorable mention goes to Angela throwing battery acid in a counselor’s face.
Worst Kill: The light gnawing that blatantly didn’t tear any flesh on the victim’s neck in Zombie Lake. Actually all the kills in Zombie Lake were fucking horrible.
Wish I Could Erase From My Memory: I’ve ripped on Things so much in my review that I’m afraid I’ll never let that movie be forgotten. But seriously, if you do watch it A. Don’t blame me because I gave you fair enough warning and B. The national suicide hotline is: 1-800-273-8255.
Remember last year when I was adamant about watching and writing the majority of these well ahead of time so we wouldn’t have to scramble to do them when Schlocktoberfest III came around? Well, I didn’t do that, again. But I did manage to see seven of them in September, so I was pretty well ahead and didn’t have to write these things late at night at the last minute like I did last year, so it was less stressful and saved my marriage! I don’t know, I just don’t feel right about doing Schlocktoberfest entries unless it’s around Halloween season, you know? Anyway, I had a blast this year, watched some good stuff, some disappointing stuff, and some stuff that would make a goat throw up if he ate it. I hope you enjoyed it as much as I enjoy Abita Fall Fest lager. Thank you all for reading and your great feedback. Now I’ll work way ahead for next year!
Least Pleasant Surprise: Barracuda – Absolutely awful. Boring, dull, tedious, uninteresting, mundane, humdrum, and any other adjective you want to assign to it. I went in expecting a low-rent Jaws ripoff and got a few barracuda attacks in a movie about diabetes medication. At least the ending was satisfying.
Most Disappointing Movie: C.H.U.D. – I thought this would be a fun gorefest about scary sewer creatures, instead it was almost as bad as Barracuda, barely showing the titular monsters and instead endlessly talking about the homeless instead of diabetes. Close runner-up: Blackenstein (The Black Frankenstein), which was laborious but I knew it was going to be pretty bad, just not that bad.
Favorite Villain: Was there ever any doubt? SHAKMA! The most adorable, door-hating killer baboon ever. Runners-up: Malcomb from Blackenstein; The Collector (Billy Zane) from Demon Knight; Curtis from Bloody Birthday; and Dracula from The Monster Squad.
Best Kill: You can’t beat a good shish kebab.
Close runner-up: The wood chipper scene from Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil.
Worst Kill: Without a doubt, Isaac’s death scene in Children of the Corn, possibly the worst special effect I’ve ever seen.
Least Favorite Character: Hands down Jeff from The Video Dead. Yeah that was two years ago but I still hate him. But for this year, I’d have to go with Dennis Miller as Dennis Miller from Dennis Miller Presents: Bordello of Blood Starring Dennis Miller.
Worst Achievement in Special Effects: Even though the budgets of the films I watched ranged from modest to whatever spare change was in the director’s begging cup at the time, I have to go with basically any scene involving the shark from Jaws: The Revenge, and the horrid artificial backdrop at the end in particular.
Extremely close-runner up: See “Worst Kill” above. But Jaws edges it out because there was no excuse for the shark to look that bad.
Hottest Horror Honey: Katrina Bowden from Tucker & Dale Vs. Evil.
Thanks for reading, everyone! See you next year for Schlocktoberfest IV: Schlockma’s Revenge!