Wow. Two years can go by so quick, yet here we are still watching made-for-TV horror movies. 

See? This is why all our cool shit is under fire. All our fucking metal albums, our D&D, what’s next? Yeah I’ll watch it, but under protest.

The Demon Murder Case (1983)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Kevin Bacon getting into some sort of trouble. Not with dancing but with demonic possession this time.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The “We take no sides in this controversial subject” title card.
  
  
  

• They didn’t have the font for the movie title in a joke font did they? At least not on purpose right?
  
  
  

• Starring Kevin Bacon three years after he didn’t survive the first Friday The Thirteenth.

• He’s on a prison bus, so he might be the villain. Way too early to tell.

• Before I go any further, let’s get this bit of trivia out of the way early. This movie is about one of Ed and Lorraine Warren’s cases. Yes, the two people Patrick Wilson and Vera Farmiga play in The Conjuring universe. In fact, this movie was basically remade into “The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It.” Which was based on a “true” case out of Connecticut in 1981 that was drowning in Satanic Panic, and a complete load of weapons-grade bullshit.
  

• The Warrens were total shysters too in case you didn’t know. They championed that Amityville was real and not the flagrant hoax it was practically proven to be.

• Jesus! Frau Blucher comes out of nowhere .

• If your lawyer is that convinced you are possessed by a demon, then you have nothing to fear at trial.

• The director really though starting the scene through the crack in the van door was artistic.

• Whenever Kevin Bacon has his hair combed or slicked I immediately see him as Chip Diller.
  

• Judge says no to a demonic possession defense and we are zapped back a year in time.
  
  

• From an ancient demon named Pazuzu, to a four foot tall burnt guy in a ripped plaid shirt. How far we have fallen.

• This little fuck Brian pulls no punches when describing “The Beast.” I wonder if he was left alone, if his mind was blank. Did he need time to get the memories from his mind?

• One of those crane through the windows of the house shots to show what’s going on inside. The one from Tenebre was far better.
  

• They’re going a little overboard with the strong Christian fundamentals backdrop. Kenny and Nancy aren’t welcome in the house until they’re married. Ugh.

• A small tremor and Brian screaming from his bedroom interrupt his parents’ argument about how nothing is wrong.

• I enjoy watching lil’ Brian get the shit beat out of him by The Beast and I don’t care who knows it.

  
  
  Great, now I’m starving. Fuck no, I’d rather have Kentucky Fried Chicken. I’ll get some for later, fried chicken and Knight Rider – Oh what a night.
  

• There’s nothing worse than really stupid possession antics in a bedroom. I’m flooded with memories from “Soap,” “Pod People,” and “The Ghost of Thomas Kempe.”

• You would think a demon would like slamming you on the floor or against a wall instead go your soft bed.

• The fucking vocal FX this movies uses for its demon sound like the Tasmanian Devil mixed with Bill The Cat.

• The Beast seems to really enjoy screaming and growling into Kenny’s face. Well, it is Kevin Bacon after all.

• Being a veteran of the Great Satanic Panic of the Nineteen Eighties, this is starting to give me PTSD. So if you don’t mind, I’m gonna head on down to the Elks’ Lodge and drink with my compatriots while listening to Blue Oyster Cult.

• Brian’s mom is so anxiety ridden from what happened last night, she takes it out on her family and her last bag of baking chocolate.

• Playing this movie’s version of the Warrens are Andy Fucking Griffith himself, and Iris Carrington from “Another World.”

• If only there were a group of scientific professionals whose courteous and efficient staff were on call 24 hours a day to serve all of my supernatural elimination needs.

• Two demonologists, a physician, and a priest walk into a bar. Just kidding, they all show up at the Frazier house to see what truly the fuck is up with young Brian.

• Father Eagon by the way is not only an insult to the future Harold Ramis character who shares the name, but he’s also a colossal prick who tells the possessed Brian that he’s much rather be home in bed than dealing with these Satanic shenanigans. Fucking kid-toucher.

• They’re almost following the Reagan McNeil playbook guidelines.

• Mr. Harris carries do-it-yourself kits for exorcism it seems.

• A cursing and flailing young boy on his bed would normally make a priest harder than Chinese algebra.

• “I’ll be amazed if it isn’t demonic, forty miles of real bad road.” Only Sheriff Andy could pull that line off.

• These demon scenes are hysterical. Kenny tries to hold Brian down on his bed, Brian bites Kenny’s arm, Brian’s mother throws holy water on him, Brian screams, “it burns!’ to absolutely no one’s surprise.

• The demon says that Jesus will burn in Hell. That would indeed be something.

• The casting call for the demon voice gig must have read, “Scary voice needed for possession movie. Must sound like Mercedes McCambridge while trying very hard not to.”

• Kenny already with the “Damn you! Come into me” approach. C’mon dude remember, Death Blossom is a weapon of last resort. Let’s see if anyone gets that reference.

• We all know how “thorough” the Catholic church can be with its investigations. I saw Spotlight.

• Awww shit! Eddie Albert’s in this and he’s playing a priest. Get down with your bad selves.

  
  
  Wait, he said he could smell his Mother’s sauce, but it was just Ragu? What a wonder-bread wop – his Sunday sauce came out of a jar? We had pasta for dinner this afternoon and the sauce took 5 hours to make. And for fuck’s sake that was the guy who played Frank Jr. in Saturday Night Fever.
  

• Doesn’t look like the exorcism worked yet.

• Pazuzu may have the cooler name, but this demon is as tough as nails – kicking priest ass, shaking up a church, turning the candles into torches. Top notch! Top notch!

