Schlocktoberfest XI – Day 28: The Last House on the Left

 

SchlocktoberfestXI

SchlocktoberfestX

 

The Last House on the Left (1972)

Trailer: 

*Spoilers Throughout*


last house on the left posterWhat’s This About:
The creators of both Freddy and Jason team up in their first feature to deliver… this…

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • So this is the final entry in the trilogy of movies my dad got irrationally excited about when seeing them listed on a flier for a local video store in the mid-’80s, the other two being Mausoleum and Mortuary. And I quote, “Last House on the Left, ALL RIIIGHT!”
  • The events you are about to witness are true. This man has no dick.

  • I think this girl is Mari Collingwood and she’s 17, because this mailman has said it 17 times.

  • Ok, as the mailman pulled up the house was on his right, so this movie is complete bullshit write off the bat.

  • Produced by Sean Cunningham of Friday the 13th fame! Great! Written and directed by Wes Craven of everything he ever did sucked ass except the first Nightmare on Elm St. Street fame.

  • Lot of tit talk from Mari’s dad, so that’s the way it is in their family…

  • Mari is going out to see a band called Blood Lust, which is probably like Blood Drums, but more sexualized, if that’s even possible.

  • So Mari and her friend are trekking through the rocky woods to get to this concert like they’re Lewis & Clark? Get a car you gargoyles.

  • Mari is still talking to her friend about her breasts filling out. My wife tells me that no woman talks like that. Well the screenplay was written by a dipshit man.

  • Oh now they’re driving. I guess they were just hanging out in the woods just to talk about boobs.

  • The radio is talking about this murderous gang but I’m too tired and dumb to follow it because it’s going too fast.

  • So far there’s just a lot of blah blah blah jabbering that’s going nowhere and wasting time. We’re like on the second house on the left out of 137 houses.

  • Mari and her friend are getting ice cream. Look I like wasting time as much as anyone but I’m not making a feature film here.

  • The stream I’m watching is jerkier than a herky jerky soda jerk and it’s more unsettling than anything in this movie.

  • Mari and her friend run into one of the murder gang asking for weed, and he says he has Colombian, but aren’t they famous for their cocaine, not their weed?

  • Back home, Mari’s parents are decorating the house for Mari’s birthday like she’s 5 instead of a 17-year-old woman with developing breasts that everyone talks about.

  • I thought this was some shocking gory video nasty, so far I couldn’t be more bored if I was watching a ’60s film strip from a 6th grade girls health class.

  • It’s not going with with the girls and the murder group, surprisingly. This is what happens when you don’t pas on grass, kids. They don’t call it Lucifer’s Lettuce for nothing.

  • I think there was just a commercial break. Now it’s early next morning.

  • Well they’re putting Mari and her friend in the trunk. Still high off of giggle smoke.

  • Why don’t Mari’s parents try texting her?

  • I haven’t looked it up but is this a student film from when Wes Craven was a freshman in high school?

  • Nothing gives you a sense of foreboding dread like kazoo music.

  • At this point both Mausoleum and Mortuary had more going on than this. I wish I could have helped my dad with his horror education.

  • John Kreese! No mercy for these murderers!

  • The gang’s car breaks down literally directly in front of Mari’s house. How do their parents and the cops who are there not notice this? Is their house set back 2 miles from the road? Mowing that lawn must be a real bitch.

  • SOMETHING HAPPEN PLEASE.

  • The gang takes the girls into the woods for no real reason other than it’s cheap to film in the woods.

  • ZZZZZZZZZZZZZ… oh no, I fell asleep, Freddy’s gonna get me! Oh, wrong movie, that was his good one, which I become more and more convinced he had very little to do with, like Tobe Hooper and Poltergeist.

  • Both girls are naked, and now I think it’s only so Wes Craven could see a naked girl. (Full disclosure: I am not a Wes Craven fan.)

  • This movie is only like 84 minutes but I think I’ve been watching it for 84 days.

  • Is this like a project film made from extra footage from the crazy splatterfest I’ve heard about all these years? There’s just no way this is the actual movie.

