Galaxy Destroyer (1986) (AKA Battle For the Lost Planet)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What‘s This About: I watched this 2 years ago and I didn‘t have time to rewatch it (nor desired to) so I‘m a little fuzzy on the details. Here‘s the synopsis from imdb: After hijacking a space shuttle, a spy finds that the controls are malfunctioning and sees alien battleships approaching Earth. Many years later, when the arc of his flight path returns to earth, he finds the planet under alien domination.

This was a leftover review for Schlocktoberfest IX: Schlock Nine From Outer Space

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Denise Coward. COOOOOWAAAARD!!!
• The score sounds like an old NES game.
• First words are “God. Look at that big ugly monster.”
• A Star Wars reference. Bold movie. Very bold.
• There’s this old man on a beach chomping on a cigar trying to recall the events of this film for historical reference and he’s just mumbling and rambling on and on.
• The “laser blast” from that guy’s gun was just a flash of tiny light and someone else reacting to it.
• Was the lady VO telling this one security guard that his lighter is out of fuel supposed to be futuristic and charming? It came out of nowhere. I don’t even know where the VO came from? His mind? The lighter?
• So our “hero” is supposedly the old man on the beach and this is all flashback. He seems to be on the run for some crime. He steals a space craft that looks very much like Columbia and leaves Earth.
• This hero, Harry Trent, is played by Matt Mitler, who also played Ed Jr. in The Mutilator and Breeders as well.
• Great outer space special effects. These ships doesn’t look like a model at all. AT ALL!
• “Attention alien vessels!” Hahahaha
• This general or whoever is speaking to the alien fleet sounds like a slightly less gay Paul Lynde.
• Oh no they’re destroying Earth! Nooooooo!
• I guess we’re the lost planet? 
• That didn’t sound like a rhetorical question.
• EXTREME CLOSE-UP!!!!!
• There’s carpet in Harry’s spaceship?
• And it’s stocked with Stouffer frozen dinners!

C’mon! Chicken Fried Beef Steak AGAIN?!

• I love how the score for a film is not only constant but the same droning background noise that doesn’t fit the context of the scene.
• I wonder if Harry’s list of celebrity actresses like Tanya Roberts (RIP) and Daryl Hannah means anything? He’s checking them off so I can only assume he jerked off to his memories of them.
• There’s Schlitz on the ship? Huh?
• Oooooo Mercury. Nice.
• Stop-motion aliens on Mercury? This film spared no expense did it?
• Two humans stuck in space outside Earth’s orbit argue and fight about if they should let Harry go back to Earth or let the new Alien overlords of Earth know about Harry. Ultimately the one who thinks Harry is Earth’s only hope wins the fight and self-destructs the ship to let Harry go back to Earth. Riveting scene.
• Harry’s VO states that when he lands on Earth he’s baffled why he hasn’t had contact with any humans and that suits him just fine. Despite him being stuck in space alone for over 5 years and was using his pillow as a sex doll.
• Mutants attack Harry. This is some of the cheesiest shit I’ve ever seen.
• Most of the mutant make-up is just a cheap rubber mask that only covers half a face. Like you see normal skin around the rubber mask. This is horrendously schlocky!
• Some normal, good-looking woman on a horse saves Harry. I think her hair is even professionally made-up.
• This old man who seems to be the leader of the free humans kinda looks like Peter Boyle.
• When Harry takes the old man and savior lady, Dana, back to the ship he stole five years back, they are ambushed by a few of the Alien overlords. The overlords all look like they have ribbed snout-like dicks hanging in place of the nose. That’s the extent of how alien they are to us.
• Oh no, the old man is dead!
• It would be hilarious if Harry had to explain all the debauchery and crap left in the shuttle when he took her inside.
• Hahaha. So back when Harry was on the run he was on the lam because he stole some tapes of classified documents about a new weapon being developed. Right now Harry and Dana are analyzing the tapes and the weapon is described as being able to be programmed to kill a whole select group of people or animal based on genetic code. This is the most convenient MacGuffin for our heroes ever.
• AND the computer analyzing the tape tells them where the location of the bomb is AND that Harry’s shuttle has enough fuel to take them there.
• Wait a minute, the old man survived that laser blast from the alien ship?
• Even the sound effects are so shitty. These laser blast sounds coming from the alien ships are literally light pew-pews.
• Why would the alien flip the bird?
• And why is another one wearing a WWII style helmet?

