HEAVY METAL MASSACRE (1989)
I don’t think this film had a release much less a trailer. Here’s the whole flick (but PLEASE don’t watch it):
What’s It About: I will pay you cash money to not review this thing.
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- “Warning! Not suitable for children. Certain scenes may be disturbing to some members of the public.” Show me what you got Heavy Metal Massacre.
- Oh shit! Make it stop! Make it stop! Turn it off!!! I’m getting Things flashbacks.
- This looks videotaped using only the cheapest state of the art equipment that 1989 could provide.
- 5 minutes in and all we have is a slow pan of a room with some mediocre video effects like strobe lighting and multi-picture patterns. Lame metal music is of course the soundtrack. It’s not awful but the bar is really low right now.
- I have a very bad feeling about this. The writer and director is also the star. And since this isn’t Orson Welles, Woody Allen or Mel Brooks, I don’t think this is going to work.
- So Bobbi Young (the writer/director/star) is just leaning against a brick wall and looking at the camera trying not to look like he’s cruising.
- I’ve poked fun at Troma films but they at least can afford boom mics and lights.
- Production funded by Aqua-Net.
- Some sort of anti-drug message scene. Not sure of this is pertinent to the plot or not. Time will tell.
- Always comforting to see a cop take over 20 seconds to handcuff someone.
- Another slow pan in a room. More amateur video effects. More wretched metal cheese music. More awkward stares from Bobbi Young. I don’t know if I’ll make it past the half-hour mark. I’m actually more concerned for my sanity if I do make past a half hour.
- Bobbi has a hooker over his place. He wants to hand cuff her.
Bobbi: I want to hand cuff you.
Hooker: uh-nah I don’t do bondage.
Bobbi: Name your price.
Hooker: I don’t normally do this. It’ll cost you triple.
Bobbi takes out a wad of cash and promptly gives it to the hooker.
- He ties her up and handcuffs her. Gently strokes her thigh a few times and then whacks her a couple of times with a sledgehammer. Kinky.
- Is the camera lens filter covered in piss? Why is it bright yellow?!
- So many pointless lingering empty shots in this shit.
- I literally don’t know what’s going on and it’s already been 25 minutes. Bobbi killed a hooker and bought some drugs. Two cops are on a case of murdered girls and arrest some pimp. One girl stopped her friend from snorting coke. That’s literally everything.
- What is the point of this visual effect? It’s like reflective columns and kaleidoscope. Why? Why? WHY?!
- The production value is akin to a cable access movie of the week.
- These visual effects are just giving me a headache now. This movie is now causing me actual physical pain.
- I wonder if the makers of this movie have actually ever seen a real movie before.
- The retching sound effects of the girl finding the dead hooker were obviously overdubbed because they sounded like a man.
- Bobbi captures this new girl, chains her up like how he did the hooker but now he puts a plier in her mouth and a quick cut later her mouth is bloody and she’s gagging on blood but I’d be damned if I know what he actually did. Took a tooth? Tongue? Tonsil? It was totally unclear.
- After every scene is a song length montage where literally nothing happens to advance a plot of any sort. Just lame visual effects set to lame metal music. This is unbelievable.
- Now Bobbi is killing some muscle head who insulted him earlier when he picked up the girl from the club with a chainsaw.
- And another song but this time we witness light automobile traffic.
- If it wasn’t for the music, this would actually be worse than Things. But just by a scrotum hair width.
- Here’s the two girls from the cocaine scene from earlier and I still have zero idea who they are or how they fit in to this narrative.
- Is this supposed to be a forensics lab? It’s just a desk and a microscope.
- “I don’t believe this doc.”
“Yeah. It’s one of the worst cases of brutality I’ve ever seen.”
Have you ever seen this movie doc?
- Now there’s a montage of Bobbi getting dressed. There’s more run time with nothing happening than there is about the story. This movie could be just 20 minutes long. And should be.
- With a name like Heavy Metal Massacre you’d think it would be more involving a Metal band and not so much just the overall soundtrack. Plus they are totally misusing the word massacre and its definition since he’s killing people one by one.
- I understand Bobbi having skulls, skeletons and wide array of metalesque artwork but why a small statue of Venus De Milo?
- Sure metal head I just met at a club offering me coke that I can only snort at his house, I’ll let you blindfold me and let you lead me far into your basement dwelling.
- I’d laugh my ass off if right in the middle of Bobbi trying to kill this girl the cops out of nowhere, burst in to save her.
- Nope she took a sledgehammer to the noggin.
- The screen just had a blood drip transition to the next scene! Hahahahaha.
- 20 minutes left. Just. 20. Minutes. More.
- 18 minutes left. Just. 18. Minutes. More.
- Oh they do have boom mics. I see one right there.
- So Bobbi bought some drugs earlier from his usual dealer and for no other reason than to advance what paltry plot this movie pinched off its ugly rear end, gives the dealer the necklace that the one girl gave to the other girl who was killed. The same dealer came by the girls’ apartment to sell his wares (because thats what drug dealers do; go door-to-door) and the girl noticed the necklace. Dum-dum-dumb.
- She called the detectives and he asks her to stall the dealer. She brilliantly comes on to the drug dealer and he’s totally buying it.
- 13 minutes left. Just. 13. Minutes. More.
- I think this movie is some sort of punishment for me for something I did—which I don’t know what it is but I will do whatever it takes to redeem myself to make this movie stop.
- I take it back, Things is actually better. I can’t believe that I just wrote that.
- Fun Fact: Heavy Metal Massacre was personally chosen by Dick Cheney to be used for torture but even he deemed it too inhumane and went with waterboarding instead.
- Her brilliant plan of stalling the dealer didn’t work since she wouldn’t put out. But the cops chase the dealer and in the ensuing chase the dealer gets killed when he runs into a car. I say runs into it because that’s how it was edited. Come on, do you think this movie can afford stunt men? It can’t even afford an editor.
- So the cops are satisfied with zero evidence that the dealer was the killer.
- The movie ends with the other girl getting picked up by Bobbi. HE’S STILL ON THE LOOSE! THAT MEANS THERE COULD POTENTIALLY BE A HEAVY METAL MASSACRE 2!!
- The actor playing the dealer is credited as “Pre-Teen” Steve Murphy. Is that because of his choice in girls?
- Well anyway it’s over. I wasted my time and talent on watching this. If I had picked up a heroin habit that would’ve been a more worthwhile life choice than watching this.
Scare Level: This is a filthy and vulgarly amateur and talentless attempt to make a horror movie. It is not scary or gory or showing any signs of cleverness or professionalism. So my review from here on out will be just as lazy and effortless as the movie. I’m not even going to go through the trouble of making screen caps. Besides, you’ll never watch it nor should you.
Gore Level: …
Nudity Level: …
Best Scene: …
Worst Scene: …
How ’bout the Tunes: …
Band Rating: …
Overall: Don’t watch Heavy Metal Massacre. Seriously just don’t.
Score: -10 I Can’t Believe This Is Worse Than Things (out of 10)
You have just experienced Heavy Metal Massacre.
Hahaha! We often joke that some of these shitty movies look like they were shot on a VHS camcorder but it’s literally true in this case. You win the award for bravest reviewer this year.
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Dumbest reviewer, more like it.
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Wow. This sounds…. Bad. Are there no good heavy metal horrors?! I find this very disappointing. 😦
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