SLAUGHTERHOUSE ROCK (1988)
by Guest Schlocker Jim
What’s It About: Nancy, I mean Alex is suffering from graphic nightmares of a killer from long ago. Through the help of a deceased singer, he helps to permanently eradicate the malevolent fiend and bring order to the galaxy. Well, more like he calms things down a bit at Alcatraz.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- Taurus Entertainment? I guess they ran out of constellations after Orion went tits up.
- Torches that light themselves during a POV shot – nope this won’t suck at all.
- Shots of rats swimming is never a good sign either.
- All of the movies we review this month are going to look like old Twisted Sister videos aren’t they?
- Why would a decapitated skeleton bleed?
- Waking up from a nightmare with only one hand is clearly masturbatory allegory, and I am a poet who didn’t know it.
- A bloody font combined with a chrome font. Fuck, do I miss the 80’s.
- OK, Toni Basil is in this and if I hear so much as the first 6 notes of “Mickey” I’m outta here.
- Hmmm, soundtrack by Mark Mothersbaugh and performed by Devo. There might be some hope here after all.
- Remember when wearing sneakers with the tongue all the way up was cool? Just me I guess.
- The lead singer to the group “Body Bag” killed herself on stage one night – the 80’s really did have it in for heavy metal.
- Guys in mullets dreaming of dental school, that’s not how I remember 1988.
- When there are 2 girls in the shot and one of them is wearing a jacket with fringe – you know which one is the bad girl.
- Richard’s apparent conquests of underage girls would make Gary Glitter jealous.
- Alex and Richard look like they didn’t make the final cut for Jesse and The Rippers.
- Uh oh, a blind date that takes place on Friday the 13th!
- Who doesn’t “golf clap” when you see tits?
- That had to be the worst Flipper imitation done by a douche bag in white tennis duds wearing a pink Mike Reno headband ever captured on film.
- I have no idea how I’m going to get through the rest of this movie.
- Holy smokes! He just puked worms! This is serious shit.
- Cloud formation stock footage.
- While in his “dream” Alex comes face to face with whom I presume to be the cause of all these shenanigans, and he turns out to be a fat version of the lead singer of Toto butchering a pig.
- While the Jedi-hottie pours over ancient tomes to help Alex and his plight, he’s off in the corner playing with shit from Spencer’s Gifts.
- Alex decides he wants to “eat something cold out of a can and lay awake all night.” Remember the days before the internet?
- Clouds again.
- Now Alex is hovering above his bed like Linda Blair while he sleeps. Is that such a bad thing? I would imagine it helps your back.
- The killer is stripping Alex’s flesh off and eating it like jerky. Good.
- OK, the entire gang is now headed to Alcatraz at night. PLEASE may the killing ensue?
- The comic relief’s jokes are actually not that bad.
- When exactly will this Slaughterhouse begin to rock as advertised?
- An asthmatic killer’s POV – that’s new.
- Alex sure does get thrown to the ground an awful lot.
- Was that a quite literal janitor in a drum?
- Clouds again.
- Alex’s spirit guide is the aforementioned dead lead singer of Body Bag. I guess Jim Morrison and John Lennon were busy elsewhere on the astral plane.
- It can be said for every instance of it, but was that rape really necessary?
- The evil Commandant Mordecai G. Langston! A name that strikes fear into the hearts of civil war historians everywhere.
- Yes, let’s all help Brenda while she’s getting her throat ripped out, by running away and leaving her there.
- So they have to get the gas cans from the shed, but they have to get the lighter from Brenda’s pocket first. This is starting to unfold like an old MDL role playing game.
- Christ, Alex’s bones are breaking faster than Mr. Glass’.
- Seems the Jedi-hottie had a “down to my bra only” clause in her contract. Ah, the hell with her she died in the explosion anyway.
- How can you ask a favor of someone “for old times sake” when you’ve known them for only 35 minutes?
- Demon burned, friends all dead, but you escape from Alcatraz with your girlfriend intact – annnnnd scene.
Scare Volume: The awfulness of this movie combined with its almost domineering late 80’s vibe make it too damn funny to be scary.
Gore Volume: About as much as this severely low budget movie could muster, which actually isn’t that bad – some of the effects are pulled off well.
Nudity Volume: Fleeting and shadowed topless-ness.
Best Scene: There wasn’t one.
Worst Scene: I’d say it was an hour and 24 minute tie for first place. But if I had to pick one it would be Toni Basil’s ants-in-the-pants dancing ritual for out of body experience training. Reminded me of that girl in AC/DC’s video for “Sink The Pink.”
How ’bout the Tunes: Meh.
Band Rating: The band and music in the film couldn’t rock even if they were filmed in a quarry.
Overall: Whew. That was only my first movie in? Well, after that shit-fest I’m ready for whatever else will be thrown at me over the course of the next 31 days that’s for sure. I thought that the obvious-to-me-at-least pun on “Schoolhouse Rock” was going to be driving the plot by taking place at a high school or college, and not Alcatraz. This movie would have scored a perfect ten if, for the final battle, Alex was aided by Rufus Xavier Sarsaparilla and that little train conductor dude from Conjunction Junction.
Score: 2 Toni Basil Conniption Fits (out of 10)