Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Meet the new Jason. Same as the old Jason.

Here are some of our observations as we watched the film:

• Brad: He’s already been to Manhattan in the 80s, wasn’t that hell enough?
• Brad: And what did Hell ever do to deserve such harsh treatment?
• Brian: Burn in hell?? This says burn in hell!
• Brad: Alright, did we consume enough booze or drugs to actually watch this? No? Well come back when you do more drugs and drink more booze.
• Jim: OK, I’ll be right back…
• Brian: Why would a backwoods road have a sign for a town 43 miles away?
• Brad: Didn’t they rename Crystal Lake Forest Green like 4 movies ago?
• Jim: This camping chick is a Mets fan. Kill her.
• Brian: Metssssssss
• Brad: The NY Mets? That’s hell enough!
• Jim: Ah yes, the truly isolated Hollywood Hills.
• Brian: Was that lightbulb made of fireworks and wax?
• Brad: One light bulb burns out and this chick has to go out in a dark barn to get more?
• Brian: Is that shitty chandelier the only source of light in the house? 
• Jim: Tool shed. Groovy.
• Brad: How many bimbos does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
• Brad: Absolutely nothing in the medicine cabinet? Not even one lousy bottle of aspirin?
• Brad: T & A already? Nice.
• Brian: She’s got a GREAT ASS!
• Jim: One of the nicer asses in a Friday The 13th.
• Brad: Lights went out again? Aw shucks.
• Brian: I never understood how Jason could sneak up on anyone. He’s a big lumbering oaf with heavy boots on that would sound like bass drums when he walked. 
• Jim: Did Jason just scream?
• Brad: No, sorry that was me, I spilled my beer.
• Jim: How did we not see up that stunt woman’s towel?
• Jim: Damn, she slid over that car hood like Luke Duke.
• Brian: Like Luke Creighton Duke.
• Jim: What Elven magic does she possess that allows her boots and flesh colored shoes to disappear?
• Brian: Yeah, fuck him up!
• Jim: This is a very vocal Jason.
• Brad: It’s like how the shark growls at the end of Jaws: The Revenge!
• Brad: So this lady, Elizabeth, was bait for this huge police raid which absolutely annihilates Jason. But there was so many ways for this plan to fail, first having Elizabeth strip naked in the dark and then Jason almost slices her and then she falls onto a coffee table from one story up, nearly breaking her back. Then she runs a mile in the pitch black woods wearing nothing but a bath towel. She had to then find the exact spot the SWAT team was set up and lure Jason there. The dumbest fucking plan ever. But of course it works and Jason is destroyed. Movie magic!
• Brian: Wouldn’t the team have been watching the front door and seen Jason go in, and either destroy him then or radio the woman that Jason was on his way up there? And if she knew that she was going to run from Jason, why would she get fully nude and then just put a towel on?

• Jim: I should made a clip with the SWAT team from The Blues Brothers overdubbed on top of this operation.
• Brad: Mahoney! Now that’s the 80s mega-franchise crossover we needed: Jason vs. The Police Academy!
• Brian: Have you ever seen Friday the 13th… with sounds??
• Brad: it took this many FBI/SWAT team members to take down Jason? It took less guys to take out David Koresh.

• Brad: Somehow Jason’s still beating heart survived the whole body blowing up.
• Jim: “I knew that sound well too. It was the beating of the old man’s heart.” – Edgar Allan Poe
• Brad: Federal Morgue? Is that such a thing? And why did they ship Jason’s remains from Jersey to Ohio?
• Brian: If you google “federal morgue” the first and only real hit is a Friday the 13th wiki. So since it’s fake they could have at least placed it in New York or something to make the rest of the movie semi-plausible.
• Jim: Another subtle lead-in to Freddy Vs. Jason.
• Jim: Send his slasher to the morgue, that’s the Chicago way!
• Brad: Hey it’s that black guy who was Tommy Gunn’s manager. “Touch me and I’ll sue you!”
• Jim: Hey! It’s Kane Hodder in a double role! Right on.
• Brian: Kane Hodder really doesn’t seem all that big in his normal cameo. And the mullet really takes away from Jason’s mystique.
• Jim: These opening credits are fucking annoying.
• Brian: I’m beyond ecstatic that Leslie Jordan is in this. R.I.P.
• Brad: Even the Manfredini score is sub-par.
• Brian: This score makes the Part III disco theme seem like a masterwork by comparison. Which it is.
• Jim: It’s been five fucking minutes and we’re only up to Line Producer.
• Brad: Hahahaha. How is Jason’s remains still smoking in the body bag?!
• Brian: Someone tried to smoke him past the wrong guy.
• Brad: Nicotero did the FX? Was this his first? I don’t mean first Friday the 13th, I mean first movie ever.
• Brian: Why are they doing an autopsy on Jason? They fucking blew him up. Case closed.
• Brad: It’s really an autopsy on how this franchise died a slow and agonizing death.
• Brad: The coroner seems annoyed at all the bullets he has to count in Jason’s dead body. Dude, we have to watch the rest of the movie and you’re complaining about counting bullets?
• Brian: Would there be individual bullet holes seen since he was blown to bits?
• Brad: Jason’s heart is twice the size of a normal heart. The big lug killed so much out of love.
• Jim: Huey Lewis once foretold that the heart of Voorhees is still beatin’.
• Brad: Is the black viscous liquid in Jason’s heart tar?
• Brian: Why does the coroner suddenly have blood all over his face? I think that was an editing mistake.
• Brad: And thus begins the severe drop in interest. The coroner starts eating Jason’s heart for no reason. Then little lights fly from Jason’s body to his like the Highlander Quickening.
• Jim: Right before he ate Jason’s heart I wish the coroner said, “C’mon punk, possess me and I’ll sue.”
• Brian: He shouldn’t have eaten that but I didn’t have the heart to tell him.

