Funnyman (1994)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: I don’t know. Seriously I really don’t have a fucking clue.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Always a good sign when your horror movie starts with a bible quote.
• That bartender was twirling that vodka bottle like Tom Cruise in Cocktail with no one around him that he could impress.
• Are these fellas playing poker in a boiler room? With a hired bartender and a portable bar?
• Christopher Lee will give this movie its much needed gravitas.
• I’d bet my balls that he’ll only be in this movie for 5 minutes.
• Lee wagers his ancestral English estate in this poker game. With only a pair of 7s.
• Not surprisingly the fella who won had a straight flush but only with a Jokers wild. FORESHADOWING!!!

• A Gizmo doll is hanging from this truck’s grill! This movie isn’t worth it to lick Gremlin gonads.
• Is this chick dressed exactly like Velma from Scooby-Doo on purpose?
• This guy driving the truck stops at what could only be described as a hitch-hiking depot where about 5 people are standing and waiting. He chooses a black female that tells him she’s going to “hell and back, mon!” In a horrible Jamaican accent (*I looked this actress up and she’s not Jamaican) and he tells her he can take her as far as London and to hurry up before the other people waiting come over and want a ride too. Can’t he just refuse anyone a ride? Does this make sense to anyone else?
• But now it’s too late and he has to take them all! Is this commo
• One of the hitchhikers is reading a porno magazine out in the open. No judgment.
• The Jamaican lady is reading Tarot cards. In a moving vehicle.
• The guy who won Christopher Lee’s estate arrives with his family and waltzes right in with his wife and daughter still in the car. So suffice to say, this guy, Max Taylor, is a douchebag.
• Of course The Fool tarot card is shown. What took so long movie?!
• If I were to play a drinking game and took a shot whenever a jester, joker, or playing card motif is shown I’d be dead of alcohol poisoning before this scene ends.
• It just dawned on me that the douchebag’s son is wearing a motorcycle helmet for no apparent reason. Maybe he grows up and starts Daft Punk.
• I need an English to English dictionary with this kid.
• There’s a random spinning wheel in this game room and it’s 4 spaces with 2 wins and 2 loses. That’s it.
• This truck driver is moving the steering wheel back and forth so much and quickly, it’s downright comical.
• The wife is concerned that this mansion with all its creepy joker motifs is frightening the little boy. I’d agree with her but she also calls him just a baby when he’s clearly 5-ish years old.
• So I know Max won this mansion but the wife says that she loves their home in LA and Paris. How rich is this guy? And are they in this mansion now as a vacation or just checking it out for a weekend?
• Now we see something breaking through the floor in one of the rooms. I’m assuming it’s the titular Funnyman but he just shows up like that? No magical words, no spilled blood, no puzzle solved, no conjuring or sins committed. Just wakes up from people in the house and has to break through the house’s floorboards. Okie Dokie. They could’ve at least had the little boy play a jack-in-the-box or something. Turn over an evil playing card? Shit, even Pinhead and Cenobites needed the puzzle box to appear. (*Apparently on a second viewing of this scene, I noticed that when they spun that wheel and landed on “lose,” real quick you see the Funnyman’s eyes in close-up [it’s a blink and a you miss it, especially when watching it for the first time not knowing who the Funnyman is—plus Max’s face was close-up right before that!] and it’s not until 4 minutes later that The Funnyman breaks through the floor!)

