SCREAM DREAM (1989)

By guest Schlocker Jim

Trailer: I actually couldn’t find one. This does not bode well. Here’s the full movie:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The lead singer to a metal band turns out to actually be a demon and not just a mere Satan worshipper. After her outing as a creature from the Underworld she is of course killed, then fired, and replaced with Melissa Moore (a famous 80’s scream queen) who then gets possessed by the demon’s spirit. Other shit happens, but it’s not really important.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The title card to this “movie” was clearly done on a Commodore 64.
• The movie in its entirety can be found on both YouTube and Dailymotion, and no one has asked for it to be taken down.
• This is visually and musically starting off exactly like a porno and I have a bad feeling it isn’t one.
• My goodness this girl can scream.
• She does seem quite frightened of that obviously cardboard chainsaw blade about to slice her in half via her secret garden.
• The singer’s name is Michelle Shocked? Didn’t Karen Johnston already have that name?
• Rick is quite possibly the least coolest guy I have ever seen.
• This band cannot lip synch or pretend to play guitars well at all.
• This guitar player grimaces like he’s having a massive coronary. One can only hope.
• The seem to be using the same shot of a few people in the audience that look like they’re in a club, but Rick and Susan are against a blue screen. I don’t mean they are Chroma-keyed in; they are standing in front of a screen that is colored blue. This is going to fucking suck.
• When Rick receives fellatio from Michelle, he rolls his head around like he’s having a bad dream. I’m hazarding a guess that this sort of thing has never happened to this actor in real life.
• And she bit his dick off – we can close the book on Rick. Thank God.
• The manager Mr. Sharkey (groan) has an Iron Maiden poster on his wall, and copies of Joan Jett & The Blackheart’s “I Love Rock & Roll” and Pete Townsend’s “All The Best Cowboys Have Chinese Eyes”. He is clearly a rock band manager with that kind of décor.
• Mr. Sharkey also, if I might add, obviously shops for shirts at Chess King.
• I hope everyone in this movie dies.
• The newscaster barges in to Sharkey’s office without a cameraman and no equipment yet shoves a microphone in his face.
• When the director told these actors to emote, they obviously thought he meant for them just to curse a lot.
• Is this Myrtle Beach? Judging from these actors’ accents I’d have to say we are on the Redneck Riviera.
• Why have ADR if it bleeds over the original actress’ dialogue?

Bed Shark.

• Every scene in this shitfest was done in one take – line flubs, stuttering, everything was left in. Guess they weren’t counting on adding a gag reel to the Blu-ray.
• All things aside, I find Michelle quite fetching. Should she be scared or should I?
• Rick was trying to go for an amalgam of Robert Plant and Lou Gramm for his look.
• Wait, so both the boyfriend and the guy in the band are named Rick? They were that fucking lazy with the writing?
• Sharkey just called the reporter a cunt. What kind of machine does he think he’s running here?
• What exactly is this reporter’s problem?
• There are so many phone conversations in this movie its beginning to look like Bob Newhart stand-up.
• Jaime finds Michelle’s body and starts chewing on her neck wound why exactly?
• The rescue attempt of the American hostages in Iran back in 1980 went smoother than this sex scene.
• So if you are killed by the Jaime demon, your screams automatically get processed through an Echoplex?
• Why is this dough-y dick tree Rick always shirtless?
• Three people have just been killed, and I have no idea what the hell happened.
• Was Linnea Quigley not available during the filming of this movie? She would have at least lent some talent to the proceedings.
• All Rick is is a backup singer? Shit piss and corruption.

Not exactly Tim Curry in Legend, but close.

• Jaime at least has the common decency to rip her top off while she Bruce Banner’s into a demon.
• Saw the old hand-out-of-the-grave gag coming a mile away.
• Now that I think of it, who the hell was the girl from the opening scene and how did it relate to the movie’s plot?

Scare Volume: You’ve got to be kidding me.

Gore Volume: I’d say around 1 gallon of very bad stage blood was used – mostly for throat wounds which the director had a fetish for I guess.

Nudity Volume: Melissa Moore is in this, so you can always count on her to let her quite magnificent puppies breathe.

Ladies and Gentlemen! Triumph The Insult Comic Demon!

Best Kill: The very slow and very deserved throat cutting of Sharkey.

Best Scene: Jaime and Rick’s argument/critique of Michelle’s heavy metal prowess.

Worst Scene: All of ‘em.

Best Lyric: “She dresses like a hooker and probably smells too!” How did you get there from here Ms?

How ’bout the Tunes: Couldn’t find any videos of the songs either – so, you know, that should tell you enough about their quality.

Band Rating: There were only three songs utilized, and the self titled main theme is enough to make you Q-tip your ears past the point of no return. Shit Sandwich!

Overall: Congratulations You’re Next, you have been usurped as the worst movie I’ve reviewed here. This movie is only 63 minutes long, yet I encountered the same problem Brian did with Dead Girls – it took me a week to watch it. A real stinkeroo.

Score: 0.5 Mushy Fringe Leather Jacket Lou Gramm Failed Clones (out of 10)