• Holy shit, the Priest went to the demonologists and literally said, “A little help here?”

• The demon said his name was “Legion .” Oh come on, are you just begging for William Peter Blatty to sue you?

• The demon’s name must have meant something to the clergy, they’re all crossing themselves like they have big money on the Patriots game.

• A demon that gives Jesus, the priest, and God the Bronx cheer — you know he means business.

• Forty two demons are in this little shit Brian? Doesn’t matter how many really, they’re still taking Brian home with all of them still aboard.

• Actors even portray priests a little creepy around kids, even if they’re trying not to be.
  A study could be made.

• The priest’s answers to Brian’s innocent questions are ridiculously noncommittal. “Some have to suffer more than others’ or “well, it’s a mystery.” That was a fucking George Carlin bit from 1974. You want some questions answered? Here:
  

• Now the demon sounds like a scratched record.

• The floating over the bed gag?
  
  
  

• I would love for Linda Blair and Harvey Stephens to pop their heads in the bedroom right now and say, “Nahh, that’s been done.”

• The priest tells reporter Cloris Leachman that what is going on is in fact, The Divine Comedy.
  
  
  

• You feel bad for Kenny and Nancy at this point. All they wanted was a place to screw, they’re like Bud and Karen from Halloween 2.
  

• What the Hell is going on with this scene with some quasi-Australian douchebag and a job opportunity for Nancy? it makes no sense.

• POV Halloween grabbing the knife from a kitchen drawer rip off going strong here.

• When the demon tells Kenny that his yellow guts stink, Kenny informs the demon that it is in fact he who stinks. You don’t want to get Kenny that wound up no matter what astral plane you call home.

• “You die tomorrow. You die tomorrow at work.” We’ve all felt like that at one point or another am I right or wrong here boys?

• We immediately cut to Kenny at work. Is he a CPA safely ensconced in some drab brownstone? No, he works for a landscaping crew and he’s at the top of a fifty fucking foot tree trimming branches.

• Falls right the fuck out of it too.

• But wait, Kenny shows up at Nancy’s dog-grooming place unscathed, and all the dogs are barking at him furiously.

• Charlotte Harris is the psychic of the team she has with her husband, and she calls the cops to tell them that there is going to be a terrible tragedy at the Frazier home. It’s never the fucking lottery numbers though.

• It’s Halloween night? Nobody told me. Good thing those trick-or-treaters showed up or I wouldn’t have had a clue.

  
  
  Taxi’s been on for five years now? Oh yeah, it premiered about a week before we got the Kiss solo albums, now I remember. Did you put all the inter-locking posters up? They’re pretty bad-ass. Dunno what made me think of this, but were you serious about getting tickets to Juice Newton?
  

• Kenny and Nancy are on a rocky beach with a 6’er cooling off in the ocean. I miss old beer commercials from the 70’s and 80’s.

• Kenny sees the little burnt man staring at him and Nancy. I guess the passing of the demon was a success.

• Little Burnt Man – sounds like a Pearl Jam song.

• Now that the demon went from Brain to Kenny — it feels like another movie has just started that has only thirty minutes to tell its tale.

• And it is not using those thirty minutes wisely. Yawn.

• Don’t look now, but I think Kenny is going to kill that faux Australian bag ‘o shit Phil.

• Why was Kenny jealous of Phil spending so much time with his chick? The guy is bouncing around the room singing “Waltzing Mathilda.” I’m sure they just went shopping together Kenny, I wouldn’t sweat it.

• Some moronic tension building, followed by one of the worst-choreographed fights ever on network television; results with Kenny stabbing Phil, jumping on some rocks to bark at Nancy then run away. Phil meanwhile claps his hands repeatedly while screaming, “all right!” then collapses and dies. What the fuck did I just watch?

  
  
  I can’t believe that’s it for Star Wars. I heard they want to make twelve eventually. I wonder how old we’ll be by the time they’re all finished. Fucking-A we’ll see them together – I tell ya thankya.
  

• When a cop asks me if I’ve been drinking, I would once like to answer, “Very heavily, yes.” Just like Kenny did.

• Richard Masur plays Kenny’s attorney – another great character that is a favorite of mine.

• There was a lawyer once in real life that actually tried to argue demonic possession to a judge? What the fuck was his hourly rate?

• One month later – a lengthy trial indeed for Rhode Island. OJ’s was eleven. Just sayin’

• The state of Rhode Island finds Kenny guilty of Man 1, not murder. Seems fair.

• Another one month later. So that’s two right? I was told there’d be no math.

• The demon made the lights in the courthouse dim just like Brian said he would. I guess you can take the demon out of the boy, but not the … ah fuck it.

• No less than ten but no more than twenty years was the maximum punishment The Ocean State could sentence back then. Go Satan!

• Rose and Valerie are screaming from the gallery, saying Kenny must go free. The judge does not agree and he tells them so, uh-uh-oh.

• Stay safe in prison Kenny! Keep your head on a swivel boy!

• Kenny looks out of the bars in his jail cell and says, “demons.” Then we smash cut back to the Frazier home with strange noises and angry furniture scaring Brian’s mom, showing us that this is not really the end.

• Holy mother of all that is fuck. Look who did the demon voice in his first movie roll. Not the biggest surprise I’ve ever seen, but a good one.

  

Final Thoughts:  I wanted to like this movie. It has all the ingredients I like: Satanic Panic, nostalgia, Kevin Bacon – you get the idea. It was another made for TV movie after all so I shouldn’t get so critical.

Score: 4 More Ways That I Can Never Look At Harvey Fierstein The Same Way Ever Again (out of 10)

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