• The parents are snorting cocaine now. Sure, why not.
• Once the Funnyman confronts the little boy we cut back to the Jamaican lady who senses his arrival back on Earth and says in the deepest growl: “Funny Mon.”
• Now the parents are snogging after their booger-sugar and the little boy asks them through the door if they “are having sexual intercourse.” Not sure if that’s stupid or brilliant. Can you imagine if we Americans had made sex so perfunctory that when our young kids witness it they treat it as if we’re going to the bathroom or raking the leaves. On the one hand I guess it makes it less awkward but boy does it ruin the amorous mood. Leave it to the Brits to make something so dirty so boring.
• OK. So I’m confused as to why it was the Funnyman imitating the little boy in asking whether the parents are fucking. When they ask (what they assume is their son) what he’s up to, the Funnyman says that he’s off playing with the Funnyman. And then we see the Funnyman carrying the unconscious boy down the hall. Is the Funnyman respecting their lovemaking session and leaving them be. If they were having tea would he have harmed them then?
• Jesus H. Christ. How many movies made in Britain have to have a dumb Judy and Punch puppet routine?! I feel like every year I watch a British horror schlock with Punch and Judy.
• Cocaine and now a marijuana joint? I’m thinking these parents have a some responsibility issues.
• The wife walks into a room that’s all covered in white sheets—walls and floors. Statues and mannequins also mostly covered in the same sheets. A voice like an intercom speaks and says “Welcome to the love gallery” and there we see signs on some of the statues that say: Big Tits, Knoby, Mona and Monk House? I’m a bit rusty with my dirty euphemisms it seems.
• Let’s see how this high as a kite woman reacts to such a room.
• I just realized that these people have been in this mansion for some time now and looked in only a few of the rooms. Who enters a new house (that they now own) and just checks out 1/4 of it, settles in to do drugs and make out and leave their children alone to roam around it. Not to mention that Max, who I assume now is a music producer, is sitting in a room and listening to new musical groups demos on headphones and snorting more coke.
• The wife is either too high or too dumb to realize that the Funnyman is also in the love gallery looking around like it’s an actual gallery. Can I just quit this movie now?
• The Funnyman scares off the wife by just standing there politely and waving to her as she slowly backs off. He then breaks the 4th wall and says (in a very thick British accent) that he fucked two Swedish gals last week. At least I think that’s what he said.

• The wife tries to get her husband but the next room she goes in is, you guessed it, the Love Gallery. This of course happens about 5–6 times until the Funnyman grabs her and kisses her. Meanwhile Max is flipping through a pack of cards and all the cards are JOKERS!! Oh MY GAAAWWWWD!!!!!
• The Funnyman finally corners the wife and tells her that “there is some good news. I brought you this.” And from behind his back he shows her a rather large club. He then clubs her on the head about a dozen times and then says “Now that is the way to do it.” I’m sorry but is this film going to ever make sense, or be clever in any way shape to form? What did all that mean?! 
• And why wasn’t he actually FUNNY? I get that he’s a jester/joker and being weirdly and macabrely funny is going to his schtick, like Freddy Krueger and his quips and puns, but Funnyman, so far, is not even remotely funny. “Here. I brought you this.” And it’s a club like something Capt. Caveman would wield? Not flowers or a box of chocolate that then transforms into a weapon. Just the club. So fucking lame.
• There’s been a few times earlier and now again, that we see the face of Christopher Lee obscured behind playing cards. Not sure why. Not sure where. Not sure why I haven’t aborted this film by now.
• The older teenage daugther is playing the Nintendo Gameboy Super Mario Brothers. This is 1994 mind you.
• And again, the daughter is too distracted by her game and headphones that she doesn’t see Funnyman dancing behind her.
• He then pulls off her headphones. She, without turning around, says “What?!” Then Funnyman takes jumper cables and touches her ears with them and she gets electrocuted to the point of being totally engulfed in flames. Then. He points to his eye and says “Look at the concern.” and look at me being even mildly entertained.
• And what were the jumper cables hooked up to? So fucking random.
• Back in the other room Max is in some kind of hellish wind storm of some sort. Again, it’s unclear what’s happening.

