Alison’s Birthday (1981)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: After a seance that goes awry, it’s been foretold that something terrible will happen to Alison on her 19th birthday. Fast-Forward to nearly of her 19th birthday and yes, in fact, some terrible stuff goes down.

This is a left-over entry from Schlocktoberfest 666: Schlock of the Beast

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Three Australian school girls are making a Ouija bound that they made with Scrabble letters in a circle. Me and my friends tried to capture a demon with Mousetrap but it didn’t work. Obviously.

• The Yes Button? You mean the scrabble tile you wrote YES on?

• The spirit’s name is Alison too? What a co-inky-dink.

• Hahaha. One of the girls is possessed by a spirit warning the titular Alison to get away from “them” before her 19th birthday and violently making things move in the room. The wall unit ultimately kills the possessed girl when it falls on her. They should’ve used a wall unit anchor screw.

Diagonally. Pretty sneaky sis.

• Saddest birthday music ever.

• KISS’ Rock and Roll Over album signing in this record shop! Calling Dr. Love indeed.

• Now Alison is 18 years, 11 months and 26 days old. The movie didn’t state the minutes so I’m not sure.

• The actress playing Alison is the same gal who played Mad Max’s wife in the first film! Which is odd considering Mad Max was made 2 years older than this film and like I said, she played Max’s wife and now she’s playing an 18-year-old.

• So Alison works in a record shop and her boyfriend works in a radio station. That’s damn near perfect innit?

• These 18-year-olds are just falling asleep watching crime shows on TV. Why aren’t they trying to fuck like normal 18-year-olds?

• That’s right, who gives a hot shit about ones’ 19th birthday?

• But Alison’s aunt Jenny is laying on the guilt trip thick by saying her uncle is near death and wants to see her for her bday.

• Alison actually remember’s when the possessed friend of hers from the beginning warning her not to return home on her 19th birthday. Usually in these schlock features the main character would forget such a prophecy.

• Although I’m sure Alison is not going to heed the warning anyway so this how “I shouldn’t go home” dialogue is all for naught.

• Is Alison’s boyfriend, Pete, driving a dune buggy? It looks like a very long golf cart. I’ve never seen a car like it. Looks homemade with spare deck furniture parts. Well this flick is Australian so I should be used to seeing odd and homemade vehicles in their films.

Big race, big race today! Who put the anti-freeze in my carburetor? Yuck! Blech!

• No wonder Pete’s back is bothering him after driving that shitbox.

• Man, this movie is dragging. I just watched Alison walking around her Aunt and Uncle’s yard for what feels like 4 minutes with no dialogue or music.

• There’s a Stonehenge in Alison’s aunt and uncle’ backyard! No druids dwelling around though. I wonder if they got that at Home Goods.

• Kinda hard to be ominous and scary with a Stonehenge surrounded by Weeping Willows.

• This movie is daring me to fall asleep. And quickly!

• A miniature Stonehenge! In danger of being crushed by a dwarf! Why is it such a cliché that Stonehenge is evil? Is it the mystery behind it or something? I’ve been there and it’s not that spooky or ominous. If the Druids were also evil and powerful with magic then why did they seemingly vanish off the face of the earth?

• So the main theory about Stonehenge is it’s an ancient observatory. Possibly, but why would the Druids build something made for observing with those gigantically heavy stones when they could’ve built the same structure with wood? Sorry, my mind is wandering because this movie is so dull.

…But where are they now?

• They make Alison drink something. Ugh. This feels just like an Australian Rosemary’s Baby but instead of pregnant Rosemary it’s teenaged Alison. Yaaaaawnnnnn.

• So they are trying to convince Alison that the very old crone in the wheelchair that spooked Alison in the middle of the night is her 103-year-old great grandmother from England that flown in to celebrate Alison’s 19th birthday. Totally seems legit.

• Grandmother Thorn?!

• So if there’s a 103-year-old that flew in from England and the trip exhausted her that she needs a few days rest, why did Aunt Jenny coax Alison back home for her birthday by saying her Uncle was ill? Wouldn’t Grandma Thorn have been more than enough reason? Shit, I’m thinking too much aren’t I?

• In the morning, Alison’s aunt asks her if she slept alright. You mean besides the frightening great grandmother trying to poke her in her bed? Yeah slept like a baby.

• I’m going to doze off in less than 2 minutes with this film’s pacing.

• A Stone Circle? Why is she skirting around the fact that it’s a small Stonehenge? If my family had a small Stonehenge in their yard I would totally be bragging about it.

• This scene Alison and Pete are lying on the couch chatting. The very previous scene was her and him lying on a beach chatting. I can’t wait to see where they chat next.

• If the flick is going to have countless moments of needless chatter, the least they can do is have more meaningful or interesting dialogue or at least feature some boobs.

• So the uncle tries to dissuade Pete from hogging Alison when she’s visiting her family. Especially on her birthday which is just family only. Pete flatly refuses. The uncle tells him that he’s in a situation that he can’t comprehend. Way to be discreet Uncle Dean.

