Piranha 2: The Spawning (1982)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Killer piranha. Like the first Piranha movie. Except they fly now.

This was a left-over entry from Shlocktoberfest III: Sea Creature Feature Week

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Not a good sign when the film opens with a fella making lames excuses about his erectile dysfunction. It’s most likely a metaphor for how limp this flick will be.

• Underwater sex scene!!

• Wait, so this couple trying to get bizzay is attempting to go scuba diving to fuck underwater but she wanted him hard before they even got the equipment on?

• The sequel also has that awful bee-buzzing sound of the piranhas attacking.

• Now that guy has piranha eating his limp dick. So humiliating.

• “And Lance Hendricksen as Steve“ When the character is such a simple name like Steve, why bother with giving the actor the “as“ subtitle in the credits?

• Directed by some fella named James Cameron.

• A little backstory here, allegedly James Cameron (yes, the infamous underwater documentary filmmaker who made Ghosts of the Abyss and Aliens of the Deep as well as some other meager sci-fi schlock) was fired from this Italian produced cheesefest two-and-half weeks into production. But there’s an aura of mystery as to what really happened. I could be nice and give benefit of the doubt to Cameron who has had a decent track record since this movie. The real director was most likely Ovidio Assonitis, who also directed Tentacles.

• I’m kinda intrigued how one “sort of” catches a fish.

• I hope that naked sleeping chick isn’t that kid’s mother. 

• Eww it is!! Why is this the second flick this month that has serious incestuous vibes going on between a mother and son?!

• The relationship between this teenage boy and his mom is very awkward and sleazy.

• Yeah, you’re going to be late. Maybe next time don’t fuck your son in the morning if you have early plans. Jeez.

• The son casually tells his mom that he’s joining a boat crew that will be out to sea for 5 days and that he leaves this morning. I’m not sure how old the son is but he’s definitely a teenager.

• Two horny chicks on vacation at this resort and are not ashamed that everyone knows they are on the prowl for rich, hot cock. Yup. I wouldn’t expect nothing more from a movie like this. And by a movie like this, I mean a James Cameron flick.

• Apparently every chick in this flick is extremely horny. 

• And they are not attractive at all. AT ALL!

• That fisherman threw that dynamite in the water awfully close to that police boat approaching. All in good fun. But seriously, what’s the point in dynamite fishing? Wouldn’t the fish be mutilated and torn apart?

• Dude, Lance Hendricksen looks just like Captain Jack Sparrow.

• Man, Lance is laying down the thunder on these dynamite fisherman. Lance don’t dance when he’s working his beat, err, wave.

• Nevermind, he’s actually friendly with these guys. I mean, the fisherman threw a lit fused pack of explosives at Lance and Lance just threw it out to sea as far as he could and chuckled at the hilarious practical joke. What‘s a little TNT play between friends?

• So the son from earlier meets his new employer, who looks like a captain in the way of Hugh Hefner dressed like a captain, except this guy looks like Higgins from Magnum P.I.

• And of course the only other crew is the captain’s young horny teenaged daughter.

• Almost every character introduced is trying to get laid. Two of them are very stereotypical New York Jewish woman. Again, not even remotely attractive.

• I just realized that Cameron hasn’t made a movie in 12 years and has been dangling the threat of releasing more Avatars for over a decade. I also just realized that he’s only made 8 feature flicks since 1982. Strange career.

• The manager of the hotel says, proudly, that he’s judging the Mr. Muscle contest. Only him.

• According to the events calendar behind the manager there’s a crab race at 1:00! I wonder if that’s open to the genital pubic. I’m itching to find out! 

• Yeah, Anne, explain the spawning for everyone.

• As long as it’s not Evil Spawning.

• Naked chicks on a sloop. I’m sure they’ll be dead soon. Hopefully not too soon.

• Man, you would think that this tropical beach resort setting would be, I don’t know, sunnier? Every time we’re outside it’s gloomy and overcast. Unless the video quality is subpar.

