Another Schlocktoberfest come and gone. We had a million readers, and we rocked them all. Well, not really, but we sure had fun. Well, mostly. Let’s recap!
In order from best to worst score:
- Phantom of the Paradise (10)
- Wild Zero (9)
- Rocktober Blood (9)
- DEATHGASM (8.5)
- Suck (8)
- Black Roses (8)
- Trick or Treat (7)
- Hard Rock Zombies (6)
- Slumber Party Massacre 2 (6)
- The Driller Killer (5.5)
- Lone Wolf (5)
- Rock ‘n’ Roll Nightmare (5)
- Blood Tracks (4.5)
- Slash (4)
- Paganini Horror (4)
- Vicious Lips (4)
- Zombie Nightmare (3.5)
- Hard Rock Nightmare (3.5)
- Monster Dog (3)
- New Year’s Evil (3)
- Shock ‘Em Dead (3)
- Dead Girls (2.5)
- Rockula (2)
- Slaughterhouse Rock (2)
- Ghoul School (2) *Should probably be a 1 actually
- Neowolf (The Band From Hell) (1.75)
- Hack-O-Lantern (1.5)
- Terror on Tour (1)
- Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart (0.5)
- Scream Dream (0.5)
- Heavy Metal Massacre (-10)
Jesus Jones! What were we thinking?! Going in to our annual schlock horror watching we thought we had such a great and novel idea. How foolish we were thinking that a whole month of music, especially hard rock music would be a good sub-category to fill a whole month with. Usually we do the theme week for Schlocktoberfests and we thought, hey, we all love music and schlock and why not combine the two? After all, ’80s hair metal is basically Schlock for music so why not right? I went back and did the math for the previous Schlocktoberfests rating averages and this is by far our worst Schlocktoberfest with an average rating of 3.9 out of 10. So maybe using just one sub-genre isn’t the best idea. Or perhaps it was just the sub-genre we picked. All I know is the numbers don’t lie. Usually our average is in the 5 range. But we gladly accepted the challenge, set our goals and paced ourselves.
But I can’t say that it wasn’t fun either. I found some great new flicks that I never heard of before like Rocktober Blood and Hard Rock Zombies and other flicks may have sucked hard but the tunes maybe weren’t so bad. There were a lot of similarities that I found interesting. Two movies featured Toni Basil (weird), two with Alice Cooper (no shock there) and two with Jon-Mikl Thor (wish they all had him in it). There was also a couple of instances of KISS-look-alikes as well with The Undead in Phantom of the Paradise, The Clowns in Terror on Tour, The Hard Rock Zombies and even Billy in Rocktober Blood had on white makeup on stage. Again, not a real surprise given how influential KISS was and still is in the annuals of rock. I’m more surprised that there wasn’t more satanic-themed movies since the mid-80s was rife with hair bands being attacked for being devil-worshipping drug-fueled rapists by the PMRC. You’d think more hard rock related horror movies would jump on that bandwagon. We did have a couple and weirdly enough two that featured voodoo rituals. Because, you know, nothing says metal like Baron Samedi.
Most Pleasant Surprise: Rocktober Blood by far. I’ve seen Phantom of the Paradise several times before so I can’t count that as a surprise. Rocktober Blood wasn’t the smartest slasher flick I’ve seen but it had grit and guts and great music and that was enough. Hard Rock Zombies wasn’t so awful and had great music; just wish it was better made.
Most Disappointing: Shock ‘Em Dead and Vicious Lips for a tie. If Shock ‘Em Dead was campier and more intelligently written as a spoof, then it would definitely score higher. Vicious Lips had great music for their time but sadly the movie was a plotless mess.
Favorite Villain: Hands down, Leach the Phantom from Phantom of the Paradise. He’s hell-bent on revenge and has a great ear for music. Every other villain was a mediocre serial killer or lame werewolf or vampire. Pass. The only other villain that I kinda liked was Angel Martin in Shock ‘Em Dead but that was mainly for inept and humorous reasons. That guy was a complete dildo.
Least Favorite Villain: Anything associated remotely with Heavy Metal Massacre deserves a slow roast in the fiery pits of hell. So Whatever-his-name-was in that putrid piece of shit. And then, Rockula because fuck him too.
