Breeders (1986)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

Coordinates: Horny alien bugs want to breed with human women who are nude at most times of day. The women, not the aliens. Or both. The lighting was bad.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Remember when New York was nothing but hookers? Thanks, Obama.
• If you ever see an old man walking a dog at night, he’s likely a Breeder, as this poor prostitute just learned the hard way but not the hard way she usually gets paid for but actually yeah I guess it was because he apparently banged her and left her bloody.
• This has a porny vibe, especially when it comes to the acting.
• No traces of semen, just a thick black substance. Is that not what everyone else’s looks like??
• The victims of the Breeders were virgins? So that woman who was totally a hooker wasn’t actually a hooker? Hookers sure have changed since my day.
• This model is skipping lunch instead of looking fat for the rest of her bikini shoot. I mean, that’s just good thinking.
• Ahhh, instead of going for Thai with the rest of the crew she went to her dressing room and had Colombian.
• Why did she take off all her clothes to do yoga? This scene is kind of gratuitous, even for me.
• Is the Misfits song “Hate Breeders” about their dislike for this movie?

• So do the Breeders just kind of like infect random dudes that are in close proximity to pretty ladies? I don’t understand how this works at all and doubt I will even if they spend 20 minutes explaining it with charts and graphs.
• This Breeder gore scene is even more gratuitous than the nude yoga. I’m having mixed feelings which one was more titillating.
• Haha, man these Breeders are gross. They look like giant fly slugs mixed with one of those dogs that look like a black mop that was used to clean up after a redneck spilled his chewing tobacco spit cup.

• The woman who plays this doctor might be the worst actress in Schlocktoberfest or PornHub history.
• So the Breeders aren’t killing these ladies, just Breedering them.
• The model girl was named Corinza? I think that’s a shitty Costa Rican beer.
• There’s an old crazy homeless woman that looks like Mel Brooks 50 years from now and I don’t advocate for it but if she got Breedered it would be pretty funny.
• They cut away from a Breeder doing something to her and then her mouth is bleeding. I guess it was just a blowjob?
• The model photographer and the cop investigating the Breederings had a conversation about the guy who turned into a Breeder and the photographer says he couldn’t have done it because he’s gay? At least I think that’s what they were talking about?
• And here’s the nurse getting fully nude in the middle of her kitchen. Oh, the kitchen and her shower are in the same room. It’s like when Kramer prepped all his food in the shower.

“He’s a Breeder! He’s a Breeder! A Breeder! Look there’s a Breeder!”

• Her boyfriend comes into her apartment and scares her. “You were invited over for a New England Boiled Dinner.” Weirdest slang term for anal sex I’ve ever heard.
• Well shit it’s a Breeder. It must have heard about the New England Boiled Dinner too. It seems they’re always after clams.
• So the photographer is like the main character now? This movie is more all over the place than a Breeder’s slimy wiener.
• The lights go out in her apartment, so she has to go all the way to the basement to fix the breaker. Isn’t that the landlord’s job?
• Well, she just got Breedered, so maybe she’s not the main character. Now there isn’t one. I’m sure they’ll introduce some other random chick in a second.
• Oh by the way, it doesn’t really seem like the Breeders are aliens, just monsters. Maybe they’ll explain it later, but I have serious doubts. But if it’s not about aliens, it won’t apply to our space theme! I guess I’ll file it under our ironclad “FUCK IT” policy.
• I guess the Breeders are subterranean creatures from underneath the city? And the doctor who examined Breeder jizz under a microscope recognized brick dust in there as being from tunnels under Manhattan. So alien/subterranean rape bugs I can believe, but that brick forensics bullshit is outrageous.

Ah, clearly from the tunnels underneath the Cornhole Hall of Fame Building in Duluth.