• So Lance Hendricksen plays Steve as the credits told us but he’s the police chief. Couldn’t they credit him as “Chief Steve“ to give the “as” credit more pizzazz?

• And he’s also the son’s (I’ll remember his name later) father and their relationship is just as equally awkward as it is with his mother. This kid is not easy to be around.

• Since Cameron wasn’t the first (or the last) director for this epic feature flick, I’m assuming he had no part in casting Lance Hendricksen. But it’s nice to know that he became friends with him and has used him in the next few flicks he made. It’s the only redeeming thing to come out of this production.

• Hendricksen just mentioned he found a dinghy abandoned by the Fitzgerald wreck. Does he mean the SS Edmund Fitzgerald that sank in Lake Superior?!

• Small subplot concerning the naked chicks on the sloop from earlier: One of them is sneaking into the resort’s kitchen and trying to steal some food. She’s confronted by one of the chefs who has a terrible stutter who threatens to turn her in before she invites him to the sloop so “they can make it up to him.” I swear I saw a few porno’s with this exact same plot.

• The chef declines because he’s not interested in what she stole for the dinner she propositioned him with. Is there some sort of lost in translation with this Italian to English dubbing or something? This can’t be right.

• I don’t think this guy’s made it with one girl much less two at the same time. But when she makes it clear to him that she and the other girl will show him a good time, he accepts. But he takes back the food and tells them he’ll bring the dinner since he’s a chef. One question: why is this scene in here?

• The wreck of the Dwight Fitzgerald? “The church bell chimed ’til it rang twenty-nine times, For each man on the Dwight Fitzgerald.”

• “You go to asshole school or something?” Nah, I’m sure that guy was self-taught.

• This smooth operator hunk is full of charming lines. He says he took this diving class taught by Anne (the mother of that son [still didn’t catch his name] and Steve’s ex-wife) because he heard the instructor was pretty cute. He then asks her if she dives on the first date. Wouldn’t that line be better if she asked him that?

• I’m referring to muff-diving in case that wasn’t clear.

• It would be nice if instead just this long extended scene of scuba divers swimming around the wreckage if they could add in some nice scenery or schools of tropical fish as well. This is about 4 minutes of bubble sounds and dark, murky water.

• How did she scream underwater?!

• And we heard the buzzing of the piranha approaching a few times but the scene ended with her bumping into a dead body floating in the wreckage. What scared the piranha away?

• Did that deputy just call a dead body a “deader?”

• “It wasn’t a shark, it wasn’t a barracuda, or a moray eel, or a jealous lover!”

• Man, Chief Steve sure is a hard-ass towards his wife about the fact that one of her diving students was found dead, seemingly eaten by something. Take it easy, I don’t think she ate him chief.

• “Word is he hasn’t been laid in 10 years.” A. How do they know that and B. That’s generous considering I don’t think he’s ever been laid.

• Just realized that one of the scantily-clad chicks on the sloop played Roxie in Mannequin.

• Poor doofus actually fell for the asshole hot chicks’ ruse.

• The charming dive student fellow from earlier, Tyler, is really fucking charming. He really is interested in Anne. Anne’s trying real hard to play hard to get but we all know, her resistance is futile. I can barely resist him.

• Anne manages to coax him in joining her in breaking in the coroner‘s office to exam the dead body (sorry, deader). Not sure why she needs to do this for. 

• They are then scared out by the coroner (or a nurse—a lady dressed as a nurse anyway) and as the nurse is looking at the deader, a piranha leaps out of the body and kills her and then flies out the window.

• How would a 14 oz. flying fish be strong enough to crash through a window anyway?

• So these piranhas can fly and live without water. This is a big leap of science from the first film.

• Wait, how the hell did Anne develop the photos she just took of the dead body that fast? It’s even in slide form! They just left the coroner‘s office and it‘s late at night!

• The floozies on the sloop are arguing about pranking the doofus chef, even hours later!