Best Kill: Looking back, this year’s kill list is fucking horrible. The best I can think of is Billy killing someone with a hot clothes iron in Rocktober Blood. Second would be Beef getting fried on stage with 40,000 volts of electricity.
Worst Kill: Like I said, tough month of choices with most of them all being equally lame in the ‘ol blood ‘n’ guts department but Heavy Metal Massacre takes the taco for everything bad and/or ugly.
Best Band: I wish they actually had a name for the band in Rocktober Blood but the real band on the soundtrack is Sorcery. Vicious Lips and the Hard Rock Zombies also rocked my schlock off.
Best Song: But when it comes down to best song, now that’s a toughie. While I love the new cheesy soundtrack to Rocktober Blood, the songs just don’t hold a candle to anything Paul Williams composes. The whole soundtrack to Phantom of the Paradise is glorious and picking one key or favorite track is no easy task. But without thinking too heavy on it—”Old Souls” and “Hell With It” are probably my favorite.
Worst Band: Rockula. Without doubt or hesitation.
Remember last year when I was adamant about watching and writing the majority of these well ahead of time so we wouldn’t have to scramble to do them when Schlocktoberfest V came around? Well, I didn’t do that, again. But I did manage to see five of them in September, so I was sort of ahead and didn’t have to write these things late at night at the last minute like I did last year, so it was less stressful and saved my marriage! I don’t know, I just don’t feel right about doing Schlocktoberfest entries unless it’s around Halloween season, you know? If this all sounds familiar, I just copied and pasted it from last year, because I did the exact same thing.
As Brad so eloquently explained above, our plan to expand our rock horror theme to the full month was maybe the worst idea since someone combined Crystal Pepsi and New Coke, poured it on a McDonald’s Arch Deluxe, shoved it into a Betamax, and drove their Edsel into a wall on which was projected The Dark Knight Rises. Fortunately, Schlocktoberfest always balances things out by the rule that the shittier a movie is (of which there were SEVERAL), the better to make fun of it. And that’s the only thing that matters. Because while we may not have been rocked as hard as we would have liked, we still drank.
Most Pleasant Surprise: Shit, nothing, I guess. I watched two movies that scored more than a 5.5, and Wild Zero I’ve already seen, and DEATHGASM looked good from the moment I saw the trailer. I guess grasping at drills here I’ll say that Driller Killer had better gore than I imagined it would, especially considering that it was shot for the change in a dead homeless man’s pockets.
Least Pleasant Surprise: I wasn’t necessarily expecting Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart to be any good, but I was expecting it to be a movie, but instead it was a series of scenes based upon the fever dreams of a state fair hog cobbled together with rusted anal beads.
Most Disappointing Movie: I was foolishly looking forward to Paganini Horror because I so love the director’s previous sci-fi masterpiece, Star Crash. But it was just a mess… like Star Crash, but without the campy fun.
Runner-up: Rock ‘n Roll Nightmare – This was the second time Brad and I watched it, and we were really hoping it would be more of a fun guilty pleasure than it is, but it’s just way too slow and stupid. So it was like looking into a mirror, which frightened me.
Best Fake Movie: Bambaataa Horror
Runner-up: Dead Girls starring Aerosmith.
Favorite Villain: The family from Blood Tracks was a delightful, incestuous (presumably) bunch who lived among shit (actual fecal matter, not unrented copies of Witchcraft IV).
Runners-up: Beelzebub from Rock ‘n Roll Nightmare, Captain from Wild Zero, Reno from The Driller Killer, and the grandpa’s voice from Hack-O-Lantern.
Best Kill: I’m going to give it to the drill through the forehead in The Driller Killer, since that scene got the movie banned in England and all, and what I did to get banned from England was not nearly as bad. Although that’s up to interpretation.
Runners-up: The girl getting torched in the well from Hard Rock Nightmare.
Worst Kill: Paganini Horror – I still don’t get this cut. Literally and movie-wise.
Favorite Character: It’s a tie between Ace from Wild Zero and Brodie from DEATHGASM. They both love their music (rock ‘n roll and metal, respectively) and their women, although Ace’s woman is a dude.
