LONE WOLF (1988)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: The archetypical renegade Texas Ranger, J.J. McQuade, wages war against a drug kingpin with automatic weapons, his wits and martial arts after a gun battle leaves his partner dead. All of this inevitably culminates a martial arts showdown between the drug lord and the ranger, and involving the woman they both love. DAMMIT! I accidentally watched Lone Wolf McQuade! 

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• There’s an actor going by the name Siren. Is this a porn actress? Or is it a trained dog or wolf that’s getting top billing in the opening credits perhaps? Stay tuned.
• According to imdb, Siren plays Colleen, so it’s not a dog actor.
• After a few beers, the lady (who owns the vehicle) warns the now blue-balled suitor that he can’t drive her car. He angrily responds “Terrific! Drive your own goddamned car!” You tell her dude!
• Forget it lady, you can do way better than that chump. Plus his name is Skip.
• “Let it rock! Let it rock! Let it go out of control and never stop!” The lead singer Eddie kinda looks like a tougher, meaner Adam Lambert. Just slightly tougher and meaner actually.
• Some girl in the club is talking to an old man with long gray beard saying that the band is going to make him some bucks. Yeah but just some.
• Ozzy and Maiden posters hanging on the walls. Not too shabby. Although some points off since it’s Ozzy’s “The Ultimate Sin” album. Hell, who am I kidding, I would rather listen to an acoustic version of “Shot in the Dark” than watch this.
• “Our first groupie!” Every member of the band simultaneously thought about pounding her six ways to Sunday.
• So the lead singer lives at home with his aunt who is making him breakfast. She then scolds him because his probation officer told her that Eddie needs to go to school “every day.” Eddie said sorry he forgot. But my question is, how is Eddie allowed to play rock n’ roll in a club if he’s on probation? 
• Kudos to the joke that the sarge was on the phone with one of the other cops, who was complaining at the precinct with his feet on his desk. The sarge lastly tells him to get his feet off his desk. It was unexpected is all. Sue me, I have to find some silver linings in this shit cloud.
• “Eat shit and die!” Man I haven’t heard that great insult in a long time. It needs to be said more often.
• There’s a lot of talk about computers, programming and operating systems. Very unexpected for this type of movie.
• Skip’s dad looks like a Duggar clan member.
• I haven’t seen this much physical violence and fighting over computers. Hell, Steve Jobs was had less fights over computers.
• One of the students came across the werewolf in an alley and frightened, ran away but only about 5 yards away. So it’s no surprise that he’s promptly killed within a few moments later. If you see a werewolf in an alley you may want to hightail it a tad farther than a few feet.

I’ll call you on the phone, ’cause I’m all alone, I’m a wolf that’s lone, throw this bad dog a bone…

