Devil Times Five (1974)
What’s It About: The anti-Brady kids completely out-maneuvering and killing a group of adults who should have bested the little bastards by 45 minutes in.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- I’m reviewing a movie that stars both Leif Garrett and Sorrell Booke. The circle is now complete. When I was a guest contributor I was but the learner, now I am the master.
- The driver of the van that crashes through the snow keeps repeatedly stepping on the gas. That can’t be right.
- I can’t tell if this blonde woman is 35 or 15.
- The kids crawl out of the wrecked van with a makeshift nun, they loot the driver’s body then have a quick prayer over him. This is gonna suck isn’t it?
- It’s always reassuring when the movie’s editor is named “Buzz.”
- Would someone please help Leif out of the wrecked van? He has to completely destroy his worthless life in five years.
- The Executive Producer’s name is Wang? This movie is fucking with me right?
- Boss Hogg doesn’t look right with a moustache and brown side burns.
- I just realized that we’re 10 minutes into this film and the opening credits are still being sporadically displayed.
- With all of the walking these kids are doing, it looks like The Little Rascals are putting on a production of The Fellowship Of The Ring.
- I wish the drunk woman could pass me her flask through the TV “Ringu” style. I think I’m gonna need it.
- Luke wasn’t in the snow on Hoth as much as these little pricks are in the forest.
- Lovely (her name) is flirting with Ralph the stereotypical retarded guy so much it is clear that she has never read “Of Mice And Men.”
- Oh for Chrissakes, after she tells Ralph to take down his pants and asks him what he’d like to do next, he replies, “feed my rabbits.” Either I could have written these movies at this point, or they’re starting to listen to my jokes. Get out of my head!
- A semi-nude cat fight! OK, this movie just went up 2 rankings.
- The other surviving member of the van crash who has been following the kids, really wants to stop them since that is all he apparently can say.
- This flashback showing the kids group-murder some dude is supposed to reinforce the fact they’re homicidal maniacs. Thanks for connecting those dots – kinda figured that out already.
- I truly want to spot-weld my finger to the fast forward button.
- Only in the 70’s could you have gotten away with using “ball” as a euphemism for “fuck.”
- Describing a hot chick as “foxy” should make a comeback.
- The observations are really going dry here folks.
- Boss Hogg’s wife is so drunk that when she sees the group of kids, all she can scream is, “little people!” I’ll have what she’s having.
- This nun girl is so fucking white Procol Harum could have written a song about her.
- Sad thing is these kids are way better actors than the adults are.
- Now that I think about it, it’s really nice to see Leif Garrett sober for a change.
- The kids from “Bustin’ Loose” weren’t this fucked up.
- Leif’s hair is repeatedly changing length. What’s creepy about that is the fact that I grew up in the 70’s and never gave a shit about this guy, yet now I’m analyzing him almost as intensely as his “Behind The Music” did.
- Papa Doc is truly awful and he skeeves me.
- Ralph tried to fix the generator, and ended up hanging himself. You know what? I’ll leave it at that.
- Not one of these adults can sense that these kids are pure evil? They deserve what’s coming to them.
- Boss Hogg screams that the snow outside is 10 feet deep, yet looking out the window you can see a mere 4 or 5 inches.
- All of the guns in the house are missing! I smell a kiddie shootout at the OK Corral in the not too distant future.
- The kids and the creepy-ass nun hold Lovely’s head under her bath water while they dump a tank of piranhas in with her. Best. Kill. Ever.
- These kids would put MacGyver to shame with the way they construct their kills.
- The production at least paid for a decent fire stunt.
- This guy walked into 3 bear traps? He doesn’t deserve the limbs he has remaining.
- The movie ends not with “The End” but with “The Beginning.” Let’s hope huh?
Scare Level: It is if you realize that Leif and his sister had to act in a movie with their mom who was naked in it quite a bit. What do you say to her at the premiere? Watching Sorrell Booke work out was also fairly terrifying.
Gore Level: Some blood at Ralph’s hanging, a Piranha tub attack with some chew marks, and that’s about it.
Nudity Level: Thanks to Leif’s mom, who if I may paraphrase the band Fountains Of Wayne, has got it going on.
Best Line: “I’m gonna chop the wood because I feel like it, not because you told me.” I don’t know how to accurately write the sound Roscoe P. Coltrane made when he was excited – but if I could I’d do it here.
Best Scene: Watching Leif climb up a ladder in slow motion, and then fall off of it in normal time. A more fitting metaphor for this guy does not exist anywhere.
Worst Scene: When Leif goes to cut off Boss Hogg’s head, yet the axe just seems to stop on the side of his neck. Hogg is then mounted on a log, buried in snow up to his neck and repeatedly struck with snowballs. I don’t know why – but this seems offensive.
Level of Hell: Starting to sway a little off the Satanic path with this one, however when looking into this movie’s history I found that according IMDB, the kid nun (Sister Hannah) was allegedly the director’s underage and albino girlfriend. I don’t know if the accusations pertained to her age or her skin pigment – I knew this movie was fucked up, just not to what degree. A Hell-worthy trespass.
Overall: “Peopletoys” as this movie is presumably more famously known as, is a truly awful 90 minutes to sit through. I’m beginning to think that horror movie editors didn’t really learn their craft until slashers were invented in the early 80’s. I seem to really have a problem with editing this year – I guess because even I can play with iMovie now and construct a tighter narrative.
Score: 5 (Surprise Surprise) Rotten Little Killer Kids (out of 10)