Satan War (1979)

Full Movie (but please DO NOT waste your time):

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: You don’t even want to know. 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Opening credits are melted crayon paintings that the kids do. Music’s creepy though. I actually think Metallica ripped off the opening credit art for their albums Load and Reload.
• “Jimmy Drankovitch” Drank a whaaaa?
• “The Elaine Thompson Dancers” What is this? A variety show?
• “This film is based on true events….” yada yada yada. Yeah yeah sure sure.
• I’m totally thinking that this was called something else but changed to Satan War after the mega success of Star Wars.
• “The black cross, carried upside down is the oldest symbol of Satan.” So Satan is only as old as Christ’s crucifixion? He never had a symbol prior to Christ’s crucifixion?
• Lots of historical “facts” in this movie. I’m learning a ton about Satanism. Fascinating stuff.
• This is the slowest prayer I’ve ever heard. Especially so since the priest is leaving gaps for the congregation to repeat. But he’s only saying like 3–5 words per gap. Satanists like to take their sweet ass time.
• So if you convert to Satanism and worship Satan for a while can you still reconvert to another religion down the line?
• Hate to bring this up but every close up of the Satanist congregation is African American. Is the movie implying something? #BlackSatanistsLivesMatter
• They are doing some sort of dance and all I can think of are the P.A.G.A.N.s in Tom Hanks and Dan Aykroyd’s Dragnet.
• This is hardly scary for a Satanic ritual. I’d be more frightened at a Scientology ritual.
• I wonder if the composer of the score was going for a Jimmy Page/Pink Floyd mash-up kind of deal?
• Why do they assume that all Satanist’s are evil and will do evil things? Maybe most worship Satan but are more laxed in their evil religious deeds. Maybe they’re just more spiritual in their Satanism? Maybe there’s Satanists who still volunteer at soup kitchens and donate to local charities.
• OK, it’s been 15 minutes and we’re still getting nothing but dumb ritual dancing and voice over documentary lessons on Satanism. I thought this was about a Satan WAR!
• Did the film restart? We’re seeing the opening credit artwork again.
• Great. Now I’m getting Manos the Hands of Fate flashbacks while we see nothing but driving now.
• Who gives a shit about the couples’ previous home before they bought this new one?!
• Now there’s the wife’s voice-over narration about moving into the house. How funny would it be if this whole movie is voice overs.
• This couple is doomed. Not because of satanists but because they just moved in and the wife is talking about how a few arguments are making them distant and she’s talking about divorce. They just need to relax and break in the new house with a good ‘ol in-out, if you catch my drift?
• The husband is on his 2nd cigarette after bringing in a total of 2 loads of boxes.
• The shot of their dime-store crucifix turning upside down on its own is hilariously slow and the hand (that’s surely off frame) doesn’t make the revolution smooth either.

This is the actual speed that it turns. It goes on for over 40 seconds. I wasn’t going to make a gif that lasted that long.

• The combo of the repetitive music and pacing is driving me to Satanism.
• It got night-time real damn quick. Must be the work of Satan.
• I think the Blob is oozing out of the coffee pot. Hard to tell with the poor video transfer. All I know it can’t be blood since it’s more of a muddy, jelly consistency.
• I just noticed a child’s hand print imprinted on clay hanging from the kitchen wall. But this couple doesn’t have a child.
• So after the coffee pot boiled over with goop, a kitchen chair slid across the floor and hit the wife and knocked her down. Are these stunts the work of Satan or Poltergeists?
• How long is this man-slowly-checks-around-his-house-for-an-intruder-in-the-dark scene going to go on for? Glad I’m not watching this at night, otherwise I’d be fast asleep by now.
• Again with the crucifix turning upside down on the wall bit. This is the third time seeing this shot. You would think the couple would nail the top AND bottom of the cross so it wouldn’t be able to turn by now. Or just say, fuck it, and stop putting the cross on the wall.
• And more coffee brewing….This is one repetitive flick.
• Especially with this music of sheer and utter torture. OMIGAWD someone kill me!!!
• Now there’s white goop like melted marshmallow dripping in the kitchen. Satan sure likes goop. Is this a Satanic horror movie or a Nickelodeon game show?!
• I’m literally 40 minutes in and there has only been like 10 lines of dialogue.
• The husband doesn’t look too perplexed by the sight of the dripping goop kitchen. He touches some, casually goes outside the kitchen door and smokes a cigarette. He’s as enthused about this movie as I am.
• Ooze and goop is scary right? Cleaning up that mess is scary I suppose.
• Yes. Use your hands to pick up the goop genius. You don’t even know what it could even be, much less if it’s toxic or harmful you imbeciles.
• “I think we bought a haunted house.”
  “A haunted house? I don’t believe in that sort of thing.” says the wife.
  Bet she’s the first to admit that there’s a Satan and he’s doing this.
• I can’t believe she said that actually since the house is oozing, her cross keeps going upside down and a chair attacked her. Plus she was basically molested by a spirit. How can she say she doesn’t believe that sort of thing?!
• Oh moments later they’re chatting and she now believes that the house is haunted. Jumping Jesus, this movie is so insipidly dumb.
• “Just tell him that rape, sex and molestation is my department.” Did the husband just say that rape is his department?
• Like I said, this couple is doomed.
• “Cross is upside again.” OH NOOOOOO!!!!!!! Say, why don’t you just take break from hanging that thing eh?
• Invisible rape scene. Is the wife’s vocal cords severed? She’s not making a sound and the husband is literally in the next room.
• This is still not the worst movie I’ve ever seen. But I cannot wait for it be over.
• The wife was ghost-raped but the new scene she’s more concerned with if her husband is going to shave before the medium comes over. Schlock priorities at the very best.
• The Feng-Shui in this house is the real satanic entity.
• The medium is telling them about all the murders that had happened in their home. If she has that power, then she should totally be working for the police to help them solve homicides, right?
• It’s always nice when mediums get so creeped out that they must leave the house immediately but don’t plead much for the owners to leave immediately. Same kind of scene was in Paranormal Activity if I recall.
• “We’re gonna stay and we’re gonna beat this thing!” That’s the fucking spirit Billy Boy!
• Yes a bath will be just the thing to clam down after the psychic told you about murders and suicides and demons and had to leave the house immediately from an overwhelming dread. Just go a take a nice bath now.
• “In the name of the father, the son and holy ghost, I command you to get out!” I’m sorry but does god or Jesus really need a human to call their names to get demons out of a house? Seems so dumb and superstitious for a major religion for this kind of exorcism style bullshit. If there is a demon, wouldn’t Jesus be more powerful than it and be able to thwart it on his own? I guess that would make Jesus a “Ghostbuster” huh?