• Why is the club manager wearing an WWI era aviator cap?
• Eddie may be gay. What other reason would he avoid the girl coming on to him hard? Maybe he’s just shy? Sensitive perhaps? Maybe she’s a cesspool of venereal diseases?
• Of course the computer teacher has to relate the deaths of a few students to computers somehow. What a one-track mind.
• We only see one class in this whole school and that’s the computer class. I’m shocked we saw the library for a few minutes. But are they going to shoehorn computer programming into this werewolf flick somehow? Just seems so odd. And dated.
• Callas County? The director’s name is Callas. That’s awfully humble of him. 
• “We wanna rock you all night long. And we wiiiiilllllll! Yeah you know what we’re talkin’ about. Rock out!” This top Mutt Lange produced shit!
• So they broke into the computer teacher’s classroom to do police record database research and was caught but they were told to just leave. Lenient school.
• I’m going to take a wild stab in the dark and guess that the computer teacher is the lycanthrope.
• So far the only times we see the werewolf kill someone is either in the woods or in an alley in the city. Why the two extremes? And the alley I understand because the prey amount is higher but why does it bother going to the forest? However, it gets very lucky with victims in the woods so what do I know?
• I’m really not sure who the main character is in the film. I thought it was Eddie, the lead singer but now the focus is mainly on Joel the computer whiz and Julie, Skip’s girlfriend who is helping Joel. There’s another girl, Deidre who has some nefarious plans and is in love with Eddie but so far I can’t figure out what her plan is.
• In an earlier scene, Deidre’s friend Colleen and some dude were in the woods (trying to) making out and were nearly attacked by the wolf. Colleen, pissed at being desired, demanded to be driven to Deidre’s house. When she’s dropped off there, she’s attacked by the wolf. How and why did the werewolf follow the car that long?
• A Teen-Wolf reference. In your wildest dreams Lone Wolf.
• They immediately jumped to the silver bullet conclusion. I guess I would think that too but I would also try a regular bullet first anyway.
• And how are they not more surprised and bewildered by the fact that there’s a genuine werewolf in their town? They’re reacting to it like it’s a bear that wandered in from the forest.
• Joel got those silver bullets awfully quick. What did that take? A day? Did he too melt down a silver frame?
• Joel tracked the werewolf using a computer? What?! Does the lycanthrope come equipped with GPS?
• “Tonight’s the winter costume ball!” Winter costume ball?
• Heehee, Mrs. Lipschitz.
• A $500 scholarship will be awards to the best dressed costume? Were colleges giving scholarships that frivolously then?
• I love how the Scooby gang thinks that hiding in the school would be a good idea to avoid the cops who are looking for them when the whole school is swarming with cops because of the rash of attacks and murders. Brilliant plan Joel.
• The werewolf transformation scene is a very pale imitation to Baker’s An American Werewolf in London. Pale as in a whiter shade of.
• The six finalists for the $500 scholarship for best costume are: a common witch (no make-up), a British sailor from like the HMS Pinafore, a clown (I think), a princess (or a harem girl), a French maiden (I think) and a lousy looking home-made Mr. Peanut. What a contest!

Spirit of Halloween isn’t exactly open for business in late November/early December is it?

• Some decent gore effects from the werewolf I must admit. At least it shows stuff like brutal face rippings and decapitation.
• Yup. The werewolf was the computer teacher. Circle gets the square!
• I know a lot of people died due to a werewolf rampage but you guys really should get on stage now and rock n roll!!
• Sheesh. It’s such a happy ending that even Eddie’s unsupporting aunt is dancing along to the music.

Scare Volume: I’m sleepy and I want to just go to bed.

Gore Volume: Credit where credit is due and this little werewolf flick did give us some nice gore effects. Here’s the best bit:

Nudity Volume: This film may be rated R but it’s not for the skin.

Best Scene: Easily, the short werewolf rampage during the winter costume ball.

Loan Wolf?

Worst Scene: While the movie isn’t a total stinker it definitely needs a lot of work, especially in acting department. The kids really can’t emote themselves out of a paper bag. I can’t really pick one scene without having to watch this film again and I won’t (would rather watch Chuck Norris in Lone Wolf McQuade again) but I’d go with the finale with them simply just shooting the wolf and revealing that it was the computer teacher. I know there’s not much new that can be brought to the werewolf table but it was as simple as scare, point, click, shoot, transform, die.

How ’bout the Tunes: For late 80s cheese metal it wasn’t that pain-inducing. Actually the tunes were very tolerable.

Band Rating: I don’t recall the name of the group, if they even gave them a name but they were your typical 80s wannabe hair metal band. Like Kix, Sheriff and Firehouse they would be just about Lick My Love Pump.

Overall: Coming down to the final few flicks of this month and either I’m getting soft or going insane with these flicks because I can’t say too much good or bad about this one. Don’t get me wrong—it’s garbage and belongs in the relative obscurity for the end of time. I’m probably also getting lazy at this point. But can you blame me? The filmmakers are lazy as well or just inept at their craft. Did I hate this flick? Not really. I’ve seen way way worse this month. Would I recommend this? Not really, unless you love werewolves, shitty hard rock bar bands or computer programming. This was a total middle-of-the-road horror movie with some so-bad-its-good moments.

Score: 5 Werewolves with GPS (out of 10)