Primal Rage (1988)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Kinda like SHAKMAAAAAAAAA but at a college.

This was a left-over entry from Shlocktoberfest X: Decayed of Schlock: Pandemic Feature Week

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Patrick Lowe is sadly NOT one of the Lowe brothers that I was hoping for.

• This late 80s pop song does not set the tone for a plague-themed horror flick. Did I misread the synopsis?

• If you had just turned on the TV and this movie started without knowing the title, you’d swear on your mother‘s asshole that this is a 80s college/teen comedy. Imagine if A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 started with Katrina and the Waves’ “Walking on Sunshine.“ Same vibe. 

• Amazingly, this college has a random tug-o-war match in the middle of the campus. Yes with adults. It‘s a metaphor for how this movie will affect my brain pulling it in different and strange directions.

• OK. So I’ve already counted three separate Rambaldi’s involved with this one movie. One’s the director and the other two are responsible for the effects. This does not bode well.

• Patrick Lowe somehow convinces the tow truck guy to release, what will surely be the heroine of this gem’s car by taking a photo of his ugly mug and coming up with a story about towing an unticketed car being illegal. Is he just an asshole tow trucker that goes around playing law enforcer with his tow truck?

• Did he say his name was Sam Ash?

• These chicks are feisty and pissed! Kinda cute too. I would entertain them with a balls ripping off session.

• Yes! A scientific experiment on a baboon! And this predates SHAKMAAAAAA by 2 years! Looks and feels like 8 though.

• Do all universities have a science department that do highly irregular experiments like this? I wonder if mine did. 

• Unfortunately it’s a very fake baboon! It doesn’t even sound like a baboon! What? Was Typhoon not available? Was his demands too extravagant?!

• Hahahaha. The computer readings for the monkey’s brainwaves are literally just green triangular lines drawn with Corel Draw on an Apple II.

• This old scientist has a silly 2 inch ponytail!

• Oh. Sam NASH. 

• An ALF doll?! Oh right this was 1988, the zenith of Alf’s popularity on the nation.

• So Lauren, our heroine, has a new roommate and when she asks Debbie why she’s starting school so late in the semester, Debbie admits that she had an abortion. I’m not an expert but does having an abortion require weeks of recovery time? At any rate, that put a damper on my fantasy of these two college chicks making out now.

• Duffy’s a douchebag. But I kinda like him.

• “Humpin’ his monkeys!?” This drunk idiot was way too excited about seeing the scientist hump a monkey. Besides, Duffy was only kidding. Possibly.

• “You only see one color Duffy. Shit-brown.” “Well a turd is a turd is a turd amiright?” Huh?

• Did Duffy just roofie this drunk kid’s beer?

• The bartender kinda looks like Brutus “the Barber“ Beefcake.

• Now I think I don’t have to google the fact that picking your nose in public is actually illegal. I call bullshit on Duffy’s claim here.

• Whatever Duffy slipped into that hapless kid’s beer is making the guy panic. It was a poorly planned prank considering the kid was sitting right next to Duffy. All that guy had to do was either puke or shit himself right on Duffy.

• I’m not sure if Duffy and Sam are friends or just work on the college newspaper together. All I know is Sam is the photographer and Duffy’s the douche.

• Hahaha. The campus police talking over the walkie-talkie sounded like if someone covered their mouth imitating talking on a walkie-talkie complete with the fake “KHAACH“ static sound.

• Sure, I guess I can suspend my disbelief that Duffy can pick a lock.

• Duffy says: “Call the decor hi-tech Frankenstein.“ Can‘t you say that about any modern lab?

• Duffy sees the chair that the scientist had the baboon strapped to earlier and assumes that the scientist is doing something nefarious. The chair was empty.

• SHAKMAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!! Sorry, wrong raged-filled baboon movie.

• Great tunes! Now I’m digging this. This is Knights of the Night by Steel Grave which is also included in Dario Argento’s Opera.

• Red-assed Baboon on the loose! YES!

• Oh wait, it just got creamed by a squad car. Crom Dammit!

• When the scientist sees the dead baboon he tells his assistant “This will set us back weeks!”  I know! Do you know how hard it is to get a new monkey?!

• Now that the baboon is dead, that means we won’t see anymore awesome primate rage attacks. I feel gypped. 

• Man, is this ONE creepy ass math teacher. Put glasses on him and he’d be BTK.

• Why is Debbie “the sleaze?” When BTK math teacher is creeping on her?

• Debbie claims her IQ is 184?!?! ONE. EIGHTY. FUCKING. FOUR?!? HAHAHAHAHA. Yet she’s at this low-level college! Einstein was 160 something.

• Debbie then states that “guys don’t make passes with girls with glasses” and immediately the next scene has three guys ogling a girl walking past them and she’s wearing glasses. Was that a joke of some sort?

• These upperclassmen douches look over 40 years old.

