Schlocktoberfest VII – Day 13: Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood (Schlocktoberfest Triple Review!)

 

Schlocktoberfest7-Logo

 

Friday the 13th – Part VII: The New Blood (1988)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*


What’s It About:
 Finally after 6 years of doing Schlocktoberfests there’s a bona fide Friday the 13th in October! To celebrate we got insanely drunk on Peach Schnapps and watched the 7th installment of The Land Before Time series (The Stone of Cold Fireof films and then we sobered up, got drunk again and watched the 7th installment of the now classic Friday the 13th series. This is the one were Jason battles the telekinetic chick.

Here are some of our observations as we watched the film:

  • Jim: Why is the production company named Friday 4 when this is Part 7?
  • Brian: Friday the 13th: First Blood. Jason vs Rambo!
  • Jim: Whenever I see John Carl Buechler’s name I expect to hear horses whinnying.
  • Jim: They got Crazy Old Mort to do the voice introduction. Everything is always in the details.
  • Brian: I’m not aware of this franchise so I have no idea what these flashbacks mean. Who’s this hockey-masked fuckface?
  • Jim: This is a damn good montage of the previous six movies.
  • Brad: I miss the 80s when most franchises had a montage. I wish Crazy Ralph started his narration with “Previously on Friday the 13th…”
  • Jim: Kane Hodder’s first appearance as Jason! I’ve met him – he’s an awesome dude.
  • Brad: Me too! Salt of the earth. Signed my photo of Jason with “You’re Next!” on it. I also thought it was funny that he was wearing black gloves with the hockey mask sewn on them. Initially I thought it was Spider-Man painted to look like Jason’s Hockey Mask.
  • Brian: I used to sleep with his wife and drink his beer when he was out on the road at horror conventions. He came home early one day and caught us but was totally cool about it and even gave me a ride home.

  • Jim: How did Jason change into Michael Myers’ overalls while being chained to the bottom of Crystal Lake?
  • Brad: Why did the authorities not fish Jason’s supposed corpse out of the lake after the events of Part 6? Is the Crystal Lake police prone to leaving dead people at the bottom the lake? Was it because it was Jason specifically that they decided to leave him there? I’m asking too many questions aren’t I?
  • Brian: Tommy and his girl were the only people who knew about Jason being at the bottom of the lake. Except maybe for all the little kids at the camp, but Tommy made sure none of them would talk…
  • Jim: Young Tina looks way too much like Carol Anne from Poltergeist.
  • Brad: Why was there a calendar on the porch of Tina’s lake house? Just to highlight it was a Friday the 13th? Still. Silly place for a calendar.
  • Brian: October 13th! That’s today!
  • Jim: Regardless of his drinking and physical abuse, Tina’s dad deserves to die solely because of the outfit he is wearing.
  • Brian: “Go away! I hate you! I wish you were dead!” My daughter talks to me the same way.
  • Brad: Why is the father freaking out that Tina is on a boat? She’s on a lake. She’s not going far. The brat probably doesn’t even know how to paddle.
  • Jim: It’s Bernie! From Weekend At Bernie’s! How bad of a F13 entry can this be?
  • Brad: It’s just Bernie! Yeah Terry Kiser may have been in dozens of flicks but he’s going down in cinematic history just as Bernie.
  • Brian: Jason vs Bernie! Battle of the undead!

  • Brad: Why would Tina’s therapist want her to go back to the lake that Tina killed her father that also happens to be the same lake that Jason Voorhees killed dozens of people. Yeah, great idea.
  • Brad: I mean why does anyone come to Crystal Lake since it’s been the site of so much misery and death. It should be condemned and/or strictly forbidden.
  • Jim: Speaking of, that wing place we used to go to finally closed. Also, it’s never a good sign when a guy is wearing cut-off jean shorts.
  • Brad: And they look like they are cut unevenly.
  • Brian: Nice granny panties Tina. You think you’re getting laid this weekend? Not even Jason would fuck you if he saw those.
  • Jim: Tina’s mom is Susan Blu, who voiced Arcee from the original Transformers cartoon. I wonder if her middle name is Selsun.
  • Brad: Maybe it’s Cordon.
  • Brian: What if she married Aldo Ray? Susan Blu-Ray.
  • Jim: I bet the two cute blondes in the bikinis are gonna be the bitches of this installment.
  • Brad: That is one goofy photo of Tina’s dad on the wall.

