Schlocktoberfest V – Day 20: Hard Rock Nightmare





*Spoilers Throughout*

Hard Rock Nightmare coverWhat’s It About: Shitty rock band goes to a remote cabin and gets slaughtered. Stop me if you’ve heard this one.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • Grandpa tells his grandson that he’s a werewolf. Then he tells him he’s a vampire. Make up your fucking mind. Anyway, I imagine this is still better than The Visit.
  • Haha, the grandson drives a stake through his grandpa’s heart while he’s napping. That’s what you get for your bullshit stories!
  • Off to a real shitty start with the music.
  • Lot of Nordic names in the credits. NOT GOOD.
  • This band is practicing in their garage and attracting all the pussy in town but these chicks must be desperate as shit because this band sucks hard cocks.
  • Produced by Steven Baio. Scott’s dad?
  • The cops bust them up, doing everyone in the neighborhood and music in general a favor.
  • The main character Jimmy looks exactly like former Chicago Bears quarterback Rex Grossman. They both suck.
  • There’s a constant overhead airplane noise in all of these scenes. It’s completely ridiculous.
  • The Bears defense in Super Bowl XLI was definitely championship caliber, but the offense just wasn’t up to snuff, and most of the blame lays on Grossman’s shoulders, but really head coach Lovie Smith never paid enough attention to that side of the ball.
    Grossman's play would prove to be as sloppy and inept as the production of Hard Rock Nightmare.

    Grossman’s play would prove to be as sloppy and inept as the production of Hard Rock Nightmare.


  • The fact that they have a Winnebago in this movie already means that the budget is 10 times higher than Dead Girls.
  • This chick has horned in on their Winnebago trip to Jimmy’s farm (where he staked gramps earlier) and she’s after all the balls she can get. She’s clearly some kind of succubus.
  • Jimmy has a dream that his grandpa his laughing at him and everyone he knows has really awkward fake vampire teeth. I have weirder dreams than that all the time.
  • The keyboardist of the band looks like the Encyclopedia Britannica kid. It’s funny, my daughter’s never going to have any idea what an encyclopedia is. Unless i give her my old set of Encyclopedia Brown books. Which she’ll have to earn through hard labor.
  • If nobody’s been to this farm for years, wouldn’t it not have electricity that they would need to power their instruments? It would also be totally dilapidated and have cobwebs thicker than an elephant’s dick trunk.
  • There seems to be a subplot with Jimmy’s sleazy rich uncle (played by screen legend Troy Donahue!), but I can tell it’s not going to go anywhere so fuck talking about it. OR IS IT?!
  • There are already lights on at the house. What the fuck am I missing here?
  • This band is a total musical abortion, but on a scale of the bands we’ve seen so far in Schlocktoberfest, they’re not the worst. Maybe the second-worst.
  • Ok, we’re 1/3 of the way through and it would be just fine if something happened.
  • I might look up later if Jimmy has ever been in gay porn in addition to being an NFL quarterback, because it seems very likely, but I probably won’t. His Keith Haring shirt is further confusing matters.
  • BOOM MIC! That would be a good name for a horror movie where a metal band’s roadie goes crazy and kill the band members with explosives.
  • The phone rings, Jimmy picks it up and says, “Grandpa? Full moon? Don’t kill me…” If I had a nickel for every phone call I’ve had like that.
  • Tina stops mid-handjob with the blonde mulleted drummer, he says, “All I wanted was a little head,” then a werewolf comes and claws his head off. Classic.
  • There’s another guy with a blonde mullet, maybe he’s the drummer, it’s hard to keep track. There’s another cat named Charlie who looks exactly like Jimmy. I think the guy who died was Timmy. This is fucking confusing.
  • Oh and there’s another guy with a blonde mullet. At least he’s 8 feet tall. It’s a little hard to tell them apart from some of the women, though.
  • I don’t understand why they’re interchanging talking about werewolves and vampires.
  • Two of the nimrods are off to the Winnebago to use the CB because the phones don’t work even though Jimmy just used the phone 3 minutes ago.
  • Out of all the “cabins in the woods” young adults have gone to to get killed in horror movies, this is one of the nicest cabins.
  • Everyone seems to be in a decent mood even though their friend was brutally murdered 10 minutes ago.
  • Seriously everyone’s kind of having a good time. What a bunch of dickwranglers.
  • This girl pops her shirt off in the middle of the forest and we don’t get to see even the top half of her nipple, just her bare back. Again, their friend just died. They get high, and they’re gonna die, just like everyone who smokes the devil’s weed.
  • “Forget Tim, he’s dead.” Wow these people are awful. Really makes you concerned for their survival.
  • The name of the band is The Bad Boys. This is so close to gay porn you can smell the Astroglide.
    "Now I know we're all upset that Jimmy..." "Timmy..." "...Timmy has forgotten to wear his leather..."

