Invasion Of The Bee Girls (1973)

Trailer:

*Spoilers Throughout*

What’s This About: The Bee Girls come to a town full of horny, swinging scientists and physicists, and help them party down dontchyaknow.

Here are some of my observations as I watched the film:

• Yeah, I’m only doing three reviews this year because I made a week long video archive extravaganza. Wanted to do something different. Tough titty.
• In a motel that has giant truck tires out front as decor, is a dead guest inside really that much of a surprise?
• Apparently not.
• For a split second I thought the title card said Invasion of the Bee Gees. Would have been a whole different movie.
  
  
  
  
  
• Ah, Anitra Ford! We meet again my darling, it has been far too long.
• Whenever you see a coroner and a cop together during an autopsy/inquest, you always expect the scene to be as good as the one from Jaws and it never is.
• How many times do they have to break up these opening credits?
• Written by Nicholas Meyer! Custom always dictates that you watch only the even numbers of Start Trek films and he’s responsible for 2, 4, and 6. A good omen I trust.
• The chemistry between Neil Agar and Julie Zorn is undeniable. What it’s not denying remains to be seen.
  
• I forgot in the 70’s that fucking was often referred to as “balling.” A truly terrible euphemism. One that I plan on running into the ground as much as I can.
• Two naked people get off a motorcycle, literally roll down a hill of grass, and the guy dies. Is that balling?
• Even behind those Bono Lounge Fly sunglasses, I can spot Anitra Ford anywhere.
• These dead bodies are beginning to show up in the oddest places.
• A cumming and going joke. Boo.
• No head of the Dept. of Diagnostics and Clinical Biometrics is named Aldo Ferrara unless it’s in a Dario Argento movie.
• The buzzing of bees during the discovery of the bodies should be clue number one for the sheriff here.
  

• So, all these dead guys were swingers and they all died from sexual exhaustion. What exactly is the problem here?
  
  
  

  Say what you want about their villainy, but the Bee Girls sure do spice up a fucking funeral.

• A sundown curfew and total abstinence ordinances? Are these the town elders from fucking Footloose?
• These townsfolk sure do love to say “ballin’.”
• Stan shouldn’t have a problem with the town’s newly instated no-nooky policy, his wife has the sex appeal of the woman getting out of the bathtub in room 237.
• Zorn the librarian has an awfully nice pair of getaway sticks.
• She’s also rockin’ the Princess Leia hair buns four years before Carrie did.
• Agar sure took his sweet time to rescue Zorn from her gang rape.
• The military is ordering an immediate quarantine of the entire town. Look at that, a movie about bee women fucking men to death fits right into the current climate.
  
  
  

  Is this considered hazing or glazing the new recruits? Ha ha. Get it? Is Schlock X over yet?

• This is one helluva 70’s funk/wah-wah pedal score from ‘ole Elmer Bernstein.
• Anitra puts about seven packets of sugar in her coffee. You know to show that she needs sugar like a bee. Who cares anything she does is sexy as hell.
• So everyone in town is casting caution aside by ignoring the curfew (sounds familiar) and balling their brains out, yet Agar and Zorn are in front of the fire watching elementary school movies about insects.
• Anitra finally gets naked to show us her b’s. Get it?
• But she also has completely black eyes, and is obviously the Queen Bee so the guys he’s ballin’ is now quite dead.
  
  
  

  The old important piece of equipment goes here, but we really can’t have full frontal routine.

• To review. In order to become a Bee Girl: you are stripped naked, bombarded with radiation, covered in vanilla frosting, thrown into a giant EZ Bake oven, get a ton of bees to completely cover you, the other Bee Girls play with their tits, Anitra kisses you and tada! You get the black eyeballs and the process is complete. Gooble gobble one of us.
• Being a Bee Girl obviously elevates your horniness, so maybe they came to this town to save it from its restrictions. Just like Kevin Bacon did.
• Stan and his wife are gonna give it another try in the bedroom, but she’s a Bee Girl now and he strangles her with her panty hose. I think he died as he did it too. Oh well.
• Now that Zorn is naked and being converted to a Bee Girl, now is the time for Agar to take his time rescuing her.
  
• Granted this rescue scene was choreographed so we wouldn’t see Zorn’s how-do-ya-do, but it’s still very 70’s B (Ha! Pun!) movie lame.
• Anitra scratches her face off for absolutely no fucking reason.
  
  
  

  “Don’t pry your face off out loud. Just keep it inside.”

  
  
• Agar and Zorn consummate their victory in bed as Also Sprach Zarathustra plays and a honeybee watches them from a nearby flower. Duh-duh-duuuun!

Was it Entertaining: 

Any Good Gore: Some moderate blood, and a decent car rundown death.

Any Nudity: A very good amount thanks to the Bee Girls and their converts.

Best Quote: “We balled and we balled and we balled, until he dropped dead.” or “The rate of venereal disease in this town might have swelled.”

Best Scene: Anitra Ford’s naked seduction of a cheating doctor and his subsequent murder by her Queen-Beeness.

Worst Scene:

Oh, you mean from this movie? That would have to go to the ridiculously bad macho horseshit speech from the town’s union leader. A fat beer-swilling, trucker-hat wearing stereotype who says that no one is gonna quarantine him and tell him to not ball his wife. That’s right, Make America Ball Again you redneck lemming. Oh, and Zorn’s attempted gang rape was not very pleasant either.

Final Thoughts: Aside from the tragic misuse of porn star Colleen Brennan, this is actually enjoyable old 70’s B-grade schlock. I guess anything coming from the guy who wrote The Wrath of Khan can always have some redeeming qualities.

Score: 7 Vanilla Frosted Bee Girl Recruits (out of ten)