Return to Horror High (1987)
Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:
- There was a murder in Crippen High School and… shit, that opening crawl moved way too fast for these old eyes.
- Starring George… Clewknee? Never heard of him.
- Is this cop Marcia from the Brady Bunch? Eh who cares.
- So it seems like the basic premise is that they’re making a horror movie at this school and real bad real non-movie murders happen.
- I think this guy playing the movie cop was in Return of the Killer Tomatoes.
- Moe Greene!
- The makeup guy is the undertaker from Back to the Future Part III!
- Fake exploding tits! This movie has everything! Well, those two things. In the same scene.
- Only 10 minutes in and this is draggin’ more than Reign of Fire.
- I guess this is kind of supposed to be a dark comedy but nothing remotely in the ballpark of humorous has happened so far.
- Did Clooney just get killed? Great call, filmmakers. Even if he wasn’t a star yet he was still far and away the best and most charismatic actor in the movie.
- So here’s a flashback of a quarterback sexually assaulting to a 45-year-old senior girl with a redhead wig on. This is a goddamn grind.
- Oh it’s a scene from the movie. I hate this. Please something else happen.
- I’m sorry these notes stink. There’s really nothing going on. I don’t even know who the main character is supposed to be.
- An actor gets pulled down into a bottomless kitty litter pit in the shop room? This is all just the comforting way. [edit: I have no idea what I meant by that last sentence, I wasn’t drinking that much when I wrote it, but it’s staying in because it matches the coherence of this movie.]
- Here’s a hysterical scene of a dozen people coming out of one bathroom stall. This is one of the most boring and poorly paced movies I’ve seen in a while. I’m barely even writing about the plot because it’s just not engaging at all. AT ALL.
- I think George Clooney was smart to get out of this movie so early. It’s completely excruciating.
- There’s a pervy teacher who gets dissected by the killer. I just cannot believe how slow this damn movie is.
- The killer nails the teacher’s hands to a table and he barely lets out a scream. Then he just lays there. Then he gets cut open with a saw and makes no sound. I hate not knowing if it’s part of the movie within the movie and it’s dumb on purpose or if it’s a real kill and it’s just dumb. Either way, it’s about as fun as watching frogs fuck.
- So one of the actresses is trying to solve who the killer is among the cast and crew. Ok, the fact that she’s aware there’s a killer and she’s still there makes my taint vomit blood.
- I just fast-forwarded through a sex scene. That’s how shit this turd is.
- It seems a little too obvious that the douchey cop Blake is the killer,but that’s probably a red herring, or it would be, if this movie was clever.
- Oh he got his neck broken, I think. Red herring.
- Oh it was a dream. A red herring dream. Speaking of herring, I always liked Monty Python and the Holy Grail but I was never into their show. But now that I’m an alcoholic adult I should give them another try.
- I just got up to pee and that was more enthralling than this movie.
- If this is supposed to be a comedy it’s not funny whatsoever. If it’s supposed to be horror it’s not scary whatsoever. If it’s supposed to be a horror comedy it should go fuck itself.
- The screenwriter who is the sole survivor really reminds me of Mark Ruffalo.
- The director and Moe Greene are decapitated. They’re the lucky ones.
- Blake the cop and the actress go down into the kitty litter tunnel. I think I would rather eat week-old cat shit than watch the rest of this.
- Or I guess this janitor is the killer. I’ve never cared less.
- Sorry this review is such a downer but I’m hard pressed to recall a movie that was this much of a slog. Maybe Slog Monster in Bog Bottom, USA: Part 4.
- No, the janitor was a creepy teacher. A different creepy teacher. Now I care even less than I did before and that was zero.
- The cop, Steven, whose name was previously Blake, I thought, and don’t care, knocked up the crazy teacher’s daughter and she died giving herself an abortion or something I don’t care.
- I’m fast-forwarding through this part. I think I’ve done this maybe once or twice in 10 Schlocktoberfests, but for whatever reason I can’t take this fucking nonsense.
- I don’t understand how the screenwriter even knows about any of this to be the narrator, he wasn’t present for 90% of it.
- So all the bodies laying on the lawn were just acting. This makes zero sense and isn’t clever at all because it makes zero sense.
- The undertaker from Back to the Future Part III puts on the killer’s gloves and says, “Next time for real.” OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT. They’re just saying things to say them now.
- By the way the real killer teacher guy got harpooned in the sternum but he pulls it out and he’s ok. This is neither fun nor funny.
- How would the cops not know the actors weren’t actually dead.
- The killer was the screenwriter’s dad. I hate this more than Trump hates other people getting attention.
Was it Entertaining:
Any Good Gore: Some but mostly the exploding boobs.
Any Nudity: The exploding boobs, which were fake the whole time, I guess.
Best Quote: Director: “There will be no exploding tit shots!”
Best Scene: The one with the exploding boobs. I can’t even find a clip or gif of it, that’s how much rotten breast milk this movie sucks.
Worst Scene: Any other scene that wasn’t the exploding boobs.
Final Thoughts: I picked this because I read it was kind of a cult classic, but I basically hated every second of this exploding yak turd. While it seemingly had an ok budget, and most scenes were in focus, I’m really hard pressed to think of a movie where I’ve cared less about what was happening from scene to scene. Even the one scene that was halfway entertaining (the exploding boobs that I may have mentioned) didn’t even make any sense because why would the effects artist go through all the trouble to do that when the director didn’t even ask for it? I never should have returned to the horrors of this high for the first time.
Score: 1 Exploding Boob (out of 10)