• Brad: It’s 1994 and coroners are still recording using reel to reels.
• Jim: The other coroner wants to take a giant crap on Jason’s mask. When did we enter a German porno?
• Brian: This is fucking stupid. 
• Brad: This other coroner is taunting the corpse of Jason like he’s glad he’s dead. But this is Ohio. You mean to tell me the legend of Jason reached national news?
• Brian: I mean, I’ve heard of John Landis and he only killed three people.
• Brad: Anyway, the possessed coroner kills him using a tuning fork or something. Kill Count: 1
• Jim: The first good kill of the movie and it’s offscreen – fuck this.
• Brad: As if we didn’t fucking get this stupid idea, but when the possessed coroner walks past a mirror we see actual Jason in the reflection. Thanks movie, I think we got it.
• Brian: And this was all heavily established in the previous 8 movies, duh.
• Brad: Nice that they had Hodder give the “He was nothing but a big old pussy” line.
• Brad: But then the movie disappoints by not showing Jason killing Hodder and the other security guy. Kill Count: 3
• Jim: How did this crime show get video of both coroners in their every day life?
• Brian: Where the fuck are they getting this news footage?
• Brad: OK so the exploits of Jason was nationally known. When did this happen? And if it was so wide-spread why did it take so long to do something about him?
• Jim: An Elias and Pamela Voorhees shout out. Cute.
• Brad: Jason legend story. DRINK!
• Brian: Either of you guys want to confirm the math on those 83 kills? Not it.
  
• Jim: It was my understanding there would be no math.
• Brad: OK you can’t introduce a famed bounty hunter who has caught 6 notorious serial killers and not name them! Did he catch the Staten Island Strangler? How about the Sheboygan Slasher? Surely he stopped the killing spree of The Beaverlick Maniac?
• Brian: I would MUCH rather be watching a movie called Beaverlick Maniac.
• Brad: This is possibly one of the weirdest casting and fashion decisions in any movie ever. A tall African-American bounty hunter who dresses and acts like a cowboy.
• Brad: And why would a bounty Hunter have a large compound? Does this movie think bounty hunters keep and imprison whoever they catch?
• Brian: It depends on how much the bounties weigh, if they’re under 180 pounds they have to catch and release.
• Brad: I never liked this actor, Steven Williams. The first time I ever saw him he was the traitorous asshole who helped the Viet-cong in a jungle prison in Missing in Action 2: The Beginning. This and that movie are the only things I’ve seen him in. And I just learned from imdb trivia that it was his idea to dress like a cowboy. Fuck him.
• Jim: He was one of Mulder’s “Deep Throats” for a few years on The X-Files.
• Brian: “A little girl in a pink dress sticking a hot dog through a donut”… arrest this man?
• Jim: Creighton Duke has the line of the year right there.

• Brad: So Duke already theorizes that Jason’s soul can possess other people. How did he come up with this all on his own without even confronting Jason once? And if he’s such a skilled bounty Hunter why are we just seeing him now for the first time AFTER Jason’s original body was destroyed?
• Jim: That orange/lemonade looks delicious.
• Brian: Creighton Duke is no Quint. 
• Jim: Ugh, I forgot about that fucking Jaws reference quote.
• Brad: What exactly is a Jason style murder? For 7 movies he killed indiscriminately using basic tools and weapons that most people have in their tool sheds. His only MO is see that person…kill that person.
• Brian: Everyone has a price. Everyone’s gonna pay. Because the man behind the mask, ALWAYS gets his way! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
• Brad: Is this newsman personally going to pay Duke the 500k to hunt down and kill Jason?
• Jim: The host of this crime show is no John Walsh.
• Brad: Wait. Did he say they flew Jason’s remains back to Crystal Lake? Why the fuck would they do that?!
• Jim: Linda Gray is in the hizzay!
• Jim: Hockey mask hamburgers. Genius.
• Brad: But when you order a burger the bun and cheese are already on the patty and no one will know it has eye holes cut into them. And using their hands to make the hockey mask patty’s will take fucking forever without a mold.
• Brad: Whenever I envision Leslie Jordan in a role, the first thing that pops in my head is a diner cook.
• Brian: He definitely should have played Steven.
• Jim: This movie’s Laurie has just met her Loomis.
• Brad: It would’ve been nicer is they used the same diner that the first victim went to to get a ride in the original F13, The Blairstown Diner. 100 pesos says they didn’t even consider that.
• Jim: I want that Jason is Dead 2 for 1 Burger Sale banner.
• Brad: So the premise of this movie is that Duke knows Jason isn’t really dead and will continue to kill. But that’s basically the exact same premise of a typical F13 movie. Couldn’t they wait a bit and maybe have people assume he’s dead and maybe there’s a copy cat or something? So weak.
• Brian: What was Creighton Duke waiting for anyway? How did he know about the trap in the beginning? Why didn’t he set his own trap if he wanted to catch Jason?
• Jim: Hot red-head waitress, you know she’s gonna die.
• Brad: Duke is quite the dick.
• Brad: Wait. So now it’s Cunningham County? What happened to Wessex?
• Brad: The police chief says they don’t need no freako bounty hunter causing trouble. But didn’t they already establish that Duke has caught 6 of the most lethal serial killers in the nation? Did they forget the time he caught The Osh Kosh Killer!?
• Jim:

• Brad: I love how Duke assumes that this waitress, Diana, is integral to Jason but instead of casually and tactfully approaching her and getting on her good side so they can help each other, he fucking scares the bejeebus out of her and sexually threatens her.
• Brad: And they wonder why the fans don’t give two hot shits about the character of Creighton Duke.
• Brad: Cryptic relationship drama unfolding that we won’t give three hot shits about.
• Jim: Singing alone in your car never looks good on film.
• Brian: They tore the cabins down a few years ago but just left the entrance sign hanging by a thread.
• Jim: Crystal Lake is Mecca for horny assholes who do not want to spring for a no-tell motel.
• Brian: “Premarital sex.” Is there such a thing as “marital sex”?
• Brad: It’s a myth

• Brad: Even if Jason is really dead, would going to Camp Crystal Lake really be the big draw? Like is Camp Crystal Lake the be-all, end-all of teen hangouts? That’s like going to Jonestown to party because they had really awesome whatever food is awesome in Guyana.
• Brian: Also, the signs should say Forest Green according to Part 6, correct???
• Brian: Why is this girl so instantly attracted to this pencil-necked geek?
• Brad: This chick just met Steven and she’s already asking him to skinny dip. And then she gives him a goodbye smooch. And Steven is no Don Johnson.
• Jim: I don’t think these three future victims quite grasp the idea of skinny-dipping. You have to take your clothes off before you hit the water.
• Brian: They brought one tiny tent for three people?
• Brad: Not to judge but not sure how I would feel fucking my girlfriend in a tent with our mutual friend sleeping right outside the tent in a sleeping bag.
• Jim: Don’t knock it …
  
• Brad: Is this almost over yet?
• Brad: Girl wanders around and possessed Jason slices her with a scalpel. Kill Count: 4
• Jim: The other cute red-head in this trio literally gets slashed. A first for the series.
• Jim: Find a bush Audrey.
• Brad: What is it with F13 movies and people getting killed while going to the bathroom in the woods?
• Jim: This Friday The 13th holds the record for most piss scenes.
• Brian: I’m so confused by the geography here. Crystal Lake is famously in New Jersey. This Jason-possessed coroner walked there from Ohio?
• Brad: Typical dude hates condoms. How original. Dude this is 1993, if Jason doesn’t kill you, AIDS will!
• Brad: More T&A. At least the movie is giving us that.
• Jim: Premarital and bareback sex? These two are chopped liver.
• Brad: Fairly graphic sex scene too. With a female orgasm. Whoa movie, even Part V didn’t have that much sex and it was directed by an actual porn director.
• Jim: For a Friday The 13th, this is one helluva cowgirl sex shot. Who cares if Jason steps on the condom in stupid allegory for teen sex.
• Brad: Sweet kill! Jason takes a steel rod and punctures the tent into the chick’s abdomen and proceeds to swing it upward slicing her from navel to shoulder. Kill Count: 5
• Jim: That was one of the series’ best on screen kills and it was committed by the fucking guy who played the shitty Don King rip-off in Rocky V.
• Brad: However we never see the boyfriend get killed. We never even see his dead body. Lame. Kill Count: 6
• Brian: Man, I really dislike these cutaway kills. You don’t need to break the bank to have fun gore effects. I think they blew their wad on the previous girl, so to speak.
• Brian: It’s funny how the two F13 pictures we picked are the ones with hardly any actual Jason in them. Although I guess the original technically has the least amount of Jason.
• Brad: How sad is it that this franchise shit the bed so badly that the biggest celebrity name they could get for their (supposed) last movie is Erin Gray.
• Jim: I remember when we would fight over who was hotter: Colonel Wilma Deering or Princess Ardala.
  
  
  

