VICIOUS LIPS (1986)

This is the closest video I can find to a trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The hottest new band in the galaxy is Vicious Lips who after acquiring a brand new lead singer, Judy Jetson, are destined to be the best—if only they can overcome inter-band squabbling and being stranded on a unknown desert planet.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• The music sounds like Vixen. But it’s some band named Drock. Are you ready to Drock? Drock N’ Friggin’ Roll!
• From the visionary director of Sword and the Sorcerer. Hope there’s an ass massage scene in this flick too.
• There’s a chick here, the villain I’m assuming, that looks like Dr. Frank N. Furter. But with better gams.
• I’m going to assume that that singer’s name isn’t really Judy Jetson. Or perhaps it is.
• A three-breasted alien hooker! Total Recall stole it from this movie! My whole life is a lie!
• This editing is pissing me off. During panning shots there’s split second jump cuts for no reason other than to annoy the viewers eyes.
• Well that was quick. Judy was forced to lead this band by their manager and the band didn’t think she had the chops. A few lines of very nice new wave singing and the band and the audience is already accepting her.
• Why do the girls’ guitars look like it has a small bug zapper on the headstocks.
• Three of the 4 girls in the group look like Siouxee Sioux and the Banshees but one girl is dressed more like Indiana Jones.
• I like how the distant future looks exactly like the mid-80s. When was the film made? 1986.
• If one of your set designs involves those static electricity balls from Spenser’s, you’re in trouble. (Also see: Slaughterhouse Rock)
• The spaceship special effect is atrociously bad. It’s akin to someone holding a poorly constructed model in front of the camera and having a space background pan across. The opening credits to MST3K looked more realistic.
• The Judy Jetson girl kinda reminds me of Cobie Smulders when she played Robin Sparkles on How I Met Your Mother.
• The tunes ain’t half bad. So far it’s he best aspect of this flick. Although all the reviews I read call this band a punk band. They are more The Bangles than The Runaways. Think Jem and the Holograms.
• For some reason their idiot sleazy manager is piloting the star cruiser and nearly flies into an asteroid. Quick evasive maneuvering lands them on a deserted planet. These are not the droids we’re looking for.
• Maybe they can go to Tosche station to pick up some power converters.
• I don’t know if I missed a detail or two while I was recording notes but their spaceship had a large ape-like creature in the cargo hold and he’s just escaped. I rewound the video and I still didn’t hear or see a scene about them having a ship with this kind of cargo.

• This film is dragging so slowly now. Their manager is exploring the desert for help or something and the girls are smoking some narcotic while the ape-like creature struggles to leave a room.
• GET ON WITH IT!!!!!
• Was that an Alien movie reference that one of the girls made? I wish I knew what year this movie actually takes place. I’m thinking far far future with the space travel and all. I doubt some 20-year-old singer saw Alien. Sure it’s a classic but it would be decades old by then or more.
• Naked desert dwelling chicks. Now we’re talking.
• There’s less than a half hour left and nothing has happened yet!!
• You’re stranded on a desert planet with no communication, is this really the time to bicker about band loyalty?
• Vicious Nips.
• I really have no clue what’s going on. Nor do I care.
• It would’ve been awesome if Blackie Lawless played the creature. Or Ronnie James Dio.
• Why is Judy hallucinating? She’s imagining the Frank N. Furter lady (Maxine) asking her about fame (I didn’t even think she knew who she was yet) and some tuxedoed gent asking her about getting married and having babies. Who is this fella anyway? Now she’s imagining the formal singer of Vicious Lips is attacking her. This all doesn’t make sense.
• So it was all a dream? Judy wakes up in an elevator at the location for the major gig for Maxine. So when did Judy faint or get knocked out? Did I miss that too?
• I’m confused as who the drummer in Vicious Lips is? One is on keys, the other two are bass and guitar and Judy sings. So who’s playing drums? I’m not even sure where the drums are!
• I guess this flick is an allegory for the excess of fame and the pursuit of it and how you can get lost along the way unless you are humble and unselfish.

Scare Volume: Are you scared of an all-girl pop-rock-new wave band? Are you scared of an ape-like creature in bad make-up lazily chasing them in a crashed spaceship? Are you scared that your precious time will waste away like an atrophied limb?

Gore Volume: My eyes bled. Does that count?

Nudity Volume: Some T&A on the nomadic desert chicks. There was also that instance of the tri-bosomed alien hooker (that Total Recall had the gall to rip off!)

Best Scene: Any of the concert scenes will easily be the most worthwhile to anyone’s time. But that’s pretty much like just stating Dr. Oz has a medical degree.

Worst Scene: Any scene with the Lips after they crash on the desert planet, which is basically the rest of the stinkin’ film and it’s filled with useless and pointless scene after scene. It drags like the ballsack of a paralyzed dachshund.

How ’bout the Tunes: However, the soundtrack is pretty good. I did try to download the soundtrack but it’s not in the same league as Rocktober Blood or Hard Rock Zombies. It reminds me a lot of the Cherrybombs in Howard the Duck. Cool chicks who can rock the house. If for any reason to see this dismally boring flick it would be for the tunes.

Band Rating: The Vicious Lips as a band was pretty decent I’d have to admit. Although I have a huge soft spot for 80s synth pop so I’m sure they wouldn’t jive well with most people. I didn’t love every song but I didn’t hate anything they sang either. None More Black.

Overall: This movie is garbage no doubt about that. But I’d have to say that I didn’t hate it. The songs certainly helped sure, but there was enough kitsch and charm in this dumb sci-fi/musical/comedy to elevate it slightly above the other boring and stupid flicks we’ve watched this month. I really can’t praise it nor recommend it but I also can’t sentence it to a long slow painful death either. Weird but go figure. Things that could’ve helped this flick are an actual plot, more nudity, more action and/or adventure and more creatures. The girls were basically useless on that planet and they forced their dip-shit manager to find help. If they had ventured out and figured a solution all on their own then we’d maybe have some decent feminine heroes to watch. Not a bunch of sissy girls fighting with each other and fleeing from an ape-like creature that amounts to nothing.

Score: 4 Naked Desert Nomads (out of 10)