Intercessor: Another Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare (2005)

Trailer: I can’t find a trailer, so here’s the entire film. I seriously doubt it ever gets taken down by anyone.

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The Intercessor from Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare is back because he heard there was going to be a free box lunch.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Oh my god….

• People are talking but there is also music so loud you can barely make out with your sister.

• So far there are mulleted losers and a drawing loser. Maybe Jon Mikl Thor has returned to Earth to show these wastoids how to be rad.

• At least the original Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare was kind of a movie.

• They can’t even get in the f’n frame. What baboon directed this?

• I think this kid’s drawings are supposed to be full animated sequences but they couldn’t afford it or anything off of an abandoned taco truck.

This is seriously a scene from the movie. This is not a joke.

• So now there are zombies who spit motor oil. I don’t know what’s going on. I’ll see you on the other side.

• The little rubber monsters from the original were way better actors than anyone in this garbage hurricane.

• I bet this is all a dream the douchey kid Harold is having.

• Ok so there’s a scene with Mephisto and the four horsemen and some other demon ladies that’s gone on for 40 nights and it’s less interesting than the results of a dead donkey’s pregnancy test.

• My friend Chris and I once made a -minute video about Private Miller Highlife seeing a UFO (a foil-wrapped smoke detector on a fishing pole) and it was 97,000 times more entertaining than this.

• This movie is like if the scare actors of the midwest’s shittiest haunted hayride took PCP and just said whatever was on their minds that are ruined by venereal disease.

• I would like it very much right now if the Bigfoot burst into my house and kill me, because it would end my suffering watching this and also I would know that Bigfoot is real before I died, which would be neat.

Speaking of furry beasts, this adorable bastard is supposed to be a “hellhound,” when all he wants are tummy rubs and bacon-flavored treats.

• I remember a show once were a guy drank bleach to kill himself and he ended up living but it ate his stomach and most of his intestines away so doctors had to connect his bowels to his esophagus and he had to manually push food down his throat and his chest were his bowel was kind of sticking out. Just awful, but at least he didn’t have to watch this.

• Ugh, this is only half over. Like my life…

• There’s also some little redhaired girl, which has nothing to do with anything at all.

• The weird thing is, I kind of like the music, but it’s so constant and annoying and over the dialogue, which I don’t really want to hear anyway, so maybe that’s a good thing after all.
  The Intercessor is now a male prostitute.

• Thor is fighting another witch or whatever and wraps himself in tree branches just like Ed Wood’s octopus.

• I must have missed where they explained why they’re fighting over this little ginger girl, or I didn’t but couldn’t hear it over this music.

• Thor tells the ginger girl that he’s pretty tired from fighting and he’s done. I feel exactly the same way about this movie, and Schlocktoberfest.

mmhmm…

• So the ginger girl Laura is the purest soul there is. I guess all other kids are shitheads?

• So Thor kills the demons, the ginger lives, and the douchebag kid from before pops up in hell or something. Just think of how entertaining that would all be over the course of 20 minutes.

Final Thoughts: Look, it’s not quite as bad as Guns of El Chupacabra, but at least that movie had four other actors that I like. This one has Jon Mikl Thor for 3 minutes, which makes me not like him as much as I used to. Actually, I just feel terrible for him, like seeing a homeless guy in the streets passed out in his own piss. As you can see above, I had nothing to say about the actual movie. I think this was all shot and edited over a weekend using a video camera that Thor got for free in a German porno shop in the early ’80s. It’s completely incoherent and totally embarrassing for everyone involved, even you for reading this.

Score: 0.5 Understandable Lines of Dialogue (out of 10)