  • Jim: The matchbook Tina made move across the desk should have been from the “Rabbit In Red Lounge.”
  • Brian: This movie is basically Jason vs Carrie.
  • Jim: Bernie is not that good a Master when it comes to The Force.
  • Brad: Did the authorities never recover Tina’s dad from the lake either? That’s just fucking ridiculous! It’s like “Welp, shame he drowned in the lake, there’s just nothing we can do about it.”
  • Brian: Great point, I guess her mom just wanted to move on from that prick as cleanly as possible.
  • Jim: Tina failed worse than Luke did at the dark side Dagobah tree.
  • Brad: Another thing that’s bugging me, why did her father drown? Tina telepathically destroyed the deck or pier he was on which made him fall in the water. But what made him drown? Did she telepathically hold him under water until he drowned. Because that’s just sick.
  • Brian: Tina wakes up Jason with her psychic powers. Nice going numbnuts.
  • Brad: After Tina resurrected Jason and he popped out of the water did he just hightail it into the woods instead of trying to kill the first human he sees? Which would be a passed-out Tina. Maybe it was too easy then. Maybe Jason has standards.
  • Jim: Kane Hodder fucking rules.
  • Brian: I don’t get the timeline here. Part 6 was years after the others. This seems like it’s a year or two after Part 6. So was Tina’s family living on Crystal Lake while the camp murders were happening? They never registered all the freaky shit that was going on?
  • Brad: If we seriously did the math regarding what actual year this episode of the franchise actually takes place it would probably be 2037.

  • Jim: A guy and his girl all alone on a deserted road with a broken down car. Oh, Friday The 13th – how I love you so.
  • Brad: Why don’t they just stay in the car? Why are they camping out now? Aren’t they just a few miles from the cabin they’re supposed to meet their friends at?
  • Brian: YEAH GO TO CRYSTAL LAKE GOOD IDEA YOU DESERVE TO DIE. … sorry.
  • Jim: Don’t shout at me, these kills are pretty weak for a Friday The 13th.
  • Brad: Tina’s Mom’s hair is the real terror in this flick. Oof.
  • Brian: Jason must have had that metal spike up his ass this whole time.
  • Jim: Tina, the telepath is creeped out by a guy who writes Sci-Fi stories. That makes sense.
  • Brad: Hey it’s Steve from Stranger Things!
  • Jim: Vodka and orange Slice – I miss the 80’s.
  • Brian: Why are these other teens around?
  • Brad: Where do all these cabins come from? I’m sure a Crystal Lake was a great lakeside resort before The Voorhees started killing folk left and right for years. But you’d think after all the killings that people would abandon everything and these cabins would be in derelict from neglect. I mean, would you stay at a resort on the site of the Jonestown Massacre?
  • Jim: That is not how we used to shotgun beers.

  • Brad: Why is the kitchen carpeted? And how did it cause Tina’s fallen bottle to shatter?
  • Brian: I bet that carpet has more embedded food smells than Mama Cass’s mustache.
  • Brad: And I thought Tina was a telepath not a psychic? Is she both? Make up your mind movie!
  • Jim: You truly can’t have a Friday the 13th movie without a couple who are camping for no fucking reason.
  • Brad: Again, why are there campers at this multiple homicide camp site?! Has there been no articles written about all the death and mayhem from here? Mindboggling.
  • Brian: Where else are they gonna fuck, Brad? Detroit?
  • Brad: This camper looks just like Will Forte.
  • Jim: The infamous sleeping bag kill makes its first appearance here – it’s much better to do in the video game.
  • Brian: The sleeping bag against the tree kill. Classic. And done so much better here than in Gone with the Wind.
  • Brad: It’s funny, but me and Brian both thought that he slams the chick in the sleeping bag against the tree like 3 or 4 times. We probably just wished it was several more times.

  • Brian: Is night school still a thing? Maybe if Jason applied himself and took a few classes he could improve his station in life. 
  • Brad: I hate to sound sexist or chauvinistic but all these girls are not that attractive. That one girl has a mustache! I know they’re not supposed to be able to act themselves out of a paper bag but give us something to look at for chrissakes.
  • Jim: The weird Sci-Fi writer dude is obviously hip since he wears a military jacket not only emblazoned with the German flag, but with the symbol of the Robotech Macross Saga as well.
  • Brian: Why are these two girls fighting over the ugly stoner guy? He looks like he hasn’t bathed since Friday the 13th Part 3.
  • Jim: The hero of this movie is not only trying too hard, but he also looks like a Jensen Ackles embryo.
  • Brad: A big pink elephant would’ve probably been more menacing in this film than Jason.
  • Brian: Half this movie is everyone barging into each other’s houses.
  • Jim: I remember wearing that much denim in 1988.
  • Brad: Do these people even know each other? The main nice guy said earlier he’s only here for his cousin. And it seems no one likes the bitchy rich girl.
  • Brian: Maybe there was a scene in the beginning that was deleted for time where that guy was just going to the lake to fish and he picked up all these people hitchhiking on the way.
  • Jim: The nerd girl archetype kinda reminds me of Natalie from The Facts Of Life.
  • Jim: Wow, that flying television effect sure was something.
  • Brad: I’m assuming the special effects in this film were not done by ILM. Maybe H&M.

