(basically from my “Hidden Gems” year, I suppose)

Intruder (1989)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The staff at a crappy grocery store get the shock of their lives when they must contend with… working overnight!!! 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Renee Estevez! She can’t be worse than her uncle Joe.

• Lot of Evil Dead people in this, so it’s probably better than the Evil Dead remake.

• Pretty shitty supermarket. They would have been much better off if they casted James Karen and it was set in a Pathmark.

• I assume this is one of those they could only shoot at this store between 1-4 am kind of things.

• A street tough named Craig is bothering his ex, Jennifer, one of the lady checkout girls. You would think they are setting Craig up to be the titular Intruder, but if you watched the trailer or saw any of the posters it’s obviously one of either a red herring or a fugazi, or both.

Oh look, there he is. Although I have no idea what the golem in the back is supposed to be. And I could’ve sworn the girl was Kristy Swanson.

• Several staff and customers try to beat Craig’s ass blue and he runs to the bowels of the store. That’s pretty funny that they all teamed up to kick the shit out of him, but he’s like an angsty terminator.

• Brad and I are having a vicious argument whether this stock boy is Sam or Ted Raimi.

• Ah there’s Ted. You can tell because there always looks like there’s something really wrong with him.

• So after a few boring minutes, they catch Craig and throw him out. Well that’s that I guess.

• Bad news! The grocery store is being sold, so these kids will have to find jobs that are equally as shitty.

• Everything’s on sale for half price tomorrow, I do not think that’s how retail and corporations work. Pepsi isn’t just going to let anyone sell their shit for half just because.

• Brad points out that product placement alone must have cost the production a fortune.

• As a Garden Stater it’s always weird seeing grocery stores that sell liquor. But it’s weirder that ours don’t. I think it has something to do with the mob. Or witches.

• They have to literally go around and change the price sticker on every single product in the store. Why not just put up a big sign that says “Everything in the store 1/2 off marked price”?

Yeah like that.

• Renee Estevez it seemingly stabbed in the parking lot. Still the best actor in that family.

• I think this is the same supermarket from Raising Arizona. They even tell the same head and sandwich story.

• The store manager gets a spindle in the eye. That’s gonna be a lot of paperwork.

• So Jennifer is now making out and laughing with another dude from the store. Maybe now’s not the time. At least in like the Friday the 13th series the horny teens were more spread out and unaware of what was going on. I doubt most girls would be jovial and turned on right after their wacko ex creeped her out and tried to beat up an entire store.

• There’s an eyeball in a jar of olives. It makes no sense that the Intruder would do it because he didn’t have time, so maybe it was a mistake at the cannery?

• One kid gets stabbed through the gut in the beer cooler and the blade goes into the same generic beer from Repo Man.

• The stoner stockboy’s head gets crushed in the cardboard crusher. That’s the kind of content I’m looking for.

• And Sam Raimi gets hung on a meathook. This is after he finds a packaged severed hand. Again, when did the Intruder have time to do this?

• Why are there a bunch of Halloween masks in the attic? Is the store going to be a Spirit Halloween 10 minutes after it closes?

• The manager who got the spindle in the eye is now in the attic, somehow, and still alive, also somehow.

• Jennifer should try maybe going out the front door.

• She’s running around finding all the bodies, placed in strategic positions that, once more, the Intruder would have no time for.

• THE FRONT DOOR IS RIGHT THERE. GROCERY STORES HAVE MANY DOORS.

• The hillbilly guy from Evil Dead II is revealed as the killer, as the trailer plainly gave away. That means Craig isn’t the killer, just a complete sociopath.

• The title Intruder makes no sense at all. This guy wasn’t an intruder, he owned half the store. That’s like saying I’m an intruder in my own house when I own 19% of it. Apparently it was supposed to be called The Night Crew, which would have made sense. It definitely should’ve been called Slashing Prices.

• How did Intruder get outside??

• Intruder beats Craig (to death?) with the manager’s head. If only the previous 90 minutes been as fun.

• Craig hacks Intruder with a knife, then Bruce Campbell comes to arrest them and they take the rap. I’m always a big fan of twists that you don’t really care about.

Final Thoughts: This is fine. As you can see, I didn’t have a whole lot to say about it. It was just good enough to hold my attention but not dumb enough to make much fun of. Despite the obvious Raimi influence there’s nothing really special here. I’m not sure who cares about the plight of the closing supermarket and its bland employees but it’s not this cold-hearted reviewer. While the kills and gore are good to great, you watch it fairly bored until the next kill comes. Just like real life. 

Score: 5.5 Percent Off Gently Used Pepsi Products (out of 10)