    “Now I know we’re all upset that Jimmy…” “Timmy…” “…Timmy has forgotten to wear his leather…”


  • I guess I take that back, because here’s a girl’s bare breasts. Eh, but still.
  • Now Jimmy is dreaming about all his male friends in women’s underwear. Gay porn back on. He’ll have to change the sheets when he wakes up.
  • Unsurprisingly it looks like there’s semen on the lens during this dream sequence.
  • Maybe hire two fewer actors so you can have enough special effects budget to show onscreen deaths instead of cutting away to blood splatter.
  • “RUN LIKE A MANIAC DIE LIKE A MANIAC!” Now this is a fucking song! And there’s no way it’s by The Bad Boys.
  • Pretty sure you can’t just make silver bullets in a few minutes.
  • So Jimmy melted down a silver frame, somehow, and made it into a bullet, also somehow.
  • So people are being killed by the werewolf and it just doesn’t matter.
  • Tina hides in the well and someone pours gas on her and sets her on fire and it’s hysterical.
  • So the werewolf is fake, obviously it’s the rich uncle, for some reason.
  • I guess making a silver bullet was a complete waste of time.
  • So the uncle and his son have been killing people to get the oil underneath the house, and they were making it look like Crazy Jimmy dressed as a werewolf and killed everyone? Ok…
    Still from "Hard Rock Nightmare."

    Still from “Hard Rock Nightmare.”


  • Why didn’t they just blow the house up and make it look like there was a gas leak and the sparks from everyone’s dongs rubbing together set it off?
  • So Jimmy shoots his uncle in the chest and says, “Fuck you, Uncle Gary!” That’s the best ending we could have hoped for.

Scare Volume: There’s a werewolf, but it’s not a scarewolf.

Gore Volume: About as much as you’ll see in your average Spirit of Halloween store.

Nudity Volume: One set of ok boobs. No fake werewolf dick.

Best Scene: By far the beginning with the old man’s vampire story and the kid staking him through the heart, which is actually hilarious and fairly original. Then it’s a downhill piss waterslide from there.

Worst Scene: Might as well go with this since it’s the only god damn clip I can find. 

Best Line: “How can a wolf light a match?”

How ’bout the Tunes: Perfect for drowning your sorrows at a leather club, bad for anything else:

Band Rating: The Bad Boys are on par with a local band who gets a gig at a dive bar on a Tuesday night just so they can get a few free beers and some middle-aged divorcee ass.


Overall: Recently I drank a bunch of NyQuil and had a vivid nightmare of eating at the Hard Rock Cafe with Fred Durst as my waiter. Now that was a Hard Rock Nightmare. This movie, however, is neither hard rocking nor nightmarish. I’ve read comments elsewhere that this movie is like a live-action Scooby-Doo episode, which is fairly accurate, except there’s no lovable dog and all the characters are Velma. Not the worst Schlocktoberfest flick this month, but definitely the worst handjob tutorial.

Score: 3.5 Well Immolations (out of 10)

11 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest V – Day 20: Hard Rock Nightmare

  1. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest V – Day 26: Lone Wolf | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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