• These flying piranha left most of Roxie half-eaten! I realize that she didn’t fall into the water like the other girl but they can fly. So why didn’t more fly up on the boat and eat her? Are they on some sort of diet?

• Lance Hendricksen actually used the word “cockamamie.“

• There are very few actors that I would scared of in real life and Lance Hendriksen is definitely one of them. If he was my dad I’d be petrified of getting into trouble.

• You know, I kinda like the idea that Chief Steve is suspicious of his wife because the idea of her being with 2 of the 3 victims before they died and she can’t prove yet that the deaths are caused by fish since 2 of the deaths were on land. It’s not a bad plot-point.

• So Anne says that she wants to cancel the dive tours to the resort director and he tells her that “[she] is sticking a red-hot poker up [his] ass by canceling now.” This guy is giving off major homoerotic vibes. Speaking of, you guys should totally watch White Lotus. 

• When she is adamant about canceling and suggests they cancel all water-based activities, he fires her. You just said you were booked solid for the dives! I don’t think you have a back-up diving instructor. How are you going to replace her quickly pal?

• Tyler is not who he seems. I mean, he still oozes charm like a motherfucker but he is probably involved in the whole mutant fish theory that Anne is now investigating.

• I guess the only next logical move is for Anne to dive by herself to catch a killer fish to prove her theory to both her police chief ex-husband and the resort director. It’s not a bad plan except for the fact that she could totally be eaten alive. I mean, it’s kinda odd that this diving instructor is taking on this mystery all by herself like this. Why does she care so much?

• Anne comes across the swarm of piranha before being rescued by Tyler. Again, the piranha allow them to leave with no issue. These sure are fickle fish.

• So the only link to this film and the original Piranha is the fact that the piranha are somehow genetically engineered. In the original, the batch of piranha were engineered to go in all sorts of water. In this one they engineered them with all sorts of other fish to be able to live on land as well as fly. It’s not the same biochemistry company doing the engineering so this film is not a proper sequel.

• Piranha are already deadly and dangerous fish. Why do these movies need them to be superpowered?

• Tyler admits that he worked on the bioengineering project and wants to help Anne. So maybe he’s not such a bad guy. Although the movie’s making him out to be an antagonist to Anne who wants to solve this dilemma all by herself. Hey! Call someone for help!

• CHRIS! The son’s name is CHRIS! 

• Apparently the scene where CHRIS and the captain’s daughter left the boat on a personal voyage on the dinghy was cut.

• The dynamite fisherman shows Chief Steve that all his nets are severely ripped apart. I thought he was a dynamite fisherman, I’m surprised he even has nets. But he also explains that the piranha must be awfully hungry to eat themselves like this. Come to think of it, we have only seen the piranha attack people near that wrecked ship. There was only one scene of swimmers or bathers on the beach but no piranha attack. So this may explain why the piranha are starving. Although if the can fly as well as swim this doesn’t explain it really.

• I wonder what piranha tastes like. Why is it never offered as a meal or used in seafood dishes? Or is it just a South American delicacy or something? If you ever ate piranha, let me know in the comments, I’m genuinely curious.

• So Anne is trying to convince Raoul, the resort director, about the flying piranha in a meeting with Chief Steve, the dynamite fisherman and some others. Raoul flat out refuses to do anything about the dilemma. But Chief Steve has no authority to do anything either? This is dumb.

• Why don’t the piranha eat the whole victim? You’d think a whole swarm of killer fish would devour a human whole and not simply peck at him until he dies and then leave it be. I thought they were starving.

• Hahaha. I just noticed the FX cord attached to this recent victim’s shirt pulling him back while he tries to fight off the swarm of Piranha.

• So much implied mid-life debauchery at this resort right now during the Spawning party celebration. That gives me a great idea of a slasher or killer monster flick set at one of those Club Hedonism resorts. 

• Wait, did I miss the scene where one of the other cops was half-eaten by the piranha? Last I saw him he was talking to Anne of a walkie-talkie patrolling on the beach and now he’s lumbering like a zombie out of the ocean. They cut that scene too?!