• Brad: I mean, it’s not like there were great names in Freddy’s Dead. Save for Rosanne and Tom Arnold of course!
• Brian: That’s Yaphet Kotto blasphemy.
• Brad: We really don’t care about Diana’s relationship woes. Not one iota.
• Brad: This horny deputy has zero peripheral vision and doesn’t see this huge black man covered in blood quickly approach his girlfriend’s car in the empty parking lot? Kill Count: 7
• Jim: Oooof! That car door head crush smarted!
• Brad: This fucking movie doesn’t even know how to properly spell Voorhees! The sign outside the house says Vorhees! This is ridiculous.
• Brian: Maybe they didn’t want to be associated with the infamous local murdering machine, so they cleverly changed their name to Vorhees. Like Obi-Wan Kenobi cleverly changing his name to Ben Kenobi.
• Brad: So the possessed Jason, still in the black coroners body, kidnapped the horny deputy, took him to this house apparently owned by the Voorhees family, strapped him to a table and is now shaving his neck and face. Jason can only possess someone if they are clean shaven?
• Jim: I forgot about this homoerotic m2m bondage shaving scene as well. Time to get a fresh drink…
• Brian: What exactly happened there with the shaving and biting?
• Jim: Erin Gray’s daughter’s boyfriend is the host from that crime show. It’s a small world after all.
• Brad: The now possessed deputy, Josh, just entered Diana’s house uninvited and proceeds to attack Diana. What makes this even more infuriating is that Diana sees him in a mirror and the reflection is of Jason. So is the film trying to tell us that Diana has special abilities of vision that can detect who’s Jason possessing? Or does Jason’s reflection always give him away? Either way this is so fucking lame.
• Jim: There’s a Voorhees in the mirror, a dog in the yard, and a year since I saw you. There’s a trunk in the corner I keep all my letters..sorry was caught singing there.
• Jim: Couldn’t see the wire on that Jason mouth slug at all.
• Brad: Apparently whomever Jason possesses doesn’t automatically get his super strength because Diana single-handily fights off Josh and shoots him in the head.
• Brian: Blowing the sheriff’s brains out is going to be a tough one for Diana to explain.
• Brad: Sheriff Landis? Landis?! Well he has killed more people than Mick Garris anyway.
• Brian: I can accept that Jason was basically a zombie the past three movies, but how did we get here?
• Brad: A bullet to the brain does not kill the Jason-possessed humans? You’re right, why would it?
• Brad: Oh good Steven is here. But he’s not helping when Diana gets a knife in her back.
• Jim:

• Brad: Why is the movie making a fireplace poker impalement more dramatic a (fake) death than the shooting in the skull? Especially after the fact? If he survived the brain trauma, I’m pretty sure he’ll survive a thin poker in his guts.
• Brad: Oh no Diana’s dead. Darn it. Kill Count: 8
• Jim: So much for Colonel Deering. Shit.
• Brad: Jason/Josh does his best Nick Castle/Dick Warlock impression.
• Jim: There is … another … Voor …. Hees.
• Brad: Now Steven’s framed for Diana’s death and I’m on pins and needles hoping this subplot gets straightened out fairly and quickly.
• Brad: Diana’s daughter arrives at Diana’s house smiling despite the fact that she knows her mom is dead. Sure she was getting her infant in the carriage up the doorway but still.
• Brian: I don’t think you’re going to get that huge pool of blood out of that deep carpet.
• Brad: Did I miss something? Who the fuck is this chick Vicki cleaning up Diana’s blood soaked carpet and embracing Diana’s daughter Jessica.
• Brian: I like that they’re fawning over a baby when her mother was brutally murdered and they’re cleaning up her blood stain. Life is for the living, as I always say.
• Brad: Why is this movie complicating things. Jessica has a baby but not with Steven Culp the news guy even though she’s dating him. The baby is Jessica’s and Steven’s but he doesn’t know it yet. I don’t know who Vicki is yet. Diana was dating someone but they’ve maybe broken up but again, not sure who her ex-boyfriend is. Is this Days of Our Lives or Friday the 13th?
• Jim: Is everyone in this diner drunk or is it just me? Not if I’m imagining it, am I the only one drunk?
• Brad: This isn’t as bad as I remember it back in the mid-90s. It’s fucking worse. Crazy Ralph!
• Brad: The fact that Steven is at least in his mid 20s and he’s still wearing his varsity letter jacket is incredibly sad.
• Brian: Does the C on Steven’s jacket stand for Camp or Crystal or Lake?
• Brad: Cunt.
• Brian: Are we supposed to know who this poindexter is? He wasn’t in Part VII or anything, right?
• Brad: It just dawned on me that Steven is our main hero. Seriously?!
• Brad: Did we meet Vicki at the diner earlier? I must’ve blinked.
• Brad: Did I also miss the scene when Duke got arrested?
• Brian: That was for unrelated sexual buggery.
• Brad: Steven is like if John Cusack had no talent and was even geekier. He also reminds me of porn star Jonathan Morgan.
• Jim: A fucking Jonathan Morgan reference. How about that.
• Brad: Actually, he looks just like this guy:

• Brian: What’s the price? $38. Ohhh, well, let’s go, that’s it.
• Brad: Why is Duke physically hurting Steven when they both want to kill Jason and save Jessica, who Duke has yet to explain why, is vital to Jason’s ultimate plan. I cannot stand this Duke character. Nothing he does makes sense. And Steven Williams is such a crappy actor that all this stinks to high heaven.
• Brian: Why the fuck is Creighton breaking Poindexter’s fingers? What’s the point of this? I fucking hate it.
• Jim: This Voorhees family rules shit rivals that of the Myers clan.
• Brad: Is Steven like special needs or something? He’s letting Duke break another finger because he’s asking questions.
• Jim: Anyone else think that this scene in the jail cell is going on too long?
• Brad: Like does Duke need Steven’s help? Because he’s acting like Steven’s an adversary and infringing on his turf. I seriously doubt I’ve seen a scene in a movie that makes less sense as this.
• Brian: Oh OK, Diana was Jason’s sister. We’re just doing that now. Fuck you.
• Brad: So Jason’s sister was Erin Gray and she still lives in around Crystal Lake and yet, nothing about her was brought up until now. Sure.
• Brian: It’s like the Brody family still living in Amity and not moving to like South Dakota or something to get as far away from oceans as possible.
• Brad: I don’t doubt Creighton Duke is a good bounty hunter but I do doubt he knew about Jessica and her baby daughter. Because if he did, he would’ve approached Jessica by now.
• Jim: I for one thinks he’s a shit bounty hunter – he never took the creed.
• Brad: How is it that the Voorhees house is still around and not resold, foreclosed or razed by now?
• Jim: The woman who owns the diner looks like James Gandolfini dressed up as Mimi Bobeck.
• Brian: WHY does this waitress have the baby?
• Jim: This bitch puts a baby in a cardboard box on a counter four feet off the ground. Babysitter of the year she is not.
• Brad: Seriously how and why is Leslie Jordan in this movie?!
• Jim: Let’s hope Betty White kills him with a frying pan again. Boston Legal reference there kids. Figured I’d save ya the 6 second trip to Google.
• Brian: Look, I know they needed to do something different than killing teens at a campsite at this point, but not fucking this.
• Brad: I thought all NJ diners are 24 hours. It must be terrible to be this dead. Guess those hockey mask burgers flopped big time.
• Brad: Again, did this movie need the unnecessary baby is Jason’s niece angle? Me thinks not.
• Brian: Thanks for letting me borrow your car, Meat Loaf.
• Jim: Did Stu’s house from Scream fuck 1313 Mockingbird Lane to make the Voorhees house?
• Brian: Wow this is ⅔ over? Nothing fun has happened whatsoever.
• Jim: I’m enjoying writing bounty hunter jokes.
• Brad: Steven drives to the Voorhees house and looks terrified. But the house actually looks decent for an abandoned house. It’s not like most horror movie jokes like Nancy Thompson’s or the Myer’s house.
• Brad: Someone’s been paying the Voorhees’ electric bill.
• Jim: At least that ironing board jump scare wasn’t a screeching cat.
• Brian: Is this goddamn goober Steven really our protagonist? Shouldn’t it have been Duke, even though he sucks ass, or Jason’s sister? Or the baby?
• Brad: Did they hire John D. LeMay to play Steven solely on the fact that he was in Friday the 13th: the series? Bear in mind that that TV show had literally nothing to do with the film series. “Hey David, you got Friday the 13th experience right?” “Well, I’m on a TV series called Friday the 13th.” “That’s all I needed to hear? Can you be in the next movie for $1300 for a 3 week shoot?” “Sure!”
• Brian: NECRONOMICON!!!!!!
• Jim: The Necronomicon Ex Mortis! You little rascal you! Jason is so a Deadite.
• Brad: Ummm. Steven Culp’s character cavalierly tells his buddy in the phone that he stole Diana’s corpse from the morgue. Then less than 20 seconds later Josh/Jason barges in and kisses him transferring Jason’s soul into him. Kill Count: 9
• Brian: Haha this guy stole Diana’s body? How??
• Jim: I’m guessing the writer/director is a Halloween Fan – he’s copying a lot of the mythos.
• Brian: This Jason transference is very homoerotic. It’s the first queer representation in a F13 movie since Crispin Glover.
• Brad: And now for some reason, Josh’s body is melting like the Wicked Witch of the West. Does anything make sense in this?
• Brian: OK I like the gore of this guy melting, but why is this guy melting?
• Jim: I’m watching the unrated version of this movie, and I gotta give it up – that was the best melting man I’ve seen since the original Robocop.

• Brad: Jessica is ugly crying in the shower. I can only guess why she’s really crying. Doing a nude scene in this awful movie? Being in this awful movie? Having to strip down naked for a 1st time 23-year-old hack director? You get the point.
• Jim: I’ve lost power when I was in the shower once – it’s a very weird feeling.
• Brad: Hey, I like being clean as much as the next fella. But the last thing I would do is take a fucking shower in the abandoned Voorhees house.
• Brian: At least Part V had someone dressed like Jason doing the killing. This is just a series of douchebags.
• Brad: By the way, the actress who plays Jessica pretty much quit acting for good after this flick.
• Jim: Why is Jessica walking around the house like that – is it carpeted with gravel?
• Brad: Why did Robert cut the power to the house to lure Jessica out of the shower when he could’ve very easily snuck up on her while she was still in the shower?
• Brian: Too cliché.
• Brad: And then, Robert doesn’t even approach her while she fumbles in the dark for like 4 minutes! That’s what you call “padding the runtime!”
• Jim: Was that a half-assed homage to Marion in the basket from Raiders?
• Brad: I dunno, but when Steven drops her in the car you do see her naked ass, which means they made that poor actress act in just a large shirt with nothing underneath! Now that’s dedication to one’s craft!
• Brad: Didn’t Robert and Jessica notice Steven’s car when they arrived at the house? Apparently not.
• Brad: And why is Vicki babysitting Jessica’s baby when Jessica isn’t doing anything except hanging around the Voorhee’s house with her shitty boyfriend?
• Jim: Smokey the Bear is still working for the conservation effort. Good to know.
• Brad: I seriously cannot believe this was a theatrically released movie. It has every feel of a mid-90s made-for-TV movie.
• Jim: “Past the Myers’ place!’ Fuck you.
• Brad: Do we really need this Steven vs. Randy the deputy kerfuffle?
• Brian: Steven has been laying in the dirt by the side of the road for like an hour?
• Brad: In any normal circumstance I would complain that this movie doesn’t feature Duke enough since he’s probably the only real formidable foe to Jason but I’m actually relieved we don’t see him all that much.
• Jim: Steven is probably the most bad-ass of Friday The 13th heroes, yet not the most masculine. I think Amy Steel could mop the floor with him.
  
