Schlocktoberfest XI – Day 2: The Final Terror

SchlocktoberfestXI

The Final Terror (1983)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: A group of rangers and campers must defend themselves from some forest-dwelling killer. No, not Jason.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

There’s a disclaimer on the Blu-Ray that warns us that all original film elements (the negative, etc.) are all lost. Scream Factory apparently went though 6 film prints and cobbled together all the best elements to make this blu-ray and I’m sure it was worth every damn second of the countless man-hours it took to get it to all 46 people who bought it.
That’s one gnarly looking deer. Looks like it’s diseased to hell.
Motorcyclist enters frame. Motorcyclist (upon realizing what film he’s in) immediately loses control and crashes in the middle of the woods.
Triumph? More like utter failure.
That gash on the guy’s leg looked extremely minor. Rub some dirt on it and get moving you pussy.

‘Tis but a scratch!

The forest killer just killed a girl using a booby-trap with tin can lids. Maybe MacGyver is the killer!
Actually would a few tin can lids, even sharpened to a razor edge, attached to two thin branches really have the force to kill someone?
Joey Pants! And Perfect Tommy! And Adrian Zmed and Nedermyer! Wow what a cast!
Funny though in a cast of relatively B-grade actors, the top billing was a guy name John Friedrich, who only has 18 credits to his name on imdb and hasn’t acted since this movie.
Joey Pants is creepy in this flick. Well, more so than usual anyway.
Nedermyer tells one of his park rangers that he should wear underwear while they were eating breakfast. Not sure how he knows he wasn’t wearing underwear.
So in this film Nedermyer is bossing Joey Pants around. I like this film already. Hopefully he’ll start spitting in his face yelling at him about pledge pins on his park ranger uniform.

And for God’s sake will you tuck in those pajamas!

Was there a good reason to make Joey Pants speak in a southern drawl? It’s ridiculous.
And now Daryl Hannah and Rachel Ward. How is this movie basically unknown? It’s either complete shit and disavowed or it was rotting away in a production basement for 30 years and was just unearthed. Seeing is now Scream Factory had to Frankenstein prints from film collectors to make this decent transfer for a BD release the latter checks out.
Why do I feel like Bill Paxton should be in this?
I’m very confused as to what the premise is for this flick. Nedermyer is the leader of a group of park rangers but now they’re picking up a group of ladies and driving into the middle of the woods but I’m not sure why. They mentioned that there was 2 missing people (the couple from the beginning) but that’s not Nedermeyer’s group’s intent going into the woods. I mean I could/should be paying more attention I suppose but I can only do so much at once here.
Why are grown men and women singing “Three Blind Mice?”
Joey Pants plays this asshole named Eggar who is hated by everyone in this group in the woods.
Wait, Eggar is his first name?! Ooof.
Not sure why Eggar is being all suspicious regarding a couple of large cans of peaches. He’s hiding them like they are contraband.
Oh, they are clearing out the river that was dammed up by fallen branches and debris. Now this makes more sense.

Not Bill Paxton. Either of them.

Eggar is giving off some “sequel like a pig”-like vibes right now. Except he’s repeating “Can you hear me now” and all I’m thinking is those annoying Verizon commercials from a few years back.
Oh good a campfire spooky story. I bet this has something to do with the plot or the killer somehow. Just a hunch.
Eggar is very upset at that spooky story. I’m sure that this has something to do with the plot or the killer somehow. Just a hunch.
This flick isn’t that long (an hour and 23) yet it still wants to cram in a sub-plot about 2 of the rangers searching for pot growing in the woods and negotiating with Adrian Zmed about how much his cut will be if they included him.
This transfer is wonky. Some scenes have this red tint that pulses every few seconds on and off. Kinda enhances the spookiness of it.
Why exactly did they camp overnight? Was there bus ride into the deep woods that far that they couldn’t go back to base and come back if they had more work to do?
Are we supposed to be laughing at the group yelling “Marco!” into the woods? He’s missing but I can’t help yelling back at the screen “Polo!”
These rangers could be the worst group of rangers ever. They are mostly a bunch of degenerates.
They also hate Eggar so much that they didn’t even notice he was missing too.
Nedermyer is so distraught at the missing Marco he had to take a skinny-dip break while looking for him.
Nedermyer gets a sex scene and then is sliced up mid-coitus while still on top of his girlfriend. How did I know he would be the first to be killed?
First of all, seeing Mark Metcalf in a sex scene is disturbing enough but watching him getting hacked to death while doing the deed is even more so. Trust me.