• Raoul tells the guests that they need total silence as the Grunion spawn up towards the beach. But a moment ago he said they need to be lured with the ancient rhythm of the sea. So drumming is OK and not scare off the fish but talking is a no-no?

• The dynamite fisherman is so distraught that his son was killed by the piranha that he tells Anne that he is going to seek revenge on them at the wreck. But this is basically the first time that we know that he knows anything about the wreck and that it’s the possible nesting place of the piranha. Kinda out of left field is all.

• The resort guests are all chanting that “We want fish! We want fish!” as they walk towards the beach with tiki torches. It’s just like a typical Phish concert.

• How hard is it to swat away a flying piranha? In the water a person has limits in mobility, gravity and good sight and sound, so an attack in water would be much harder to defend. But on land it should be much easier to bat away a fish gnawing on your arm or neck.

• I’m sure a swarm of flying piranha attacking a whole resort full of people looks great on paper but ultimately the whole thing looks incredibly silly.

• The dynamite fisherman tried to single-handedly take on the swarm of piranhas by himself and didn’t last more than 4 seconds.

• I’ve totally neglected the plot line of CHRIS and the daughter lost in the middle of the ocean in a dinghy. But then again, so did this movie.

• So Anne and Tyler go to the wreckage where the piranha have been nesting to plant some time bombs. But there’s no way those Seiko electric clock timers will work underwater!

• I can’t believe we have like 10 minutes left and there has only been 3 minor piranha attacks and that dumb massacre at the resort. This killer piranha flick is sorely lacking in the killer piranha department.

• Why are they planting time bombs anyway? I can see remote controlled explosives being a good idea since they have to wait for the piranha to return to that spot. But they have zero idea when they are returning so how would they be able to know when to set the time bombs for?

• I just realized that every dumb resort guest that we met, the couple taking photographs, the 3 dozen horny single chicks and their marks, they all amounted to absolutely nothing. We never saw them again. I don’t even think we saw them specifically being attacked by the piranha at the Spawning celebration. We sure as shit never saw them survive it either. 

• I love how the police helicopter that Chief Steve is piloting doesn’t have a rescue ladder or anything like that to save his kid and the girl on the dinghy. 

• HAHAHAHAHA! Chief Steve just jumps out of the helicopter and it explodes upon impact on the water just so he can swim over to his wife’s diving boat to get his son who was on a dinghy with his girlfriend. I know it’s your family but those copters ain’t cheap! He basically said fuck all to the $500,000 helicopter for the boat.

• And couldn’t the son and girlfriend simply and quickly swim over to the diving boat?! There was zero plausible reasons for Lance to abandon and destroy a helicopter just now. 

• I can’t stop laughing at Lance just jumping off an airborne helicopter and allowing it to crash and explode.
• You would think a resort town police department would have an amphibious helicopter. You know the ones that can land on water.

• And seriously, there’s a killer swarm of flying piranha and you think the boat is the safer, better option here?!

• These are not fast fish. And from what I’ve seen, there were maybe 2 dozen piranha. I guess they didn’t have the chance to spawn yet. Even though this flick is called Piranha 2: The Spawning. 

• Anne basically says fuck you to Tyler who got trapped and attacked by the piranha so she can hitch a ride on the boat’s anchor before the bombs go off. Again, making them time bombs was a really dumb idea.

• Still a better ending than Jaws the Revenge.

Was it Entertaining:

Final Thoughts: This is just another typical Italian creature feature that tried to cash in on the Jaws craze of the late 70s/early 80s. It brought nothing new to the table and didn‘t entertain me in the slightest. In other words, a complete waste of time. I saw this like 8 years ago and nothing was memorable when I watched it again now. Even if you‘re a huge James Cameron fan and want to experience all his classics, this one really doesn‘t count so don‘t waste your time.

Score: 3 Deaders (out of 10)