SLUMBER PARTY MASSACRE II (1987)
By guest Schlocker Jim
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Crystal Bernard is in this, so thankfully this movie will have “wings.”
- Girls always slept so fucking sexy back in the 80’s.
- Courtney’s erotic dream consists of a shirtless douche from a Chap Stick commercial catching a football.
- Her dream then immediately segues into a semi-recap of the first Slumber Party Massacre and a complete spoiler of the rest of the current movie.
- Exactly like its predecessor, this movie was written and directed by a woman so spare me the anti-women motif in slasher movie shit.
- This movie was filmed in 1986, but uses a kitchen clearly from 1975.
- Courtney has a teal blue Ibanzez in her bedroom. I have a bad feeling she’s gonna play it.
- Are Courtney and her Mom supposed to be from the south or are they really bad at hiding their accents?
- ZZ Top choreography does not a good band make.
- Sweet! The lead singer for this band is Juliette Cummins – aka Robin the hot redhead from Friday The 13th Part 5.
- The drummer ordered a Slice to drink. Oh, those awesome 1980’s.
- I wonder if The Bangles started out like this. I’ll have to watch their Behind The Music again.
- Dinty Moore beef stew and a glass of milk for dinner. Why does it always have to be a glass of milk for the kid in a dinner scene no matter what their age is?
- If your Mom forgets your birthday, it is never a good sign.
- You can tell that Courtney’s would-be boyfriend is a jock because he has a poster in his room that actually says “football.” Makes sense to me, after we finally got cable in the early 1980’s – I had a poster in my bedroom that said “soft-core porn.” I know it was a long way to go for that joke, but I am proud of it nonetheless.
- Awww, Courtney has a bedside lamp made out of a pink teddy bear. She is clearly the virgin final girl.
- Even more spoiler-filled foreshadowing nightmares from Courtney. Why can’t she flick her bean like every other girl? I sense that I might have almost gone too far with that one.
- The 2nd unit footage has better cinematography than the main unit.
- The killer’s stupid drill guitar looks like something Kane Roberts would have used when he toured with Alice Cooper.
- The condo the girls are heading to looks like it exists in the same neighborhood as the one from E.T. and Poltergeist.
- Corn dogs, easy cheese, Oreos, diet Pepsi, champagne, beer, and chips. I miss being able to eat and drink complete shit.
- Did slumber parties always involve intensely choreographed dance movements?
- Slow motion feathers flying in the air = something erotic about to happen, or a John Woo/Ridley Scott movie.
- Courtney dreams that she wakes up next to the football douche again, however this time it is done to the “game over” music from Final Fantasy VII.
- For inexplicable reasons, the girl in the band with the greatest tits, who was a Playmate of the Month in real life – does not get naked in this movie.
- I miss girls in extra heavy socks and white Reeboks.
- The recurring use of the blow up sex doll as a metaphor for teenage sexuality, is almost Orson Welles-ian.
- Courtney’s band should have just jammed on this song in the living room at this point:
- When washing cars with sponges and hoses, ONLY HAVE GIRLS IN BIKINIS DO IT!
- Of course no movie from the 1980’s can be complete without a Patrick Nagel print on the wall somewhere. (See Comedy Central’s Moonbeam City if you don’t get that reference.)
- The ornery cop’s name is Krueger! Get it?
- TJ and Sheila’s escape from the house looks like a bad 3-legged race with blood involved.
- Has shouting. “1…2…3…go!” ever really worked in a stressful situation?
- When getting your guts drilled out while you are driving, it is very considerate to hit the brakes.
- Officer Krueger hung up on Courtney while she was pleading for help. Why he didn’t say that he was her boyfriend now is beyond me.
- Why do people always have to rub their fingers together when they have something on them that is always and clearly blood?
- Worst use of the “Dallas-escape” ending to a movie ever.
- When this movie opened on October 30th, 1987, the number one song in the country was Michael Jackson’s “Bad.” It clearly should have been “Let’s Buzz” by Atanas Ilitch.
Scare Volume: Not that loud. I guess the dream sequences could be classified as having some tension, but I’ve seen this movie almost as many times as I’ve masturbated to it. Yes, I know how that looks.
Gore Volume: Mucho blood, some flesh chunks and a whole lot of pimple pus.
Nudity Volume: Enough to make your ears ring. This was an all girl slumber party after all, and Juliette Cummins was a major crush of mine in the old days. I rented this movie more than once back then. Ahem.
Best Kill: When Courtney’s boyfriend gets the guitar drill right through the chest. It clearly shows that the majority of the budget went to this shot.
Best Scene: When Sheila does her moronic topless chicken dance. It looks bad typed but in the movie it doesn’t.
Worst Scene: When Amy, for absolutely no apparent reason, takes a header off of the unfinished condo’s balcony. I mean she didn’t even trip or anything.
Best Lyric: “I didn’t know girls did this stuff!” “That’s because we’re dead and this is heaven!” Wow, get out of the house more boys.
Second Best Lyric: “I’m all wet! Ha ha ha ha!” Sheila, you are a queen amongst serfs.
How ’bout the Tunes: The songs in this movie tend to stay in your head for at least 3 hours, so I’d have to rate them somewhere between Chuck Mangione and Starland Vocal Band.
Band Rating: If you watch this movie for the music, then you’re missing the point of it entirely. Do any currently raging hormone teenage guys out there watch Katy Perry videos for the complex melodies and time changes? I rest my case. Shit Sandwich!
Overall: As I said before, this was a frequently checked out movie for me in the old days. I’m sure the clerks at Blockbuster Video probably red-flagged me after the 3rd or 4th renting and looked upon me as a talking snake, juggling the VHS tape and an apple while telling them that the voice they heard from the sky was a fucking liar. It was fun, it was stupid, and it moderately rocked. The movie is still here – I’m still here – and Blockbuster isn’t. Read of that, as you will. Amen.
Score: 6 Massive Exploding Zits (out of 10)