• The truck finally arrives at the mansion. Not sure why it’s here. I thought this driver was going to London.
• Immediately the Jamaican lady yells in the house and threatens the Funnyman. This movie really didn’t give two hot shits about plots.
• Now the Jamaican lady has banshee/siren powers so bad that the other hitchhikers can’t take it and run outside. What in the holy fuck is going on?!
• Velma wear white panties in case anyone wanted to know. And did the movie imply that she farted bending down like that?
• OK so the driver is the brother of Max. Otherwise we don’t know the names off the other 4 characters. Jamaican Lady, Velma, Porno Mag Guy and Judy and Punch Guy are how I will refer to them going forward.
• Only in an English movie can the phrase “Fag, Love?” be OK.
• Max’s brother says that Jamaican Lady is “a couple cans short of a six-pack.” Oddly enough I didn’t think Brits bought beer by the six-pack. If anything I would’ve thought they would call it something different or cute like they do for lifts, lorries and chips.
• Wait. The Velma dressed chick is named Thelma instead. Ugh. Unless Max’s brother’s heavy Scottish brogue makes the V sound like TH.
• Outside Funnyman is pissing on the truck. At least I think it’s piss. It’s coming out like a firehose and his dick is totally covered in leather.

• This movie couldn’t be less entertaining.
• OK. That was kinda funny. The Puppet guy and the Porno guy are out walking and the puppet guy sees a severed head (its dark and he doesn’t know it’s a head) and asks what it is. Porno Guy says he “knows it’s 35 yarder, straight to the top corner” and kicks it like a soccer, err, football and it sails into the air. He then says proudly, “There’s not a goalkeeper alive that can save that.” And we cut to the top of the goalpost and Funnyman jumps into frame and blocks it. Fine, whatever, I need something to make this even remotely enjoyable.  
• Then the movie ruins it with over a minute of Funnyman holding the head while fanfare and crowd cheers him on for blocking it while he dances and kicks it away. Too much movie. This is like a bad SNL skit that doesn’t know when they rammed the already bad joke into the ground.
• I’m shocked Thelma hasn’t said Jinkies yet.
• Max is in some sort of other dimension it seems. He also thought he was in the presence of a huge Scarface-level mound of cocaine, tried to snort it and got sucked into a hole which turned into him being stuck out a chimney top next to another chimney where Funnyman is. Funnyman says something nonfunny and that’s the whole scene. 
• This is like Beetlejuice but as if the Maitlands never met Beetlejuice and it started with him torturing the Deetzes out of the blue. That’s exactly how this movie is playing out. 
• Sod’s Law? I don’t get it. Why is there a sign that says Sod’s Law: Population 1 in front of a village that clearly has many hits and small homes? (*I googled Sod’s Law and it’s basically the British version of Murphy’s Law)
• I’ve seen better horror halloween decorations around my neighborhood than this set’s.
• Did something happen to British humor in the late 80s? Is it because Benny Hill died?
• I zoned out so bad I forgot what the reason was for the gang to split up and what they’re looking for. Right now Velma is looking for a duck because she found a feather in the hallway. It’s a purple feather by the way.

• Velma’s death was basically her unaware of Funnyman standing behind her (again!) with a gun and when Max rolls in (yes, rolls) the room he tells her to duck, she replies “where?” (Cause, see, she was looking for a duck) and doesn’t move, Funnyman shoots her with a shotgun in the back of her head, the front of her head, her face and brains flew across the room. This movie is extraordinary stupid.
• And there’s 45 minutes left!!!!
• I guess I should mention that Jamaican Lady’s hand has some sort of air bubble pulsating inside. I only bring this up in case something about this matters later on.
• Oh right, they split up to look for Max. I have to stop watching these piece of shit movies in parts and over a few days. But why are they helping at this point? They all just met and don’t know each other. I would’ve just waited in the truck.
• Porno Mag Guy is lured into a makeshift clubhouse in the middle of the mansion’s grounds called “ClubSexy.” I think this place also got Hugh Grant in the 90s.