• Brad: Hahahaha. The movie attempted the having the foreground and background being in focus at the same time but failed. The fish tank is half in focus and half out. JFC this movie is so inept.
• Brad: Robert/Jason barges into the police station and lacklusterly kills some cops to get to Jessica. Kill Count: 11
• Brian: Is there a reason all of the Jason-possessed people have super strength? I guess that’s just part of the deal?
• Brad: I get that they wanted to try something new with Jason possessing people but couldn’t they at least have them wear the hockey mask? I mean, having Steven Culp play a Jason-style stalking killer who can kill people with his bare hands is neither realistic nor interesting. They could’ve made the hockey mask be the source of his magic. I know it didn’t start that way, but with some creative license and imagination they could’ve retconned someone/thing making the mask give him his undead power.

• Brian: They could’ve had a guy go insane over the death of his estranged son and assumed the personality of Jason. Would that work?
• Brad: Yeah I dunno. What else ya got? How about something involving Celtic Runes perhaps?
• Brad: Robert easily punches the sheriff in the face dead. Yawn. Kill Count: 12
• Jim: Director cameos and stunts. Whoopee.
• Brad: Meanwhile Robert can barely handle Jessica.
• Jim: I remember everyone in the theater standing up and shouting when Steven jumped out of his cuffs.
  Brad: Steven again steals Randy’s gun and shoots Robert a few times. Well at least we eliminated Steven Culp from this disaster.
• Brad: I spoke too soon and he easily eliminates the mullet cop twins by smashing their hockey-hairs together. Kill Count: 14
• Brad: Another cop shits his pants and runs away but is punched out cold somehow by Duke still in his jail cell.
• Brad: Again, I can’t stress this enough how baffling it is that Jessica made Vicki babysit her baby when Vicki had to work at the diner and Jessica seemingly did nothing all day.
• Brian: The baby has been in a box at the diner all day? Why didn’t Jessica pick her up earlier? Why was she there in the first place?
• Brad: Now the diner owner, Joey B, is not allowing Jessica to het her baby back? What is happening? Earlier that day she was complaining about her bringing the baby to the diner!
• Jim: Second greatest line in Friday The 13th history here. The “little fucking ray of sunshine” quote for those not actually watching the movie along with these jokes.
  
• Brad: Robert strolls over to Joey B’s dumb fat son and breaks his arm and kills him. Kill Count: 15
• Jim: Sam Raimi bullet cam done poorly.
• Brad: Why is this diner scene mostly in slo-motion? Did I accidentally inhale raw ether?
• Jim: Holy fuck did that guy in the diner just get blown away by friendly fire?
• Brad: There’s nothing friendly about anything in this flick. Hey, do you guys remember that Steven has two broken fingers? Neither did the filmmakers.
• Brian: And one broken heart.
• Brad: Jason could easily punch Leslie Jordan in the face and kill him but nope he decides to waste time by frying his face in hot oil! Just like how he died in real life. RIP Leslie Jordan. Kill Count: 16
• Jim: With an elbow to the face, Jason-possessed TV guy turned Gandolfmimi’s mouth into an asshole.

• Brad: Joey B Dead. Kill Count: 17
• Brian: What a waste of Leslie Jordan. He should’ve played Duke.
• Brad: Was that just a continuity error. He throws Jordan into a wall or something then the film felt like it skipped somewhat and next thing we see is Robert break through a glass window to grab Jessica. I’m completely lost.
• Jim: When Jason was in his normal body, he didn’t take this much weapons damage.
• Brian: OK we can probably stop shooting him, it’s doing zero good.
• Brad: Is that Vicki? Not sure since we’ve only seen her for 4 minutes in this whole movie. Anyway if that was Vicki she’s dead now. Kill Count: 18
• Jim: He squeezed redhead waitress’ brains right out of the top o’ her head. Hooray for the unrated version of this shitfest.
• Brad: After all that Robert collapses to the floor. Jessica rushes out of the diner and hightails it out in a truck leaving Steven behind.
• Brad: Yeah, just leave Robert there, don’t try to fuck his body up more just in case he isn’t really dead, you schmucks. Burn him at least!
• Jim: Glad we had Creighton’s v/o for that note.
• Brad: How on Crom’s green earth did Duke escape the prison, run over to the diner, sneak in and kidnap the baby while all that shit just happened?! Besides being a cowboy is he also a ninja?
• Jim: He has trained in Rising Phoenix.
• Brian: Did Duke know the baby was at the diner? How could he have?
• Brad: I always hang my machetes up on my kitchen wall too.
• Brad: I don’t know about you guys but I’ve watched this flick in like 20 minute intervals because it’s fucking painful to sit through. If I go longer than 20 minutes I lose all sense of time and perception, I start to drool and lose control of normal bodily functions and forget who I am.
• Brian: I watched it for 1 minute a day for 127 days.
• Brad: I’ve had hospital stays that were more enjoyable.
• Jim: Rising Phoenix is the Mandalorian use of jetpacks.
• Brad: Jessica looks at the Voorhees house and says Christ. I hear ya sister.
• Brad: “It’s not about money anymore.” No shit. New Line ain’t paying you enough for this garbage that’s for sure.
• Brian: Who was going to pay his bounty though? No one from what we saw.
• Brad: This baby is the worst MacGuffin in movie history. Seriously, there is practically zero point to having a Voorhees baby when Jessica (and Diana) could also be vessels for resurrecting Jason in the flesh. In fact, one can argue that Duke should kill Jessica and the baby to ensure the complete destruction of Jason for good.
• Brad: Magic dagger! Jim, do you want to help me out here with a good D&D joke?
• Jim: A wonderful magic dagger indeed Brad, yet it is not comparable with the Venom Dagger. Which is an ornate, curved, magical dagger that grants you +1 to attack and damage rolls. You can use an action to coat the blade of the dagger in thick, black poison, which lasts for one minute or until you hit a creature with it.

