Devil Times Five (1974)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The anti-Brady kids completely out-maneuvering and killing a group of adults who should have bested the little bastards by 45 minutes in.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• I’m reviewing a movie that stars both Leif Garrett and Sorrell Booke. The circle is now complete. When I was a guest contributor I was but the learner, now I am the master.
• The driver of the van that crashes through the snow keeps repeatedly stepping on the gas. That can’t be right.
• I can’t tell if this blonde woman is 35 or 15.
• The kids crawl out of the wrecked van with a makeshift nun, they loot the driver’s body then have a quick prayer over him. This is gonna suck isn’t it?
• It’s always reassuring when the movie’s editor is named “Buzz.”
• Would someone please help Leif out of the wrecked van? He has to completely destroy his worthless life in five years.
• The Executive Producer’s name is Wang? This movie is fucking with me right?
• Boss Hogg doesn’t look right with a moustache and brown side burns.
• I just realized that we’re 10 minutes into this film and the opening credits are still being sporadically displayed.
• With all of the walking these kids are doing, it looks like The Little Rascals are putting on a production of The Fellowship Of The Ring.
• I wish the drunk woman could pass me her flask through the TV “Ringu” style. I think I’m gonna need it.
• Luke wasn’t in the snow on Hoth as much as these little pricks are in the forest.
• Lovely (her name) is flirting with Ralph the stereotypical retarded guy so much it is clear that she has never read “Of Mice And Men.”
• Oh for Chrissakes, after she tells Ralph to take down his pants and asks him what he’d like to do next, he replies, “feed my rabbits.” Either I could have written these movies at this point, or they’re starting to listen to my jokes. Get out of my head!
• A semi-nude cat fight! OK, this movie just went up 2 rankings.
• The other surviving member of the van crash who has been following the kids, really wants to stop them since that is all he apparently can say.
  

  You WILL like “I Was Made For Dancing!’

• This flashback showing the kids group-murder some dude is supposed to reinforce the fact they’re homicidal maniacs. Thanks for connecting those dots – kinda figured that out already.
• I truly want to spot-weld my finger to the fast forward button.
• Only in the 70’s could you have gotten away with using “ball” as a euphemism for “fuck.”
• Describing a hot chick as “foxy” should make a comeback.
• The observations are really going dry here folks.
• Boss Hogg’s wife is so drunk that when she sees the group of kids, all she can scream is, “little people!” I’ll have what she’s having.
• This nun girl is so fucking white Procol Harum could have written a song about her.
• Sad thing is these kids are way better actors than the adults are.
• Now that I think about it, it’s really nice to see Leif Garrett sober for a change.
• The kids from “Bustin’ Loose” weren’t this fucked up.
  

  Hello Daddy, hello Mom, we’re your ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma.

• Leif’s hair is repeatedly changing length. What’s creepy about that is the fact that I grew up in the 70’s and never gave a shit about this guy, yet now I’m analyzing him almost as intensely as his “Behind The Music” did.
• Papa Doc is truly awful and he skeeves me.
• Ralph tried to fix the generator, and ended up hanging himself. You know what? I’ll leave it at that.
• Not one of these adults can sense that these kids are pure evil? They deserve what’s coming to them.
• Boss Hogg screams that the snow outside is 10 feet deep, yet looking out the window you can see a mere 4 or 5 inches.
• All of the guns in the house are missing! I smell a kiddie shootout at the OK Corral in the not too distant future.
• The kids and the creepy-ass nun hold Lovely’s head under her bath water while they dump a tank of piranhas in with her. Best. Kill. Ever.
• These kids would put MacGyver to shame with the way they construct their kills.
• The production at least paid for a decent fire stunt.
• This guy walked into 3 bear traps? He doesn’t deserve the limbs he has remaining.
• The movie ends not with “The End” but with “The Beginning.” Let’s hope huh?
  

  “I am the Senate.”

Scare Level: It is if you realize that Leif and his sister had to act in a movie with their mom who was naked in it quite a bit. What do you say to her at the premiere? Watching Sorrell Booke work out was also fairly terrifying.

Gore Level: Some blood at Ralph’s hanging, a Piranha tub attack with some chew marks, and that’s about it.

Nudity Level: Thanks to Leif’s mom, who if I may paraphrase the band Fountains Of Wayne, has got it going on.

Best Line: “I’m gonna chop the wood because I feel like it, not because you told me.” I don’t know how to accurately write the sound Roscoe P. Coltrane made when he was excited – but if I could I’d do it here.

Best Scene: Watching Leif climb up a ladder in slow motion, and then fall off of it in normal time. A more fitting metaphor for this guy does not exist anywhere.

Worst Scene: When Leif goes to cut off Boss Hogg’s head, yet the axe just seems to stop on the side of his neck. Hogg is then mounted on a log, buried in snow up to his neck and repeatedly struck with snowballs. I don’t know why – but this seems offensive.

Level of Hell: Starting to sway a little off the Satanic path with this one, however when looking into this movie’s history I found that according IMDB, the kid nun (Sister Hannah) was allegedly the director’s underage and albino girlfriend. I don’t know if the accusations pertained to her age or her skin pigment – I knew this movie was fucked up, just not to what degree. A Hell-worthy trespass.

Overall: “Peopletoys” as this movie is presumably more famously known as, is a truly awful 90 minutes to sit through. I’m beginning to think that horror movie editors didn’t really learn their craft until slashers were invented in the early 80’s. I seem to really have a problem with editing this year – I guess because even I can play with iMovie now and construct a tighter narrative.

Score: 5 (Surprise Surprise) Rotten Little Killer Kids (out of 10)