• Inside is a tuxedo-wearing Funnyman who convinces Porno Mag Guy to wear a 70s disco style wig. He doesn’t care for it so they try another wig. Again, no go so they try another one. Can you understand how unfunny (or unscary) this movie is? It’s an utter disaster.
• Now Funnyman is a female bartender. And the joke here is the lager is costs 73 quid. Which I’m assuming is a ridiculous amount of money for one beer. I’m an Anglophile but I still don’t understand their currency.
• Even the ominous VO from Christopher Lee is not even close to enlightening my mood. In fact now I’m feeling really really bad for Lee. He’s lucky he had Lord of the Rings to cap off his career with.
• Max’s brother is walking up a staircase where someone/something is throwing down a lot of shredded paper. I’m assuming it’s the script.
• Oh Lee is sitting behind a house of cards in some other dimension watching all this happen. Kewl.
• Puppet guy is still wandering an underground corridor and finds the body of the young boy. His shocked reaction is “Fuck my arse!”
• He then runs away and runs into a wall which then acts like a spider-web. But I’m confused as to why he ran directly into a wall.
• Now I have to watch a Judy and Punch show where they put a bomb on top of the puppeteers head. Excuse me but aren’t Punch and Judy puppet shows are all about one of them whacking the other with a stick? Why did they bother with this if all they did was put a bomb on his head?
• Porno Mag Guy is wearing a British Bulldog t-shirt. If Matlida would run over to me and devour my balls, it would still be less painful than watching this.
• Although, this movie is so lame it’s not the WWE British Bulldogs.
• I really don’t need to see this strip show with Funnyman as the chick with ridiculously giant tits with tassels. This is excruciatingly painful.

• Another thing that’s bugging me is no one is put off by Funnyman’s face and appearance. They converse with him as if he’s a normal looking fella. He looks like if an ungodly threesome between the Leprechaun, David Patrick Kelly and Angelica Huston’s Grand High Witch from The Witches produced an offspring.
• “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You and me both Porno Mag Guy.
• This movie is making me ashamed for being 22% British.
• Porno Mag Guy is dying by Funnyman poking his eye out with a woman’s stiletto shoe. That’s it. The gag was if he got the “point” and the point is the heel of the shoe. Again, my sides are killing me from all the laughter.
• In what could be somewhat a funny gag is Max’s brother, Johnny, is reading an old letter he found about someone with horrible children’s writing and misspellings asking Max if Johnny would like to join their band because they need a new guitarist. The writer is Mick Jagger. It’s really only slightly funny because of the terrible penmanship and spelling.
• Johnny of course falls for this and is rightfully upset at his brother. 
• Moments after Johnny stops screaming into the void, Max comes rolling by in a supermarket trolley (which doesn’t make much sense since Johnny’s on a staircase) and Johnny moves out of the way and Max crashes through a window and plummets to his (supposed) death. Man this movie is torturous on my sensible well-being.
• Back at Sod’s Law, Jamaican Lady confronts Funnyman who is dressed like a Mexican bandit but with the colors of Jamaica. At this point this movie is insulting me.
• Funnyman shoots his pistolas at her for 30 seconds nonstop and only hits her afro. Then she uses her new deformed hand to shoot fireworks at him. She manages to scare him off.
• Quick question: Who’s the protagonist in this dodgy, mad-as-a-box-of-frogs of a movie?
• Back to Johnny who thinks he’s in an acid flashback. Funnyman plays one of his old hippie friends. The camera lens is distorted as if it was filmed through a beer glass with piss in it.