  • Jim: Who carries a picture of their fucking cousin in their wallet?
  • Brian: Does he have a picture of his uncle’s accountant’s personal trainer’s dog’s groomer’s boss’s great-grandfather’s dentist’s adopted niece?
  • Jim: Could this couple wear any more pastels?
  • Jim: It took over 35 minutes for a skinny-dipping scene, and thankfully it was done by the girl who played the drums in Slumber Party Massacre Part 2.
  • Brad: Yeah I dunno. This naked skinny dipping chick has a great body and nice sexual verve but she’s just really annoying and completely unfunny.
  • Jim: Which is why this franchise invented the algorithm: nudity forgives all acting sins.
  • Jim: The Sci-Fi writer guy looks a lot like Ashton Kutcher. I hope he dies painfully.
  • Brad: And it seems all his wardrobe is from the local Army/Navy Store.
  • Brad: I know I haven’t been to too many parties as a teenager but in the ones I have been to there wasn’t anyone randomly dancing. Especially couples slow dancing.
  • Jim: Swayze asked me to dance once while I was partying at Kellerman’s, but Ferris Bueller’s sister beat me to the punch.
  • Brian: Where’s a dancing Crispin Glover when you need him?

  • Jim: A VHS tape in a clam-shell case – it’s the 80’s!
  • Brad: Tina’s car was going at a neck break speed of 7 mph before she crashed it into the woods.
  • Brian: And now it won’t start! She’s just not good at anything.
  • Jim: I can see now why Susan Blu was mainly a voice actor.
  • Brian: Friday the 13th Part 7: The Blu Blood.
  • Jim: Tina is the worst telepath ever.
  • Brad: Scott Baio from Zapped! was a way better telepath.
  • Brad: Why is that telepaths never attempt to lift or move themselves? If I was a telepath the first thing I would master is flying. Well, maybe undressing ladies would be first but flying would be a close second!
  • Jim: Nerd girl teases up her hair, puts on too much makeup and bada bing! No one cares.
  • Brian: Somehow the homely girl looks worse after giving herself a makeover. She should’ve let Jason do it. “Honey give me 10 minutes and I’ll make you look FABULOUSSSSSSS!”
  • Brad: Why is Nerd Girl looking outside for the guy she likes? Maybe she should, you know, check in the house first?
  • Brad: The probability of her finding her lost earring in the dark is non-existent. It’s a cromdamned miracle she found it.
  • Jim: What was the point of having that body fall from the tree?

  • Brad: Why does the boinking couple in the van assume the person rocking the van is the long-awaited cousin? And why would they stop mid-coitus to investigate this?
  • Jim: Is every kill in this movie cut? Thank fuck for the bonus disc in the (Susan) Blu Ray box set.
  • Brian: There’s a good amount of making it in this movie but a weirdly nonexistent amount of nudity.
  • Brad: This movie would’ve been so much better if it had more blood and guts yes; more T&A absolutely; but better still if Tommy Jarvis teamed up with a Tina to defeat Jason.
  • Jim: There wasn’t this much fucking in the Playboy mansion in 1978.
  • Jim: Sci-Fi guy says he can take rejection, but I really don’t believe him.
  • Brad: He tells her that he has a date with a soap-on-a-rope. Is he going to fuck it?
  • Brian: I can picture him tying the rope around his fandangler so tight it turns (Susan) blue and then he whaps himself in the nuts as hard as he can with the soap part. I know I would.
  • Jim: The pairing-off when everyone starts to have sex really doesn’t make sense.
  • Jim: How do these guys fuck with their clothes on?
  • Brad: That is one huge butcher knife. It’s literally machete-sized!
  • Jim: It took this long to figure out that it’s Jason Voorhees causing these shenanigans?
  • Brad: These have to be some of the most lame ass kills in the whole franchise. Beetlejuice was gorier.
  • Jim: Hooray! Tits!
  • Brian: A nipple. A female one. Not Jason’s. Although what is keeping his speed suit on at this point? Maybe after spending all that time in the water he’s super embarrassed to be nude.
  • Brad: Wow. I’m shocked the word cunt was used in such a lackluster installment. These bloodless kills and lack of T&A makes this barely an R.
  • Brian: Wow that’s a lot of weed. Jason vs. Cheech & Chong!
  • Jim: Who is this is?
  • Brad: Jason’s not here man.