• Sam is totally pissing on Lovejoy’s bad pick-up schtick. It was borderline Kavanaugh. If it wasn’t for Sam intervening he probably would’ve raped them right there and then.

• Since Duffy got bit by the baboon and will probably turn into a werebaboon soon. 

• Why would pouring Old Milwaukee beer on the baboon bite hurt Duffy? More importantly why would Duffy think this would improve the infection from the baboon bite?
• “Under control?“ You don’t even have a monkey to experiment on Mr. Scientist guy. How you you have it all under control?
• That’s quite the impressive security camera that picked up Duffy’s break-in to the lab while it was practically pitch-dark in there.

• Wasn’t expecting a Hip-Hop song in a film like this. Oh wait, I forgot that this film was made in 1988 even though it looks like 1981. (song is called I Wanna be a Marine by Mondo Boffo & Scorpio)

• Can Duffy not afford to professionally fix his eyeglasses. They’re broke in two places and just held together with tape.

• Duffy thinks he’s Gonzo Journalism. Maybe he meant the Muppet kind.
• I guess this film has nothing to do with the animal fighting video game series.

• Wait, Duffy and Sam are going together to the restroom?! And they are using adjacent urinals and chatting it up. Nope. Nope. Nope.

• Lovejoy’s back trying to hit on Lauren and his line is “Hi. How ya doin? Say, why don’t you and me do it?” Fucking classy.

• Woodnuts and Dorkstein is definitely not a terrible insult to Duffy and Sam who are journalist majors.

• Lovejoy has gone full Kavanaugh. While Sam, Duffy, Lauren as well as Debbie are telling him to piss off he lunges toward Debbie and says “What do you say I lose my face in your tits.”

• Duffy is babooning out and practically broke Lovejoy’s wrist. Lovejoy will seek his revenge later on!

• Besides the near rape and fight with Lovejoy, their double-date was a smashing success.

• Is Duffy high right now? His impression of Al Pacino in And Justice For All is awful.

• “Scroats?” As in scrotums?

• Both dudes are scoring big tonight. Although with Duffy’s werebaboon issue he’s a little rough on Debbie. 

• Oh now Duffy decides to go to the doctors about that baboon bite. It’s festering as he’s waiting in the doctor’s office.

• Oh no his PRIMAL RAGE is taking control and he’s wigging out in the waiting room attacking people.

• Interestingly enough there was another patient in the waiting room who was wearing a baseball uniform, which at first I thought was odd, but he even had his bat with him which Duffy used to smash a doctor’s skull in. Weird attempt to amplify the violence. Couldn’t they just have Duffy take a broom stick or something?

• Hahahaha. Lovejoy is telling his goons that the sweetest thing in life is revenge as they aggressively play racquetball.

• Oh no Debbie is infected now because Duffy gave her a hickey. Seriously? A hickey? These are 21-year-old college students.

• Hahahaha. Duffy just grabs a traffic sign pole out of the ground and uses it to smash a random car windshield. Total rage!

• Why is pony-tail scientist at the homicide scene of the campus cop that Duffy killed?

• Lovejoy and his two minions are Kavanaughing on Debbie who clearly looks like walking death at this point. I mean seriously, how rapey are you that you want to violate a terminally ill woman?

• Actually it’s more of a kidnapping. And they’re forcing her to chug a Budweiser. Man this is stupid.

• Before Lovejoy is about to rape Debbie he says “I’m first” and one of the other assholes says “You always go first!” How have these morons gotten away with multiple gang-rapes?!

• My gawd. The third moron interrupts their feud and says “we can all stick her at once!” This movie is not shy about being over the top disgusting. But also downright idiotic as the other moron then says “Yeah! We’ll turn her into a porcupine!” And they all high-five. Does this idiot rapist know what a porcupine is?

• Wait. One of them puts pantyhose over his head even though she knows exactly who he is at this point. Was this to be even more creepy?!

• Jesus H. Tap-dancing Christ. They even have custom strobe lights in this room just for raping?!

• So it’s just not creeping me out and making me uncomfortable but now it’s also giving me a seizure.

• Debbie is now in PRIMAL RAGE mode and kicking their asses! This rape revenge scene is better than all of I Spit on Your Grave. I mean, this has that kick ass Steel Grave song (again).

• Those Kavanaughs deserved way worse deaths though.

• BTK Math Teacher is now up to no good. This flick has too many rapists in it for my tastes.

• So Duffy quietly rage killed BTK’s date without him knowing as he investigated the noise outside the car parked in the woods but Duffy then rips BTK’s jaw off.

• Why do the cops have a search warrant for a college dorm room? I’m very certain they don’t need one.

• The cops are looking for Duffy but they have a search warrant for Sam‘s place? Duffty doesn‘t live with Sam.

• The librarian ran like crazy to catch up to Lauren to give her something she had forgotten causing her to panic in the process because she thought she was going to be killed or raped or both.

