Schlocktoberfest V – Day 6: Zombie Nightmare

Schlocktoberfest5b

 

ZOMBIE NIGHTMARE (1987)

Trailer (can’t locate one, so here’s the entire film):

*Spoilers Throughout*

Zombie Nightmare posterWhat’s It About: A local bro who is anywhere in age from 17 to 47 is killed in a hit and run by some local preppy-punks but returns from the grave to get revenge on them and to also get revenge on the dicks who killed his dad.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • A voodoo priestess awakens a corpse in a coffin who looks a lot like Jack White who looks just like a walking corpse, so it all makes sense. Yama yama yama yama yaaaaaaamaaaa!!!
  • ACE OF SPADES!!! Holy fuck is this movie going to have good music in it??
  • Some slob is hitting a few grounders and a kid says, “That’s the best hit I’ve ever seen!” I guess you ain’t seen too many hits, kid.
  • This is a flashback to the ’50s because there are two street toughs in undershirts and Chuck Taylors, which was the only sneaker available back then.
  • The kid’s dad prevents the street toughs from beating up a black girl, and gets stabbed to death for his trouble. Never help anyone.
  • Now the kid has grown up into Jon Mikl Thor, and it’s 1987. So I guess that wasn’t the ’50s before? That was like 1975? SHIT.
    He's in good shape for Thorty-five.

    He’s in good shape for Thorty-five.

     

  • Thor stops some street toughs from robbing the neighborhood bodega, then gets run over. Never help anyone.
  • The store owner and two guys dressed all in denim bring Thor to his mother’s house instead of to, you know, the fucking hospital.
  • So Thor’s mom calls a Haitian voodoo queen, who I think is supposed to be the girl the dad saved before? If it’s not, I apologize if that seemed racist. However, she was about 17 when saved, and now she looks 57. This timeline makes no sense.
  • This voodoo witch has been talking nonstop for 10 minutes and I’ve understood about three words of it.
     
  • Ok, resurrection I can deal with, but did all his bones knit back together during that ritual?
  • At least the soundtrack is fucking awesome.
  • The guy who ran over Thor is the world’s biggest asshole. Why he would have any friends at all is beyond me.
  • Now would be a good time to mention that Tia Carrere of Wayne’s World and True Lies and then a series of shitty Z-movies fame is sort of one of the characters in this, so luckily the studio could put her name after Adam West’s on future DVD covers. Despite this movie’s music influence, she is not featured with her band, Crucial Taunt.
    Nida Career

    Nida Career

     

  • And now, after a pulse-pounding driving through town montage, we have a thrilling tennis lesson montage. Unfortunately there’s no metal music playing during this one.
  • So now Thor is a zombie, and has a rotten head zombie look even though he’s only been dead for less than 24 hours.
  • Adam West! Eh, whatever. He’s playing the police chief and looks like he’s sitting behind that desk smoking a cigar and playing police chief for any movie production that wanted to use him that day.
  • The bad punk looks like Toecutter’s disappointing son, Pinky Toecutter.
    Pinky-Toecutter 
  • Thor kills Pinky by impaling him with a baseball bat. For some reason Thor’s hair is 14 inches shorter now. If he was rotting, wouldn’t his hair fall out from his scalp, instead of getting shorter? I hope his dong fared better.
  • There’s a coroner in this who is oddly doing a Columbo impression as if he was Columbo’s older brother and he was making fun of Columbo’s numerous severe mental handicaps.
  • Everybody keeps referring to Zombie Thor as a “giant” even though he’s not really that big. He must have insisted that everyone called him that.
  • The cops arrest a punk and charge him with killing these kids simply because he’s “strong.” That’s fine work, Lou.
  • It seems as if Adam West only agreed to be in this movie for free cigars and booze. “Here’s the deal, I do ONE take, and I get to keep the wardrobe. AND we have a scene in a restaurant so I can get a meal.”
    "You're offering a BOXED lunch?? Get the fuck out of my precinct and come back when you're serious."