• “I have a tortured history with men.” I’d call that a red flag.
• Is this Traci Lords?
• Yep, here’s a completely different broad. I guess she’s protagonist number 19 here. Oh and she got topless. It’s not even fun at this point.
• She’s arguing on the phone with her mother and says she’s going to take a bath, but as she says this she’s putting a shirt on. Maybe she’s just washing her feet.
• So a rapist breaks in, which of course.
• He wants to play “Button,” which means for every zipper she unzips, she has to unbutton a button. He’s wearing a jacket and jeans, so that’s two zippers. She has at least five buttons on the shirt she put on to take a bath in, so I guess he’s going to leave pretty disappointed.
• How did he even know a woman lived there?
• Anyway, a Breeder interrupts their game of Button. I guess it didn’t care for the competition, and has no time for games.

The reigning Button world champion.

• The Breedered women are getting out of their hospital beds and stripping and heading down to the tunnels, which I guess are right underneath the hospital or someone definitely would have raped them if they had to go out in the street.
• The brick doctor is sitting with Corinza when she gets up and he just watches her go. He’s a shitty doctor and guardian, but an amazing brick detective.
• There are probably more scenes of a woman slowly walking while fully nude in this than in Lifeforce (coming soon!). I didn’t think that was possible.
• The first time we’ve really seen a Breeder in full and it looks embarrassing, like a gimp outfit with giant Willy Wonka sunglasses. And nothing like what was teased before.

BETTER DEAD THAN BRED

• Oh there’s the Mel Brooks lady, I guess she was food for the brood.
• Dr. Brick just said “alien life force” that came to Earth as a spore, so the theme is intact!
• So I guess some unclean non-virgin had a Breeder spawn that has a toothy vertical vagina mouth and Sloth eyes. Kinda cute.
• I guess Dr. Brick was a Breeder all along? I’m really not sure how any of this works, as I tried to tell you before. The cop and the lady doctor are in the tunnels watching Dr. Brick transform and their expressions are like they’re watching a mediocre episode of Antiques Roadshow.

“oh no look at these horrors how will we ever survive this we are so frightened”

• Dr. Brick’s head explodes to reveal Brundlefly underneath. The lady doctor continues to act like she’s checking out the varieties of caulk at Home Depot.
• So there happens to be a gas can lying around so the cop sets Dr. Brick on fire, then they come up with an elaborate power line scheme to kill the women who are like bathing in a space clam full of space clam jizz. Why not also set them on fire? Or shoot them?
• Then they electrocute them and it ends in three seconds. What a thrill.
• I bet they go make sweet love and it turns out the cop is a Breeder.
• That’s precisely what happens.
• Wait, I think, did she just dream that? The camera is pulling up from her in the bed, no Breeder around. Did she dream the whole movie? Did I? Are YOU dreaming THIS?? Yes.

Scare Stars: It’s as scary as that scene in The Fly when Seth takes a break and watches TV for a few minutes.

Gore Galaxy: There’s a fair amount of goos of all colors.

Nudity Nebula: Possibly a little too much, if that’s possible. There’s so much random nudity it seems to be what attracts the Breeders. It’s like these aliens don’t understand that fully clothed sex is far, far better.

Space Vacuum: Zero. If Dr. Brick hadn’t said that one line about them being aliens they would just be subterranean monsters. But then again, wouldn’t we all?

Best Transmission: “This is the kind of case that makes me want to kill every man ever born.” – the doctor lady

Best Visual: Show me another movie that pulls off a group of nude hypnotized women bathing in an alien clam full of alien baby batter so well. Maybe Cocoon.

I thin Gwyneth Paltrow sells this anti-aging goop.

Worst Visual: The early glimpses of the Breeders seem pretty gross and cool but when they’re fully revealed they look like a garbage bag full of brick dust and homeless shit.

Universally: Here’s another of those pictures where they had a pretty decent idea and quickly discovered they had no money with which to execute it but they did know a bunch of community theater actresses who would work for coke and didn’t mind getting naked as long as they were high on coke. It’s not a complete waste of time but you will most definitely feel that your time has been wasted. Maybe instead of watching this movie I can interest you in a game of Button?

Analysis: 2.5 New England Boiled Dinners (out of 10)