NEW YEAR’S EVIL (1981)

By guest Schlocker Jim

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s It About: Punk goddess Blaze’s plan for a nice and wholesome New Year’s Eve party take a dramatic turn for the worse when a deranged (are there any other kind?) killer promises that he’ll knock someone off whenever the clock strikes 12 in every time zone. With ambition and planning like that – you have to give it up for the guy.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Roz Kelly, who was more famous as Pinky Tuscadero on “Happy Days” portrays Blaze. I don’t know when, but I promise you there will be a Malachi Crunch joke somewhere along the way.
• The opening sequence is essentially a punk rock remake of the cruising scenes in American Graffiti.
• The one convertible that is full of punk rockers right out of central casting is being driven by a douche who looks like Jann Wenner.
• Blaze’s son looks like he’s gonna be trouble.
• The killer’s face is shown right off the bat – nah, you don’t need any tension in order to have a slasher movie.
• The killer says his name is “Evil” and then attempts to terrorize Blaze, and for that matter all of L.A. with a Peter Frampton talk box to disguise his voice. Look stupid, just play “Show Me The Way” and go the fuck home OK?

• I have a feeling we’re going to hear the main theme to this movie quite a lot.
• You can always tell how bad a movie is going to be by the way they portray inmates in an asylum.
• Since when did punk bands start playing slow blues?
• I really think Derrick should lay off the pills. They’re making him weird.
• Now that I think of it, I still don’t get the hysteria of New Year’s Eve at all.
• In 1981, wasn’t it more of the boom of the new romantics than punk?
• The talk box Evil insists on using really isn’t hiding his voice that well. He should have used whatever Tommy Shaw used in “Mr. Roboto.”
• Not only is Derrick exceedingly creepy and a balls-out wackaloon – he looks like he easily could have been the 3rd member of Wham had they wanted to be a power trio.
• So help me, if Derrick starts whacking off to his Mom, I will stop this review right now and turn the car around.

• It’s hilarious to see disco still trying to hold on in the early 80’s. There were 6 fucking people under that disco ball at best.
• In 1981, mentioning that you knew Erik Estrada was a sure fire way to get laid. I wonder what it would do for you nowadays.
• It seems Lisa here suffers from nervous diarrhea. I’ve never had the calm kind either.
• Hey! That was a blatant rip-off of the ki-ki-ki-ma-ma-ma Friday the 13th motif!
• When the lieutenant took to the stage to address the crowd of rock fans, it was almost exactly played out like this classic scene from “Quincy”. It starts at the 2:06 mark:

• Blaze was a very attractive lady, but her concert hosting skills leave a lot to be desired.
• I don’t think Blaze needed to put her do not disturb hanger on her door since she had a cop standing guard.
• 63 and ½ minutes in and the killer FINALLY puts on a mask.
• So, it turns out Evil is Blaze’s husband. OK. I’m relatively sure his actions will be explained post haste, yes?
• Here we go again with the “Ladies are dirty, immoral, manipulative, deceitful, and very selfish” routine. Christ on toast – you can’t have a horror movie without them you stupid fuck-toilet. Now lighten up for pete’s sakes.
• Evil plans on killing Blaze by tying her to the bottom of the elevator and then I guess giving her a Malachi Crunch! Told ya I’d mention it.
• Yvonne, the girl who got killed in the beginning – well her head shows up in the elevator shaft. Good to get closure.
• Before taking a well-deserved suicide header off of the roof, Evil quotes Hamlet act 3, scene 1. There were layers to that man we just never got to appreciate.
• Creepy son clutching dead killer dad’s mask. Awww shit.
• See? Creepy son then dons the mask, kills an EMT, and drives his mother to the hospital with an evil leer for the ending.

Scare Volume: Quite ho-hum. The Drive-in Evil hides from the bikers in was showing Blood Feast so I bet that was scary for the crowd there.  The only scene that had any mild tension to it was Lisa’s murder set piece where Evil slowly lures her to a dumpster with a trail of clothing from her already dead friend.

Gore Volume: Hardly any. Some stabbings sure, but very mild bloodshed and puncture wound effects makeup.

Nudity Volume: Teri Copley almost gives us a very impressive rack shot.

Best Kill: Even though you don’t see it, the demise of Lisa in the dumpster. Probably Evil’s most thought out and spontaneous kill – if those two conflicting descriptions can ever go together.

Best Scene: This is a tough one. I think I’ll go with Evil’s completely annoyed and aggravated face while he has to listen to the incessant yammering of one of his victims.

Worst Scene: Any involving the thankfully underused Derrick. Remember last year when I reviewed The Weekend Murders and I talked about how much I hated the son Georgie in that? Seriously, I’m asking if you remember it.

Best Lyric: “There’s enough evil floating around here to fill…Death Valley.” No, there really isn’t. If the guy had said that while watching Evil plummet to the ground it would have been genius.

How ’bout the Tunes: As I’ve said, the main song gets re-hashed quite a bit but it’s not a bad tune.

Band Rating: I’d pick Made In Japan over Shadow as far as the 2 bands that are relatively highlighted throughout the picture go. Smell the Glove!

Overall: This one definitely falls into the category of, “I remember enjoying it more back in the day.” It’s a very slow-paced and boring movie, and it definitely signaled the coming end of the slasher boom. Let’s face it; even if the film took place in Times Square I doubt it would have helped much.

Score: 3 Talk Boxes and Copies of Frampton Comes Alive (out of 10)