Runner-up: John Triton from Rock ‘n Roll Nightmare because Thor is as likable as a stuffed turtle come to life.
Least Favorite Character: Hands down Jeff from The Video Dead. Yeah that was four years ago but I still hate him. This year, I’ll say the protagonist from Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart, whatever his name was and whatever he did, reporter or detective or leather-bound busboy or something. Fuck him for being so unmemorable.
Best Achievement in Casting: The band Guitar Wolf as the band Guitar Wolf in Wild Zero.
Runners-up: Mac’s dad from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia in Hack-O-Lantern, Donald Pleasence in Paganini Horror, Adam West in Zombie Nightmare, Julie Strain in Witchcraft IV: The Virgin Heart.
Worst Achievement in Special Effects: The hand-drawn electricity in Paganini Horror.
Runner-up: The Party City-level werewolf makeup in Neowolf: The Band from Hell.
Best Sense of Geography: The drummer from Rock ‘n Roll Nightmare, who keenly locates a lake 10 paces behind the house in which the band was staying to the astonishment of his girlfriend.
Most Annoying Misuse of a Hand Sign: The cult members from Hack-O-Lantern constantly telling everyone they love them.
Best Band: Guitar Wolf
Runner-up: Guitar Wolf
Second runner-up: Guitar Wolf
Best Song: All right, not counting Guitar Wolf, or the Black Hym from DEATHGASM because I can’t play it in public, my favorite was “Energy” by The Tritons, mainly due to my favorite-ever lyric, “I set my goals and I pace myself.” If you take nothing else away from this year’s Schlocktoberfest, please at least apply those words of wisdom to your daily lives.
Worst Band: The Bad Boys from Hard Rock Nightmare win the Battle of the Shitty Bands against Neowolf, and then they all go to a secluded cabin together so it’s not a total loss for them.
Best Writing Partners: Brad and Jim, without whom none of this would have been possible because then I would have had to review all these movies myself and that would have been a true rock ‘n roll nightmare. A big half metal, half I Love You hand shake to them, and our lovely readers.
Let’s start off with some mood music. This song pretty much sums up my thoughts as we tackled a month’s worth of cringe-worthy celluloid.
Well, here we are again at the end of another Schlocktoberfest. Was it good for you too? Since we dabbled in a month-long theme of metal/rock infused horror movies, I’d like to take the opportunity to handle my re-cap as if it were the Grammys™®©.
So without further ado,
Ladies and gentlemen (sort that out for yourselves),
The envelopes please…
Best Movie That I Surprisingly Didn’t Hate That Much: Black Roses (John Fasano director, Jerry Landesman producer).
I remember this one from the ‘old days, but nothing really specific until I watched it again this month. As I said in my review, it brought back great memories of being a late 80’s metal-head and for the record I have NEVER owned an Iroc-Z28.
Most Disappointing Movie of the Year: Scream Dream (Donald Farmer director, Bob Allison producer).
Disappointment doesn’t really come close as to the abject awfulness this movie instills in its viewers. I’ve seen tons of direct-to-video movies, but this one; I mean c’mon they weren’t even trying to make a shitty movie.
Best It Looked Good On The Outside, Then Upon Viewing It Just Made Me Question All Existence: Terror on Tour (Don Edmonds director, Sandy Cobe producer).
When I got the list of movies up for grabs this month, I think this was the 2nd or 3rd one I picked because I liked the title and the poster art was alluring. Put it to ya this way: the Trail Blazers picked Sam Bowie in the NBA draft of whatever year that was, and the pick right after him? Michael Jordan. I would have used NHL allegory but Gretzky was never drafted.
Best Performance of a Villain or Just A Plain ‘Ole Rotten Person: Sammi Curr (as portrayed by Tony Fields from Trick or Treat: Charles Martin Smith director, Michael S. Murphy producer).
A Solid Gold dancer dressed in a Borat tank top, and with half of Freddy Krueger’s makeup = a win in anybody’s language.
Final Girl of the Year: Courtney Bates (as portrayed by Crystal Bernard from Slumber Party Massacre 2: Deborah Brock director, Don Daniel producer).
