Schlocktoberfest V – Day 25: Hack-O-Lantern




*Spoilers Throughout*

Hack 'O LanternWhat’s It About: A boy’s grandfather is in a satanic cult and the boy is the antichrist or something and I don’t care and neither will you.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • Here’s the second weird grandpa/creepy kid scene of the month. This one seems much more likely to end in inappropriate touching. 
  • “But mom I like the taste of blood. Grandpa says it’s good for me!” It’s true. That’s why I put human blood on my kid’s cereal instead of milk. 
  • So the grandpa’s daughter hates him, so her husband Bill goes to confront him, but at his barn is Haxan of the highest order. 
  • Apparently young Tommy is the antichrist, and his grandpa does a mean Rex Reed impersonation when he’s in his Satan-worshiping garb. 
  • There’s some extremely out of place “chase” music during a scene of Tommy sitting on his bed doing nothing. 
  • Dissolve to an older Tommy sitting on his bed doing nothing. Hey, that’s also exactly what I’m doing right now!
  • So Grandpa and Tommy have totally bonded over this Satanism thing. That’s heartwarming. I wish my grandpa and I had more in common. 
  • There are more devil horn hand signs in this than Dio ever saw in all his years. 

See, like this.

  • Is it being implied that Tommy is a product of father-daughter incest?
  • Or I don’t know, maybe he’s just posing as his grandpa and Tommy’s mom is a former cult member? Eh, whatever. 
  • Tub tits. 
  • Do women play pranks on each other while one’s in the tub? I think yes. 
  • So here’s our music element: Tommy’s in a hairdeath metal band. They’re not half bad. Certainly not hacks. 
  • Tommy’s fake guitar playing is on par with Dragon Sound
Coven forever!

Coven friends forever, we sacrifice together through thick or thin!

  • Wait, Tommy’s metal band was just a nightmare? Well shit. 
  • The acting in this is on par with a community theater troupe that all died of asphyxiation when there was a carbon monoxide leak in their playhouse. 
  • This movie actually reminds me if The Ramones: “Hey, ho! LET’S FUCKING GO, ALREADY!”
  • Roger is Tommy’s brother. Vera is their sister. Beth, Vera’s friend, asks Roger, wearing a cop uniform while sitting in his mom’s house drinking coffee, if he’s on duty now. Yeah he just decided to blow it off, dummy. 
    Oh, here they go again.

    Oh, here they go again.

  • Who the fuck swims in a white blouse? What would be the point of bothering? Just don’t wear a top. 
  • Full frontal! The movie knows it needs to keep me awake. And mark down two more puffy nipples on the scoreboard. 
  • Rake kill! It’s actually a longer version of the garden tool I didn’t know the name of in The Initiation. 
  • Grandpa talks like if Strother Martin and Wolfman Jack had a hardcore makeout session that crossed the line of good taste.

    Ok, guys, with the horns. Enough.

    Ok, guys, with the horns. Enough already.

  • Oh my god damn god, NOTHING is happening. 
  • Tommy beats up Vera’s boyfriend because they were on second base, even though she’s like 24. 
  • We’re halfway through, and I’m starting to get the feeling that Tommy’s nightmare is the only time we’re going to see a band in this movie. Why does this keep happening to me?
  • Boy that is one scary stuffed goat. This coven is hardcore. 
  • Grandpa just said coven like Mark Borchardt says coven!!
  • More full frontal! At least this movie has that going for it, which is nice.

    We get it! Just stop now!

    We get it! Just stop now! You’re not even doing it right! You’re just telling everyone that you love them!

  • She has a good ass, then it’s made better with a pentagram brand. 
  • Roger and Vera about to make it in the cemetery:
    “I think you’re in GRAVE trouble. Ever make it in a grave?”
    “I’ve never considered myself dead meat.”
    “Dead or alive they all RISE to my command!”
    Oh by the way these two just met. 
  • Here’s another band at a Halloween dance, but they’re playing blues muzak. 
  • Ok, random comedy routine. Exactly like Blackenstein! Except the one in Blackenstein is funny, and this guy is as funny as Sophie’s Choice. He really puts the hack in Hack-O-Lantern.
  • Ok, now the dance band is playing, and they’re on par with the band in Shock ‘Em Dead, without the good demon guitarist. 
  • Now Grandpa wants Tommy to kill Beth. Just do it, who cares.
  • Well, he pusses out. What a disappointment. Way to ruin your demontaunt ball, Tommy. 
  • This coven is very upset at Tommy now, but what exactly have they achieved to make their lifestyle appealing?
  • There are like 12 minutes left, and we’re not really building to anything. 
  • Is this guy from the coven in the demon mask supposed to be an actual demon??
  • The demon is Grandpa in a mask. Was that supposed to be some big reveal twist?
    Here, hopefully this helps.

    Here, hopefully this helps.

  • Oh there are a couple of these demon masks. Why? What the fuck ever. 
  • So Grandpa transfers Satan’s power to Roger and he shoots Tommy after Tommy saved them from Grandpa. LET THIS END. 
  • Five-minute stumbling through the darkened forest sequence. Fantastic. 
  • Oh, it was the mother, not Tommy. Who gives hack-o-fuck. 
  • Now Roger his head covenmaster. Good career move. 
  • Tommy was played by Gregory Scott “Cummins.” Wait… he’s Mac’s dad from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia!! I couldn’t tell because the quality of the video I watched was so poor I couldn’t distinguish facial features.


Scare Volume: Maybe if your grandfather made you drink blood when you were a kid.

Gore Volume: The most blood is when kid Tommy cuts his finger, other than that, it’s hard to remember, even though as of this writing I just watched this movie 19 hours ago.

Nudity Volume: Two full frontals, one partial, three halves, 17 quarters. 

Best Scene: None, really, but any time Grandpa talks is pretty funny.

Worst Scene: Any other time. 

How ’bout the Tunes: Eh, what little there is is fine, I guess:

Band Rating: Tommy’s nightmare band is decent, but not nearly as good as the Riverbottom Nightmare Band. They’re played by real-life band D.C. Lacroix. They had a couple of outside hits, they’re currently residing in the “Where are they now?” file. The band at the Halloween dance makes Stryper look like Slayer.


Overall: Shit-O-Lantern.

Score: 1.5 Pentagram Brands (out of 10)

4 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest V – Day 25: Hack-O-Lantern

  1. Pingback: Schlocktoberfest V: Recap of Rock! | Hard Ticket to Home Video

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