Hellbound (1994)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: Chuck Norris and his annoying partner have to…. umm… save, something, or… someone… from theeeee… devil??

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The very last Cannon film! We’re in for a shit-tasting treat!

• Nice Star Wars scroll. This makes less sense than the scroll for Rise of Skywalker.

• Directed by Aaron Norris? Chuck’s grandfather?

• Nice job showing power lines during this scene of medieval England. Or maybe they had power back then, I’m no history buff. 

• There’s some kind of baby sacrifice involving a dildo, I don’t know, again, I’m no history buff.

• This evil dude’s eyeballs look just like Kermit the Frog and it’s hysterical.

• They bury Kermit alive in a tomb. Why didn’t they just chop off his head, cut out his heart, and set him on fire?

• So the beginning seemingly took place in England, but now these Middle Eastern dudes find the tomb in 1951?

• So know Kermit the demon priest is in modern day and with a hooker, and it’s the absolute worst dubbing I’ve ever seen.

• Have I ever mentioned how much Chuck Norris actually sucks? That meme of him a few years ago just shows how dumb our society is.

• Hey it’s an old Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Frank Pantegelli from Godfather II.

• I have nothing to say here.

• Frank Pantangelli stabs Kermit with one of the daggers used to seal his tomb. I guess that’s that. Show’s over.

“Hi-ho, Satan the Devil here!”

• Oh he’s alive. Shit.

• Kermit drops the dubbed hooker on Chuck’s car. What a coincidence. Call a coroner and an auto body shop!

• So wow, long story short Norris confronts Kermit and gets his ass kicked, finds a piece of Kermit’s scepter/dido/buttplug and they visit a Lady Scientist to hear the background on it, which can’t help.

• Now they’re in Israel, I think. Or maybe Dallas.

• My god Norris’s sidekick is extremely annoying.

• Why did they need to physically go to Israel to answer police questions, couldn’t they have just called?

• There’s a 90-minute scene of chasing down kids who stole Norris’s partner’s wallet.

• There’s a guy who looks just like Tommy Chong, or possibly Jesus, who keeps showing up. There will be a major shift in quality depending on which one it really is.

• They find the Lady Scientist in Jerusalem. What a friggin’ coincidence.

• Kermit is also a professor at a dig site in Israel. Norris doesn’t recognize him as the same mystical man he just fought two days earlier. He’s the worst.

• Norris really beats the shit out of these guys with his waist-high kicks.

Scene from Hellbound (1994).

• There’s like a running gag where Norris and his partner haven’t eaten since they got to Jerusalem, but it’s been 3 days since they got there.

• I just dozed off for 15 minutes and nothing has progressed. Kermit got his buttplug thing back.

• Still don’t know what Kermit wants.

• Apparently the Lady Scientist has royal blood, and is therefore prime for sacrifice by Kermit, for some reason and whatever he gets out of this.

• Bullets do nothing to Kermit but Chuck Norris’s baby kicks are devastating.

• So they kill Kermit with his scepter them Tommy Chong comes to collect the pieces. It does kind of look like a bong.

Final Thoughts: I don’t know what was happening through any of this. While it makes sense to have Chuck Norris in the last Cannon film he’s still a shithead, and most of Cannon’s movies were garbage. It’s like eating the last piece of meatloaf found underneath the floorboards of a burned down Cracker Barrel. The only thing memorable about it was the score, which was seemingly done by Keyboard Cat (hear and see below). 

Score: 2.5 Days Since I’ve Eaten (out of 10)