What’s It About: Some crazy asshole that eats people on a Greek island.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- A Video Nasty that starts off with music that sounds like Scott Joplin. Ok.
- This couple is speaking German without any subtitles. I’ve checked the audio settings in my video file and they’re good – did I get a bad copy of this?
- Nice Jaws rip-off here.
- The girl is killed while swimming in the ocean while her boyfriend is lying on the beach. Even though he’s wearing headphones instead of being drunk, this seems familiare.
- Whatever killed the girl swims to the beach and plants a meat cleaver right in the boyfriend’s face. Must be a land shark.
- Serena Grandi plays Maggie in this film, and I just spent twenty minutes watching some of her hardcore stuff. If you think I’m shirking my responsibilities for this review, you may be right.
- I am seriously considering adding this soundtrack to my Pandora.
- The people that were used to overdub the on-screen actors are making this movie sound like a shitty 80’s camping movie.
- Why would these idiots bring a woman who is thirty minutes away from giving birth on vacation with them?
- The movie Wind didn’t have this much goddamn sailing in it.
- Maggie plays with Tarot cards and comes up schnides – that can’t bode well.
- This is really boring character development.
- Ellen Sandweiss in Evil Dead had a much more powerful scene with a deck of cards than this chick.
- Land ho! Thank fuck, I was about to make a Christopher Cross reference.
- Maggie injures her ankle in a way that only a lousy actress could.
- Thanks to some poorly overdubbed breathing; this long shot becomes a POV.
- I just realized that this is my second Video Nasty where all of the carnage takes place on a remote Greek island.
- The creepy woman in black writes, “Go Away” on a dirty window to warn the gang who are exploring the town. Good idea, I’m gonna go watch more of Serena Grandi’s Italian erotica. Per me va bene.
- A half-eaten body falls on the floor. Finally, nothing’s really happened for the past half hour.
- Who knew the Captain’s head would be in the bucket? I did.
- The soundtrack here is very reminiscent of Yes’ “Machine Messiah.”
- Maggie is being dragged off shot by the land shark.
- Not like anyone could notice, but there was another huge delay here in my review because I couldn’t take this ancient pan and scan AVI file anymore, and had to switch to a widescreen MKV file. See? I do care.
- The kitten who walks across the piano is better than most musicians today.
- A crazy blood soaked bitch in a nightie is slashing out like crazy! OK.
- The aforementioned crazy bitch is actually blind and is hiding from a madman who, according to her; smells of blood. Wonderful.
- Stupid and wounded Danny seems to not understand that the Florence Nightingale syndrome works the other way around.
- If I may reference the Evil Dead once again, with all of the time watching Carol and Julie running through the woods – you would at least hope that the trees would come to life and attack them.
- The soundtrack now sounds like the music to those pinball machine cartoon sequences on The Electric Company. Maybe I wont clutter my Pandora with it after all.
- It took a mere 52 minutes to see what the killer of this fucking movie looked like.
- Anthropophagus bites out Danny’s throat. George Eastman at his finest folks, give it up.
- Crazy woman in black (Ruth) pulls a full-on Damian’s babysitter and hangs herself in front of everyone.
- Since Anthropophagus is becoming too tedious to type, he shall now be referred to as Klaus. It’s a good thing they found his journal to justify his nomenclature.
- There is way too much walking and talking now for a movie of this reputation.
- Arnold finds a church full of dead bodies, and nothing happens.
- Hey, Maggie’s back!
- Julie finds a room full of partially eaten bodies, thus completely negating Arnold’s scene from two bullet points ago.
- Here it is folks – the infamous scene where Klaus rips out and eats Maggie’s unborn child. It kinda makes you yearn for Patricia the piss drinker from Island of Death doesn’t it? I told y’all motherfuckers there would be a connection.
- How did Klaus slit Carol’s throat? There was no set up.
- Julie and the blind girl flee to the attic, ‘cause ya know – that always works.
- Is it funny or sad when a blind girl talks too loud and gives away your hiding place?
- Klaus partially rips off blind girl’s scalp, bites her throat, and then takes a header off of the roof. Sure, now it gets exciting.
- Andy finally shows up to save Julie by stabbing Klaus in the stomach with a pickaxe. Naturally, his guts begin to pour out and in a final act of defiance – Klaus eats his own intestines before he dies.
- You can’t ask for a better ending/observation that that can you?
Scare Level: This one’s a quasi-splatterfest so if gore scares you, then yeah. I haven’t been scared once over the past 50 or so movies I’ve done here. For Schlocktoberfest 2018 I’m reviewing nothing but the old Emmanuelle movies, just so I can replace every entry pertaining to horror with bush factor. Which can be kind of scary if you think about it.
Gore Level: It is sparsely used, but when it does show up, Jiminy Cricket!
Nudity Level: Barely any. A quick shot of Klaus’ wife’s breast, and that’s pretty much it.
Best Line: “I don’t see my friend’s boat anywhere.” “Well, they’re probably out in it.” – thanks a payload Sherlock.
Best Scene: The ones on Pornhub containing Serena Grandi’s more entertaining highlight reels.
Worst Scene: The ones that didn’t have any gore in them.
Overall: A very boring/tedious Video Nasty. If all of the gore was cut this could have been released as a travel agency promo for the Greek islands. I’m beginning to think that some of the people responsible for classifying these movies to be banned, must have fallen asleep and been told to do so when they woke up.
Score: 4 Skinned Rabbits In Lieu Of Human Fetuses (out of 10)