• The next scene Alison is arguing with her aunt and uncle about having Pete at the party. This is just dumb.

• Why is Alison not questioning her aunt Jenny’s “Tonic” that she keeps pushing her to drink before bed?

• Holy shit, we’re halfway through with this movie! Nothing much as happened yet and I’m shocked this didn’t feel like eternity like usual.

• Hahaha. Druids. Or Satanists. You decide. I’ve given up.

• What would’ve they all done if Alison refused to come back home?

• Alison is dreaming or seeing the past when Grandmother Thorn accepted whatever spirit or demon into her soul and possessed her life. Typical Druid Stonehenge party.

• Every Crom-damned shirt Uncle Dean wears is a large tunic-like shirt almost like a hooded sweatshirt with the center pouch pocket but in different colors. He mist own dozens of these.

• Omigawd, will something interesting happen….PLEASE!

• Is Pete breaking into Alison’s Aunt and Uncle’s house? Mighty bold.

• Still waiting for something, anything to happen.

• As Pete and Alison are trying to leave the house, they are confronted by Aunt Jenny, Uncle Dean and the doctor who was called when Alison was fatigued earlier. The Doctor somehow tranquilizes them both and they bring Alison back to her bed.

• Now they hypnotized Alison and brainwashed her against Pete. Same thing happened to my old girlfriends.

Don’t worry. I’m a highly Koalafied doctor.

• Luckily, Pete has a friend who’s into witchcraft, I’m sure she’ll be able to help. However, the emblem that Alison and her family’s cult have on their necklaces baffles her. So she can’t be that into witchcraft.

• The Mirna Cult doesn’t sound that ominous or veil at all. AT ALL. In fact it sounds like an old ladies baking club or something.

• Pete thinks he finds the newspaper announcement of Alison and writes down Baker than a (?) next to it, then he triple underlines the word Baker.

• He then reads a bunch of headlines that a baby disappears from the same hospital just days after Alison’s birth. And then a headline regarding the car accident that claimed both of the Bakers. Not sure that he’s fully convinced yet though.

• A Mirna Cult lackey tells the doctor that Pete has been snooping around the hospital trying to find out Alison’s birth history and the Doctor tells him to kill Pete. Why didn’t they just take Pete hostage in the first place. They were being too nice and were hoping he would stay away from his girlfriend when he suspects her family is going to do something to harm her.

• But instead of killing him outright, the lackey posts a note on Pete’s car warning him to stay away from Alison. Then Pete sees the lackey and chases him in his car to a cemetery. What’s Pete motive here? Does he plan on beating that guy up? He’s way in over his head.

• Pete is being terrorized in a cemetery by what looks, to me, to be waiters in tuxedos with pitchforks.

Nah Mate. That’s not a pitchfork. THIS is a pitchfork!

• Attaboy Pete! Before they impale Pete with the pitchfork (why a pitchfork?!) Pete says that the Alison was the wrong baby stolen from the hospital and that he has the records to prove it. When they let him go he attacks them and is able to escape.

• Hahaha. Pete’s witchcraft friend’s name is Sally Brown.

• Sally Brown sure did get a lot of information in a quick afternoon about the Mirna Cult and their recent history. Obviously, they want Alison’s body to transfer the spirit of Mirna from Grandma Thorn who’s getting too old now. Pretty standard stuff really.

• It just dawned on me that we barely have seen Alison in this flick. For the last 40 minutes she’s been basically stuck in her room in bed. This should’ve been called Pete vs. His Girlfriend’s Cult Family.

• Hahaha. Pete stole a crucifix from a church and was caught red-handed by the priest and had to run away. Not sure why that was shown in the film.

• Still not sure why the cult members are wearing bow-ties and tuxedos when they are wearing druid cloaks.

• So it’s just Pete to Alison’s rescue against dozens of cult members. He’s armed with a small pistol and a crucifix. Not sure how much he’ll accomplish.

• Alison tells Pete to throw throw cross at them. Moments later he trips running with her and tells her to take the gun and save herself. But she tells him he was a fool to throw away the cross because she’s not Alison anymore and shoots Pete. Poor Pete.

• Now the family is talking to Grandma Thorn and she slowly realizes that she’s Alison now.

• The subtitles now tell us: Alison — 104 years old. But she doesn’t look a day over 97.

Was it Entertaining:

Final Thoughts: Slow. Boring. Unoriginal. It’s essentially an Australian version of every satanic cult movie from Rosemary’s Baby to The Devil’s Rain. Nothing new to see here and much less interesting. I would at least cared more if this acted more Australian, showing its awesome landscape or scenery. Hell, they basically transported British-style stuff (Stonehenge & Grandma Thorn) to Australia for nothing. If they did something with Australian lore, myths or even Aboriginal mysticism than that would’ve been something. Don’t bother with this one mates.

Score: 3 Pitchfork-armed Druids (out of 10)