Be vewy vewy quiet. I’m hunting demons. hahahaha.

• The bath is just wonderful says the wife. Husband continues to exorcise the house with the one cross they own.
• What is there? Like 20 minutes left? Sheesh. At least give us female nudity or gore for crying out loud.
• I’ve never been spooked in a house ever, especially by one with supernatural tendencies but in each and every ghost story or haunted house movie, the people who live in it try so hard to be normal in it. Like they are still sleeping with the lights off at night. That’s probably the first thing I would NOT do is sleep in the dark if I suspected intruders or ghosts in my home.
• Wait. Now’s there an actual living breathing person with a knife attacking them in the house? Make up your mind movie. Is it a ghostly demonic presence or Satanic cult members?
• That’s it? They left the house and the voice-over narrator says that they left it after living there for only 2 days and never returned. That was some war. Christ on crutches that wasn’t even a scrimmage.
• Now there’s narration for voodoo worshipping?! That’s a completely different religion than Satanism!!!!
• And I’m no expert on voodoo but I’m very sure they don’t worship Satan in the least.
• Now we’re seeing voodoo worshippers dance and prance around during this narration. And again, it’s nothing but black people. #VoodooLivesMatter

• I’m 190% certain that this movie was funded mostly by a church organization warning people about the dangers of Satanism and voodoo. And I’m 120% certain that these filmmakers are racists.
• If only I can make a voodoo doll for the writer and director of this movie and stick pins in his dick for making this horseshit.
• I just looked up the writer/director. He shuffled off his mortal coil back in 1990. 
• I’m literally fast-forwarding the last 10 minutes because I’m sick of hearing about voodoo gods and ceremonial shit and watching people dance.
• Now this movie is the worst I’ve ever seen. Congratu-fuckin-lations!! 

Scare Level: The only thing that scared me was at one point I was kinda hoping that I could watch Things or Heavy Metal Massacre again, rather than this.

Gore Level: Zero. 

Nudity Level: Zero Point Zero. 

Best Line: “Fuck You Asshole!” Oh wait, that was me yelling at the screen.

“I’m so scared!”
“Don’t worry honey, rape is my department.”

Best Scene: Remember Jason’s death scene at the end of Friday the 13th The Final Chapter when Corey Feldman plunged a machete into his face and when Jason fell down on it it continued to slide into his face? Man, what a great scene.

Worst Scene: I’m done.

Level of Hell: There has to be a level of Hell devoted to torturing the very worst souls from Earth and my only hope is that this movie is used to torment them for all eternity.

Overall: Egad! This was excruciating. Not only was it so amateurish and so boring it was padded and bookended by that wretched dramatized mock ceremonies of a black mass and some sort of Voodoo saurez. The music was something out of the very bowels of hell. The acting, if we can call it acting, was so wooden that Ed Wood, himself would call this movie a travesty. Every year I seem to watch a movie so vile, so tormentingly awful, and every year they seem to get worse and worse. I’m seriously afraid of what I might see next year. The Devil himself would avoid this picture.

Score: -666 I Have to Reevaluate My Life With Watching This Fucking Garbage Schlock Bullshit (out of 10)