Even though she ends up in the asylum with her sister, who was the Final Girl from the first Slumber Party Massacre, Courtney really did leave everything on the field. Naturally her downfall began seconds after she lost her virginity, thus negating Final Girl obligation #1: no sex. She also had to endure her partner’s chest being drilled apart – but hey, no one ever said love’s perfect.
Ms. Schlocktoberfest 2015: Juliette Cummins.
Two quick questions: can we post nude pictures of her on this site and why not? Anyhoo, seeing this movie again re-kindled my love for Ms. Cummins, who couldn’t have been sweeter in her replies to my frequent emails. Her lawyer however, well I didn’t appreciate his tone all that much.
Best Kill or Severe Ass-Kicking: The electrocution of Beef from Phantom of The Paradise (Brian DePalma director, Edward R. Pressman producer).
Word is that Gerrit Graham was running a sky-high fever and sick as a dog during his performance of “Life at Last” – and yet he still hit it right out of the fucking park. I’m certain that every other actor in these shit movies was in perfect health and they can’t even hold a candle to this portrayal.
Worst Kill or Moderate Scolding: Richard Sullivan’s (aka Evil) suicide from New Year’s Evil (Emmett Alston director, Golan/Globus producers).
A major rule of slasher movies is that the killer has to die as spectacularly and as grossly as possible, therefore ensuring that it can be described with two adverbs. Evil could have been squashed by the elevator, or fell down the shaft banging his head on the walls to the beat of “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” – but the patience and the budget obviously ran out and they had him jump off the roof.
Nude Scene of the Year: Melissa Moore’s generous tit-sharing in Scream Dream (Donald Farmer director, Bob Allison producer).
My run of movies this year was pretty low in the nudity department sad to say. That last screenshot in the review for Vicious Lips definitely convinced me that I should take my time next year when choosing my lineup. However Melissa Moore is always there for you to bring the average up a bit.
Best Thing I Learned From Reading The Comments Section: “I am apparently not only a father, but my kids play soccer for some awful reason.”
Most Deserving Death: Lou Sharkey (as portrayed by Gene Amonette from Scream Dream: Donald Farmer director, Bob Allison producer).
Even though I think he was the only one to say “cunt” this Schlocktoberfest, he was without a doubt the worst actor in an ocean of shit actors.
Best Performance of a Scene That I Really Wish I Could Forget: Toni Basil’s dance number from Slaughterhouse Rock (Dimitri Logothetis director, Louis George producer, Toni Basil choreographer).
The only way to mind-douche this out of your head is to go on YouTube and find one of those 10-hour clips of the Carlton Dance.
Best Review That I Didn’t Write: Brian’s Wild Zero (Tetsuro Takeuchi director, Kaichiro Furata producer), and Brad’s Heavy Metal Massacre (Steven DeFalco and Ron Ottaviano directors, David DeFalco producer).
Of course I picked one from each of them, I’m not that fucking stupid.
Album of the Year: Phantom of the Paradise. (Paul Williams: performer, writer, composer, producer, and basically rock and pop legend).
Still can’t say enough good things about this album, so here’s the link to it again.
Gift Of The Year From My Hard Ticket To Ho-Ho-Home Video Christmas List: My own avatar so I can stop showing up as “anonymous” in the comments section.
Best Rock or Metal Live Performance That Involved Members of the Audience Getting Killed: The Black Roses (John Fasano director, Jerry Landesman producer).
Not only was it a pretty decent effect, the look on the victims’ faces were locked in terror for sure, but they looked severely let down, as if they really wanted to enjoy the concert and they considered being killed by the band really bad form.
After Party: Sweet Jesus, bring on the free hooch! I think we deserve it at this point. Looking back on the last 31 days of Schlocktoberfest V – does anyone else want another drink?
I keed, it was an absolute blast as always and this tradition has made me look forward to October/Halloween like I was still a trick-or-treater. Cheers boys, the next round is on me.
A Quick BTW: This came up in one of my image searches for visuals, and it is by far the scariest fucking thing I’ve seen this month.
Sleep with the lights on, and see ya next year.
Thanks for reading, everyone! See you next year for Schlocktoberfest 666: The Schlock of the Beast!