The Unholy (1988)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: It’s something like a priest survives falling several stories so he’s assigned to this church in New Orleans where other priests have died so he must unravel the demonic succubus mystery and there’s also a group that puts on sexual Satan shows. Yeah, something like that…

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• A Team Effort production! That’s what I like to see!
• A redhead with a lovely rack seduces a priest while a ripped Christ statue looks on.
• Hey let’s drive through the most unremarkable parts of what’s possibly New Orleans for our opening credits. That will get the audience pumped!!
• Our protagonist priest is trying to talk a suicider off a ledge. JUMP YOU PUSSY!! At least the guy’s not doing this on an overpass and disrupting traffic.
• Archbishop? Would that be Brad Bishop’s enemy?
• So the priest fell 17 stories with no injuries, and only the archbishop thinks this is peculiar.
• I think they only hired Ben Cross because of his last name.
• So nothing at all is happening. The priest meets a young chirpy who was friends with the previous priest who was killed and she works at a fake satanic club and who gives a demon’s shit?
• The dad from Boy Meets World is the main fake satanist at the club and he’s the only one using a southern accent in Louisiana.
  
  

  “So, do you want a five or a ten?”

• Blind priest. How original.
• This movie is as dull as using a koala’s dick for a drill bit.
• Snake underwear. Probably supposed to be scary? But actually hilarious.
• This is almost as bad as Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart. At least that had Julie Strain.
• Millie needs to lose her virginity for reasons I don’t fully understand or completely care about. So she begs the priest to fuck her. Of course, he refuses. Couldn’t she just ask any random dude?
• You’d think even Satan would be bored by all this.
• We’ve got bush! Burning bush! Because she’s a redhead.
• Priest Michael is attacked by two dwarf demons played by Lord Littlebrook and Little Beaver. They have a bad case of Shakma Syndrome: way too adorable to be menacing.
  
  

  “Haha! I can’t stay mad at you, you scamps.”

• So the redhead succubus has turned into a dog demon and sucks Father Michael off. Then gives him skin communion. That makes no sense, but at least something is finally happening. Sort of.
• Father Michael is stricken blind. He’s the lucky one.
• Nothing happened to most of the characters. The End.

Scare Level: I suppose it’s possible you could have a random nightmare when you fall asleep while watching this.

Gore Level: There are a couple eviscerations but this film is heavier on Bore Level than Gore Level.  

Nudity Level: A couple of boobs, mostly from the succubus and at the Satan orgy play. You never see Ben’s cross, though.

Best Line: “I’m the caretaker. I take care of everything.”  – the caretaker

Best Scene: I guess this one, it’s the only time anything remotely interesting happens, even though it’s not that interesting. I could not find a clip of the demon dwarves, unfortunately.

Worst Scene: When Ned Beatty comes to the church to ask questions of Father Micheal for his “investigation,” which eats up more time than Ned Beatty eats up pork rinds, and leads to absolutely nothing, just like everything else here.

Level of Hell: You think you’re in for a decent late-’80s horror-thriller, but you’re really in for a decent 80 minutes of looking at your watch. This should be standard viewing for anyone who wants to enter the priesthood thinking that it’s a glamorous life, but it’s really just yawns and succubi. HERESY!

Overall: This is one of my lighter entries this month because the movie is such a snoozefest and not enough happens to even make fun of, which is the absolute worst kind of Schlocktoberfest picture. There really isn’t even that much to say about it, it’s just not entertaining and you can do better elsewhere. Devil was completely boring, too, but at least it had talking points.

Score: 3 Sucking Buses (out of 10)