• Debbie scares Lauren in the shower by returning to their dorm and Lauren asks if she needs to go to the hospital and Debbie replies “No. Just put me to bed.” Debbie could creep up on Lauren while she showers but can’t just plop in her bed?

• Duffy knows he’s fucked-up and forces Sam to shoot him. Not sure where Duffy got the gun. But anyway Sam is forced to kill him. I would’ve done the same thing.

• AVOID THE NOID!!

• Demon Killer Stalks Campus?! Great headline. Too bad it‘s FAKE NEWS!

• OK I mentioned the NOID in the earlier scene but now we’re in Lauren and Debbie’s place and I see a cardboard cut out of Bartyles and James, the wine cooler guys, on the wall. I also saw Spuds McKenzie before Lauren went in the shower. I’m sure I’ll spot Orville Redenbacher or the California Raisins soon.

• I know it must be traumatizing to see someone for through a terrible illness like Debbie is but Lauren and Sam are taking this very hard for people that just met Debbie like 2 days ago.

• Sam is upset that it was originally his story but that he didn’t have the guts to go in the lab that night like Duffy did. I’m not sure if he’s saying this because he’s upset he didn’t have the drive to go for the story or that Duffy is dead now because of it. Regardless this is one spectacular Oscar-worthy acting.

• Back up. Lovejoy and his Kavanaugh Krew are still alive. And now they’re infected and also wearing skeleton halloween costumes like Cobra Kai and one is even lifting weights as if nothing bad happened to them.

• Ponytail Scientist gets killed by Debbie. Which is a shame because I’ve really grown attached to his brilliant mind.

• Lauren and Sam are so distraught they can‘t help but just sit and mope in the middle of their college‘s Halloween party.

• The Kavanaugh Krew destroy some random asshole’s car because he made fun of their skeleton costumes. I’m pretty sure they would’ve done that without the rage infection.

• Do colleges typically do Halloween parties on campus? Mine didn’t. Then again I went to Burger U so I’m sure I missed out on a lot.

• Sam asks a campus cop if a “beast girl go by here?” Even without Halloween that’s an incredibly dumb question.

• Debbie’s condition and the way she looks reminds me of that gag in I’m Gunna Git You Sucka when the girl looked like a demon because she’s menstruating and she tells a suitor that she just has cramps.

• This is the perfect time for a totally 80s song and dance number montage. I wouldn’t mind so much if it was A. Not the same song during the opening credits and B. If it was E.G. Daily.

• Not gonna lie. Some of these Halloween costumes are rad. Although I’m very confused why one dude is wearing a nude female fat suit backwards?

 

• Lovejoy just casually lynched a random partygoer by attaching a noose to the gym’s basketball hoop and slowly raised it up. It’s hilarious because it was incredibly slow rising and the “dummy“ being hung never moved or struggled as it was being risen.

• Lots of random quiet killings over a 80s pop song. I have mixed feelings.

• Debbie is still good despite the infection and is protecting Lauren from Lovejoy. This is just like the finale of Monster Squad when Frankenstein protects Phoebe from Dracula.

• In what I would categorize as an interesting kill, Sam makes one of the Kavanaugh Krew chase him under the Gymnasium‘s bleachers. Sam runs out the other end and presses the button to make the bleachers retract back to the wall crushing the doofus who was still under the bleachers. Kudos.

• Not sure why they did the whole Debbie is still good bit when she dies within seconds of saving Lauren. But it‘s fascinating that this flick made the decision to not save any of the good guys.

• Moments later Sam just takes a fire ax and cuts off Lovejoy’s head in the most boring decapitation shot in film history. There wasn‘t even any tense or suspenseful music to highlight it.

• Is Lauren expelled? Why is she packing up her things and leaving school? I mean I know she just had a roommate die and is going through some PTSD but she‘s totally wasting the automatic A for having a roommate die during the school year!

• If anyone reading this had a last minute jump scare involving Dr. Ponytail in Lauren‘s dorm on their “This makes zero fucking sense“ bingo card, congratulations you win a big dumb prize!

• At least we get a hilarious dummy drop off the balcony and the body of Dr. Ponytail lying on the grass with water from the sprinkler under his face shooting water out his mouth. Hey, A for effort I suppose.

• THIS FUCKING SONG AGAIN?!?!

Was it Entertaining:

Final Thoughts: Even though I watched this for the pandemic week last year (which is still fucking valid this year too) I deemed it not pandemic-y enough to have it included. For one, only 5 people were infected and two, the point wasn’t to stop the “virus“ from spreading in the college campus but stop the already villainous douchebags from killing people. But it‘s a decent schlock feature and I had some fun watching it. If only if it had more baboon rampage then maybe I‘d give it a better score and recommendation. It was also lame that it used the out-of-place 80s pop song and the Steel Grave metal song 3 times each! It was so close to being a schlock-masterpiece but it sadly wasn’t bad enough.

Score: 5 Noids (out of 10)