• Now it’s nighttime. Or was it always nighttime. I can’t fucking tell.
• Those series of laser shots didn’t even make a noise that time. And it was a crucial direct hit that downed Harry’s ship.
• I am not going to make another hour of this.
• This guy was going nuts on his 5 year journey in space without female companionship and now that he’s alone in the wilderness with this good looking Dana, he’s barely giving a shit about her. He seems annoyed by her questions. 
• And as soon as I finished my last sentence they’re fucking. She initiated it though. He was busy waxing poetic about his prison days.
• More stop-motion creatures. Lovely. This worked to great comedic lengths in Caveman but that was done on purpose.
• OK do we really need to see Harry’s dick?
• Some, not much though, some Dana nudity.
• What is this creature doing? It has a tentacle around Dana’s ankle trying to pull her back. But all it needs to do is go forward to get her. It doesn’t make any sense other than to build up suspense and tension.
• More humans. They look like cavemen. Now they’re fighting the creature. They were watching the whole time and only decided to attack when Dana and Harry were up in a tree.
• This is going on waaaaaaay too long.
• Was that a trap or did the creature just fall through a random sinkhole? Nevermind, I don’t care.
• Hope these cavemen have a spare loin cloth for Harry.
• These cavemen grow marijuana. It’s the stoned age! 

Dave’s not here man

• There’s more expository dialogue in this than an episode of The Walking Dead.
• So it’s been 5 years since the Aliens took over Earth. And in that time all known modes of transportation except for horses is gone. Shouldn’t there be clans of humans fighting for gasoline and fuel like Mad Max or something?
• I’m again just a few minutes faster than this flick. Here’s another human gang or clan and they’re riding motorcycles.
• Who choreographed this fist fight? Stevie Wonder? The punching sound effects don’t even sync up properly.
• One of the motorcycle gang members looks like Bubbles from Trailer Park Boys.
• Screech? The leader of the motorcycle gang looks like Screech with Syl Stallone’s hair and beard from Nighthawks.
• But he sounds and talks like my accountant.
• I’m now daydreaming what I could be spending the next 34 minutes doing.
• Hahahaha. The headquarters of this leader has a hand-painted sign that reads Chéz Mad Dog. Maybe this movie is trying not to take itself seriously? Hard to tell. And if it’s hard to tell then that means it’s failing to do that properly.
• Some hair metal music is playing at Chéz Mad Dog’s! I can’t quite make it out though.
• Hahaha. In his narration, Harry says that he wants to stay at Mad Dogs once he sees all the scantily clad women in his clan. He also says that he hasn’t seen this in 5 whole years. I guess he don’t like Dana much after all.
• This Mad Dog is quite the charmer.

I have a feeling we ain‘t in Bensonhurst no more.

• I think this an old WASP music video I saw once.
• How is it possible that the actor playing Mad Dog only starred in this one movie?
• “I can’t get my principle’s straight” says Harry to Mad Dog. Then the amazonian woman around Harry’s lap says, “Your principle looks pretty straight to me.”
• Now Mad Dog is talking about the company he used to work for before the invasion. Harry and him are really bonding.
• Like Princess Leia in Jabba’s palace, Dana is now wearing some skimpy in Chéz Mad Dog. It’s not that skimpy but the homage is noted.
• Mad Dog is probably the least intimidating cult leader I’ve ever seen. He’s soft-spoken and quotes Oscar Wilde.
• Now there’s a gladiator Thunderdome-style battle between Mad Dog and Harry starting all because Mad Dog wanted to rape Dana and Harry told him that she’s his.
• This is the most hilarious dialogue before a fight I ever heard. Now I’m really thinking this film was made as spoof. Read some of this stuff:
  Mad Dog throws Harry a halberd-style weapon: “Ever use one of these?”
  Harry: “Tough to shave with aren’t they?”
  Mad Dog: “Now that’s real funny. You’re going to be grinning from ear-to-ear in a minute.”
  Harry: “Now before we start let’s go over the rules.”
  Mad Dog (throws his halberd to a lieutenant): “Rules? What rules? You kill me, you take the girl and then you go. If I kill you, You won’t care what happens next.”
  Harry (laughing): “Well, no. How about I win, I get the girl and you owe me a favor?”
  Mad Dog (throws his arms up incredulously): “Aw that’s stupid!”
  Harry: “Well that’s it, I won’t fight.”
  Mad Dog: “You gotta fight!”
  Harry: “Nope. No deal. I’m not fighting. Nope forget about it. I’m a guest here and if you don’t change the rules, that’s it.”
  Mad Dog: “OK wait a minute. You win. If you kill me, I’ll owe you a favor.”
  Harry: “That’s better.”