    “You’re offering a BOXED lunch?? Get the fuck out of my precinct and come back when you’re serious.”

     

  • Adam West is flipping out. “Get me Commissioner Gordon,” he says into a red phone that isn’t plugged in.
  • Apparently Adam West is one of the ’50s street toughs from before who tried to attack the voodoo queen. So they’ve all aged 40 years to Thor’s 5.
  • I may need a prescription for Thor-azine after this is over.
  • The car-doesn’t-start-when-the-killer-is-after-you trope shouldn’t apply to a brand new Mercedes.
  • So Thor shambles to his dad’s grave, Adam West brings the voodoo queen, shoots Thor, shoots her, then gets dragged to hell by Thor’s dad. Case CLOSED.

Scare Volume: Not so much a zombie nightmare as it is a zombie annoying daydream.

Gore Volume: There’s some, but not really an obscene, nightmarish amount. Which is too bad, because having lots of gore, even if it would have looked like shit, would have greatly helped this movie’s case for watchability.

Nudity Volume: Zip. Not even Thor’s hammer.

Best Kill: When Adam West is dragged into Hell. That one scene is better than the entire Sam Raimi Drag Me to Hell.

Best Scene: Hmmmmm, wow. Ok, maybe the scene where Thor slowly chases a girl in a negligee through a huge fitness center, which is at least something I don’t think I’ve seen before. But it would have been better if he had served racquetballs at her to death.

Worst Scene: As I mentioned above, there’s a 2-minute driving montage that adds absolutely nothing. However, it does feature a killer song by Girlschool, “C’mon Let’s Go.”

How ’bout the Tunes: This is a tricky one, because this picture is always listed alongside other “metal horror” titles (which is why I watched it for this year’s Schlocktoberfest in the first place), but the plot doesn’t involve a band. However, Thor is a metal god, and plays one of the leads, and the soundtrack kicks an unholy world of ass, even if the movie wasted it:


(“Midnite Man” is listed as being performed by Pantera, but it’s actually Jon Mikl Thor’s girlfriend going by the name Pantera and has nothing to do with the metal band of the same name, so curb your enthusiasm when you see “Music by Pantera” in the opening credits) 


(“When I Dream” is performed during a scene that heavily features Tia Carrere, and it kind of sounds like her providing the vocal on the song, but I can’t confirm or deny that) 

To sum it all up, here’s an awesome compilation of the songs used in the movie:

Band Rating: Again, you can’t really rate one certain band for this movie because it doesn’t focus on a band, but in judging by the cumulative bands on the soundtrack, it’s a home run (the best hit you’ll ever see).

SchlockOut-Band-GTE

 

Overall: One of the more boring and plodding zombie movies you’re apt to witness, but definitely not the worst, even though it is a bigger mess than Adam West trying to retrieve unused chili out of a dumpster behind TGI Friday’s. Fortunately, for when you get bored, it has one of the best metal soundtracks ever, even if it’s seemingly for no reason. “Ace of Spades” playing over the opening credits is definitely awesome, but it makes no goddamn sense, as there’s literally no context for it, just as there’s no context for the fingerprint displayed during the opening credits. You’re better off just listening to this movie’s soundtrack above and looking at pictures of zombie makeup. This movie isn’t going to make anyone Thor-get Return of the Living Dead.

Score: 3.5 Baseball Bats Through the Abdomen (out of 10)

16 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest V – Day 6: Zombie Nightmare

  1. You failed to mention that Pinky Toecutter is non other than acclaimed director, Shawn Levy who has made such hits as Night at the Museum, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Night at the Museum: Secret of the Tomb, Cheaper By the Dozen, Cheaper By the Dozen 2, The Pink Panther, The Pink Panther 2, and REAL STEEL!!!!! All movies I have successfully avoided.

    Seems cinematic quality eludes this man.

    Like

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