Schlocktoberfest III – Day 2: Blackenstein

SchlocktoberfestIII

Blackenstein (1973)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

BlackensteinWhat’s It About: Eddie, who is a man of color, loses all of his limbs in ‘Nam, but his girlfriend, Winifred, enlists the help of a Dr. Stein to regenerate his missing limbs. But lab assistant Malcomb is infatuated with Winifred, so he sabotages the procedure and turns Eddie into a moaning freak!

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

  • Two minutes in and already it’s better than Frankenstein because it’s in COLOR.
  • Blackenstein: The Black Frankenstein, like that needed to be explained.
  • Starring John Fart.
  • So like Frankenstein, is Blackenstein the name of the scientist, not the monster?
  • Oh his name his Dr. Stein. If his full name is Black N. Stein, MD, I’m going to piss myself.
  • So the gist is, Dr. Winifred Walker’s boyfriend, Eddie, stepped on a land mine in Vietnam and blew his limbs off, so Dr. Stein is gonna fix him up into Blackenstein.
  • Dr. Stein seems like he’s going to doze off at any time.
  • Eddie is laying in a hospital bed, because that’s all he can do, with the biggest asshole orderly ever, who refuses to even get him a drink of water even though he’s a war vet and doesn’t have limbs. Then the orderly goes on a tirade about Vietnam.
  • So Eddie is brought to Dr. Stein’s house and while on a gurney Eddie clearly has two feet under the sheet. They couldn’t at least have shot that in a way that doesn’t show the lower half of his body?
  • Dr. Stein has another patient named Eleanor who is in her 90s but looks no more than 60 because Dr. Stein is giving her “injections” of his “DNA formula.”
  • There’s another patient, Bruno, who is getting new legs and RNA injections, which has inexplicably given one of his legs tiger stripes.
  • After knowing Winifred for a few days, Malcomb declares his undying love for her. He’s more desperate to get laid than Pee Wee Morris.
  • So Malcomb pours some random liquids together, which sabotages Eddie’s limb resurrection. Ain’t that a bitch.
  • Malcomb’s the f’n man.
  • Malcomb’s DNA shenanigans apparently made Eddie’s head grow so he looks like Cameron Diaz.
  • Oh, and hairy hands, like Cameron Diaz.
Scene from Charlie's Angels

Scene from Charlie’s Angels

  • So halfway through and Eddie still hasn’t fully turned into Blackenstein.
  • Next thing you know, Eddie is fully clothed in traditional Frankenstein garb. No idea where he got it from. Then he walks around and moans for what seems like 20 god damn minutes.
  • Blackenstein slowly walks undetected all the way back to the veterans hospital just to kill that orderly who was a dick to him earlier.
  • Blackenstein kills a dog then some random people at their house. I seriously have no idea who they are. Blackenstein rips out the wife’s guts.
  • Malcomb is more than just a lab assistant and hopeless romantic, he also serves breakfast.
  • The public domain gothic music NEVER STOPS. Literally.
  • So Blackenstein comes all the way back to the lab, again completely undetected, and gets back in his bed?
  • Where are you going, Blackenstein?
"Unnngh." ("I don't know")

“Unnngh.” (“I don’t know”)

  • You can’t even see Blackenstein’s full makeup because he’s always in the dark. Probably for the best.
  • “You have beautiful hair.” “Yeah, I know I do.”
  • Blackenstein only attacks white people I guess?
  • We literally take a 5-minute joke break. What IS this movie?
  • This nightclub scene seems like its from a different movie altogether.
  • In the alley behind the nightclub Blackenstein rips a topless girl’s guts out.
  • Malcomb tries to rape Winifred but Blackenstein comes and chokes him out.
  • Blackenstein is impervious to bullets.
  • So Blackenstein kills Dr. Stein but spares Winifred. Then the climax is this completely random chick running from Blackenstein.
  • Then two dobermans kill him.

Is It Actually Scary: Only if you’re afraid of the dark, because this movie is as dark as the deepest black, which isn’t intentionally clever or anything it just means they shot it on really shitty film.

How Much Gore: When Blackenstein kills, there’s a weirdly high amount of gore. Particularly the ending, when two regular-sized dogs completely rip apart this previously unstoppable behemoth.

Best Scene: Whenever Malcomb smiles.

Malcomb should've had his own prequel called "Heartmelter."

Malcomb should’ve had his own prequel called “Heartmelter.”

Worst Scene: The entire running time is lousy, but every time Blackenstein lumbers to a destination is like slowly pulling a 9-inch splinter out from under your pinky toenail.

Any Nudity: Brief Bit of nip and tush via a see-thru nightie. Some back alley booby. Bare tiger leg.

Overall: Just a complete chore to sit through. This movie seems to have been made in three days after someone noticed that Blacula made more than $30 at the box office. It’s boring, confusing and no fun at all. Well, the comedy club scene is kind of funny, but it serves absolutely no purpose. Everything that happens in this movie happens for no reason. And I think I’m even more disappointed in it as a Blaxploitation (The Black Exploitation) fan than a horror fan.

Score: 1 Black Frankenstein (out of 10)

10 thoughts on “Schlocktoberfest III – Day 2: Blackenstein

  1. This is definitely the funniest thing on the whole wide internet today. And bare tiger legs? Ooo la la!
    I guess it goes to show that the best revenge isn’t living well. It’s turning your rivals into demented slow moving monster men.

    Like

  2. Blackenstein is just an awful movie, but it does have a great song in it by a female singer. I think it is called “I Can’t Find No One To Love Me.” This is appropriate because the movie can’t find anyone to love it either. 😦 I was amused by the guy with the striped leg as well.

    Like

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