  • Brian: Wow that cat that just jumped out of the clawset must be hungry as shit. Has it been in the closet since that guy’s uncle left the cabin weeks ago?
  • Jim: I haven’t seen a pussy come out of the closet that fast since…shit I thought I had something for this.
  • Brian: For a relentless killing juggernaut Jason is really taking his time.
  • Brad: Yeah what’s taking him? Is he taking a leak?
  • Brian: Besides the sleeping bag, the kills in this flick are mediocre. Mostly routine stabbings. I get enough of that at home.
  • Brad: How the hell did Jason find Bernie and Tina’s mother deep in the woods when moments earlier he was at the cabins? Does he have a magic portal?
  • Jim: In the video game, it’s called “Sense” which means Jason basically could feel where everyone hides. Kinda like an all-powerful force that controls everything. What, has that been done before? Oh, and you can teleport too.
  • Brad: Why is the rich bitch, Melissa, in Tina’s cabin?
  • Brad: How did Tina NOT see Bernie in the woods?! She literally was 5 feet away from him when she passed him!!

  • Brian: He was hiding in that small bush. Speaking of which, I guess the sex scenes are done.
  • Brad: Where in the hell did Jason get this weed whacker with a stainless steel circular saw blade? Does he keep going back to the tool shed? That tool is ridiculously dangerous.
  • Jim: I write these jokes as if I’m seeing them for the first time, but I saw this movie on opening night in 1988, and when Jason showed up with the weed whacker—we all stood up shouted, “YEAH!”
  • Brad: Why does Jason even bother moving the bodies? There’s such a slim chance of anyone finding them to be startled or scared by them. Ah fuck it, Tina found it so what am I saying.
  • Brian: This guy’s body has fallen out of a tree three times.
  • Jim: The Evil Dead possessed branch gag again.
  • Brad: Tina has come quite the long way from struggling to move a matchbook to now making branches grab Jason to make him fall in mud and then pull electrical wire down off a tower and making the wire electrocute Jason in the mud. You would think she’d start easier and smaller like throwing rocks and tree trunks?

  • Brian: The last 45 minutes of this 88-minute movie should have just been Tina trying to telekinetically throw progressively bigger and more complex stuff at Jason. Like start with a handful of dead leaves and ramp up to a rhino covered in razor wire.
  • Jim: After all Jason’s been through, I don’t think a flying couch to his face would scare him.
  • Brad: The science fiction behind Jason makes very little sense. Like how is he strong at all with decomposing flesh and muscle? He should be limping and have the body mass of a starving African child. Anorexics have more body mass.
  • Jim: Jason’s head is apparently filled with 7-layer dip.
  • Brian: Without the mask Jason just looks like an ordinary ass zombie.
  • Brad: So she can throw couches, have electrical cord strangle him, thrust nails in his face and even topple a house porch eaves onto Jason but she can’t control him? This is what I was saying earlier about moving people. Why can’t she simply telepathically lift Jason and thrown him miles away? Or how about just keep him in one place pinned down and have the boyfriend get help? Do I have to think of everything?!
  • Jim: Record-setting longest on-screen burn in history right here folks.
  • Brad: How is Jason even flammable at this point? He’s got to be so waterlogged.
  • Brian: The house goes up like they were storing fucking nitroglycerin in the basement.
  • Brad: How in the hell did they not hear or see Jason walk down the narrow deck?!
  • Jim: Through the magic of dry ice, Tina’s dead Dad comes back to save the day.

  • Brad: Tina’s dad looks remarkably well for a dude who drowned in the lake 15 years ago.
  • Brian: So Tina’s dad was stronger than Jason? Way to be a pussy, Voorhees.
  • Brad: Wait a minute, we’re missing the point that Tina resurrected her dead dad. Not only that but he somehow jumped through the wooden deck like a superhero with a chain and was strong enough to pull down Jason with it into the lake. She commanded her now zombified dad to kill another zombie. And then he died again in the lake. She killed her dad twice! And somehow the hulking unstoppable Jason couldn’t get back to the surface. What the holy fuck?! What dotard came up with this finale?!
  • Jim: How did Jason’s mask get outside?
  • Brad: Stockton Fire Department? Stockton is in Central Jersey! Crystal Lake is way up North! C’mon!
  • Jim: A shameless rip-off of the end of Friday The 13th Part 2 and Halloween Part 2, ends this second to last entry of the franchise before it really jumped the shark.
  • Brad: I love how the ambulance and fire trucks look like they are from the fucking 1960s.
  • Brian: Forget it, Brad. It’s Stockton.