• I sure hope Harry kills Mad Dog and then screams at him for breaking the deal.
• They actually had a shot of Mad Dog punching Harry in the face while someone else held him up and by the third punch Mad Dog accidentally punches the other guy and both Mad Dog and Harty look stunned. Just like Robin Williams’ Popeye.
• Harry of course wins but he just asks Mad Dog to yield. It was supposed to be to the death Harry!
• Mad Dog remarks to some lady that he doesn’t even know what yield means. I find that really hard to believe coming from Mad Dog.
• See, I love Mad Dog. He’s drinking from a traditional flip-top Bavarian stein.
• These actors are having way too much fun.
• I just realized that, so far in this 2 hour movie about an alien invasion, there has only been maybe 10 minutes of scenes with aliens.
• With those sunglasses on Mad Dog reminds me of Wolfman Jack.
• This movie’s comedy is all over the place. Harry tells Mad Dog to meet them somewhere in 5 minutes and Mad Dog says he doesn’t have a watch. Harry then offers Mad Dog his watch. Mad Dog is pleased. Then Dana tells Harry that now he doesn’t have a watch and Mad Dog offers Harry “his” watch. I guess I’m behind in figuring out that movie is supposed to be somewhat of a comedy. Not a good one but it‘s trying. It‘s really trying.
• So now Mad Dog and his girlfriend have to count up to 3,000? I know I’m horrible at math but isn’t that 50 minutes? Is that part of a joke?

• And while the girlfriend counts up they make love. It’s adorable.
• I don’t know if I should be impressed or not that this film even attempted a chase scene between a flying alien ship and Mad Dog’s sports car.
• I can’t understand most of what the alien VO is saying to our heroes. Something about giving themselves up but I also heard they will be terminated. 
• The creator of the weapon is actually still alive and living in the basement of the factory. What’s he been living on?!
• So the older Harry’s VO tells us that he is heartbroken that the creator, Hoffenstein, shows him the weapon but it’s an empty room. A few seconds later, the floor opens up to reveal the actual weapon. That was one hilarious and time-wasting way of trying to provide a twist. A real twist would be that Hoffenstein shows him a tiny gun or box that is attached to a larger item under the floor. Dumb movie.
• I know he was probably not going to waste his time with this but Hoffenstein should’ve been played by Jeffrey Combs. He looks a little like him too.
• Mad Dog figures out the whole solution to operating the machine! Instead of getting the alien genetic code to program into the machine to kill all of them, Mad Dog tells him to put in everything NOT to be destroyed and program the machine in reverse. But that’s way harder to get every single other Earth animal and plant form so not to eradicate them. It’s like Noah’s Ark—it’s just not possible.
• Oh, so Hoffenstein tells the computer to run a scan on all life forms on Earth. Easy-peasy.
• Is Hoffenstein talking to the computer through a normal-looking fusebox?
• Mad Dog is just as annoyed that the aliens destroyed his car as much as his lady. He’s not having a good day.
• Again, the alien “make-up” is just a rubber mask. Some didn’t even bother shaving their beards that you can see on the bottom half of their faces. I’ve seen middle school plays less amateurish.
• The computer finishes it’s Earth-wide scan and Hoffenstein yells activate and the weapon starts disintegrating the aliens in superb stop motion wax melting. If this was made by a group of kids I’d say it’s impressive.

• Now Harry is ranting about the start of a new civilization and everyone else leaves him during his speech.
• According to the credits the metal songs were performed by Bomber. And since I can’t find any information about them on the interwebs I’m assuming they are friends of the filmmakers. 
• I can’t believe this movie has a sequel…

Was it Entertaining:

Final Thoughts: I wish I had more time to revisit this (no I really don‘t) but I remember it was kinda fun back when I watched it 2 years ago. I didn’t include this or its sequel because it wasn‘t horror but it was still entertaining enough to keep my notes to include it at another time. I probably made the mistake of taking it too seriously for the first half until it really got obviously self-aware and silly and by that time I was having fun with it. That‘s about it. check it out if you want some dumb sci-fi fun. Especially for Mad Dog!

Score: 4 Rubber Aliens (out of 10)