We’re NOT gonna take it.

However, his girlfriend is not harmed. Weird. Maybe the killer was jealous and wants her for himself?
It’s the very same large can of peaches! I knew it!
So they suspect the shack they find with stolen stuff and hallucinating mushrooms and ladies garments is owned by Eggar. I’m sure it’s a set-up for a red herring but let’s see if this movie can surprise me still.
Why is there 2 British chicks here with the group? I just realized that both Rachel Ward and Akosua Busia have British accents. How did they end up with them? This movie is giving us no backstory whatsoever! *Akosua Busia is Ghanian. **A Ghanian princess to be exact!
I also just realized that Daryl Hannah’s name is Windy. Not Wendy. Like that song from the 60s. “Everyone knows it’s Windy!” Seriously why Windy? Is anyone really named Windy? I mean, the etymology of the name Wendy is even odd, as it was basically invented by J.M. Barrie for Peter Pan. But Windy is even odder. Still better than a girl named Daryl though.
Why are they happy that Marco’s back. I’m sure they’re relieved he’s alive and well but he did make them searching all day for no good reason. He’s kind of a dick.
I have to say, this is not a bad movie at all. I’ve seen a lot worse. A lot worse.
Is there really a random outhouse in the middle of these woods? Can’t people, I don’t know, piss and shit in the woods?! Isn’t that the point of camping?
The rest of the group seeing that the situation is grave and out of their league decide to leave and get help. A lesser horror movie would have the remaining people do something stupid like have one person leave to go get help. This movie is more Deliverance and less Friday the 13th.
One of the girls is wearing a poncho that looks like it was made with raw materials like the kind Rambo wore in First Blood. Why?
I love that the group is surrounding the cabin and goading Eggar out to face them. I mean at least they have somewhat of a plan of action right?
Why is only Nathaniel going in the house? That’s not very smart. But in bucking the trend of having the lone African-American guy die early, he’s fine and nothing happens except they find a severed hand in a jar.
Nedermyer’s girlfriend is being kept alive but is a hostage of the killer. Still not sure why.
So the group leave the cabin and take back a stolen ranger raft. They also somehow got 6 oars to go along with it. How convenient!

Boring…Boring…Boring on the river…

The killer is a master of camouflage! I knew he was covered in moss, twigs and other forest debris but every other time we saw him was at night and it really didn’t matter. Here, he is laying on some rock by the edge of the river and totally surprises us when he moves. Kinda neat for a killer actually. Jason could learn a thing or two from this guy.
So, the killer not only outpaced the group from the cabin, even though they were on a river but he also was carrying the dead body of Melanie, Nedermyer’s girlfriend, as well? Sure. Why not.
Why are they burying Melanie’s body? It’s a crime scene and should be handled by proper authorities right? It’s not a pet Labrador. Doesn’t she have family that would want a proper burial?
Did not one ranger have a walkie-talkie or something to get help? I mean, it’s their forest that they are rangers for. It had an outhouse for crying out loud, are you telling me there isn’t some sort of alert station or emergency box with flares or something?
They see the bus they came into the woods in and decide it’s a trap. But then decide to not approach it until nightfall. Wouldn’t that make it a worse situation with lack of visibility?
Yeah. That’s a good idea. Light up a joint while you’re still stranded in the forest with a madman running around. Gotta stay sharp!
So now we see Eggar crying by himself saying “I told them not to come.” Hey asshole, if you knew there was a maniac in this particular forest why didn’t you say so? Just telling people not to come with no detailed reason when they already hate you is not going to cut it.
The madman attacked them in the bus and failed in killing anyone. So far the killer only killed 2 people out of 9 (add 2 more for the unrelated couple from the beginning). Strange ratio so far for a slasher flick. At this rate, they will die from over-exposure faster than the killer.
I love how they are still in the mindset that the killer is still Eggar. They never think that there could be another lunatic out in the woods.
Daryl Hannah gets sliced in the throat but it’s not lethal enough and the group manages to help her back up without her dying. What kind of slasher movie am I watching?! This killer is terrible at his job.
Like I am shocked, SHOCKED, Adrian Zmed has survived this fucking long.
Why is the movie dragging now? There’s like 15 minutes left and now it’s starting to get slow? What gives? Now’s not the time to show their slow walking in the woods scene.
Now Zorich is high on shrooms and proclaiming how he’s going to kill Eggar and how he respects him because like the Viet-Cong they both know the forest and patience. I think I love this flick.

