Schlocktoberfest V – Day 8: Witchcraft IV: Virgin Heart

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WITCHCRAFT IV: VIRGIN HEART (1992)

Trailer:

(if you were a video store owner in 1992 and you bought 4 copies of Witchcraft IV you got a free “Going Out of Business” sign!)

*Spoilers Throughout*

Witchcraft 4What’s It About: Here’s what IMDb says: Rock musicians are selling their souls to the devil for fame and fortune. An attorney with magical powers attempts to stop it. BULLSHIT!!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • Hey let’s park in the middle of the pitch black woods, then get out of the car. Are you turned on yet, baby?
  • The girl gets pissed because the guy makes a sexy move on her. What the fuck did she think was going to occur?
  • So the guy dies (?) because he fell 3 feet out of a tree. What a dumbshit.
  • There’s a complete working phone booth out in the middle of the woods.
  • For some reason, instead of calling 9-1-1, she calls a Divine lookalike.
  • The girl gets bashed in the head by an Andrew Dice Clay impersonator. The guy is still alive, unfortunately. Still a dumbshit.
  • Now the girl has her chest flayed open on a slab, but the weirdest part is her puffy nipples. That’s like girls seeing foreskin on a guy.
  • I think her name is Nora because this dumbshit has been screaming it for 10 minutes. I think his name was Pete maybe but who gives a shit.
  • There’s a voiceover but you can’t hear it over the music and ambient noise. This has to be one of the worst audio mixes I’ve ever heard in a movie. On the other hand, not being able to hear the dialogue may be a blessing.
  • Now the lawyer and Pete’s sister are walking around the scene of the crime and you can’t hear shit because it sounds like they put the microphones in their shoes.
  • The kidnapper left a matchbook behind for a bar called Coven!
  • Gentlemen have to wear a jacket at Coven, but the bartender is wearing nothing but suspenders. I knew it would be a leather bar.
  • It would be nice if rock music came into play at all here.
  • Ahhh Julie Strain (playing Bella Donna), an Andy Sidaris ingenue. It’s like wearing an old shoe that you hurts your feet because there’s an awkward pair of tits poking your soles.

(From Andy Sidaris’s Day of the Warrior. Probably Andy’s least-greatest film, but it’s Seven Samurai compared to this shit.)

  • So far this is like the world’s worst film noir instead of a rock horror film.
  • So finally we get some band action, but I wouldn’t say they rock by any means. The synopsis was misleading as fuck.
  • Nothing is happening whatsoever. Some chick hires some lawyer (I think?) to prove her brother (Pete?) is innocent of murder (?) charges and it involves Coven (?) and Julie Strains boobs (?) and it’s all so excruciatingly boring and pointless that I won’t bother you further.
  • Our protagonist watches Bella Donna get raped from a closet. Does absolutely nothing. What a hero. I guess he just has an intense indifference to what he’s seeing, and I can identify with that.
  • We’re more than halfway through and there’s no rock or horror or plot. I’ve given up all hope that there’s going to be any rock band in this. Fucking IMDb…
  • In addition to the worst sound, this shitstrainer has the worst lighting ever. You can barely see Julie Strains lollipop scars.

(“You certainly have a flair for this line of work.” HA! Brilliant! From Christian Drew Sidaris’s [Andy’s ungrateful son] Enemy Gold)

  • Apparently this evil rapist manager is some kind of immortal demon who buys the souls of musicians in exchange for booking them into dive bars twice a month. That’s a semi-musical premise, I guess?
  • Fast-Forward: Ok, here’s the finale. The lawyer and the witch man both have glowing green eyes now. Please don’t ask me to explain it. It’s possibly even worse than the glowing green eyes in Ghouliesand this movie is possibly even worse than Ghoulies, if that’s even possible.
  • I’m suing whoever wrote the description for this.
  • Witchcraft IV: So Fucking Lost
  • If this isn’t the worst Schlocktoberfest movie I watch this year I’ll eat a witch’s balls.

Scare Volume: If you suffer from thaasophobia (fear of boredom) avoid this like your life depends on it, because it just might.

Gore Volume: TONS! I mean, like, nonstop… oh wait, I just remembered, that was because my eyes were bleeding.

Nudity Volume: One scene where a mutilated body is shown topless, and one other nude scene not involving Julie Strain.

Best Kill: I honestly don’t even remember.

Best Scene: I love that there was a working phone booth in the middle of nowhere, it doesn’t matter that it made no sense whatsoever, it was hilarious and I adored it.

It works but there's no phone book to leaf through.

It works but there’s no phone book to leaf through.

Worst Scene: The 5 hour-long verbal confrontation between the lawyer and the other guy who may have been a lawyer I’m not sure that was set in an office that looked like it was being moved out of so they let the filmmakers use it for a day.

How ’bout the Tunes: What the fuck are you talking about.

Band Rating: There’s was one band playing one song that I can barely remember but they were of the ilk you would see playing at a lousy restaurant at 6 p.m. on a Sunday.

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Overall: I thought I’d continue my theme this week of horror movies we mistakenly believed involved music but didn’t really. At least Zombie Nightmare had the wicked soundtrack to qualify it, but this movie is like a guitar made out of piss: impossible to enjoy. Apparently there are 13 films in the Witchcraft series, made over a 20-year span, so you know the quality is there. Maybe it’s my fault, and I wouldn’t have been so suicidal watching this movie if I had seen the previous three, although I don’t think the stories are really interconnected, and really they’re all made to go straight to Skinemax (despite Troma slapping its name on it, which I don’t really understand). And there aren’t even that many love scenes in this movie to make me recommend it even for lonely evenings purposes. I know I ragged on Julie Strain in this review but she was the only reason I wanted to watch this in the first place (since it was on the list of rock horror movies and all). As a huge Andy Sidaris fan it was nice to see her and was the only ray of light in this bottomless shit pit.

Score: 0.5 Phone Booths in the Forest (out of 10)

12 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest V – Day 8: Witchcraft IV: Virgin Heart

  1. Thank you for remarking on how weird the puffy nipples were! I noticed that same thing on the student that Batfleck was boffing in Gone Girl and the friend I pointed it out to didn’t have an issue with it. Like, what the fuck is going on there?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest V: Recap of Rock! | Hard Ticket to Home Video

  3. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest 666 – Day 11: The Unholy | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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