• Brad: Instead of a dagger it should’ve been the Glaive from Krull. And why not, they already had the Necronomicon.
• Jim: If that’s the Kandarian dagger, then this is even more proof we’re overlapping with the Evil Dead universe.
• Brad: I love how the movie just makes Duke the wise sage of Jason lore and knows all these dumb rules about Jason. It’s like if they first introduced Loomis in H20 and he knows everything about Michael Myers and how to defeat him without telling the audience how he knows all this stuff.
• Brian: This IMDb trivia makes everything a little more clear: According to co-writer Dean Lorey, the biggest mistake he made was a writing a baby into the story and Creighton Duke’s sudden appearance in the lore despite never being mentioned in the last 8 films, and some of the rules to kill Jason.
• Brian: Also: Tony Todd auditioned for the role of Creighton Duke, but lost out to Steven Williams. GOOD CALL ASSHOLES.
• Jim: Whose POV is this? I looked away for a sec.
• Brian: That jump scare was actually decently done. That’s one good thing. (ed.: I have absolutely no idea what I was referring to in hindsight)
• Brad: Why is the film in POV mode for this random nameless cop searching the diner?!
• Brad: I actually would’ve loved it if Jason possessed Leslie Jordan for a few scenes.
• Brad: The country’s greatest bounty Hunter falls for a trap door.
• Jim: This is the way.
• Brad: The sheriff is alive? Maybe? Kill Count back to 17 I guess.
• Brian: This entire movie whoever Jason possessed didn’t talk, but suddenly this deputy does. So is this the first and only time Jason ever talks in the whole franchise? Still better than when Michael says, “DIE!!” in Halloween TWO (#2).
• Brad: Give me the knife. Pleassssse.

• Brad: Welp, Sheriff wasn’t possessed by Jason but Jessica kills him anyway. Kill Count: 18
• Brad: I’m a bit fuzzy on the rules here but if Jason possesses the baby, won’t he have a tough time doing anything or killing anyone because he’ll only be 8 months old?
• Brian: How great would it have been though if Jason possessed the baby and started killing everyone as a super strong baby?

• Brad: Where was Steven this whole time? The sheriff and Randy (who was the possessed Jason) went to the diner first (where Randy got possessed) and still got to the Voorhees house before Steven who left the diner before them.
• Brian: So now we’re ripping off The Thing and Alien simultaneously.
• Jim: A gratuitous The Thing rip-off gives us the reason for all twelve of these movies: a fucking demon lizard thing that should have been the mascot for a metal band from Pomona that recorded two forgotten albums in 1982.
• Brad: Is that the crate from The Crate segment of Creepshow?
• Brian: Whorelicks University. Another good title for a movie I’d rather be watching.
• Brad: Ummm, did the Jason-monster just crawl inside the vagina of dead Diana? And people think this movie sucks?
• Brian: Seriously was this written as a Freddy picture and just switched it to Jason instead? Or as another supernatural horror movie entirely and they just decided to slap Jason on it?
• Brad: I’m sure Erin Gray lists this movie as one of her crowning achievements.
• Jim: I’m glad Kane Hodder’s back, but did that lizard thing really have to rocket itself up dead Erin Gray’s ass or vagina?
• Brian: Oh hey it’s the actual Jason with 9 minutes left.
• Brad: Now how is it that Jason is now back to his old rotting self with hockey mask like right before he exploded earlier in the film? I can understand him being reborn since he used a Voorhees family member’s body but at least give the dumb lug some more youthfulness.
• Brad: I mean what’s the point of saying he’d be reborn if he’s still old and withered as before?
• Brian: Duke: “You remember me?” NO! Was he or we supposed to? He wasn’t in any of the movies previously.
• Brad: Duke sacrifices himself to buy Jessica and Steven some time to get the dagger. He’s still a fucking asshole. And they couldn’t even give him a decent death but a giant bear hug! Kill Count: 19
• Brian: Congratulations, Duke, you did absolutely nothing.
• Brad: I’m shocked Steven has any strength in that puny frame of his to actually tackle Jason through a bay window.
• Jim: Jason doesn’t have nards.
• Brian: Why the fuck would Steven remotely be giving Jason a tough time in a fight?
• Brad: The fact that Jason is using a broken rake stick to whack Steven a few times in the abdomen and not knocking Steven down with these blows tells you all you need to know how lame this Jason was written. The Jason back in the day would’ve forced that pole into his guts and out through his back end with ease. This dopey Jason isn’t even going for the head!
• Brian: Maybe it’s just like Ghost, where jumping into bodies wipes out your strength. They should’ve cast Whoopi Goldberg as Steven.
• Brad: The epic battle between Jason and Steven continues to enthrall F13 fans the world over.
• Jim: Sure are a lot of randomly placed weapons around the yard of this old abandoned house.
• Brad: A jungle gym? Seriously? Wait a minute! What’s this?! Here comes Leatherface with the STEEL CHAIR!!
• Brad: Jessica jumps onto Jason and stabs him in the heart with the magic dagger releasing the magic light bulbs powering Jason. Then Steven starts punching Jason in the hockey mask a few times also releasing more fireflies from Jason’s face. It’s the best CGI 1993 can buy.
• Brad: Seriously, it looks like Sega Genesis level graphics.
• Jim: I can’t believe I had to type the words: Erin Gray’s ass or vagina.
• Brian: Knife through the heart and you’re to blame. You give Friday the 13th a bad name.
• Brad: Hahahaha. The blade of the magic dagger wasn’t enough. The whole knife had to be implanted into his heart apparently.