• If I were describe this movie to you and everything that happens in it you’d think I belong in a small rubber room. Nothing makes sense and nothing is clever—It’s all just random acts.
• For another random reason Jamaican Lady plops down on a bed of hay (to grab her purse maybe) and starts convoluting in pain. Inexplicably Funnyman just grows from within her and pops out her abdomen killing her. I really really really don’t understand Funnyman’s powers. I just wish he had the power to stop this movie, like right now.
• So the last survivor is Johnny the truck driver. And now he’s having a fantasy sequence as a rock star.
• Play Free BIRRRRRRRRD!!!
• Are we really going to be subjected to this generic rock song? A whole complete song?
• Ah well, it’s still better than anything in Rockula. Speaking of Rockula, we failed to post about one commenter to the site a few months back who was a bona fide Rockula enthusiast and combs the whole world wide web searching for Rockula reviews. He was not too pleased with my review a few years back. 

• Johnny rocked so hard he flew out of the mansion and became and actual star. No I’m not joking. And neither is this movie despite it being named Funnyman.
• Oh Max survived after all. I did have my fears he was still alive.
• Funnyman confronts Max and just shows him “his card” which is just a Joker playing card. Then we cut to an insane asylum and we see a nurse telling Christopher Lee to take a break from playing cards. Oh so now she tells him. Where was she 85 minutes ago?!
• Cut again to a VO saying that today marks the anniversary of rock legend Johnny Taylor dying back in 1976 and they play his hit song. (But a different song from earlier)
• So someone was hired to write these new songs for this dreck. Crazy.
• Funnyman is just strolling around the mansion smoking a cigarette. The final shot is of a very bloody Max holding up a straight flush in his hand while saying, “it’s really funny” with nervous laughter.
• I’m gobsmacked! I don’t think I’ve ever seen a movie so pointless before. And I’ve lived through Things, Heavy Metal Massacre and Satan War!
• Jesus fucking Christ there’s a new song called “Funnyman” that has a British children choir repeating the word ‘Funnyman’ with talkover from the Funnyman and some singing from Christopher Lee. 

 

Was it Entertaining: I’d rather listen to Donald J. Trump talk about himself for 15 hours than watch this.

Any Good Gore: The brains flying out of Velma’s skull was the best example of gore.

Any Nudity: Just Funnyman’s ginormous unrealistic tits.

Best Quote: Both “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” and “Fuck my arse.” exemplify how I felt watching this.

Best Scene: There really is no good scene in this joyless, soulless piece of garbage. However, I did smirk at 2 scenes for trying to be clever or funny. One being the soccer goal shot and the crayon-written Mick Jagger letter.

Worst Scene: This is a Sophie’s Choice level question. If Sophie hated her children that is.

Final Thoughts: This movie turned me off British films. It turned me off British people. This film turned me off poker and solitaire and any other playing card game. I know I’ve watched utter trash in Schlocktoberfests in the past (I mentioned Things, Satan War, etc.) but most of those didn’t have the money, talent or equipment to even try to succeed. This movie had a budget of £50,000 and looks like a real movie with adequate lighting, sets and stars Sir Christopher Lee. In other words, I’ve seen way worse-looking pictures; especially on paper. This movie had a I just looked on IMDb trivia and I read this that all makes sense:

According to Simon Sprackling‘s production notes, he and other crew members were repeatedly under drug influence.

Was initially intended to be a serious horror film, and the project was partially treated as such. However, Tim James (Funny Man) evolved his character greatly during production, which caused director Simon Sprackling to gradually ignore the script. Because of this, several scenes were the result of improvisation.

Even if this movie was intended as a straight serious horror film that still wouldn’t help with the nonsensical plot and lack of exposition in the story. And no one had the talent to improvise to tell the truth. I get that this was a parable for Max being a “meanie” but we really never saw him doing anything terrible to anyone other than being a very cocky blowhard who is a rich music executive. He didn’t rip anyone off nor cheat on his wife. So it was really all wrong place and wrong time. So it was just chance that he and his family and those other random people get killed. If the kills and gore were better or the dialogue was actually well-written by actual people that had a modicum of comical talent, then maybe this would get a better score. But this was a real slog and chore to watch. I’ve never seen a movie so ironically titled. Absolute Rubbish!

Score: 1 Funny Gag in the Whole Movie (out of ten)