Still not Bill Paxton

Really didn’t take Zorich long to go batshit crazy for vengeance did it?
Zorich has a raging boner for blood lust and the rest of the group are just humoring him. Classic.
Now the group is setting up booby traps and camouflaging themselves. This is just like First Blood. *Fun fact: this movie was actually completed in 1981 but shelved until 1983. First Blood was released in 1982. However, First Blood the novel was published in 1972.
Wait a gosh-darn minute! Now Lewis Smith is climbing a huge tree with spiked boots and harnesses specially designed for tree-climbing. That had that all this time? If they have that what else are they carrying with them? Seems like they are underutilizing their equipment as park rangers.
We have less than 10 minutes left and still have 6 survivors. Is there going to be huge massacre or will the survivors prevail? I like how this is a question I’m pondering at the finale of this horror movie during a Schlocktoberfest. Beats me wondering if something is worse than Heavy Metal Massacre for once.
Hahahaha. Adrian Zmed was the bait to goad out Eggar. That’s the most worthwhile thing Zmed has done in any movie.
Ironically, Zorich who wanted nothing but to kill Eggar since, well, the beginning, of the flick is just watching while the rest of the group beat and kick and pummel Eggar with rocks and large branches.
While watching the pandemonium, Zorich gets attacked by the madman and is killed. So I was half right about the red herring. Nicely done movie.
The madman is actually an old woman and it’s Eggar’s mom. JUST LIKE the spooky story Lewis Smith told around the campfire!
So if Eggar knew his mom was out in the woods killing people, was there like no way he could tell her to not kill people? And since he works as a park ranger at the very park she lives in, couldn’t he, I don’t know, take better care of her than steal large cans of peaches for her to eat? Does he live with her or does he live in an apartment like a normal person? She must be disappointed in her only son because he lives among the civilized folk.
No seriously, why does he allow his mother to live in the woods eating dead animals and killing people if he has a normal job in normal society?! This is bugging me so much!
GREAT DEATH SCENE!!! The group’s booby trap was a huge swinging tree trunk with sharp sticks that got the killer mom as she was running down the hill. It was filmed really nicely too. Had cameras on the apparatus as it swung and hit the killer. Kudos.

However, I find it hard to believe that these tired park rangers were able to pull such a huge tree branch (really it’s a trunk!) up that high in the tree. There’s zero way I can believe they could do that.
So yeah, only 3 deaths to the good guys. Very conservative especially when the ladies weren’t professional campers or forest rangers like the fellas.
Why exactly is this called The Final Terror? When was the first terror?
No seriously, what does this title actually mean? And for whom does the Final Terror in reference for? The group in the movie or we the audience? If it was for the ranger group, then really, what was the first terror for them? And if the old lady’s “killing spree” is now “final,” what’s to say their recent traumatic experience won’t manifest in more further terror down the line in their lives? No way there’s no therapy for them after what they just went through. There’s always some terror at any stage in life so it’s quite bold to suggest this is their final terror. Maybe it could be their final terror in the woods. I can see that. Perhaps the title implies that it’s Eggar’s mom’s final terror? Still kinda dumb. Look, the title is great out of context. Like Buford T. Justice would say, it’s “an attention-getter” and sounds ominous enough to get folks in the theatre seats but in context of the flick it’s a bit misguided.

Was it Entertaining:

Final Thoughts: For a forgotten 80s slasher flick with a well-known cast it’s surprising that it wasn’t all that terrible. Kinda worth your time to check it out. Despite the lack of gore and nudity, this was a decent flick and had some decent moments. Sure it could’ve been better but for a Schlocktoberfest feature this is one of the much better ones and I wouldn’t mind watching it again.

Score: 7 Gigantic Cans of Peaches (out of 10)