  • I think this is Wes Craven’s voice on the radio! What a boring voice!

  • So these cops just got an alert that the gang’s car was seen, but the car broke down precisely in front of the house they were at before, so what the FUCK are we talking about, man??!

  • So blah blah Mari’s friend is being chased through the cheap-to-shoot-in woods. Why don’t they have guns? And the main gang dude, Krug(er), went off to collect firewood. Where the hell did he go? They’re in the middle of the woods. Lots of trees and stuff.

  • Oh, random cemetery.

  • There’s Krug, now with an inexplicable machete. At least they’re next to a really busy road that this girl can just run to and flag down a car. A good director may have blocked that shot better or done another take that didn’t have rush hour traffic in it.

  • Oh, that does no good, Mari’s friend gets stabbed in the back. I’ll miss you, whatever your name was.

  • This is a lot like and as bad as The Town that Dreaded Sundown.

  • I haven’t really described much of the detail of what’s going on because nothing is going on.

  • They stab Mari’s friend a lot, but I think you could probably show this on Nickelodeon.

  • So since there are two protagonist characters in this movie, I guess that’s it for the “bloodbath”?

  • When did they cut off Mari’s friend’s arm? Who cares though?

  • A group of hippies steals the cop car that also broke down. That was dumb.

  • Now Krug cuts his name into Mari’s chest and rapes her. Still not anything worse than you’d see in an average episode of Goosebumps.

  • I love that she just stands up and walks off, like, “Ok, we good now? Lunchtime?”

  • I know this gang is crazy but why are they wasting their time like this?

  • Oh ok, they do have a gun, and they shoot Mari with it after she wades into a pond. Show’s over?

  • How is there still 34 minutes left…

  • I like these nice comedy breaks after the brutal rape and murder. Whatever moron directed this movie had no idea what he was doing.

  • Now the gang is in Mari’s parents house for no real reason. Her parents welcome them with open arms, even though their daughter is missing, and have dinner with them instead of calling a tow truck for their car. I suppose they’re going to get killed, and I couldn’t possibly care less.

  • I could watch a sign language interpretation of this movie and get just as much out of it.

  • Ok, so after a bunch of boring nonsense, the parents get revenge on the gang. The mom lures the older dude to the pond and zips his dick in his zipper, then bites it off. His dick, not the zipper. The dad like wakes Krug and the lady up, instead of just shooting them while they were sleeping. Then Krug and the dad get in a fistfight, which is boring as hell. Oh Krug convinces the weak gang member to blow his brains out, and he just does it. I mean, ok. Sure.

  • Now the dad has a chainsaw. I guess this would be an influence on Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which would make it approximately 17,000 times more entertaining.

  • The front door is electrified or something? Shocker.

  • Oh god this chainsaw scene has been going on for the entire month of October.

  • Oh Kreese and the other cop finally showed up. Fortunately, the parents killed the rest of the gang. I feel like I just watched a PG-rated cut, because there should have been a lot more gore there.

Final Thoughts: I pretty much hated every second of this. There was nothing remotely interesting about it and it was an absolute chore to watch. I seriously don’t know why there was controversy surrounding it all these years. I’m sure for 1972 this was controversial, but 50 years later, it’s just a bunch of assholes walking around the woods. I understand that they had limitations with budget and whatnot, and weren’t technically capable of showing a lot of makeup effects because of that. It picks up just a bit at the end, but so does your average prostate exam. The parents taking revenge on their daughter’s murderers was semi-interesting as a premise, but was executed as badly as when Thomas Edison electrocuted those elephants to death. Mari’s murderers staying in her parents’ house should have created a lot of tension, but it just falls flat. Oh, and the title sounds cool, but it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. Once again, I do not know what my dad was thinking. This movie makes Mortuary look like Nightmare on Elm Street… 3!

Score: 1 House on the Left (out of 10)

 

2 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest XI – Day 28: The Last House on the Left

  1. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest XI: The Recap Kills | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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