Scare Level: Jim: C’mon, who gets scared during a Friday The 13th movie at this point?

Brad: I have never in my short pathetic life been scared of a Friday the 13th movie. In fact I always root for Jason. If anything the teenaged victims scare me more.

Brian: I don’t even remember a moment that was supposed to be scary. It’s just some dimwit killing people.

Gore Level: Jim: Pretty low this time out. If you have the Blu-Ray box set, the bonus disc has all of the cuts that were made to avoid an X rating – this movie would have benefited from it since the edited kills were pretty graphic.

Brad: That’s a damn shame. This is probably the weakest of all the F13s in terms of the ‘ol blood-n-guts. If you’re going to “clean” up the karo syrup then you don’t understand the point of the type of film you’re making. Idiots.

Brian: Yeah it’s actually very weird how minimal the gore is in this. It was kind of like watching the theatrical cut of My Bloody Valentine.

Nudity Level: Jim: I think it was just one pair of tits and an ass shot wasn’t it? That’s a shameful amount for a Friday The 13th.

Brad: I think you’re right. Again, this is was a very neutered installment of the series. The first real dud. Hell, people rag of the Fifth one because it didn’t have “Jason” in it, but that one was the goriest and had the most nudity. It, at least, knew what it was supposed to be.

Brian: The two boobs in it are nice, at least. I’m sure a director’s cut would have a full-frontal scene of that guy fucking his soap on a rope.

Best Line: Jim“You know what I like about you?” “What?” “You hardly sweat at all.” Not only is this a terrible line, we weren’t even treated to the song by The Romantics.

Brad: I always kinda liked the gag about the Personal Penis Enlarger and it’s just a magnifying glass.

Brian: “Hey guys! What’re ya doin’? Partyin’?” – Jason Voorhees

Best Scene: Jim: The sleeping bag kill, edited or not it’s a national treasure.

Brad: I can’t think of anything that even comes remotely close to the sleeping bag scene.

Brian: When Tina is talking to Bernie about her father and he gets so bored he stuffs her in a sleeping bag and smashes her into a tree.

Worst Scene: Jim: I’d have to go with any scene involving Tina’s mom. A prime example of how voice actors should stay voice actors.

Brad: Oh so many to choose from! But gun to my head…I’ll just take the bullet. OK, seriously, the scene when the stoned girl was looking for someone in that one empty room and finds the cat. That scene dragged on way too long for no good reason and when jason finally dispatched her, he simply throws her out the window. It’s probable that she would survive such a fall. It’s not the much better done thrown out the window kill in Part IV where the girl landed on top of a car which likely killed her more than the fall. Gawd, the movie is so lame.

Brian: I 100% agree with Brad about the cat jump scene, but to throw in something different I’ll say the part where Jason cuts the power to the house. Why the fuck would he do that? He’s supposed to be an nonstop murder force, he doesn’t need the cover of darkness. Plus, he’s a fucking zombie.

Overall: Jim: You can really tell how rushed through production this was, and the result is one of the weaker entries to the series. I wanted them to continue the Tommy Jarvis angle since the Halloween movies were pretty much shit until Jamie Lee Curtis came back for H2O.

Brad: What more could be said and time wasted saying it about this terrible, weak, neutered installment of a (until that time) successful series? Every chapter of the Friday the 13th series was good or great and even Part VI greatly reinvigorated the series. So what happened here and from this point on? It even had a very original and unique premise with a final girl with a supernatural power to battle Jason with and they still managed to shit the proverbial bed with it. I’m still baffled at how bad this gets with each repeated viewing. Back in 1988, when I was 10 this was passable but now it’s a cromdamned chore to watch. Not even Bernie Lomax could make this entertaining. If the kills weren’t cut and there was more T&A then I could see past the horrible finale. Heaven knows that we’re not watching this for the acting skills or set design. They failed in almost every way. The only thing they did get right was casting Kane Hodder as Jason and keeping him for the next few flicks. 

Brian: It’s a good premise, but a good premise and a $325 budget get you Friday the 13th Part 7. Aside from the telekinetic angle and the sleeping bag kill, it was just a boring slasher without much of the slasher part. However, compared to most of the other pigshit we watch here it’s not totally awful, just totally mediocre. But don’t worry, the next installment of the franchise rights the ship!

Jim’s Score: 5 Badly Flying Couches (out of 10)

Brad’s Score: 3 Pictures of My Cousin in My Wallet (out of 10)

Brian’s Score: 4.75 Wonderful Vacation Days at the Lake Where Several Murders Took Place (out of 10)

 

Got something to say?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s