• Brad: Confusing matters more, a giant light exits Jason’s body and goes up to the heavens and then a dozen or so monster arms pop out of the ground to grab Jason and drag him down to hell. So what went up into the sky?
• Jim: Giant dirt puppet hands drag ‘ole Jase to Hell it seems. And that as they say, is that.
• Brian: You know how this might have worked even a little? If survivors from the previous installments like Tommy, Tina, etc. all teamed up to send Jason to hell. But no, instead we get these two random assholes. Apparently this is all due to the copyright clusterfuck around the franchise at the time. Kind of makes you wonder why they even bothered.
• Brad: Oh no, the dumb arms don’t realize that Steven is also there and are trying to drag him also to hell.
• Brad: So did the dagger kill Jason or just summon the demons from hell? Because Jason is fighting for dear life these demons and also trying to grab Steven to bring him down with him. You would think a magic Dagger would simply destroy his heart like Duke said it would. It’s like the movie changed the rules of this dumb thing.
• Brian: How are Steven’s legs not snapped in half? Duke broke his fingers much more easily.
• Brad: Anyway, Jessica is strong enough to pull Steven out of the demon pit while Jason goes bye-bye.
• Brad: Is it over? Can we go now? I, for one, would like to go back and do what I’ve done for the past 30 years and not remember I saw this.
• Brad: The only interesting shot in the whole movie is hearing Freddy Krueger cackle while his knife gloved hand reaches out of the ground and drags down Jason’s hockey mask. I wonder if those two will ever hit it off?

• Jim: Freddy Vs. Jason – coming to a theater near you! In ten years.
• Brian: Yeah, we probably should’ve just watched Freddy Vs. Jason.
• Brad: We probably should’ve just watched My Dinner With Andre.

Kill Count: 19

T&A Count: 3 pairs of boobs. And a few ass shots. Unless you count Duke.

Best Kill: The admiration of this franchise. But seriously, the chick in the tent getting split open with a sign post.

Final Thoughts:

Jim: I think that’s all of them yes? All of the Friday The 13th’s have been done here? I kinda hope I’m wrong and that there’s one or two of them left to do – they’re always fun no matter how shitty they are. So remember kiddies: May you run around the woods in cutoff jeans, and may all of your Fridays have thirteens.

[Editor’s Note: We haven’t reviewed Part I, Part III, Part VIII or Freddy vs. Jason)

Score: 5 Anal or Vaginal Intruding Creepy Crawly Demons (out of ten)

Brian: This is unquestionably the absolute worst picture in the entire franchise. Even worse than Jason Takes Manhattan or Jason X. At least those movies had fucking Jason in them. This entire concept has nothing to do with Jason, and just invents lore out of thin air anyway, so this may as well be Shocker or Fallen. If you did take the Jason out of it, it’s also a piece of shit, and would just be another lame ’90s horror movie that no one would remember. The only positives in it are some nice gore and Leslie Jordan, who’s barely in it. I also find it funny that Part VI was a “resurrection” for the series and went back to the classic Jason formula, then each subsequent movie was way worse than the last. It’s a vicious cycle.

Score: 2 Babies in a Box (out of 10)

Brad: I first saw this back in 93/94 and never saw it again until now. I’ve seen the Friday the 13ths Parts 1–8 dozens of times (with Manhattan obviously being the lowest viewed) despite how dumb and silly they were. Jason Goes to Hell is an absolute abomination of the franchise. It’s an abomination of a horror movie period. It’s not even entertaining schlock. This was as painful to watch as, whatever that Jason monster was, ramming itself up Erin Gray’s hoo-ha. I mean, even the filmmakers didn’t give a hot shit about ending this franchise. Which is weird considering Freddy had a half-assed decently done send-off a few years prior. If they cared they would’ve written a better explanation for how to ultimately kill Jason and what gives him a source of his power. I believe all three of us in this review came up with better ideas and we were half smashed on Goldschlager and PBRs. Part V didn’t have the “real” Jason but at least it was a guy dressed as Jason. This one we had a bunch of B-movie actors stumbling around with varying degree of acting like Jason (which isn’t hard). Nothing was consistent. And to add injury to insult, they give us a completely unnecessary character like Creighton Fucking Duke, who knows everything about Jason without explanation and does absolutely jack-fucking-shit to destroy Jason! So yeah, we all hate this flick and for a plethora of good reasons, but mainly because the filmmakers just gave us a “final” movie to a beloved franchise by shitting out whatever asinine ideas they had and filming it. I’m only giving this a 2 because of the SWAT team scene alone. 

Score: 2 Hockey Mask Shaped Burgers (out of 10)