Guns of El Chupacabra (1997)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: No one knows, not even the director or the chupacabra. It is an experiment in “Zen Filmmaking,” which apparently means, “Stuff peyote up your ass then roll a dumptruck tire over your head then turn on the video camera and do whatever, as long as it’s completely incoherent.”

Here are some of my observations mystified questions as I watched the film:

• WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON ALREADY?

• How did this movie even get on our radar?

• Is that Repo Man from WWF?

• Why did El Chupacabra, El Santo, and Repo Man kidnap some blonde broad?

• Why does Jack B. Quick Space Ranger have to buy weapons off of a militia man out of the back of his car?

• I HATE THIS AND MAYBE I HATE MYSELF?

• Why are these three assholes walking through the woods for 10 minutes?

• How ironic is it that Zen Filmmaking is making me so fucking angry?

• Why is there public domain rock music playing over this scene of two agents having dialogue in a car?

• Who is Jack B. Quick fighting and why?

• Why are there cutaways to a random chick in the mall?
  

• Robert Z’Dar, what are you talking about? Who are you talking to?

• Why is Jack B. Quick fighting a ninja on top of a building?

• Why is this blonde girl dead now? Why didn’t she speak?

• Why am I still alive at this point?
• Why does this have a 5.7 on IMDb?

• Why is David Heavener in this?

• What is everyone shooting at all the time?
  
  

  “What are we shooting at? What are we killing here?” “Our careers?”

• Daniel Day Lewis??

• Why has nothing happened?

• Is that blonde wearing a merkin?

• Who the fuck are these people?

• Why is this in 4.4 aspect ratio?

• Where does El Chupacabra keep getting these girls and why?

• Have I ever seen anything that made less sense and had less structure to it?

• Why hasn’t El Chupacabra sucked on any goats?
  
  

  Will you do me next?

• What kind of loving god would allow this movie to exist?

Scare Level: If you died and this was the last movie you ever saw, that’s a pretty frightening thought.

Gore Level: I don’t remember any of the 62,000 shots fired ever hitting anything.

Nudity Level: Julie Strain topless yet again, then the random blonde woman who walks around naked for a really long time, which becomes kind of uncomfortable.

Best Line: I don’t recall any dialogue.

Best Scene: All scenes were very bad. The only scenes worth their weight in chupacabra piss were when recognizable beloved schlock actors were onscreen, like Julie Strain, Robert Z’Dar, Joe Estevez, and David Heavener.

Worst Scene: Starting with “Guns” and ending in “Chupacabra” and everything in between.

Overall: Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have found this year’s Things and Satan War. There really isn’t that much to say about it. It’s 90 minutes of people shooting guns at something offscreen, with a few news reports about nothing shoehorned in and some dialogue from Joe Estevez as Rocket Ranger Dan Danger that seems like it belongs in another shitty movie starring Joe Estevez. It’s one of the worst movies I’ve ever seen, possibly the very worst. And it goes to show that just because you can make a movie doesn’t mean you should.

Astonishingly, there was a sequel to this festering pile of goat shit called Guns of El Chupacabra II: The Unseen, and it will remain that way.

Score: 0.5 Suckings of a Goat (out of 10)