The Mutilator (1985)
What’s It About: I think The Mutilator is some kind of amusement park ride that makes you break your neck and drown? Oh wait, that’s The Devastator. It’s a real soul-shattering experience:
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- This kid’s ultimate birthday gift to his dad is to clean his guns. What a cheap fuck.
- How many god damn shotguns does one man need? There are like eight in that case.
- That unlocked case full of loaded guns. Smooth move Ex-Lax.
- How do we know the gun is loaded? Because this numbnuts pulls the trigger and accidentally shoots his mom through a door in the hack while she’s baking. Well, at least the gun is clean.
- His dad comes home, throws the kid down, then props his wife’s corpse up and gives her a sip of whiskey. He’s taking this well.
- There are few things sexier than a girl chewing gum with her mouth open. Maybe smoking while drenched in fish roe.
- More like The MutilaBORE!
- I’m pretty sure the blonde guy friend is some kind of golem.
- “Fall Break?” This sounds like a song Randy Newman would come up with if he was flying on quaaludes and his son shot him in the back but he lived and had to depend on painkillers and was 80% brain dead and his fingers didn’t work not because they couldn’t but because they refused to. FALL BREAK!
- I’m getting a vibe that this was filmed in Canada and if so I’m DONE, EH! (actually, it’s North Carolina, the Canada of the South)
- So they go to Ed’s dad’s lake/beach house and there’s booze bottles everywhere because he knows how to fucking party and Ed and his lame friends do not.
- His dad is sleeping in the basement or garage, I guess?
- Ok we’ve spent about 45 minutes going over his dad’s hunting trophies and shit. WE GET IT HE’S GOING TO KILL YOU ALL.
- Oh the golem and his girl are going to get it even though he’s made of stone.
- Either it’s morning or the police have the cabin surrounded and are blasting floodlights through the windows?
- So far this movie is like Weekend at Bernie’s without the killing or interest.
- Why would two college kids say, “Make love?”
- So far this is as dull as a soggy potato chip.
- This girl’s nipples look like she has two globs of vegemite on her chest.
- How does the golem not see the Mutilator carry his girlfriend’s body out of the pool they were in?
- The golem gets a small outboard motor to the chest and even acts like stone during his death.
- Why did the Mutilator just kill this place’s equivalent of Chief Brody? What is the Mutilator’s motivation here? Mutivation?
- Wow this may be the most boring slasher movie I’ve ever seen. And I know I say that a lot, but come on.
- Does anybody want to play UNO or something? I have to pass the time someway here.
- Why are these college kids playing hide and seek? Shouldn’t they be playing hide the snake?
- This fucking dude’s chest hair looks like a Rorschach test. And I see some kind of vampire dog.
- You know that feeling when you’re over an hour into a movie and it feels like it’s barely started, and not in a good way?
- Ok, a giant fishhook through the vagina. Was not expecting that. I’d absolutely classify that as a mutilation. And my mutilation standards are high.
- So Ed’s girlfriend just kind of nonchalantly stabs his dad in the chest. The end? NO! A team of sea lions attacks!! I wish…
- The car won’t start. I hate horror movies.
- The Mutilator is cut in half by being pinned between a car and a wall, but still manages to hack a cop’s leg off. Now I’m no doctor, but that would totally work.
- FALL BRRRREEEEEEAAAAAAK!!!
Scare Level: Virtually nonexistent. a few jump scares are tried but telegraphed, like an old drunk with his telegraph machine.
Gore Level: Even though I’ve watched a lot of mediocre horror pictures this year, most of them have had some pretty decent gore (except one, which we won’t discuss again), and this is no exception. although two of the kills involved drowning, the Mutilator being cut in half at the end and then cutting the cop’s leg off was say magnifeek.
Nudity Level: You know, for a movie about a group of college kids going to a cabin for FALL BRRRRREEEEEEAAAAAK not a whole lot. Just a little bit of the golem’s girlfriend’s globes when they went skinny dippy in the pool that had too much chlorine but they did it anyway.
Best Line: Golem: “The pool is full of chlorine.”
Golem’s girl: “Is that bad?”
Golem: “No. In fact it’s supposed to prevent herpes.”
Golem’s girl: “I didn’t know I had to worry about that…”
Best Scene: Thoroughly enjoyable death scenes are all this movie has going for it, so just watch this compilation and walk away.
Worst Scene: The film never circles back to explain to kids watching how to properly clean your dad’s guns without accidentally shooting your mom in the back.
Overall: Some nice kills like the weedwhacker, ladyparts fishhook, and cop chop, but everything in between is as boring as watching an old man sleeping off a bender at the loneliest beach in the Carolinas. Ed accidentally killing his mom at the beginning was an interesting premise, but it never amounted to anything whatsoever. It really didn’t matter in the slightest that it was his dad who was the killer, Ed was just running from him like everyone else and had nothing to do with his death, and not even like any sort of face off moment with his dad at all. AT ALL! so seriously you can just watch that kills clip above and get all you’re going to get out of this.
Score: 3.5 Hoo-Ha Hooks (out of 10)
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